\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ccsi
Review Requests: OFF
31 Public Reviews Given
38 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The overal tone and language are beatiful and very Shakesphearean. However, that is also a road block for many people to get over.

The specific problem with this (beyond the vocabulary needed to understand it) is that it is unclear that the character is wooing the woman. Not until the end does the "plot" become clear. Yet, even after several reads I cannot follow the stoy/moral as it develops. Shakeshpears' sonnets are often stories. This one is too, but the story is unclear.

I took some liberties in the following, line by line editing. I did so because I thought you might like to "hear with a different voice." You might note that the changes are really minor but, I think, improve the overall structure and flow. You may use/keep them withOUT attribution if you think they are an improvement, or discard them if you think not.

Your lines, in every case, are the first. My "corrections" follow, with an explanation/discussion.

Thou tainted wench, taxation is thy pride,
Thou tainted wench, taxation is thy pride,

I changed nothing but question "taxation." I know the word is right in meaning -- taxing is to vex or hold back somebody or something, but the word, to most people, now means "taxes." Coming in the first line of the poem the immediate response to to think "taxes" After reading serveral lines the word might work better because the reader will have come to terms with the archaic language and be more flexible in his/her understanding. How to change it I do not know. Perhaps "vexation?"


Which lingers long after thy love departs.
Which lingers long after love depart.

This is a rhythm thing. I think the absense of "thy" and the "s" at the end do two things. Improve the rhythm and make the line better rhyme with "For fear some devil man shall stead thy heart." Of the two changes I think the "thy" to be the stonger one. "S" at the end is probably a minor quibble.


Of beauty, thou hst much thou needst to hide,
Of beauty, thou hast much thou needst hide,

"Hast" changed to corrrect the typo(?) Dropping "to" again in my opinion improves the scan.

For fear some devil man shall stead thy heart.
For fear some devil man shall steal thy heart.

I assume "stead" should have been "steal." If not the meaning is unclear.

Afraid to show a smile lest thou find
Afraid to show a smile lest thou should find

Again, simpler scan. Most of my "corrections" are what I hear in reading it outloud.



Thou hath no fury for thy heart revealed.
Thou hath no fury for thy heart revealed.

No changes

Thine words may veil the agony of thine
Thine words may veil the agony of thine

I thought "an" rather than "the" because "an" is an alliteration with "agony," but then looked carefully at the sense of the thing. The agony I think is a general agony rather than a specific one. Her heart is in agony rather than something is causing her heart to hurt. In the end I left it alone.


Heart, though against my love, thou cannot shield.
Heart, though against my love, thou hast no shield.

I think "has no" is more emphatic just as having no weapons is worse than having them but being unable to use them. So "hast no" I think, improves the force of the line without changing its meaning greatly.

Thus doth conscience make cowards of us all,
Thus doth conscience make cowards of us all,

Hmmmm, I guess this shouldn't be changed since I think it's a quote?

Wherefore we speak not what our minds may preach,
Wherefore we speak not what our minds may preach,

No change here because it's a great line by itself and completes the previous line well.

But tarry 'til our words be fain to fall
But tarry 'til our words agree to fall

"Fain" is really a very old word. It, of course, means "to agree" but if so why not make it easier on the reader and use "agree?" Of course, you are going for the Elizabethean English, but this word is particularly difficult for most people, even literate people, to remember what it means.

On ears that simper with mere waspish speech.
On ears that simper at mere waspish speech.

"At" rather than "with" because ears don't speak, they listen. Of course they don't "simper" either, but I think you mean to describe the response of the ears to "waspish speech" rather than the kind of "simper[ing]" they do.


These the pleasures and the perils to woo
A lush yet rakish woman, called a shrew.

These last two lines are the summation of it all. But "shrew" was probably difficult to get into the line. "Woo" doesn't work because it adds one to many syllables to the line. Changing the two lines to:

These the pleasures and the perils too
When a lush yet rakish woman you woo.

give you the sense without the difficulties of ending on "shrew"


So that's it. My analysis and editing aside you have written a very nice piece and I hope you continue to work on it.

ccsi


2
2
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem tells a story very well. It is consistent in rhyme and rhythm, images are good, and, if not striking, at least adequate.

And while it is a good poem, and it's sentiments well developed, it lacks, I believe, two things.

First of all it spends too much time telling us what we should think. The ending is not needed since if you experienced the thing you should be able to draw your own conclusions. The poem goes very far toward having the reader "be there" and thus, the power of the poem is in that section. The addition of what the character will do when he returns is ineffective because it is not needed. I would therefore suggest you shorten the poem by about 3 verses.

Second, if you have ever been in combat you know that you are not an individual. In the USA and other countries you are a team. You fight not because you have grandiose visions of which you are convinced (usually poor soldiers and cowards mask their inadequacies by touting the political lines) but because your buddies are counting on you to do you part. You fight to not let them down. Ask any soldier who has been in combat and if he'll even talk about it he'll say he was terrified but knew his friends counted on him so he did his job.

Thus, while I may agree with the sentiment and find the story somewhat compelling, I think it generally shows a lack of experience with combat. Read "The Red Badge of Courage," "All Quiet on the Western Front," "Catch-22" or "A Soldier's Story" if you want to get some idea of what combat and war is like. You could also see "Private Ryan," "Apocolypse Now" or "Bridge Over the River Qui" (Qua?). All these sources are good for getting a handle on something you may not have experienced before.

ccsi
3
3
Review of Invention Of Man  Open in new Window.
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Well, if the invention is religion then this works okay, but some of the rhythms and rhymes are off, it is way, way too long for the sentiment expressed (as I understand it) and it appears to be nothing more than a rant about something you don't like.

Whenever you write something for public consumption you must begin with something -- a starting point, if you will -- upon which you and your audience agree. The general public does not see religion, God, or whatever, in such a negative light. Therefore to some degree, if you really want to communicate, you need to give them images which show them whatever it is you wish to convey. In this case it appears you wish them to agree to throw off religion. If so then you must persuad them that religion is a bad thing. Your poem is full of claims about such things but that is not enought. Without evidence (i.e. striking and realistic images which do not tell, but show) you persuad your reader that you are just ranting. Which is not too poetic.

Specifically try showing, not telling, and try sharing rather than ranting.



In short, it needs editing. A lot of editing.

4
4
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You obviously have a great talent for using language. The words in this are varied and rhythms and rhymes farely well done. However, the problem wth writing about a horrendous event is that you probably haven't experienced anything like it. Thus, the images are stale. Yes, they reflect a thought about what it would be like, but they also reflect about the same level of thoughts as anybody trying to imagine this type of even would imagine. Read Ray Bradbury's "There Will Come Soft Rains." Without a single character he paints a picture and tells a story of the tragedy that has stuck in my head since I left school many years ago. For you to give us a fresh look at something like this you must focus the imagery on specific things rather than generalities. Try changing generalizations to specific images. For instance: instead of "Wires draped from pole to pole..." tell us about one "wire dangling, whipping, waving in the wind, dead and draped like silver bunting, breaking, snaking over covered cars writing sensless symbols in the ash" or something like that.

In addition, what's the story here? Again, the story can't be the "big picture," it needs to be about one city block, one car, one person, one dog in the street. Don't worry that people won't get the theme or the message. The messge is in the details. So what's the story?

Here's what I suggest. Take this poem and keep going. Keep writing about the theme, trying to get specific images out of generalizations. A dog leaving a trail of blood is better than bleeding dogs were rambling around. So rework the imagery so that I "see" the singular events before me in such a way that the entire picture becomes plain. Keep writing until you either get so sick of the work that you quit, or it begins to walk on its own, telling you what it wants to say. It will not ramble and it will not be vague. It will speak, when it finally does, in language clear, concise, and powerful. Right to the poets heart.

Finally, when when it gets its own voice be prepared to cut away all the useless verbaige that interfers with it. Be brutal. Writing can be a bloody discipline in which not every child deserves to live. Cut out the waste and save the child within the poem.

ccsi

The human responds the images not catelogs. Write with a singleness of imagery and this will improve. You
5
5
Review of Rapture  Open in new Window.
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
What is this about?

I'm going to make a suggestion which you may not like. I suspect that you fell in love with the imagery and the structure of the poem and forgot what exactly it is about. Yes, there is someone speaking, pleading, asking, intoning things he/she wants done. But why? And who is being asked? To whom is the pleading being addressed?

I was speaking about poetry the other day and told my students that when I write I start with some structure or ideas and write, write, write until something comes ot of the mess that is the pile of wonderful (to me anyway) images, rhythms, rhymes and all that. When that happens. When I find the skeleton in the pile of flesh I have before me, I skin the thing throwing out whatever can't be fit on that skeleton and changing what can. Eventually, after a lot of brutal editing I find the story, the central motif, the stuff that makes the poem work. I then carve away, fitting and refitting the thing until it hangs on the bones just so.

You need to keep going with this until you either give up trying to find out what it's about (finding its skeleton) or it stands up and speaks to you in the midst of the dead flesh. Then cut, cut,cut. It will be bloody work -- that wonderful image as to go! -- but in the end the thing will stand on it's own, "flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone".

ccsi
6
6
Review of The Curse  Open in new Window.
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well done. I thought you hid the 'twist' very well, but I also thought it was too buried at the point where you wanted it to be revealled. The 'final day' paragraph doesn't quite make it plain and I think it would be the right place to make it so.

You might like to speak of the locket much earlier so that you don't have to tell us that she never went anywhere without it. It could be a reoccuring motif or symbol.

You could also draw out the exchange where he discovers the 'problem' It is a good paragraph but I wanted to know how he felt, what she felt, and how they interacted.

As for the writing, I think you tell us too much and show us not enough. When he panics what actions does he tak? What does he say? The ancient rule of good writing is to show not tell. You need more showing in this piece.

Finally, the word variations are weak. Your vocabulary is not robust and because of it the piece lacks color. Which leaves the character and plot without tone.

As I tell my students, the three stages of a good writer are: mechanics, characters, plot. Good mechanics helps you develop good characters which, in turn, makes your plots stronger. You have demonstrated reasonably good writing mechanics. You need to improve the tonal aspects so that the words you choose support the emotional content you are trying to envoke in the reader. That will lead to stronger empathy for the characters and since a good story is about a realistic character working through a realistic problem you will be on the way to a good story.

7
7
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
What I love about people learning to write good stories is how they begin with the mechanics and eventually work their way up to believable characters and engaging plots. The mechanics of this piece are solid and well executed. The only flaws I saw was a tendency to repeat words. For instance, the second paragraph runs:

“The eyes of Mother Nature were definitely closed to the plight of her unfortunate daughters. And Amrita often felt as if She was also turning a blind eye to the injustices of others too. Perhaps, like other women, Mother Nature too was helpless“

The repeated words, “eyes and eye, too, Mother Nature, and “to the” fit the story line but make the paragraph flat. Notice the differences in the following.

Mother Natures eyes were closed. Blind to the plight of her unfortunate daughters and possibly to the injustices of others as well. Would She would remain sightless? Was She just as helpless as all women? Amrita could only hope such was not the case.

Now remember, the second paragraph is how I would have written it. It’s my voice speaking your story. Therefore it will naturally strike you as, well, different, and even, perhaps, as not as good. Which is okay. I’m not trying to write a better paragraph but instead to illustrate how I believe your writing can be improved. Notice ther are about the same number of words but that the sentence types and structures are used to avoid repetition. I used simple statements, complex declarative sentences and even questions to give a more rounded feel to the interior monologue of your character. Hopefully you can see what I’m driving at and rewrite your story in your voice.

That is the mechanics. But as I stated at the beginning most writers, I think, begin with the mechanics and eventually learn to develop characters. And as somebody once said, good characters bring out good plots. So to your characters we turn.

The main characters in this story are Amrita and Deepika, with Amrita being the focus of the story. The plot turns around the injustices foisted upon these two women by the cultural system under which they live. The inner turmoil of Amrita is apparent as we get to experience her inner thoughts and observe her actions. The opening, while nicely drawn, gives us a sense that Amrita is a peaceful woman. You end the first paragraph with:

“The rising sun- round, small, bright- looked just like the bindi on the forehead of a woman. The huge mountains on either side could, as well, be two closed eyes. Everyone heard of Mother Nature but here, Amrita saw her: silent, still and draped in the dark veil of the night.”

and in doing so bring a calm, peaceful, tone to the piece. Unfortunately calm and peaceful is not what is occurring in the main characters inner soul. The second paragraph almost paints a picture of Mother Nature’s impotence and betrayal, an impotence and betrayal to which one would think Amrita would respond with at least a little anger. But if she does it doesn’t show it. Which is, I believe, the first major fault of the story.

You see, while you consistently tell me of Amirita’s inner struggle what does she do when she is angry, upset, or otherwise disturbed. You consistently tell us that she is calm, but being in control is not the same as being calm. A more believable Amirita may have done the same things but she wouldn’t have looked the same. Suppose she was cooking when Harish comes home and is demanding. It doesn’t matter what he is demanding, it just has to be another example of the man demanding from the woman without regard to the woman’s feelings. Would Amirita place the pot on the stove gently? Would she open the cupboards slowly? Would she even walk softly? When you want Amirita to be angry, upset or discouraged, give us a picture of her body language and how it reflects her inner turmoil. In the first paragraph you say she “lowered the bundle of grass from her head to the ground and sat down.” Did she lower the bundle forcefully – throwing it in frustration? How about gently as if she was worshipping? “Lowered” does not give us a clue to her disposition. Then followed by “sat” it makes me wonder about what she is feeling about being there. Did she slide to the ground? Throw herself down? Arrange herself formally? You tell me what she felt but you miss the opportunity to show me. That is the true art of characterization. Show, don’t tell whenever possible.

Finally, because you are probably wondering about my sanity, I must address the other great need of every story – the plot. Aristotle once said that the poorest type of story has a god unrepentantly coming to the rescue of the hero. Yes, a god can do that, but the only time it is artistic is if the god has been a part of the story from the beginning. In your story the rescue is plausible but also pretty much comes out of the blue in response to only the smallest of actions by the heroine. Like some god from on high swooping down to pull the hero out of certain death Amirita and her daughters are swooped up from their unjust existence without the reader being at all familiar (except as described) with the character of that “god.” I believe this to be the major flaw of this story. Partly it stems, I think, from the lack of development in the main character, and partly because the story may be too short to really do it justice. We live our lives episodically and it may be that this story is about six thousand words too short to develop the main character and a solid plot line. I could see Amirita or her daughter engaging in a series of small ‘rebellions’ growing in size until they arrange – via perhaps writing the letter, making the arrangements, securing travel expenses, finding the money for the train, and all that would be needed socially and culturally to make the break. Each episode is a struggle to rise and conquer the injustices of their culture. In providing this type a framework you would be able to show the reader the development of the character as they grew into their freedom.

To summarize my thoughts I must say that you have selected a great theme, set it in a believable setting, written if not well then at least with real promise, and given a glimpse to your readers of the writer you can become. I only suggest you think about expanding this story to show us the development of the two main characters as human beings and as women.
8
8
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
The plot was, of course, a bit of a cliché. But that is expected. The characters didn't really grab me, especially the main one. She appears to be more stock than anything. I suspect that the real interesting character of the story would be Michelle. If you were to re-write this with Michelle as the focus you could explore her emotional state -- her arrogance in believing she alone had discovered the “Miracle Treatment.”' her excitement at being the one to deliver the ‘cure’ to her friends and family, her confusion when they continued to report that they weren’t losing weight, her frustration and false bravado as she worked to convince them to continue taking the treatment, the horror she feels as she discovers her illness and fear that the treatment caused her illness (and therefore that she may have endangered her friends and family), the questioning of her confidence I her own judgment as she faces her own foolishness, her anger at being duped by the Chinese, and finally, her realization that she needs face her own failures. In other words, the journey of the story is not in Joan’s travails, but in Michelle’s. At least that is what appeals to me.

As for the writing itself, I found it a bit flat. Not that it had grammatical errors so much as it didn’t paint a picture for me. Descriptive words – adjectives and adverbs – were not employed with liberality and so you missed an opportunity to paint with colorful language the tone and tenor of the story. The use of adjectives and adverbs gives the reader clues as to how they should feel about the events and words unfolding before them. This is called the mood of the piece, but probably already knew that.

Finally, what I found very well done was the dialogue. It flowed well and seemed quite natural. You might want to assign various forms or rhythms of expression exclusively to some characters so that they become associated with a particular way of talking. It helps the reader ‘hear’ the voice of the character – and thus lessens the need to explicitly state who is speaking.

Well, that about does it for my critique. Hopefully you have found this helpful. Just remember it’s only one person’s opinion. A writer doesn’t really know his or her weaknesses or strengths until he or she has be critiqued a lot. Then they look for patterns rather than specific comments.
9
9
Review of Poor Ice Cream  Open in new Window.
Review by ccsi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
A great start. I liked the basic story line and thought what was going on was clear. My suggestions are merely my reflections and not meant to tell you how to write/rewrite this item.

1) You tell us what is happening -- try showing us. When you are called the living room you could use dialog to reveal that your mom wanted your help. This would help develop character and bring us into the auditory and visual experience more. And it would allow you to give the main character a name -- personalization.

2) I love the "peanut" expression. The name makes the person somebody besides "my little sister." More details worked into the text would make her "appear" out of the haze of the background as a more "real" person.

3) "Then" is nice, but "then," "then," "then".... is not necessary. As one writing instructor told me ... "the action of the second sentence is assumed to have taken place after the action of the first" -- or something like that. "Dick ran to the store then back home then to his room" versus Dick ran to the store. He ran home. And finally, to his room... is assumed to be in the order of the events.

4) Finally, vary the sentence structure. Long, short, complex and simple sentences can add interest, create rhythms and add to the tone of the story.

My recommendation: Take a good story and make it more real by replacing simple explanation with well described experiences.
9 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ccsi