I will definitely give a look at your piece. I'm not familiar with reviewing so I will try to review the story pointing out things individually as I spot them and will try to include a overall criticism at the end.
With this first part, I recommend you "ctrl+f" to find the specific quotes to quickly locate them.
"in case something unpleasant and permeate happened" -- ? Diction is odd here.
"she said as dropped the Tamashii inside her blue" -- forgot a word i believe
"scrolling data on the transparent tablet in his hand" -- maybe put 'transparent Miru tablet in his hand' to further clarify what a Miru is?
"the lightning on demeter was colored by" -- were they on demeter? if so maybe introduce demeter earlier on?
A small thing. as i believe, adding tags (she said, she asked etc) are necessary and are def good but sometimes when you can get the tone across without adding the tag, it is also good. ex: "Who is Alexandria?" could suffice for "'Who is Alexandria,' she asked."
"ran her fingers through her windblown curls as if she was going to fix it into a ponytail like Chardea's" -- I'm sorry if Im missing something but is Chardea a character? If so this introduction of the character is incredibly confusing and vague.
"she searched for the door latch. she found it. the door opened." -- sounds a bit too much. maybe cut out one of the two latter actions?
OK! Overall thoughts: The first couple of parts were not too confusing given the amount of new things you had to introduce to the reader(bravo), although I think maybe as you stagger-introduce new concepts to the reader, find someway to describe it asap. I think you did do that with most of the concepts but I think some concepts need a bit more intro than others. I think the fights with the strange creatures happened too fast, the reader really couldn't grasp what they were.
After the first scene or two I began grasping the world much better, so I think your middle to end was very good as i found myself more immersed but I feel your intro may need a bit more immersion to it. As a sci-fi I can see how without any prologue or anything the world can be confusing at first. I definitely liked the pace and as I progressed more, I got to hear more from Mandy's thoughts--which I definitely liked. you have a firm grasp of what you are doing.
A thing I really enjoyed and admired was your descriptions. You always described the setting really well and I always had a image painted in my head. I congratulate you and implore you to continue with that.
One thing that threw me off was the dialogue. I don't think your actual dialogue script was the problem, I thought the dialogue tags were a bit excessive. I think if you cut back on some, it would make the dialogue much smoother.
With that said, I did however pick up on (hopefully) most of the subtle things you added to share about the chars, which I also enjoyed.
I hope I have given you something constructive and I thank you very much for sharing your story with me. I wish us both nothing but more writing and more stories. If you please, I would like to read on about the world you have created.
This is very beautiful, I would like to review it but I thought this would be more fun:
I look into the mirror
And I see someone staring right back at me
A lost little girl
With cold hard eyes
And no expression on her face
I see the pain she carries underneath.
A lost little girl
I see the anger in her eyes
I see the pain she inflicts
Because it's so easy to fall prey
A tear falls from her eye
I reach forth to touch the glass
Trying to wipe away her tears
I tell her she's beautiful
Because you see your flaws
So she wipes away her tears
She steps closer to the mirror
And I whisper to her
"What do you want to become?"
I hoped you liked it and don't find it offensive that I used your writing to form my own.
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