Hey, hey! A new chapter -- woo!
Specifics:
*There's the usual extraneous/distant wordage that I keep whining about, of course. Some examples in this bit:
-"I found a large rock that was in the shade of a tall pine..." (Could easily become, "I found a large rock in the shade of a tall pine." Yeah ... I admit it. This is a nitpick. But as I always tell people, nitpicks are a good sign -- if I don't feel I have to restrict myself to just the really big issues, I must think you're an above-average writer.)
-"From where I sat, I picked up a sharp rock and tried to cut the bottom of my pant leg." (Doesn't need "From where I sat." Really only needs a clarification of position if he changes positions.)
-"This sword was truly the most amazing thing I had ever seen." ("Truly" doesn't add credibility, but it does weigh down the prose a little. In fact, because the sword has done something amazing at that point, you don't really need to emphasize the amazingness at all. You've already done it with actions, is the thing -- we already know instinctively that this sword is the most amazing thing Ki has ever seen. A small "Whoa" moment is all you really need there, if you even need that; and it would really be there mostly so the reader knows that Ki is amazed in proportion to the obvious amazingness of the sword.)
-"I focused my mind on ice, on its cold and smooth feel." ("On its cold and smooth feel" is redundant; we know that ice is cold and smooth. If you really want to restate it, maybe do it poetically, or something? ;))
*"The huge tree began to slide slowly down at a diagonal."
This sounds rather like the tree is sliding into the ground at a diagonal. If you mean the tree is slowly toppling over and taking on a diagonal, well, that's different. ;) Maybe "The huge tree began to tip slowly toward the diagonal" is more like what you meant?
*"It fell to the ground with a thunderous crash; the noise startled the birds in the trees, and they flew off in panic."
The other trees, I hope. ;) This also contains another example of extraneous phrasing -- it'd be pretty much the same if you made it, "...the noise startled birds into flight from the surrounding trees," or something even better phrased than I'm coming up with on the spur of the moment. ("It fell to the ground with a thunderous crash, startling birds from the surrounding trees"? "It fell ... and startled birds flew from the surrounding trees"?)
*Kind of random, and not really a useful comment, but just something I'm thinking as a reader: If Ki is affiliated with ice, does that mean he can't take heat (or temper? or a lot of personality?) and that he might be prone to shattering under great force?
*"I wrapped the rabbit in some large leaves and tied it to the top of my rucksack, right beside my pallet." Okay, so there's a big fat pallet in there (I hope he doesn't have too far to go; oh, right, he's probably not human-strength ;)) that he didn't bother noting for readers during his earlier inventory, and additionally there was some string that didn't get mentioned, for him to tie the leaves with (or maybe they're tin-foil leaves that don't need tying); and Ki just pulls the knowledge of how to tie leaves securely around a rabbit out of the air, eh (or are they excessively big leaves that are easy to tie in place? ;))? Not that he can't do that, if you tell us he can -- but do tell us if he can.
*Oh, and there's also a flint, or some other thing to start a fire with, there in the pack. (I guess my point is just that if there was stuff in there that he didn't mention or didn't look at, the narrative should probably mention that he didn't give a full inventory when he was going through his pack "on-screen.") Was he in Boy Scouts so that he knows how to start a fire? No, wait. He was antisocial. Okay, no Boy Scouts. Is starting a fire something that he was Gifted to know by his mysterious power? I'd think fire would be kind of against the Ice elemental, wouldn't it? ;)
*Whoa, he's a leftie. Probably ought to mention that before he "draws his sword with his left hand" to defeat the shadow-stalker under the tree he's been sleeping in -- so that we know he's not pulling a miraculous stunt by drawing his sword with his left hand from a right-hand-oriented sheath. A good place to sneak it in would be above, when he's "training" with the sword. You could casually mention that he wears the sword on his right side instead of on his left, because after all he's a leftie, and just by the way, the sage seemed to find that strange. (That is, you could also throw that in earlier, if you like, to get it out of the way of the fight narrative; but either way is really fine, since you don't dwell on it enough to really slow things down.)
*Okay, the bit about running with his hand on his sword is ... just silly. ;) If the stalkers catch up, he'll have to turn around to face them, anyway; he can put his hand on his sword in the same movement. It's definitely not convenient to run with one's hand on one's sword, Chosen or no, and it would probably even slow him down unless the Chosen have a nonhuman physiology. (Try sticking your left hand on your right pocket and running for a while -- or even better, stick a hammer in your right pocket and try holding the handle while you run. Really great fun, hmm? ;) Even if you're superhuman, it's probably not going to be more help than hindrance.)
*The phrase "one of them flanked behind me..." doesn't use "flanked" quite properly. A flank is generally a side -- left or right, east or west, but usually not front or back (though it could be used for front/back if handled right). Regardless, the stalker can't flank behind anyone, anyway, because that's not how the verb "flank" works. ;) (You wouldn't say "He flanked right of me" would you?)
End Fight Sequence:
(Yes, there are so many comments on this that I gave them their very own section. How special. ;))
*The entire fight scene between Ki and the multiple stalkers is a little implausible -- not because we don't believe he can take them all, necessarily, but because everyone's movements seem not to flow together, or to be physically likely. "One spiked claw flew only a few inches over my head," for example, needs a little more set-up if you don't want a reader to imagine an excessively tall stalker swinging and missing over 6'3" Ki's head. If Ki ducked to avoid a blow, well, he's 6'3" and there'd better be a reason he's ducking his head that far down rather than just jumping back. (Compare this to later against the drake, when, yes, he probably ought to duck the stream of fire since he can't easily jump out of range.) And you did just say that he "dodged," not that he ducked -- so why did the claw go over his head, then? Was the stalker just swinging for fun?
*"The slash of my sword tore off one of the stalkers arms, and a second took off its head" seems unlikely because a sword that can slice through a tree cleanly shouldn't be "tearing" anything; and additionally, this combines a vertical (or maybe diagonal) slash with a horizontal (or again, maybe diagonal) slash, which, unless you specifically create flow between the two motions, doesn't flow logically.
BTW, how are these things so fast if they're basically running on two legs and two arms? Okay, I admit it -- I don't really know how fast gorillas can move when on all fours, but I'm really not sure about the last chapter's claim that these things are built to run. If they were built to run, they wouldn't run on their arms; arms aren't built to run on, and if they are, they're not arms, but forelegs. And hands with claws definitely aren't made to run on, either; or they would be clawed feet, not hands.
I would totally accept it if they were magically fast, of course; but the last chapter says "built to run." Yeah, I admit I didn't catch on to that till now. Oopsie. ;) I also just noticed the really strange leg articulation -- is this supposed to be at all similar to something on our planet, or are you just making something up and handwaving that the balance and such are all conveniently what you want them to be? ;)
And I admit I usually have no idea from the narrative whether these things are primarily on four legs or on two, running, fighting, or standing. How do they move? Do they lumber or stalk or spring or bob? It would be nice to know that for sure, so that I imagine them properly.
*"The second came at me again, nearly gouging me with one of its vengeful claws. It surprised me with a knock in the stomach by its fist." "Vengeful" mostly just slows down the narrative and looks melodramatic. And why did it "nearly" gouge him? Did he dodge, or does it just have abominable aim? This pair of movements is also another strange, unflowing combination -- the stalker jumps forward and swings a claw, and then pulls back again and punches him in the gut, so lightning-fast that he doesn't even see it coming? Additionally, it does this around the sword? Kind of strange. If they're that fast, why does he see anything coming?
Incidentally, do stalkers have retractable claws? If they don't, they'd better have armored hands, or else they're going to have big gashes in their own hands from punching people with claws on the inside of their fists. And anyway, why would it merely "knock" him in the stomach rather than tearing into him? Even if it does have retractable claws, why is it retracting them in battle?
*"I landed from the blow and forced my eyes to focus. When it charged me again, I was ready; I sidestepped and drove my sword though its spine." I'm not really sure what "I landed from the blow" is meant to convey; it gives me an image of him getting knocked onto his back, but that would distinctly disable him for performing the next move -- sidestepping. Also, if it just knocked him in the stomach, it's probably at least relatively close to him -- why doesn't it just bite him or slash him while he's wide open and stunned? When did it get far enough away to give him time to recover and to give it room to "wind up" for charging at him? I feel as if I'm missing a lot of the action, here.
Also, do you mean he drove his sword through its spine from the back (or possibly from above?), when it passed him, in which case he has to turn to reach the creature? A mention of that would be nice. Or do you mean he drove the sword, say, through the creature's stomach, thus severing its spine?
*"It opened its mouth again, but this time fire rolled from it. Flames licked the ground on which I had stood only moments before" fails to mention that Ki moved, until it's already happened, which might make the reader "double-take."
*"I ducked beneath the arc of flame and delivered the stalker a slash across the stomach. The stalker howled in pain, and once again breathed its fire." Okay, it's definitely standing on two legs, then. ;) These actions seem to occur in such close succession, by the way, that you probably ought to specifically note that the fire cuts off when the creature howls, so that we won't "double-take" again when the fire appears to restart without having stopped.
*"Suddenly, something clicked within my mind. I raised my sword and yelled out, <Avenscar> (Scar of Ice) as I swung. A band of ice shot from my blade hitting the huge beast square in the chest." All right, I'm sorry, but I can't help it -- this suddenly looks like a scene from a manga. ;)
*"The beast?s head burst apart, littering the ground with the remnants of its skull." Yeah, and probably littering Ki, too ... and with more than just remnants of skull. ;) Even if it were just skull ... Shrapnel, anyone?
*"However something lay behind as the rest faded. I had no idea what it was supposed to be." It's the next form, of course! Doesn't this kid play Final Fantasy? ;)
"Its eyes locked on to mine, and it let out an evil hiss. It spewed forth a river of searing flame, singeing the top of my head slightly in the process." Do these things just have really, really bad aim? (Are they maybe related to Stormtroopers?) Why does everything go over this 6'3" guy's head? Maybe that's another unmentioned property of Ice, or another advantage of being Chosen ... everybody around you has really bad aim?
*"Whenever I tried to get in close, it would swipe with its claws, or breath its fire, and at longer range it could shoot the fireballs." What, so it's like a video game, and it's incapable of shooting fireballs unless you're far away?
*"I ran towards it and pierced my blade though its heart. It let out a final cry before it fell to the ground dead." Guess it fell off the sword to get to the ground, then, huh, since he pierced it through the heart, which should have it skewered pretty well? ;)
*"It was over; I stood there and watched it slowly evaporate into nothingness. The first rays of the sun were beginning to show from beyond the crests of the mountains. Left with no other choice but to move forward, I sheathed my sword and set out again."
This bit should probably be a new paragraph, since it's a new series of thoughts. Also, why does he have no other choice? Like, for instance, why doesn't he have the choice to rest, or to clean up, or to make camp somewhere nearby and assess and treat his wounds (if any) and to think for a little while? You mentioned that he was running out of energy -- why can't he sit and regain strength for a bit? It's okay if he specifically chooses not to do those things, of course; but the narrative says that he can't choose those things, and it doesn't tell us why.
Positives:
*"The embroidery on the shirt was exquisite, long navy strands looped across the shoulders and down the chest and back, and was more comfortable than anything I was used to."
Whoa! Cool! You, like, actually described the embroidery! Nobody does that ... and I appreciate it greatly that you took the time and imagination. Points!
If you're going to describe the embroidery right away, though, you don't need to say the shirt is "navy and tan," unless you mean the fabric is both navy and tan and then there's also navy embroidery on top of that. (If you do mean that, you might want to clarify it.) And hey, any chance of telling us what the fabric is like? Cotton, linen, silk, even wool? Some fabric he can't identify? Okay, maybe I'm giving Ki too much credit for knowing what clothes are made of ... ;)
*"He claimed that the cloth had been seeped in a concoction of crushed dragon scales and some rather less appealing things. I wasn't quite sure if I believed him." Amused by this. ;) Though do you mean "steeped"? You can't "seep" something in something else, though something can seep into another thing.
*Good job on the use of the rock to show that the fabric won't tear! And to show that Ki is actually a smart hero. Gasp. Is that an oxymoron? ;) Anyway, cheers for showing rather than just telling.
Overall:
Congratulations for getting through my huge huge review, for one thing. ;)
There's a lot of action in this chapter, but not so much introspection or thought -- and that's totally fine, but I mention it because it could have the effect of derailing the thought-line of the quest. You might want to give a tiny bit of reminder at some point as to where he's actually headed -- maybe mention the village he's headed for at the very end of the chapter, or something. That way, more forgetful readers can go, "Oh, yeah" and get back into the traveling groove.
And although I rip into the fight scene quite a bit, it's not as horrible as I might make it seem -- at least it didn't bog down in any of the usual spawn of ignorance: vagueness, over-writing, or absolutely and consistently unbelievable actions that make it clear the writer has no idea how a fight really works. The fight sequence really has a lot of potential, and I didn't throw my hands up in disgust and walk away from it mentally, which is good. I do that while trying to read a lot of fight scenes in published work, frankly -- but yours wasn't too overwordy and it wasn't too dull, so I didn't have to force myself to get through it.
The writing in this chapter seems a little sharper than the writing in the previous chapter. There's rather less of the extraneous words and distant-feeling phrasing that I keep nitpicking you on; and maybe that's because there's more action, but I also think it's because you aren't trying to infodump us with background or character sketching. You do seem to be better at writing action actively, though, than at writing non-action actively -- but it can be done! And it would be really cool if you did it, because then I'd be able to enjoy all of the first chapter, and not just the bits with weapons.
I'm giving this a 3, which is a lower rating than I gave the last chapter, even though I like this chapter rather better, because I feel the fight scene needs some reworking to reach more of its potential.
Cheers! |
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