A very good piece overall, but I do have a few criticisms. You should try to ease up on the use of semicolons a bit. Try to break down your sentences so that you don't need so many. The use of the word "tiredness" is slightly awkward. I would suggest "fatigue" instead. You use the word "amazing" three times in one sentence, usually considered a majort no-no by most authors. Most won't use the same descriptive word twice in one chapter, let alone the same paragraph. The phrase "Irrelevant of this" is somewhat improper. A better choice would be "irrespective" or "regardless". Irrelevant means that something is worthless or meaningless. Regardless means to do something in spite of the consequences, which is what I believe you were shooting for in that instance. Lastly, the phrase "relaxes around them and nor they with him" is also awkward to read. "relaxes around them, nor they with him" would work better. A very good story that needs some minor polishing. I think this could easily be expanded into a novel.
Bravo, Kim-Marie! I know I speak for budding writers everywhere who are, as you so aptly put it, going through the "daunting" process of putting together their first query letters. Your article puts it plain English that we can all understand and learn from. So many times editors, agents and publishers get caught up in their own words when trying to explain how to write a good query letter that those of us who are trying to figure out the whole process end up scratching our heads and saying "Huh?" Your article is clear, concise, to the point and the examples put it all into marvelous perspective. Thank you!
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