I like your poem. It offers all kinds of possibilities.
Is it about trying to possess something that can't be possessed, or
perhaps is it about a one sided relationship. Is it about trying to hold
tight to something that should be shared, like a talent.
I think this is a good start with a lot of
potential. When I read it, I wonder, how did
you react to the different weather events you
describe? Might the journey through weather have
a parallel with some other life event that changed
from cold and snow, to rain, to warm and cozy?
I think the poem as is creates a good framework
to expand upon.
I like the idea for this poem. It
almost reminds me a little of the Billy
Joel song that goes "You may be right, I may be crazy, but
it just may be a lunatic you're looking for."
I would try it a couple of different ways. In comedy,
timing is everything. Perhaps a stronger more driving rhythm would bring the humor out more.
I like the rhyme scheme of line one and four ending in a rhyme, but for me the rhyming words being of different lengths may dilute the power of the rhyme a little.
(TV and strategy, they rhyme but TV is short quick word, strategy has three well demarcated syllables. The same goes for therapy and be, and tragedy and me.) They rhyme, but they almost rhyme on different parts of the word which masks the rhyme somewhat.)
I would try it with a few fewer words in some lines.
Stanza one, line three, has enough words to stretch it out to four beats, so to speak, which contrasts with the three in most lines and impedes the flow a little.
The "But" in stanza two line three, and the "Now" in stanza three line three feel like they delay the downbeat to the second work of the line, which breaks up the rhythm a little as the other lines tend to come down right on word one. It might flow better without those words. The use of a single punctuation mark in the poem stands out a little.
Forgive my use of musical terms, (beat, and downbeat,) but I was a musician long before I started writing poems.
You are on to something good here. Keep carving out of the alphabet and it will get better and better.
It reminds me of my own kids climbing up on chairs in years gone by. You tell the story well. I like the last line which sort of tells why all that climbing was worth it for the young climber.
Nice poem! I like how the poem has both freely flowing elements, and elements of rhyme. I think the rhythm helps to keep the whole thing moving forward nicely and driving the message on.
Your poem does a good job of getting the sense
of chronic pain across. You capture the idea of
having to learn to cope with it.
I have only one suggestion. The last line repeats the first line of the third stanza. This works for the third stanza as an isolated part of the poem, but it seems to break up the rhyming scheme and flow of things for the poem as a whole.
The use of the shadow dancing imagery for the three stanzas
works well. I believe that you effectively get across the idea that it is easy to be too busy getting through life to
appreciate or ponder what it means. Keep up the good work!
I like your poem. It gets to the point of how life can be less than pefect
but still be great.
Did you mean to alternate the use of both I and i to refer to yourself?
That could be a choice of style, though it could be seen as a gramatical misadventure.
Line three and four sort of rhyme, but the other lines don't. That might make those two lines appear to stick out a bit from the rest of the poem.
I like the use of stick figures to symbolize a superficial
"saccharine" relation that avoids the complexities that the depths of relationships bring.
I think your poem effectively gets across the conflict of a relationship that might work at face value, but would be at risk if taken to a deeper level by using the "what if behind" lines.
Nice poem. It creates the overall "floating" dreamy sensation
used in the first few words of the poem. The poem also succeeds in placing two beings in the poem. Having the
dominant voice being the "other" rather than the "dreamer"
comes through well.
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