Hiya Jeff!
Thanks again for the review request! I'm using the rubric I use for the Quills, so I'll be getting very detailed throughout. Of course, let me know if I left anything unclear or if you have any questions about my review! 
*Initial impact (4.2/5)
-The Paris setting definitely helped for me  , love that place! Although there were a couple places I was confused, for the most part I could read through without pause and I enjoyed the oomph near the end.
*Grammar/Spelling (9/10 pts.)
-Almost flawless, with these two minor exceptions I caught:
-"...he was already smitten and would follow her anywhere; including to an underground party somewhere in the Catacombs of Paris." Semi-colon should be a comma.
-"'But people most just call us faeries.'" "Most" should be "mostly".
*Diction/Language (8.5/10 pts.)
-Language is for the most part great, especially once the two main characters descend into the catacombs. Sentences are lightly peppered with nice words like "gossamer" and "variegated" without getting in the way of flow. Nice variation in sentence lengths keeps things interesting, and the flow is consistently smooth and straightforward. The use of French is restrained but appropriate.
-"Comment vas-tu?" between good friends, as seems to be the case here, would more likely be "Ça va?" unless the boulanger is pretty old, but this is a tiny detail.
-"No further words were said"; passive isn't necessarily bad all the time, but "were said" is a bit of a stretch.
-"Dazzling lights projected prismatic blues and reds and greens off the walls while an infectious beat coursed through the crowd." Mmm, delicious diction!  The entire underground scene has similar examples that make me pause and appreciate the language, although such examples are a bit scarcer in the first and last sections.
*Dialogue/Voice (9/10 pts.)
-Although there were no truly exceptional moments in the dialogue, it always felt natural and helped in either advancing the plot or adding subtle shadings of characterization or setting.
-The first three lines of dialogue are a great example of the simplicity and great flow of the dialogue. With the first line, Stephen's character grows a bit as Stephen hints at his doubts; then Astrid's line expands on the nature of their relationship. Top notch!
-As mentioned before, the occasional use of French is a nice touch.
*Content/Subject (9/10 pts.)
-Superb description of the setting (Paris), with only a minor slip in terms of the timing of the story.
-Paris. Ahhh.... {e:contented smile}
-"Stephen didn't know much about the Catacombs of Paris, except a little snippet he remembered from an earlier audio tour he had taken on his first day in the city. As he sat on an overcrowded tour bus, the tinny voice in his disposable headphones told him that an entire subterranean network of mines and galleries existed beneath the streets of Paris." Excellent and totally accurate description.
-"Later that evening..." I thought it was the "very early morning hours"? 
-I'm not generally a fan of faery stories, evil or nice or otherwise (I think it's something about the wings), but the general mood was consistent throughout and the subject meshed well even with the non-magic scenes.
*Plot(8.5/10 pts.)
-Fairly straightforward overall, but executed with skill.
-I liked how the feel of the story changed slightly throughout. At first, it seemed to me just to be a fling in Paris, with just a barely perceptible dark edge. Then, it grew a bit darker and somewhat surprisingly turned out to be a fantasy story! However, the change here was smooth (with the exception I'll mention in a later section), as was the twist from happy fairies to blood-sucking evil ones. Again, the last scene was a bit different from anything that came before, as I now see what seems to be just the tip of the proverbial iceberg in a rather large, multidimensional evil operation. But again, the change was smooth because you dropped just enough clues along the way to ease the transition.
-I was still expecting a more straightforward ending where Stephen helped Astrid in helping beat the baddies. I'm glad that didn't happen, as it's much more interesting this way! 
*Characterization(6/10 pts.)
-Generally believable characters with generally clear goals, but without too much depth or striking features (faery-hood notwithstanding). The minor characters work quite well.
-"he was already smitten and would follow her anywhere" followed soon by "but now... doubts started to form", even though time hasn't changed? It's slightly unclear just how head over heels Stephen is and if he really would follow Astrid anywhere. Even if he's going back in forth in his head about this, leaning towards trusting Astrid, it's a bit confusing for the reader.
-Stephen seems rather blasé in going from "Whoa, you have wings?!" to "Okay, fairies, cool. You need my help? Sure thing." I think "You need me help? Wait a minute, can we go back to the part where you have friggin' wings? Are you serious?!" ("Yes, well, there are bad fairies we need your help with." "Er, yes, but, um, bad fairies and light fairies? I'm confused, can we talk about the fairy part for a second?") would be a more appropriate reaction for a typical human, and so far we haven't seen anything about Stephen that would lead the reader to believe otherwise. "Stephen's mind was reeling from all of this. Just a few minutes ago he hadn't believed in faeries or magic or anything outside of his routine, mundane life as a business management consultant." Yes, sure, but we didn't really see any of those intervening minutes in Stephen's head; we mostly skipped from the consultant bit to the fairies-are-a-thing bit. The best we got was "Stephen's mind was reeling", but that only came after he basically agreed to help. '"Of course. Anything for you."' Here's an opening to allow for this section to be smoother without having to change Stephen's category. So far, Stephen has been quite enchanted and a bit smitten with Astrid, but not magically infatuated, which might be what you're going for. That would make it a lot easier for the reader to buy Stephen's quick acceptance of fairies and his volunteering to help out.
-It also seems a kind of odd time to mention that he's a consultant; if you think it's an important characteristic (it could well be, because it stands so starkly in contrast with the magical setting), you might want to mention it earlier, or at least prepare it. The first paragraph or two might be a nice place to mention how glad he is he got away from meetings for the night, or how he's off on vacation in Paris, or whatever the situation is.
-So all in all, Stephen's a likable, believable, normal guy who seems inexplicably well-equipped to deal with the sudden appearance of faeries into his life without any obvious enchantments placed on him by said faeries. Fortunately, his panicked reaction to facing death seems to fit him better.
-Astrid comes across as manipulative, versatile, and evil despite being initially likable enough. Although there is, again, not all that much depth and we don't really get much explained or even implied in the way of her ultimate goals, her character is consistent and fairly solid.
-What I mean by that is that the explanation of good and bad fairies is straightforward, but the explanation we get as to why they want to come into our world is a bit wanting (essentially "We got bored in our shadowy plane of existence so we want to cause havoc somewhere else", which isn't entirely satisfying if all these fairies are as smart as Astrid seems to be). For the remainder of the story, you seem to backtrack into leaving the bad fairies' motivation unclear ("Well, they have some kind of evil plans", which comes in the form of "they want to further their plans" and "They might even be ahead of schedule at this point"), but by this point we've gotten an explanation and we see everything in that context.
-'"That's true," Astrid replied, her face twisting into a malevolent glare. "But then again, we never claimed to be the good faeries."' Short, sweet, incredibly revealing!
-The mass of fairies reacts appropriately as a group when descending on the poor bloke. I like the subtlety with which we believe Stephen's lack of wings draw their stares because they're surprised a non-fairy is there, when in fact they're staring because humans are delicious and their immediate motivation seems to be focused on drinking their blood. (Oh my!  How scandalous!  )
-I actually found Marcel quite interesting because we got so little information about him! He seems positively terrifying in retrospect.
*Form (4.5/5 pts.)
-The tension build-up is excellent, and the climax and all the turns happen at exactly the right moments. Nothing feels to drawn-out or rushed (again, the only exception is mentioned above) and the proportions of the whole are great.
-"And then, almost on cue, there was another knock at the door as Laurent arrived with his date." Hmmm, last line doesn't quite seem to work for me, perhaps because it seems to be introducing a new character. Maybe "there was another knock at the door as the next fairy arrived with his unsuspecting human companion"? I dunno.
-That line aside, the last section is perhaps just a bit on the long end for my personal taste, but it's a great denouement with all the right info at just the right place.
*Focus (4.8/5 pts.)
-There were a stray thing or two here or there that didn't advance the plot (a handful of ideas got repeated in the first few paragraphs), but almost every single word helped carry the story along in some way, shape, or form, be it in describing the setting, advancing the plot, developing the characters, or simply serving as powerful language in and of itself.
*Creativity/Originality (4/5 pts.)
-The good/bad dichotomy presented isn't terribly original, nor is the presence of fairies, but the execution and surprise factor make this an original story instead of a rehash. Bonus points for the original and creepy setting (the Catacombs are actually terrifying). The main characters are fairly straightforward, the secondary characters show more originality, and the telling of the tale is the most original of all, with a sudden and unexpected twist.
*General effect (8.5/10 pts.)
-I'm not usually into fairy stories too much, but this one worked for me! (I do believe in fairies! I do! I do! ) The setting, language, and plot were strong suits that drew me in and made want to not only make it all the way to the end but to re-read it once I had finished. Well done!
Rating: 4.22/5 stars
I hope this was helpful, and I'm happy to re-review if you make any changes or to answer any questions you might have! Take care bud, and write on!
`Andrew |
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
But better late than never, eh?
You've done a really fine job of setting up this gala, and the hors d'oeuvres are absolutely top-notch! 
