Hi! I found this story by going through the read and review tab. I hope this helps in some way.
First off, let me begin by saying that I love the premise of this story. Dan's character was interesting to learn about. I enjoyed his character growth through the story and it's impressive that you could portray this growth through mostly dialogue and flash backs (speaking of instances and occurrences of the past). I got lost in his story, especially near the part where he explained how he came to help with the FBI.
I found myself not liking Roberts character at first. It seemed unkind that he was using Dan to further his career and that he had ulterior motives to bringing him on the show. But, he too, seemed to round out the more the story progressed. I do wish that his story was fleshed out a bit more. I was a little confused at first as to what his ulterior motives were and think that's why I didn't like him. Once I understood that he was ready to move on from the show and knew more about him, it made sense but it still felt as though something was lacking - I'm not sure what. Maybe by explaining Robert's desire for an investigative role earlier in the story and then building more upon it throughout could help. You could explain why he thought the detective was dirty and why it was important to Robert (besides just moving up the career ladder) have the detective brought to justice.
Lastly, I will say that some of the dialogue became dry at times. It was hard to get into the story or feel any emotion, especially more towards the beginning of the story. However, like I said in the beginning, this seemed to be remedied later because I really did get lost in the telling of Dan's journey to where he is today (so to speak). As for grammar, spelling, etc, I didn't see much that needed correcting. I think I saw a place or two that had missing words probably from typing too quickly. It happens to the best of us! So maybe spend a minute or two to look over the story just to double check for that stuff. Like so said though, nothing major stuck out at me.
Overall, I really enjoyed the story. The ending did kind of catch me by surprise and I love the cliff hanger. Did Dan bury the detective with his mind? Was he dead or buried alive? Kind of intense and oh so good! I would definitely love to read more if you decide to make any revisions. I'd love to see where you can take this so I really hope you keep working on it even though I see by he date that it's an oldy. Again, I hope this review is useful to you in some way. I'm glad I came across your story here!
Hi! This is my review for the Sculpting Poetry Contest. I have to start out by saying wow! I loved this so much and I think you did a great job with the form and theme. I love how you talked about going forward in time and wasting time - just the many ways we look at time and how frustrating that can be. I also really love the last stanza. I feel like this could be on a inspirational picture floating around facebook! I would only have a few suggestions. First, I would suggesting changing create to creating in line 3. Next, and this one is a personal thing for the flow of the poem, I would add 'doing' at the end of the first stanza. Overall though I loved this poem! It was a great contest entry. Thank you so much for your interest and support! Write on!
I made a mistake on my last review, so I plan on fixing it here.
Your poem follows the guidelines of Terza Rima. (I was trying to go too fast, it is completely my fault.) Your approach to the topic was interesting and unique. I love that you used the poem to intrude yourself and your family. It tells a lot about you, as a person. I also like that it was less serious, happy, and fun. Cookey poems are some of my favorites. Good job and continue to enter the contest.
I really love your poem. The approach you made to the prompt was unique. I like that you used it to let people know about yourself and your family. However, I can't consider this for a winning prize. The style of Terza Rima is strictly three line stanzas. Your poem was perfect until the last couplet that you added. I'm really sorry. Better luck next time and continue to enter the contest.
Lovely poem. Beautifully followed tanka form. However, I do believe that tanka is a single stanza of five lines. I love how you transformed the prompt and thought out of the box. You were certainly BRAVE (haha). Your story here is sweet and carries a powerful and simple message to all readers. It evokes emotion and has great imagery. You really draw in all readers. Great job. I don't think I can qualify this a winning piece, but I will do some research! Great job and please continue to enter the contest!!
First of all, you correctly followed the guidelines of the contest and a tanka poem! Great job with that. I like how your poem embodies not one description of bravery, but three. Each of them different, but each still brave. I love it! You really did a great job thinking and connecting with the prompt. Your message is delievered loud and clear. Great job!!
I love this! You ask a question and teach your reader something. I think it's great when a reader can walk away from a poem changed, if only a tiny bit. You follow the guidelines perfectly. Great job!! Please continue to enter the contest please!!
Your diction is very good in this piece. I enjoyed the unique subject, as well. However, you leavethe reader with a lot of questions. I was confused, as well. Why was the dwarf having to fight for his clan? Also, this entire paragraph left me with a big question mark.
Flouvi half turned towards the dwarf beside him, in an equally whispered tone replied 'I know you, not your name - your clan. You're one of the young clans, the upstarts. You arose after my clan protected us all from the Dark God of Winter, we sacrificed our warriors to save you. What did we get for it? You left us to suffer come harvest, left us to struggle while you took what's rightfully ours.' Flouvi turned to look him full in the face, menace unmistakably running through his voice 'My clan had no choice. We had to survive. For generations we toiled and worked in the fields, laboured in the mines and foundries. But no more.' Flouvi spat on the floor, in front of the stunned dwarf's leather boots. 'Aye – farmers we became, we worked hard for our survival. Now we're ready to reclaim our place as warriors, as protectors of our lands. We will reclaim our territories – from whoever took them. Be he Orc, Man - or Dwarf'.
Maybe if you could clarify this a little, it would help the reader to follow along. One of the best things about a story is being able to float along behind the words of an author. Good job. Hope this helped. Write on!!
I don't know much about cinquain poems so I'm kind of speaking blindly here. I really like this. It's very unique. I love how your able to get your point across so clearly with so few words. (I did look up this form and found that you correctly followed two of the patterns that are used to create a proper cinquain poem. The there are:
Line1: One word
Line2: Two words
Line 3: Three words
Line 4: Four words
Line 5: One word
Line 1: A Noun
Line 2: Two adjectives
Line 3: Three -ing words
Line 4: A phrase
Line 5: Another word for the noun
Line1: Two syllables
Line2: Four syllables
Line 3: Six syllables
Line 4: Eight syllables
Line 5: Two syllables
You followed both patterns number one and two. Great job! Thanks for teaching me something new and thanks for the great poem!! Write on.
I really enjoyed this poem! You did a great job with following the correct rhyme scheme. You also didn't push or force your rhymes, which is easy to do, especially with poems such as this. I only found a few errors with punctuation.
When absent eyes forget the nighttime sky,
Draco, star-born sentry bares his wings.
Unknown to heedless mortal mind and eye ,
He glides o’er sacred night and sweetly sings
A lullaby, a soft celestial song .
His voice a silver symphony, he gleams
On wings of ancient crystal, bright and strong ,
To send the world adrift in dragon dreams.
He guards his sleeping children through the night ,
Watching close with eyes that never tire .
And keeps the sacred moon alive and bright ,
With constant jets of frozen diamond fire.
But when the jealous sun ignites the day
Draco, star-born sentry fades to grey.
However, these are just my suggestions. Great poem. Write on!!
You have a beautiful meaning to this piece. However, it seems like a story to me more than a poem, however that is just my personal opinion. Also, the line " the stars shown dimly as time progresses" does not fit with the rest of the poem grammatically. It should be progressed. I enjoyed the piece! Keep Writing.
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