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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carpageo
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26 Public Reviews Given
169 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of A New Years Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Amy! It's me, Carlos!

I definitely enjoyed finally reading your poem. What I like about it is that it not only poses questions to the reader but presents some sorts of solutions, too. The interesting thing is that the wishes you listed in question form at the beginning of the poem are really specific solutions to the advice you give the reader at the end, i.e., "believe, love,...reflect...spend time with family and friends." These are all nice thoughts and images, quite appropriate to a New Years' poem. I think you did a fine job. I hope you keep on expressing yourself this way. I can tell you have both the knack for writing and the need to create. As you've already discovered, this is a fantastic website to help you do so. I encourage you to keep using it, whenever you feel the need for therapeutic writing or you just want to post some new thoughts/words for others to see!

Warm wishes,
Carlos
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Review of HELD  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Kati,

I rarely find myself at a total loss for words when I am rating and reviewing somebody's work. But that is just how I find myself now. Yet I know it will pass; it is just a sort of emotional "shock", the unexpected discovery of something that speaks true and to the reader's core.

First, you've taken on a subject that is both deep and far-reaching, and you avoided sounding maudlin or glib--or, either because of or, perhaps, in addition to resisting such writing traps, your work rings honest.

Your poem is also specific where it needs to be, but universal enough so that I, a college student who has heard of such school killings but who has never known anyone involved in them, can still relate and readily respond to its emotional appeal.

More positives:

The rhyme doesn't seem forced; it reads naturally. Maybe not every line rhymes where it "should", but, of course, it doesn't have to. I think the rhyming lines only add a subtle order to the poem; whereas it would be good--and, I understand, still poetry--without it, the rhyming adds another layer of quality for the reader to consider and appreciate.

The approximate repetition of lines 2 and 4 and then literal repetition of lines 11 and 16 also add something. They underscore the emotional appeal, or question, of your poem effectively, although, again, it is not an overused or overstated technique.

Now, a couple of things I was left wanting or wondering about:

What is the song referred to in the ninth stanza?

Also, in line 19, does the question, Is this all part of your great plan? refer to God or something or someone else? I wasn't entirely certain, because I'm used to seeing pronouns that refer to God capitalized. Please don't think I'm trying to be condescending here; I'm not. I'm honestly accustomed to seeing references to God indicated in this way; and you also refer to parents earlier in the poem, and to society in general, I think. It may just be a personal problem I have with ambiguity; others may think your message is just fine the way it is. I just like to have a small additional clue as to whether the you in "your" refers to an immortal, spiritual being or a mortal, tangible one.

That brings me to my last point. The word "you" may be a bit overused, and it can become a little confusing, because (I think) not only does it refer to parents/society, but it also seems to refer to God or a higher power as well as to--at least in the song lyrics--the victims...or friends and classmates of the victims. Again, I like your poem's universality; I think you can preserve the universality of it by assigning the third person pronouns to mean one thing, i.e., God/society/parents, and the first person pronouns to mean the other, i.e., the victims and their friends. You've accomplished most of such work properly already.

Thank you for your evocative and thought-inspiring work,

Carlos
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a loose poem (perhaps my favorite kind; I would term most of the poetry I write as "loose poetry") that seems to me at first to describe the primal libido, but then, as it continues on, it seems to describe a more general primal instinct--e.g., "the mindless ride". I especially like that aspect of it. It takes you someplace unexpected...perhaps a lot like 'blindly' following your instincts might do.

You might wish to put some finishing touches on it, give it a more "professional", finished sound as it is read (or as you read it to yourself aloud), but, despite that, I think it has excellence as its core, for it's subject is honest and unexpected: pure gold.

*Heart*
Carlos
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Review of IMPURE ANGELS  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Wow, I saw the name of your folder and opened it anyway, just asking for Doom and Gloom, and I found it!!!

I thought this might be a humanistic poem expressing how we can all sometimes be like "impure angels," starting out with impure intentions but being told or taught that our thoughts and actions, and even our instinctual impulses, are impure.

But I see that your poem was something much darker, especially the final stanza. I shall try to rate your poem based not on my expectations, but on my evaluation of the poem itself, disregarding my initial misconception.

I like your presentation and the ease and sensibility of your rhyming phrases. I especially like the title of both your folder and the poem itself, which, after all, "drew me in" to begin with--ooh/ah, doesn't that last phrase have some dark implications!*Laugh*

And I like your first two stanzas. I felt that they expressed quite human thoughts and emotions to which I can sometimes relate.

I feel like the two stanzas after that, though, went in a completely unexpected direction. You might say I thought the ending was surprisingly extreme. Like you are saying that once someone realizes they have flaws and are surrounded by temptations and might give in to their weaknesses and fears, they are doomed!

Of course, I'm sure you don't really believe something like that; that was just my initial reaction to the poem. But then, with writing, often the bulk of what we are saying is in just the impression that it gives. Because the writing, once we've presented it to be read by the public, doesn't change; and impressions change from reader to reader, but not usually within the individual reader, as it is, sometimes, even within the author, once he or she has written something they now feel is "complete". That's what feedback is all about for us, the authors; sometimes it takes just one person's response to make us see something we've written in a different way and maybe change the piece to incorporate the change(s) in our perspective.

You might say a reader can change his or her perspective, too, but if the initial reading doesn't do that, it's not likely that future readings alone will, or even consulting with the author about their thoughts and intentions while writing it--naught but experience might change the reader's perspective on a piece they've already read and processed.

Sincerely yours,
*Smile*
Carlos
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Review of Untitled  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think this poem is beautifully tragic. And it sounds to me like you are experiencing a lot of pain. I've been in such a sad place, and I've written some similarly hopeless stuff (in my "Old Pile" of poetry), so I believe that your writing is a reflection of the way you felt when you wrote it, and likely the way you are still feeling, because it is difficult--although, perhaps, not impossible--to be inspired with sincere words of deep sadness that do not come directly from your present or recent experiences.

I have to give this a five-point-oh, because it really does impress me with its honesty while it retains its structure and poetic beauty, and, I admit, probably because it reminds me a little of my own old poetry.

Carlos
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Anne,

You've done a great job here of painting a very realistic, albeit disappointing picture of the world. But I cannot think of the many crowds of people I've come across and think that your impression is frighteningly accurate.

Everybody probably has at least one place to which they long to return but know (or slightly suspect) that it would be impossible to do so. According to your commentary-story, that for you would be the little smoky blue room, sucking in that intoxicating smoke with your friends. Undeniably, our memories of "the way things were" or our thoughts of the way things "could" or "should" be can become our archetypes of happiness. Right or wrong, that's the way it is. Somehow, all of these people, with their own dreams of happiness and peace, can only seem to treat each other with hatred or indifference, rather than love (or at least understanding!) and the recognition that we all have dreams in common.

And, right or wrong, you told it, the way it is.
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Review of Name  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
To Hazel, or nelly, or simply to the Author of "Name":

This is another very honestly expressed piece, and, for that reason, I can't help but like it.

It's not perfect, but then that's just as it should be. I appreciate poems that just are written for the sake of honest expression, rather than to display a skill for composing decorative and "pretty" phrases. In contrast, the "messiness" or unpolished/unrevised appearance of a poem can make a statement in itself, one that demands the reader's acceptance "as is," or, well, "To hell with you."

My neice's style is a little like that, and she has found in herself an undeniable collection of waking talents that happen to (blessedly) include writing poetry. I find it refreshing, and I feel as if I've gotten to know the writer of such a poem much better than when I read a more classical-style poem. I wouldn't use the word "stuffy" to describe anything I've read on WdC, but I have found some poems that feel to detached and unreachable. I would never use such terms to describe Hazel's (aka nelly's)--your writing. I'll even venture to say that's a good thing!

Carlos
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this story for so many reasons. I like the subtle emotionality of it--it's inherent in the actions of the individuals, not forced--I like the attention to details, like the many items around the living room and the rest of the house.

I like the fact that the story deals with Alzheimer's, a brain disease which I may one day be studying as a neuropsychologist. I'm not sure of the years in which this story takes place, exactly, but I would guess that little was known about the disease at the time. Although only a little more is known about it now, at least we have a general idea of what to expect if a relative develops symptoms of the disease, so that we can be a little more explicit with our children when we find out that our relative is afflicted.

The elusive cuckoo clock that finally struck at the proper time so that you were able to witness it was a nice touch. It was a sign that things had really changed, I imagine. And I like the way you sat down and read your "Betty Ballerina" book again, as if trying to recapture the old familiarity, as if to hold on to it. And then, after the clock struck, just like a kid would do, you decided to go back outside to play, instead of dealing with your feelings of ambiguity in a place that has suddenly become uncomfortable for you.

This is truly a perfect little story. Quite impressive, if I may say so! Thank you for sharing it.
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I thought that this was the cutest little story!

I loved your consistent use of color. It is amazing how that works to make the story more vivid for adults, even as it does for children! At first, I actually expected Miriam to create some sort of abstract work with all the colors her hands might have been stained with.*Smile*

I was very pleased with your ending, because I had already decided that my favorite line was, "Her mother had the biggest smile Miriam had [ever] seen. Sometimes Mommy smiled so long and wide, Miriam could count her front teeth," before I came to the ending. When I did, it brought a smile to my face again, and a small laugh.

There are some minor corrections that are needed, which I will try to note in an e-mail to you.

And I wondered how Miriam had created a "photo" album of the day's experiences, when there was no previous mention of a camera. I assumed it was an album of illustrations which Miriam had lovingly dubbed a "photo album."

Your story gave me a good feeling inside, which, I think, good children's stories should do. I definitely would give you an 'A' for this one. I suppose I did, didn't I? Thank you, Bonnie, for the story and the smiles.




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Review of Jaded  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You seem to be struggling with many emotions and thoughts within your poem. It reminds me somewhat of an old poem of mine called, "Look at all of them." I most like your first two lines, "My life so cold and faded, My outlook crushed and jaded."

I must admit I rarely read things twice to understand them, but I made an exception in this case, because I am impressed by what you have tried to do and what I am guessing you have experienced, in this and in your other poems. Upon rereading, I understood everything pretty well, right up until, "I've pushed you as far as you would go, And now I lay myself so low." After that, I find myself guessing at many possible conclusions. I would love to know more, and, for that reason, I will probably read another of your poems next, about your soldiering, but I think that, if you decided to extend the length of this and tried to explain a little bit or maybe add some vital details, still using poetic form, that decision would add to this piece tremendously. Even readers of poetry need to find clarification--that is, unless the intention of the poem is nothing but fantasy, mythology, or simply a mind trip.

Thank you for allowing yourself to be vulnerable, so that I and others might have a look into and try to understand your personal experiences.
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Review of Quake  Open in new Window.
Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a unique but very effective metaphor.
I would have to say my favorite line is the last, "Pray the curtain falls soon," but a close second is, "Roar of applause steals my breath."

I have said on occasion, "I still don't know what poetry is," but I know somehow that this is poetry, and that it is very good.

Having been in theatre, I love the metaphor, and I think that sometimes, perhaps, it can be the other way around; a play rehearsal can be like an earthquake, too!

Thank you for a wonderful, vivid little poem about one of nature's most powerful acts.
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very good. Emry, I feel like I already know a great deal about you from this, the only piece I've read by you so far. It is obvious to me why your English teacher said you could possibly "go somewhere" with your writing. Your writing went straight to my head and my heart.

I feel almost envious of your passion and your ability for writing. I feel the same passion, the same intensity of emotion when I am able to write, but it has to compete with so many other obligations in my life that I am often afraid I will lose that passion forever. I'm not sure if such a thing is possible, but your single testimonial has made me believe that it is not, that my passion will wait for me forever, because writers like you keep it alive, you nurture it with your love, time, and energy.

I am relieved to hear that you will never stop writing. I hope and trust that I will always find your spirit in the written treasures I come across in days ahead. Who knows? Some may even be your written treasures. I hope so.

Thank you for sharing this source of inspiration.
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Review by Carpageo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"Oh, Lord," I said to myself as I finished reading this piece, with a sniffle in my nose and a tear beginning in each of my eyes. I felt the impact of this piece for many reasons. I have been a CNA and I have taken care of some elderly home residents after they've moved on. I took care of a gentleman named Ken, coincidentally, too, in his home, but he passed away after I left the area and my job caring for him. And I think of my mother. She has the same disease my Ken had, Parkinson's, and I wonder when her time will come, and if I will be here for her--and she for me--when it does. And I think of my father. I had left his hospital in Bend, OR, before he died to return home to Astoria, but my brother-in-law, who answered the phone when I called to check on his condition, called me ten minutes later to tell him my father had finally passed away, and I thought: Did my dad sense that I had called? Did he sense that I had made the trip home safely? Did he finally decide that I would be alright without him if he died? Did he hear the soft words I had spoken to him in the hospital, words that I could never had uttered had he been conscious, because sharing tender moments with another man was difficult with his tough--although not unkind--"caballero" demeanor?
Thank you for tapping into a wellspring of emotions and memories for me that I cherish like a favorite old song or a reminder of how much I love my newlywed wife each time I see her face as she sleeps. Thank you for your honest, clear portrayal of the events and feelings that occurred when your Ken slipped from your soft grasp.
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