\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carlo_04
Review Requests: OFF
16 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Filth  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Joseph!
This was nicely penned! The structure is clean, and nice use of slant rhymes :) This will have a big spot in our Literary Section. Thank you for sharing this work of art!

How it hit me
First thing I noticed... soooo clean. It had a solid musical rhythm to keep me reading, and the lines weren't too long either. You clearly know what you're doing, you gave it a good meter and some neat unforced rhymes. You're doing a great job, and you keep on improving with every work. Hats off.

SUGGESTIONS
As compelling as it is, we can't always be perfect right?

[Structure]
Let's start with the rhymes. Again, they were not forced and everything complemented each other. Though the rhymes are muffled (disorganized), it is not a necessity to arrange them. Knowing you though, you want to keep on improving, right?
Link: http://nicholastozier.com/have-you-mastered-all-si...

Now the meter, the poem had an almost perfect 8 syllable count except for the 2nd line. Don't worry, it ain't significant and only few would probably care... besides the 2nd line was great idea of getting the readers involved. Yes, talk with the readers, make them part of what they are reading... great job on doing just that.

[GRAMMAR]

I am no professional, I urge you to correct me if I make mistakes.

The things I do leave me dismay.
Dismay (Verb) - cause (someone) to feel consternation and distress.
Dismay (Noun) - consternation and distress, typically that caused by something unexpected.
If I were to rewrite it:
The verb form: The things I do leave me dismayed
The noun form: The things I do leave me in dismay
Meter wise, I suggest you take the verb form. This is just an opinion, I may be wrong.

[Message]

I may not get the meaning you really want to show, so please notify me if I get it wrong or missed something.

We all want to change for the better, however, IT'S NOT EASY. We challenge ourselves, try everything we can but IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY. This may not be entirely related but I just want to share my thoughts... We all have that backstory that makes us cringe just thinking about it, but that story made us... of who we are today. No matter how bad or disgusting we once were... let's just face it, it's what makes you 'YOU'. However, that story don't DEFINE us as an entire person... because who 'YOU' are is the story that comes after.
Favorite part was:
I wasn't created this way,
The things I do leave me dismay.
I want my life to be arranged,
So I tell you this, I will change.
From the start, nobody chose what life they are going to live... but if life did not turned out to be a good one, we need the drive to make it better. Great words, great advocacy.
2
2
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Syzygy, this is one fine work you have. it was a pleasure to read.


How it hit me:
First thing is, it had a rhythm. You wrote it traditionally with nice rhymes at the ending of each line, except for the last two. The quartet had a good flow and nice touch on the imagery. Also, like any other good poems, it "shows" a story instead of "telling" one. The repetition of the first line of every stanza was a good way of emphasizing how lost in thought you were in a somehow bright, or should I say, lively/promising night. The last line gave the punch, nicely done, we do sometimes think of someone that it comes to the point were we literally loose our senses of the everything around us... then your mother slaps you in the face because you were smiling like a mad man while watching the news of the Paris Attack (That was a joke). Readers would have no problem relating to this piece as they do daydream most of the time during exams (That was another joke).


SUGGESTIONS:
As compelling as it is, we can't always be perfect right?

[Structure]

1. Yes it rhymes, but in writing traditional poems, we have this thing called 'rhyming patterns'
Link: http://nicholastozier.com/have-you-mastered-all-si...
Though it is not required, it will give your poem more fluidity than a muddled rhyming scheme.

2. We also have a 'meter' to every line, we also call it the syllable count
Link: http://www.creative-writing-now.com/poetry-meter.h...
Again this is not required, but if you want the readers to almost sing the poem and have them really get into it... you have to have a consistent meter of every line. If you want, it is also acceptable to pattern your meter. Like you don't need a 10 syllable count of every line in the poem, you could set a 10-9-10-11 to the first paragraph and then also have that same meter pattern to the proceeding ones.

[Message]

I may not get the meaning you really want to show, so please notify me if I get it wrong or miss something.

We always think about the ones we love, could be a family member, a friend, Ada or Rochelle.... no matter who or what they are, they always give us the butterflies, the rainbows, and sunshine. And we want to see that sunshine, we strive to know what it means or why it's there... We can never truly understand
why we feel that and why it comes from that person, but it's never wrong to try.


Again thank you :)
3
3
Review of WRITING  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was some fine work, nice touch on the 'The Most Important Invention'. I admire this kind of poetry as it teaches us that, should I say, the most mundane tasks are the most important ones.
Impressive lines that I thought were:
"A dead man's thoughts, alive again."
"Filling a silence yet unheard."
Hope to read more poetry from you :)
4
4
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Too much feels in poem.
5
5
Review of The Pained Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A bit short, but was a pleasure to read. Thank you for writing and keep on doing it
6
6
Review of Soles  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great Job! Keep writing egreyes :)
7
7
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well written, but I would have loved to see a solid ABAB rhyming pattern. Great job.
8
8
Review of Rhyming Galore  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Rhyming Galore indeed.
9
9
Review of Bullying  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I wish my bully in middle school can read this
10
10
Review of Diseppearing  Open in new Window.
Review by Carlo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Great job! I was actually singing while reading it. It's quite catchy, but tragic though.
10 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carlo_04