I’m a new member of writing.com. I like that there are forums made just to assist writers. There’s nothing more frustrating then writing a story and wondering if it’ll be noticed.
This is a wonderful idea for bringing writers together.
I haven’t posted any of my work here yet though I do have some in the works and would love to see and hear what others think of my work.
I would like to review “Bright Shining Star” by SherrasQ....
Over all I enjoyed the story. It shows a lot of promise and a lot of thought. But in truth I found it a bit confusing. There were instances where some more explanation would have been good. I felt at the end that I really needed a lot more. The writing style was great I felt that you were comfortable with the story witch made it more enjoyable to me. But it felt like there were gaps.
I didn’t understand some of it. It almost felt like I was jumping in to it in the middle of the story. Like something was just not there.
For example how has ADHD become an epidemic and why are children with it treated badly and dyeing. Why are children taken if they test over 85? What is tested as being over 85. Where exactly are they taken and who takes them. Why are children taken from there parents?
Why does the new medication work if the old stuff doesn’t? What about it makes it so hard for Quenden to take it? Why is it so hard to get?
What’s an embargo and why is it against Johalimar?
It felt like there was a gab in the transition to Johalimar, it took a moment and a reread to figure that out.
How is it that she knew who they guy was how grabbed her arm? Is he famous or something?
What about this war? Why wasn’t it mentioned sooner? Why are they at war and why is it so important to get Earth involved?
If you could give some description of the alien races that would be helpful. Its hard to visualize them at the moment. But a bit of description and background on them would be helpful.
The ending didn’t feel finished. I think you could have elaborated a little with it.
As for the epidemic out of pure curiosity and as a person with ADHD what made you pick it as the cause? Why not make up a new one? What is it about ADHD that interested you enough to put it in your story?
I know there’s a lot of questions there I apologize. I think your story has great potential and you do continue it. I just hope that I may have help. Maybe even a little.
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