I'm reviewing your story for "Let's Publish!" Any suggestions made here are just that, suggestions. If you don't understand something written, please feel free to contact me.
From an initial quick read, the story reminds me of To Kill A Mockingbird.
Title:
The title of this short story belies the tone of the piece. "Memories of Mississippi Summer" seems to suggest a romance or positive memories of the past. Oddly enough, however, as I think about it, it works and helps to convey the shocking attitude of some in the 60s.
Plot:
There were a couple of places in the first section where I had to read twice to understand what was happening. For example, "Mama passed away in my senior year" might be clearer in the time frame if you used the past perfect tense "had passed" and changed "in" to "during." Second, if you make the sentence "I knew I had to put him to rest, put it all to rest. I decided to make" a compound sentence by adding "or" could make this sentence work better. Other than that, I thought you worked the plot remarkably well. I was prepared for Daddy to be a jerk, but I was not prepared for Toby to get killed the way he did.
Style & Voice:
Your author's tone and attitude to the characters and the action comes through well. I especially like your use of alliteration and description. I also like how Steve is oblivious to the racism around him and just doesn't understand what the townspeople's problem is with his friendship with Toby. You do well with the implication of the idea that racism is a learned behavior. I'm glad that Steve rose beyond the town's racial discrimination. Toby is a fabulous foil. He knows what the town believes and feels and understands, but at the same time he values his friendship with Steve. I also like the fact that Toby took it upon himself to "save" the girl; I would expect nothing less of him.
Referencing:
Wow! I'm a stickler for accurate details in a story. As I read through the first time, I actually checked a few of the details on your timeline. I sincerely can't believe that Hurricane Camille was that long ago; it doesn't seem like it. You certainly did well to set the reader up for the events in the 60s.
Scene/Setting:
At the end, my mind went "Aha!" I finally realized the significance of the tree that continued to be mentioned throughout the story. I wonder if, at the beginning, it would assist the reader if the first two paragraphs were switched. (Just an idea.)
Characters:
The two boys and the Judge are perfectly fitting. What I'm wondering, however, is how old the two boys are when they rode through the cemetery that fateful day. Just their demeanor seems younger than 16, which is how old a sophomore in high school would be. How long did he have to live with his father before his mother died his senior year? Steve seems too naive to be in high school; I just can't place my finger on it.
Grammar: watch the Virginian on our new color TV The words "The Virginian" is the title of a television show and should be note as such with either italics or underlined. The word "the" is actually part of the show's title. Coca Cola bottles The brand name needs a hyphenn: Coca-Cola. Judge will be closing up More "Toby style" to use the contraction Judge'll be closing. size bass over his shoulder and it landed in the dirt This is a longer compound sentence and needs a comma between "shoulder" and "and." over the Lake from You are not naming the lake here; thus, it should not be capitalized. nigger loving This should be hyphenated. me in the mud and I turned to see A comma between "mud" and "and" for a compound sentence.
Hello. I am Professor/Coach Caressa from your PF 101 at the Writer’s Academy. This is a review of A Bleeding Heart for the sports challenge.
Grade/Score: B
Rhyme: not applicable
Rhythm: A rhythm was suggested but not used
Flow: Like many poems I read by today's poets, much of the poetic impact is lost due to structure. It would help this poem make more of an impact if you could transcend the sentence format structure: Lines 1-3 for a complete sentence, lines 4-6, lines 7-10, and so on. Also, the concept of your poem is lessened by the smoothness of the sentence structure. The speaker of the poem seems upset, even irritated, yet your structure softens her pain too much.
Format and Prompt: Prompt and format followed. Key phrases included with the exception of the bonus prompt.
Grammar: The grammar errors that occur are sentence structure in nature. For example, line 4-5 - subject verb agreement "memories" - "leave," line 5 - no comma, line 7 - omit "which," line 11 - comma at the end, line 14 - commma after "then"
Just My Personal Opinion: I like the images you have used and I would like to see it revised without the sentence format.
Hello. I am Professor/Coach Caressa from your PF 101 at the Writer’s Academy. This is a review of your assignment for Lesson 3: count up/count down.
Grade/Score: 95% = B
Rhyme: not applicable
Rhythm: Both the counting up and counting down syllable pattern were accurate.
Flow: The count up seems forced and, although I'm not sure how to fix it, the last three lines read awkwardly.
Format and Prompt: Formats and prompts followed.
Grammar: The count up has a couple of grammar concerns: 1. In line 7, the word "a" should read as "an" since the next word begins with a vowel sound. 2. In the last half of the count up poem, your flow drags due to the fact that the verbs are not parallel in structure:"have shown" (present perfect) & "extending" (progressive). Either of the fixes I can devise ruin your syllable count but make the poem read more smoothly.
CHOICE A
You have shone in my life
like an ever glowing lamp and extending a firm promise,
the light of which never decreases and which is forever fortifying.
CHOICE B
You have shone in my life
like an ever glowing lamp
and have extending a firm promise
the light of which never decreases, and which isits light forever fortifying.
In the count down, the hesitation in reading comes when you switch from phrases without action to clauses with a subject and verb.
Just My Personal Opinion: I like the topic of both poems. The count down is a difficult topic because people dream in different ways; you seem to address many of the dreams people have.
Hello. I am Professor/Coach Caressa from your PF 101 at the Writer’s Academy. This is a review of your assignment for Lesson ONE: Alphabet Poetry.
Grade/Score: 90%/3.0
Rhyme: Not rhymed - not a requirement.
Rhythm: No rhythm. No required rhythm.
Flow: To me you took the following directions without reading the last sentence. "If you’d like more of a challenge, try creating a twenty-six word poem – using the alphabet (in order, either A – Z or Z – A) as each word’s beginning letter. The challenge here is to create something coherent." With the concept of creating something coherent, the words would need to say something rather than just list. (i.e. Ann Believes Caring Does Everything For Granny's Health. - See the difference. Say something with the words rather than just list)
Format and Prompt: Although I understand that the poetic form is to begin each line with a different letter of the alphabet, this poem appears and feels like a just an alphabetized list of words that describe your friend. If the poem stood without a title, the reader would have no idea of who or what the subject of the poem was.
Grammar: Since you have just listed words to describe your friend, there is little room for grammatical error.
Just My Personal Opinion: You have a good list, but it just doesn't convey anything.
Hello. I am Professor/Coach Caressa from your PF 101 at the Writer’s Academy. This is a review of your assignmentfor Lesson 5: Rictameter.
Grade/Score: 95%/4.5
Rhyme: No rhyming required
Rhythm: You followed the syllable count of the Rictameter carefully.
Flow: I like the fact that you used the center line (the one of 10 syllables) a statement of its own and that the groups of lines before and after it also work together. Unfortunately, some grammar errors create a hesitant flow. (See below)
Format and Prompt: Once again - Rictameter form is followed well.
Grammar: Since your subject is plural (happy days of the past), the verbs you choose should be plural (for the most part, plural verbs in the present tense do not have an "s"). Thus, "continues" should be "continue" and "makes" should be "make." Using the verb "make" works awkwardly with the word "feeling." Rather than change "feeling" to "feel" and ruin your syllable count, a better word to choose might be "leave" for "makes."
Just My Personal Opinion: I like the simplistic way you deal with a complex idea. My only suggestion would be in line six - to find something clearer than "wait for good time."
I’M REVIEWING THIS PIECE FOR THE WINTER WRITING WARM UP @ THE TALENT POND!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and constructive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
FIRST IMPRESSION:
I like the idea of the story, but when I got halfway through, I found myself confused as to who was spinning. I had to reread slowly, and I still don't know if I got it correct.
PROTAGONIST / ANTAGONIST:
As a former theater director, I can appreciate Cynthia's urgency to replace her costume; however, the story seems to begin far to close to curtain for her to believably run to the city.
PLOT
BEGINNING & ENDING:
Although the ending was a surprise, I was left wanting something more. How did she find the hidden door? Did the mime change back to a mannequin? How did she know that there were other mannequins behind the hidden door?
PACE:
For some reason, I can't put my finger on it at the moment, the piece reads with a choppy pace rather than a panic first of all to find a dress before the curtain - second of all in the knife of the mime.
PUNCTUATION / SPELLING / GRAMMAR:
"traditional pink tutus lined in front" Did you mean to include the word "up" before the word "in"?
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like the story line, but I think it would work better as a longer story with some of the ideas more clearly developed.
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of the Wild Card Review. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Overall Impression: This is a new piece for you (I noticed the dates: Feb 11 and 12). It is a portfolio piece that I would like to return to and read more of. I know what you mean when you talk about not fitting in, as I didn't and neither did my boys. (The oldest writes poetry and sang with a boys choir, while the youngest just didn't seem to fit anywhere.) Anyway, enough about me. You should always be who you are and trying to fit in to a group because you think you should is a wasted energy. (Sorry, I think I am getting preachy.) I'm glad however that you feel you belong to this group. I like your writing and I will be looking into your "evil twin's" port.
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of the Wild Card Review. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Overall Impression: You have created an awesome tribute to your dear friend. Do you just talk out ideas or have you actually written a story (or more) together?
What I liked most: You point out both foibles as well as strong points. I also like the emoticons that you have added.
Typos & Corrections: This is such an individual format, but I have only one place that I question "Never mind the little girl “coot” exterior" - should coot be cool?
Suggestions: I wonder if a picture of "Adriana" would be appropriate at the top of this tribute, or a picture of the two of you?
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Picture: This is an awesome picture.
Flow & Format: Your poem is simple yet extremely powerful.
Emotion & Imagery: I can just see the aspects of nature that are only visible at the right time of day or in the right conditions. I have these kinds of webs in my gardens.
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Flow & Format:You did an awesome job on this form. As a teacher, I enjoyed your subject matter. After a rough couple of weeks this gives motivation to my teaching.
Emotion & Imagery: I especially like the questions running through your mind as the day / year begins.
Typos & Suggestions: none
Overall: Wow! Can I be your student teacher? I've really lost (especially this year) the concept that the journey should be a positive one.
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Title & Description: I like the title and the way the word "him" changes focus as you move from stanza to stanza.
Flow & Format: You worked well with this contest form. Kudos
Emotion & Imagery: You have created clear images of four "men" in your life and I can almost see each one.
Typos & Suggestions: NONE
Overall: And to think, this was written in less than 24 hours for the contest. Fabulous
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Overall Impression: Intriguing concept. I was not ready for the boy to kill his aunt. Great twist.
What I liked most: I liked several things: the boy allowed to see his aunt, the boy overpowering the inept nurse, and the fact that the aunt was "in his head."
Typos & Corrections:
I did find some typos and missing punctuation:
"On the trip back the small Cessna" comma after back - introductory prepositional phrase
"his aunt in the hospital" should have "was" after the word "aunt"
"aunts’ house and one of his foster parents" comma after "house"
"Hearing the click of the lock the caregiver" comma after "lock"
Suggestions: None
In conclusion...
Thanks for sharing this piece on WDC.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Title & Description: No title given - I think a title would actually have distracted from the tone of this poem.
Flow & Format: The format and flow of this poem help the reader feel the mother's frustration, as does the repetition of the last line.
Emotion & Imagery: You create a very vivid picture of this lady: worry, pain, need for love.
Typos & Suggestions: none I saw
Overall: As I finished this poem I had to pause and reflect on how many points you presented in this poem and how many I had gone through, but how many I had escaped. You have made me grateful for what I have.
I will be reviewing your piece today as a part of Snowball Tag. My intention in reviewing is to offer you encouragement and positive feedback. Any notes I have written are only intended to help you grow and improve as a writer. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it! If you have any comments about my review, please email me.
Overall: This is a wonderful limerick. You caused a smile and chuckle to overtake me.
As I read this poem, I pictured my two boys when they were small; however, I didn't have any plugs for my ears.
I like the repetition in this poem because it lends to the general rhythm a child might create when he play a toy drum.
You create a delightful picture of a young child with a drum whose parents allow him full freedom to bang at his hearts content because they have taken personal measures to preserve their sanity.
Caressa
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/caressa
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:35am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Overall Impression: This is a new piece for you (I noticed the dates: Feb 11 and 12). It is a portfolio piece that I would like to return to and read more of. I know what you mean when you talk about not fitting in, as I didn't and neither did my boys. (The oldest writes poetry and sang with a boys choir, while the youngest just didn't seem to fit anywhere.) Anyway, enough about me. You should always be who you are and trying to fit in to a group because you think you should is a wasted energy. (Sorry, I think I am getting preachy.) I'm glad however that you feel you belong to this group. I like your writing and I will be looking into your "evil twin's" port.
What I liked most: You point out both foibles as well as strong points. I also like the emoticons that you have added.
Typos & Corrections: This is such an individual format, but I have only one place that I question "Never mind the little girl “coot” exterior" - should coot be cool?
Suggestions: I wonder if a picture of "Adriana" would be appropriate at the top of this tribute, or a picture of the two of you?
Flow & Format: Your poem is simple yet extremely powerful.