Thank you for your entry in the Anzac Spirit contest.
Anzac poems are typically reverent and declarative, and your poem is not; it is quite dark, with no celebration. I like the bleak tone of the poem and its juxtapositioning of plain and emotive language, with a slight tendence towards melodrama in places. The voice of this piece is credible and consistent. I like the final couplet with its biting comment on casualties of war. Well done.
That's an excellent resource Viv, I knew of some, but not all of those sites, and have already clicked on some of the links in order to explore a little!
Thanks for sharing this collection of online poetry sources!
A nice musing on the sometimes elusive nature of our dreams. I like the image of dreams which 'hurry to be seen' before an awakening 'banishes' them, as if the dreams are separate entities. I also like the way you compare those slip-away pre-awakening dreams to stars.
Edit point: you say 'Much like the stars' and then later in the stanza, continue with 'reach out and touch it' -- 'stars' is plural, so you need to put 'reach out and touch them'.
I particularly like your final line, it's like a punchline, adding a lot of impact to the poem overall.
Nice work, and write on!
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I have yet to read a perfect poem -- but while this one isn't *perfect*, whatever that means, it interests me very much; I enjoyed reading this. In this poem the voice sounds archaic with a hint of irony; I don't know if this was intentional or not, but that's neither here nor there, it enhanced MY enjoyment of the poem. I like your diction and your form here; this sounds great when it's read aloud, rhythmic and clever. There's the odd irregularity to the metre, but this adds to the strength of the poem.
Great work, I enjoyed this a lot, and have no suggestions as to how you might better this, other than to maybe add another stanza?
Good work, I like your description of feeling in this piece, it's emotive and confessional. I think that a lot of us have an inner demon, sometimes . . .
I saw nothing that needed any editing attention per se: your spelling and grammar all seem fine. My only criticism would be to watch out for cliche, like Forever I'll hold you in my heart . . . there might be a more original or striking way to express the same thing?
Also, in line one, you say that you 'lost all feeling', but in line two, you write about 'pain so bad' -- if you had lost all feeling, you wouldn't be aware of that pain! I didn't actually notice that until my second reading, because I know what you mean. The contradiction is still there, however, and I think it needs attention.
This is a poem that sounds most sincere and I think that lots of others would be able to 'relate' to it. It must have been cathartic to write!
That was pretty hilarious but it doesn't answer my question: how does an egg-shaped creature get onto a wall in the first place? lol
This is just the right length for the type of story it is; it's a great 'fractured fairy tale' and I smile to think of HD now out of rehab and selling accident insurance . . .
Couple of little edit points:
I had fallen off the wall and broke my shell in several places.
I think you need to be consistent here and use the past perfect form in both parts of the sentence: = I had fallen off the wall and broken my shell . . .
all the kings horses and all the kings men
You need some apostrophes of possession here: king's horses, king's men.
I was most distressed to read the fate of Little Boy Blue . . .
Beautiful diction, layout and line breaks here. I like the suggestion at the end of burning the letters, in either a literal or a metaphorical sense, but not taking back the actual words within the letters. You manage to convey strong feeling without insisting on it. I like this poem very much.
A very intense poem, for its brevity and simplicity. This is full of longing, yearning, conveyed in your poem without clutter. It's basically a single sentence, phrased in a way that gives a sense of urgency to the rather gentle vocabulary you've used, with your descriptions of a caress, the rain, a blessed road. The presence of the *other*, the beloved, is strong simply through the opening and closing lines. Lovely work.
What a nice poem! I really like your approach to acrostic here, using the first letter of each stanza instead of each line. The acrostic reads as a person's name but the poem itself is not directly about this person, which is interesting; this can be read as metaphor, and / or as a memory regarding this person but only dealing with setting and atmosphere, the human presence taken out.
Nice rhyme scheme, too, with the ABCA pattern. I really enjoyed this poem, it's soothing to read, atmospheric and well written.
A very interesting form, this Winkazelle! The eight beats to the line make for a galloping rhythm which demands to be read aloud - which I did!
There is a lot of delightful use of language in this poem; everywhere I look, I see assonance, alliteration, metaphor --- such richness! Not to mention your broad vocabulary; you always find the most apt word for every occasion. A poem to be read, and reread.
I will try this form, one day; thanks for inventing it, Winklett, and bravo!
Oh, beautiful, from that irresistable opening statement where you declare that you invented the moon, to the more gruff, wry and human dismissal at the end. I love your discourse on your methods of moon-making; very visual, sensual. The goddess's hesitations are delightful, and it's most effective, the lines of her more direct speech, or thoughts, being in italics.
A most original take on the theme of invention, too!
I love this . . .
Warm regards
Cappucine
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I appreciate your ability to laugh at yourself here, in your ability to spill things; I enjoyed this *confessional* piece very much! Your use of conversational tone is most appealing.
Here's the weeny nitpick: I saw a couple of places where a comma wouldn't go astray, namely, after 'What hilarity', 'What a hoot' and 'What glee', about halfway through the piece. You might, however, want to leave those sentences comma-free to continue that sense of ironic detachment, and the idea of ongoing-ness. It's your piece, after all!
I am a bit of a spiller, too, incidently.
Thanks for a very amusing, charming read!
Ah, a satisfyingly happy ending, nice one Amy! This is a well told story, most enjoyable to read, as well as being a tale that a lot of us would be able to relate to. Your pacing is just about perfect, and I love the way you build the tension up while your character, Jodi, prepares for her first day of work. I was laughing in spite of myself at her *disaster*, remembering similar incidents that have happened to me. The ending of the story is most satisfying; one feels a sense of vindication for your heroine!
What's more, I saw no errors at all in this piece. Kudos to you.
Wow. AGAIN WOW. That is a really striking poem, from opening to closure. 'The gutter is my altar'.....lots of reverberations in this piece, atmosphere, pathos.....wonderful.
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but while this one isn't *perfect*, whatever that means, it interests me very much; I enjoyed reading this. In this poem the voice sounds archaic with a hint of irony; I don't know if this was intentional or not, but that's neither here nor there, it enhanced MY enjoyment of the poem. I like your diction and your form here; this sounds great when it's read aloud, rhythmic and clever. There's the odd irregularity to the metre, but this adds to the strength of the poem.