This story had very powerful moments, a unique twist, and was filled with a variety of emotions...pain, guilt, confusion. After reading your story, I noticed the following:
Scene: You do an amazing job in the beginning of the story of bringing the emergency room to life/death. The imagery you use here...cold, bloody, etc. are all effective ways to convey the scene and put the reader their with your narrator. I could feel the panic, the denial, the desperation of your narrator.
Characters: We experience this story through Julliana, who is developed brilliantly. We feel her pain, her love, her sadness, all of her emotions throughout the story. We have a vague picture of the men she encounters throughout the story, but the vague picture suffices.
Plot: I like the way the story bounces from different aspects of a story that covers a long period of time. It is like getting a glimpse of different points of Julliana's life. I love how the healing box is introduced, it makes a great twist to a tale of tragedy.
Suggestions: The first scene, with the husbands death and her trip to the hospital was great! You were able to grab my attention immediately. As the story went on it began to feel rushed. I was left wanting for more detail in each of the other scenes. I would like to see you slow down on the rest of the story and get back in touch with Julliana's emotions/her state of mind as all these new events in her life are introduced. The strength of this story is your ability to make the reader feel what she is feeling. If you slow down on the other scenes I think you will be able to do this throughout the story.
I enjoyed reading this, thanks for posting!
Daniel
This is a touching story and I absolutely loved the parallels between William and Jesus. In reading your story I observed the following:
Scene: The development of a setting I don't think was very important for this particular story. What drives the story is William himself and his amazing character and strength. We do get a great picture of life on the farm, mostly in the form of abuse and despair. Personally, as a reader I enjoy sounds, smells, and vivid descriptions. I'd like to know what the farm smelled like, what the wood shed was like, the texture of his scars ect. I think subtleties such as these could add to your story.
Characters: William is developed brilliantly and his supporting cast are developed fully enough to serve their purpose on William's journey. I was able to form my own picture of the characters both physically and their personalities.
Plot: As far as the plot, your pace was outstanding. It wasn't rushed and I wasn't force fed information. Everything flowed well and you gave us a great introduction into what could be come a much longer work of fiction.
Suggestions: The one area I thought could use some improvement is the over use of cliche and common descriptions. ie: "When his eyes met yours it would almost appear as if he were looking into your very soul.", " bright and warm fire on a cold winter’s night" "single tear coursed down his cheek and then dropped silently to the floor." Also, I would have liked to get to know Williams parents before and know which deathly illness they died of.
I really enjoyed your story and I wish you luck with your current/future projects.
Daniel
Great concept! One of my personal best childhood memories is christmas season. It seems now, the edge has been taken off that. You writing about christmas were able to visually show me my own childhood and create images for me (the reader) to appreciate. You created nostalgia, good job!
I would suggest more detail. Maybe tidbits of your own christmas memories, or appeal to the senses...how does christmas smell, what were you eating, how excited were you etc. You have a good start here...i suggest revise revise revise
You do a very good job here with sarcasm and creating a character that is out of touch with technology. Your dialogue is brilliant! The whole opposite's attract thing is prominent at the beginning of the story and hold true throughout. My only question is...is this character believable? It seems to me that any 25 year old in 2009 would be at least familiar with facebook, twitter, etc...
I love your character, he's charming in an innocent way...but, i'm convinced he is valid. I would suggest making him a little less naive and find a way to keep him in essence as he is.
Daniel
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