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79 Public Reviews Given
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Public Reviews
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Review of Always Autumn  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was such a beautifully written piece! Im not sure why, but it honestly brought me to tears. It made me think of my gramma and how much I love her and miss her and when I think of her.

I love the sentimentality that it had, especially the part about the sweater. I can just picture a cheery chap wearing it.

Your piece is something out of a dream to me really. Its immaculately written, vibrant details, and powerful emotions throughout.

I cant give it anything less than a 5 star rating!
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
GOOD MORNING!

First off, let me say it was a pleasure to read your piece this morning. I always like to read a new author and give feedback when I am able to.

I don’t know how other people like to give their reviews, but I like to start mine off with going through each section, telling what I appreciated the most about it and what I thought could use improvement (if any) and then give an overall “score” at the end.


It started with a phone call.
I love the immediate suspense that you added. The short, matter of fact tone was great!

I still can't really believe it, standing here listening to the message on my answering machine. Repeating it over and over. And over. "Hello Ru… I'm… sorry I missed you. I'll call you tonight. Uhh… it's Myra". Funny that I didn't need to be told, that I still remembered your voice so well. God, it's been a long, long time. And feels even longer too.
Right away, from the way youre writing, we can see that this is a memory, a reverie. I like that you set the scene from that first paragraph (or at least, a piece of the scene). My only concern with this section is the order of some of the words. ‘still cant really’ just seems either a little wordy or strained. It seems a little hard for the flow of normal speech.

I remember the last time I heard from you.
Again, it’s the matter of fact tone that I like. You are, once again, setting up the suspense.

A tearful goodbye for both of us, though I like to fool myself that you didn't hear it in my voice. We'd become way too close over the previous few months. All-encompassing, our passion for each other had taken over both of our lives. Constant contact, via phone, Skype, email, instant messenger. We couldn't get enough of each other. Late nights talking via Skype, you speaking discreetly in hushed tones, me staying up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day, my performance falling way below what I'm capable of, and for the first time in my working life, not caring.
The way that you list off the communication, like a brief yet concise list, was a good way to go! I really appreciated the use of “all-encompassing”, I think it fit wonderfully in that section! I would consider the fact, though, that you are using a lot of fragments in this section. Too many fragments can take away from the flow of reading.

It came suddenly but it was inevitable. You had been getting a hard time at home about your time spent online and I had finally been placed on a "performance improvement plan" at work, my boss' patience finally giving out.
The last section of the last sentence was very nicely written! You might want to consider rewording the beginning of the second sentence. Again, the order of words seems a little, well, out of place. Something to the effect of “You were getting a hard time…..” might be better. Had been getting doesn’t seem grammatically correct.

I came home that day in a blind fury, stamping across the car park like an enraged bull and into the building, slamming each door behind me. Storming into the apartment, locking my door behind me, flinging my keys at the wall with a scream of rage. I pulled my phone from my pocket, noticing for the first time that I had missed a text message from you. Fingers flying across the touch screen with barely a thought, the phone as my primary link to you having become almost an extension of myself these past few months: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time". A terse message even for you from whom I was used to receiving very brief texts. A quick glance at the clock confirmed I had 20 minutes till you called, but there was no way in hell I could speak to you in this mood, I had to calm down.
I had to read this section several times before I caught the gist of what you meant. From the way that you worded it, it seemed as though YOU were texting HER (fingers flying across the screen…it makes it appear as though you are the texter).

Stripping off as I crossed the apartment, I grabbed my portable house phone on my way to the shower in case I wasn't ready by the time you called. Standing under the shower, the high pressure hot water pounding me, I closed my eyes and thought of you, feeling the tension and anger slowly draining from me as if it were being washed away, down the drain with the waste water. I lost track of time and before I knew it the phone rang, shrill in the quiet apartment. I banged my elbow painfully against the shower door while stepping out and reaching for my phone, muttering darkly under my breath. Bringing the phone to my wet ear, I answered "Hello?".
Great setting of the scene. I liked the impression of the tension and anger washing away with the waste water.

Your voice came down the line to me "Ru!" as though you'd been waiting forever to speak to me, bringing a smile to my face. "Sweetheart," I answered "is everything okay?". Holding my breath while I awaited your answer, fearing I knew not what, but concerned nonetheless. The line wasn't good, you were probably calling me via Skype as usual but it was good enough for me to hear you crying quietly. A surge of adrenaline rushed through me as thoughts of disaster raced through my mind.
I love that I can picture the look on your characters face through this moment. My only suggestion on this paragraph is that after the question mark, you don’t need the additional period as the question mark signified the end of the sentence.

"Myra? Baby, please talk to me. What's wrong?" I began to panic at this stage, fear fuelled by a strangled sob escaping from you.
The “strangled sob” was brilliant! I love the use of wording!

"Ru… it's over… we need to stop now…" I gasped in surprise, sheer shock. Stock still, unable to move or think for what seemed like an eternity.
The second sentence seems overly redundant and rather wordy, while at the same time, being a little out of order for the wording chosen. I think a re-write of that sentence, or possible full removal, would be best.

"Ru… I'm sorry, we can't… ". You burst into tears and I instinctively tried to comfort you, no thoughts really penetrating my shock yet.
I like that you showed more about the traits of the character when you say he instinctively tried to comfort. I think that you should combine this section with the previous one. You don’t need to make a separate paragraph for every line when the same person speaks.

"It'll be okay love, it'll be okay… don't worry. I love you, you just cry if you need to, I'm right here".
I think that you need to use more complete sentences instead of fragments strung together. It seems a little wordy to use too many fragments instead of a complete sentence. Also, since you are calling the character Love, as though in a name, you need to capitalize it.

It was like flipping a switch, your crying stopped and you almost screamed at me "No, Ru! Not this time, it's over. It's fucking over!"
You need a comma after the word ME because you are then moving into a speaking part of the sentence.

My paralysed brain snapped back to reality, your words sinking through the confusion, the fear for you. A wave of terror swept over me, like I'd never felt in my life, there was no way I could lose you, no way I could let you go, not you, not my angel!
Im a little confused with part of the first sentence. “The fear for you”…what does this mean? It does not seem like it belongs in this sentence. Also the correct spelling is PARALYZED.

"No Myra, no! Whatever it is we'll fix it, we've done it before, we've been through so much", tears pouring down my face, barely seeing myself in the bathroom mirror I faced, shock and panic etched in my face. Almost as suddenly, you returned to outward calmness, though I knew you must have been hurting so badly inside.
I enjoy the fluctuating of her emotions. Again, without saying it, you are using the flipping the switch metaphor.

"No, Ru. It's over, there's too much at risk now. I don't want to, but it's over. I need to go now."
After “Its over” I think that “There’s” should start a new sentence. You have already stated a full sentence and a complete statement, so starting a new sentence would make it look grammatically correct.

I knew then that nothing I could say or do would change your decision, and the reason for it didn't matter. I stood, shaking like a leaf, frustration and grief competing for control and I won the battle with myself to remain calm, though how I did it, I'll never, ever know.
Personally, I am not too particularly fond of cliché phrases such as “shaking like a leaf”. It works, but do try to stay away from too many cliché terms and phrases as it does take away from the over all feeling of the section.

"I love you Myra. You've always been the one for me, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Please don't do this…" my voice trailed off as I realised how futile my pleading with you was.
My only comment on this section is that the correct spelling is REALIZED.

"I have to, Ru." I could hear the emotion, you were on the edge of breaking down again. "I love you too, but we can't do this anymore. Goodbye Ru." Your voice, your soft, sweet voice cracked on my name, and the last thing I heard was the click as you put down the phone before I passed out.
This section, though clearly written, seems to be a little off. In the previous sections you mention how you won the battle to stay calm. However, passing out does not seem like a calm reaction. I think a possible reword might be better for this section.

I took two weeks off work, unable to face anyone. I returned in the end, quieter, broken, with no lust for life, my happiness burned out of me by the loss of you. I buried myself deep in my work, 16 hour days the norm, always busy, the consummate over-achiever, anything to avoid thinking of you, grief digging its claws painfully into my heart when in a moment of weakness my thoughts drifted to you.
I love the way that you show the brokenness in words. You actually make the reader sympathize with the feeling. My only suggestion is to change it from 16 to sixteen (remember the note about the rule of thumb above.)

I survived. That's really the best way to put it, I survived. Nobody would have called it living. I got by, and eventually I learned to let people back into my life. Friends, family. An occasional fling, nothing that lasted. I learned to accept the good things that came my way, but never get too emotionally invested in anything.
My only suggestion is to change the period after family to a comma and keep the full fragment. In this instance, the fragment works!

It's been almost 10 years since that day and I never forgot you or what you mean to me.
Again, remember the rule of thumb about numbers. Change the 10 to ten.

Suddenly, out of the blue, your phone call.
This seems that the words are a little hard for flow. I think something to the effect of “Suddenly, out of the blue, I got your phone call.” would be better.

I'm shaking now, the old feelings flooding back. It seems like yesterday you whispered your love for me over Skype, that night when you couldn't bear to go offline and we stayed up all night together. I pull the nearest chair to me and sit down shakily. Sitting, head in hands… I've thought of you coming back into my life so many times, but now I'm not sure, I'm afraid of not being able to handle hearing that you're back just to be friends. I can't bring myself to believe it will be more than that though. You'd never agreed even to meet me for a coffee regardless of how close we had become, so why should that change now?
Im not sure I understand why you have the ellipses after head in hands. You might need to rethink that part. I love the emotional struggle that he is going through in this section. Powerful stuff!

A thought occurred to me and I groaned aloud "Tonight?! You'll call back tonight? That could be any time in the next 12 hours!" Exaggerating as I usually do when I'm impatient or stressed, but still that possible few hours seems like a lifetime, stretching out ahead of me. God, I'm freaking out, my heart is pounding in my chest and I need to calm down. I don't dare have a drink though, there was a time when that didn't end so well, another emotionally charged conversation. I sigh and get up, crossing the room to the couch and collapsing into it. Closing my eyes feeling suddenly incredibly tired, my thoughts drifting… Myra, my Myra…
I had to go back and look at the last few sections again before continuing. ‘Tonight? Youll call back tonight?” Where did this come from? You don’t mention that you listened to a message, you just mention that you got one. You don’t give any details, so this just seems misplaced and hanging in the paragraph. You should mention, or even put in, the message before putting in this section.

Dreaming, dreaming of you, of the times we spent with each other; you singing to me that one time, bringing tears of happiness to my eyes, the first time you told me you loved me and my shock and joy at the words leaving me speechless for so long you thought I had gone offline, your reaction to that first piece of writing I sent you, your praise for that which meant so much and that I never forgot, the memories coming thick and fast, so many good times. I slept and dreamed for - well I don't know how long really, the rest of that night was a blur to me. Waking up with a start as the phone's digital ringer trilled, I leaped across the room to grab the handset from the charger, pushing the green answer button which glowed in the dark like a beacon.
This entire paragraph was a very, very long run-on sentence and it was hard to read. When people read sentences in their head, just like orally, they take a pause before the next one. This one was very long and winding and hard to keep up with. Try using some punctuation to break up the intense length of this section.

"Hello?" My usual brisk, businesslike bark fails me, my voice coming in a husky whisper only partly due to having just woken. Silence on the line, nothing but the low static hiss of an open line. I cough, clearing my throat and try again, "hello?" My heart beating, pulsing in my chest with the force of a pounding hammer. The sound of a deep breath being taken and your voice comes across the line at me for the first time in almost 10 full years, "Hello Ru". Oh my God, that voice. Soft and sweet, as beautiful as I've always remembered it, all the memories come surging back, washing over me like a wave. I stand frozen for a moment, opening my mouth but totally, completely unable to speak. “Ru?” your voice comes at me again breaking the spell and I manage to clear my throat and speak “Myra? It's really you? Are you okay? Is everything alright?”
Again, just change 10 to ten.

A pause on the line, and then your voice comes back to me across the wires, across the miles of land and ocean that separate us, "I don't know … is it?" You sigh softly, and continue. "How are you, Ru? How have you been?" I hear a chair creak as you move or maybe sit down and the sound of the phone moving against your cheek. I'm still in a daze, still not really believing this is happening after all this time. "I'm okay," I answer, taking a deep breath. "Missing you… still." I can hear you breathing on the phone line, hear the unevenness of your breaths, you're either nervous or emotional, maybe both, and it tears at my heart. I take pity on you, on both of us, and try to break through the uncomfortable, slow, "niceness" that is getting us nowhere. "I still love you, if that's what you're wondering about. I still think about you, dream about you, want you in my life. I'm not angry with you and I don't blame you for anything. And… well… I still don't think we could be just friends, so I really, really hope that's not why you're calling. It isn't, right?"
I love all the pussy-footing that the characters are doing! Its cute!

Silence.
Suspense!!!

Nothing on the other end of the line at all for a what seems like forever but can't really have been more than 20 seconds, and then I hear something, hear you… what? Crying? I'm about to speak again, about to ask if you're okay when I suddenly realise you're laughing hysterically. "Oh my God, Ru!" you finally gasp. "Ten years! Ten years and you didn't change at all!" I'm laughing now too, all the self-consciousness falling away and suddenly it's like we'd only spoken yesterday. I fall sideways on the couch, your laughter fuelling my own, laughing hard and unable to stop, starting each other off again when we try to calm down.
Again, write out numbers less than 100. And, correct REALISE to REALIZE.

Finally, we both manage to stop laughing, breathing hard for a few minutes. We talk for 5 hours, laughing, reminiscing, talking about our lives and all that has happened in the last 10 years. You call me stubborn for clinging to my belief that we would be together one day, but I know it makes you smile, I can hear it in your voice. It gets late, after 2am your time, and we agree to sleep and talk again tomorrow. I tell you I love you, and we say goodnight, both smiling, both happy.
I enjoy that both characters seem to be so happy again, even in just talking and regaling each other with stories of time gone by. My suggestion here is to change the 5 to FIVE. A rule of thumb I was taught that anything under 100 gets typed out (except for a time of day, in which case, you write out the full time, such as 2:00 am instead of 2am).

I can't sleep. I don't really want to anyway, I want to lie awake and enjoy, luxuriate in the feeling that my life has become so much better again, from a single call, from having you back in my life. I roll over in bed, pulling the spare pillow against me and closing my eyes, imagining I'm holding you in my arms. I picture you, like I have a million times, murmuring to you, telling you I love you and holding you close. I don't know how much later it is when I finally start to drift off to sleep, happier and more contented than I have been in years.
My only suggestion for this section would be to change CONTENTED to CONTENT. You are speaking in a present tense, whereas using ED at the end of words is a past tense.

I'm on the edge of sleep when unexpectedly the phone rings loudly in the darkness. I snatch it up and hold it to my ear. "Hello?" I mutter sleepily. "Ru," you say "I couldn't sleep… and I was thinking." I swing my lags over the edge of the bed and sit up. "Okay?" I say, wondering what it is that has made you call me back so late. In the past you've hesitated to wake me, even when I claimed to want you to.
You need to make this into two separate paragraphs as you have two different people speaking. Remember, whenever someone new speaks, you need a new paragraph.

"Ru… I want to meet you."
I love the finality in this last sentence, the straightforward no nonsense way she puts it!



Overall, I really liked the piece. You could feel the main characters longing over all the years, but yet trying to keep his life together without her. There was a lot of wonderful emotion going on in this piece. The battle of love and ethics and morals was wonderfully shown!

Clarity of Plot: 4.0 out of 5.0
Overall Conciseness: 4.0 out of 5.0
Character Development: 3.0 out of 5.0
Grammar and Spelling: 4.0 out of 5.0
Ease of Reading: 3.5 out of 5.0


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Judity:

Such a sadpiece to read. Many people might sa it is crazy to care so much aout a tree when there are thousands of them out there,but we each hold somethig dear to our hearts tht others mght not understand or think is strange. I think you wrote a very touching piece abuot Spock, (and what a cute name!). I love thetrbute that you gave to him as well, with the branch on the porch (and let the lawn guy grumble!)

It was a very emotionally writen piece an I loved reading it! Thank you, one again my dear Juity, for writing and sharing.Im glad that you allowed me to see this piece. It is unfortunatethat your tree has passed on, but at lesat you are still making his memory live on, both on your porch (quite literally) and on paper (er...the WDC screen lol).

Keep them coming!
Chevy D.
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In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Judity:

Well dear, as always, you have not dissappointed me wth this piece! What a wonderfully written story! Is it based on a true story? It certainly sounds like it is. If so, I hope that you might be able to find him again tolet him know your thoughts and how much you lookd up to him!

Is that a real picture of the actual library (pf course assumingthat this is real stry!)? I loved that personal touch of imagery added! I feel that it really tied me down a little more to the story. I loved the cute little tory baout your lipming on the curb to mimic him, like youre lookingup to him and kinda want to b like him!

You always amaze me with your pieces and this is still one of them! Thank you for being a great writing inspiration, especially with piece like this that really touch the herat and soul!

Keep writing, Judity, and God Bless
Chevy D.
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In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Radio Shea:

Please accept my humble review of your script. My words are only my opinion, not meant to hurt or harm. Pleae take from it anything that you can and pleae disregad the rest.

Overall Impression: 4.5 Stars

The plot was fantastic, as were the characters! You mingled so many emotions into this piece such as friendship, anger, sadness, hope, love, all of the big ones! Your characters, all were well developed and grew, both with one another and within themselves. I havce to say that I personally feel that the homeless gent really helped Stan find himself a little more, which honestly was my favorite scene in reading!

Best Point:

The scenes between Stan and the homeless man. I especially loved at the end of ne particular scene where you said that the man made Stan feel uneasy, which is one of the revelations ofr him I think in this entire story. I feel that it was oneof the biggest points for him realizing what was going on around him and seeing that there was a lot more behind th cenes both in the world around him and within himself.

Improvement Factor:

I dont really havec much to say in the way of improving the overall piece with content. However, I fell that you might want want to make this into a book item, with each scene as a new "chapter" since one HUGE long piece like this could really be a turn off to sme redaers. I know that I did have to stop seeral times and when I came back had lost my spot and had to search through the script tof my place again. I think the idea of a book format would help make this easier for people to find their place, but that is just a minor suggestion.

Characters:

Personally, the two best characters for me were Stan and the homeless man, because I feel that one of the biggestt revelations for stan was his encounter with him. The emotional feeling of Stan being uneasy with his look was a key point in the reading for me.


Good luck ith all your endeavours for this piece! I hope everthing will work for you! This is a geat piece and I certainly will pass the word!

Chevy D.
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Review of Freedom  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Stephen:

Please accept my humble review of your poem. My words are only my opinion. Please take from it what you can and please disregard what is unuseful to you.

Overall Impression: 4.5 Stars

This is a great piece about losing time, which sadly, most of us dont realize how fast it really goes and we cant get it back again, even if we look with what ime is left of our lives.

Best Point:

Youre touching on a subject that so many, young and old, can relate to. WHen I stop to think of how fast time has gone since I as sixteen to twenty two, I cont imagine how fast it all moved and what was done in that time. I cant imagin twenty more years how I will feel then!

I really cant find anyplace where I think you ned some improvement. I love it the way it is!

God Bless nd Keep Writing~

Chevy D.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Mark:

Please accept my review of your song lyrics. My words are only my opinion, not meant to hurt or harm. Please take from it anything that you can, and disregard the rest!

Overall Impression: 4.5 Stars

This was a wonderful tribute to you wife! It was romantic, loving, honest, adoring, and most of all, from the heart! You definately love her, and the words given here show that! Its a great romantic piece!

Grammer and Spelling: 3.5 Stars

I noticed a couple areas that could use a little improvement. Please find them outlned below for you:
Line One: daddy's (youre using possession here, so you need the apostrope version)
Line Three: after friend you need comma, since youre pausing in the sentence
Line Five: I think it would sound better as and an auntie(it will then hae the same syllables as the second half)
Line Six: after younger, you need a space (it doenst look like there is one there)
Line Seven: should be we're (we and are...were means the past)
Line Fourteen: after forever, you need a space
Line Eighteen: afterchildren you need a comma, and I think it shuld be growin'

Imagery: 4.5 Stars

You are very descriptive in telling who she really is, both to you and to the world! Totally loved it!


Overall, I would give you a 4.0 stars for your poem. It is a fantastic piece, but could ue a little grammer work. Other than that, PERFECT!

God Bless, Keep Writing, ad Welcome to WDC!
Chevy D.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear RAOK:

On behalf of new user glo-stick please accept this donation for the group! The donation comes from a Cnote that was purchased for Glo and they wanted their charity to be you!

God Bless and keep up the wonderful works you are doing!

Chevy D. and Glo
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In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Brian Parvum:

First off, let me say Welcome to WDC! I hope that you are enjoying your stay here, and hope that you are getting in on the festivities! WDC is celebrating their tenth year!

On behalf of The Crusaders
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I would like to take this time to review your work. Please note that all reviews are meant to be helpful, not harmful. Please take from it what you can and please accept my humble review.


Overall Im pression:

This was quite a good piece! It was defiantely a great idea, and there was a lot to interpret.


The Good:

*Star* It shows that you put some thought into this piece to make other readers think as well!
*Star* You appear to have attempted a haiku, which can be quite hard for beginners!
*Star* I like that the title makes you think, as well as the piece itself, and they blend wonderfully.


The Bad:

- *Star* If this is supposed tobe in haiku formating, which I think it is, the stanzas are off. Line 1 should be five syllables, Line 2 should be seven, and Line 3 should be five.

- *Star* I think that capitalization would really help this piece along, and maybe even some colour.


God Bless and Keep writing!
Chevy D,.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Percy Goodfellow:

On behalf of The Crusaders
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I would like to take this time to review your work. Please note that all reviews are meant to be helpful, not harmful. Please take from it what you can and please accept my humble review.


Overall Impression:

This was a great take on this weeks prompt. What really made me stay with the piece was the mention of being a hot rod resorer (since this is what I do as a part time job myself!). Im glad that I was able to relate to the piece, even if in a small way. I think that you wrote with class, style, and grat vibrancy!


The Good:
*Star* The sheer fact that I was able to relate to this piece, made it that much better to me than just any old every day piece!
*Star* I like the complement of the characters, his apparent shyness and her bold assertion. Great contrast!
*Star* I think the bedroom scene was quite tasteful. I dont usually go for pieces that use vulgar language to get the point across, since to me it takes away from the overall effect.
*Star* It appears that you wrote this from the heart. This doesnt look rushed, but was given thought, and even I can appreciate the time you put into it!

The Bad:
- *Halfstar* I think that you spent just a little too much time getting to the overall scene. I think some things could have been shortened a little, but this is only my opinion.

- *Halfstar* Because this was a picture prompt, I was obviously able to visualize Beth, but what about Frank? You dont say anything about his features, and I think just a little description of him would have been nice.


Keep writing and God Bless!
Chevy D.
11
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Review of Do You Want...  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear J.A. Viz:

First off, let me say Welcome to WDC! I hope that you are enjoying your stay here, and hope that you are getting in on the festivities! WDC is celebrating their tenth year!

On behalf of The Crusaders
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I would like to take this time to review your work. Please note that all reviews are meant to be helpful, not harmful. Please take from it what you can and please accept my humble review.


Overall Impression:

Where was this piece a year ago when I needed some inspiration to make my fiance realize a lot of things! This was absolutely fantastic! I was deinately blown way by the idea!


The Good:

*Star**Star* There was alot to be gained from the quesions that you asked. I think that they are questions in which everyone should ask of themselves and their partners. You ask vivid questions, that ask for specific answers, yet in a very emotional way.
*Star* The vibrant ideas were amazing! I wouldnt have thought of some of them, so thank you for dong it for me!
*Star* My favorite line was: Do you want to know that of all the women, you are the only one I see. Personally, this is something that I needed to know from my fiane for a while thanks to all my lousy exes making my self confidence worthless, so Im glad I was able to relate!

The Not So Good:

- *Star* I think that you could add a little colour to this piece to enhance the emotiions that you are conveying. And also, I think that the ~ looks a little tacky on its own. If you either added another at the end or removed this one entirely, it would look a little more eye appealing.


So on behalf of the Crsaders,

This is Chevy D. GodBless!
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Review of Strawberries  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Love of Earth:

First off, let me say Welcome to WDC! I hope that you are enjoying your stay here, and hope that you are getting in on the festivities! WDC is celebrating their tenth year!

On behalf of The Crusaders
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I would like to take this time to review your work. Please note that all reviews are meant to be helpful, not harmful. Please take from it what you can and please accept my humble review.


Overall Impression:

This was a great impression of how you learned to control anger. You did a wonderful job showing the steps of feelings towards that anger, and just how you are able to stop it within its own tracks.


The Good:

*Star* The imagery was quite powerful. I was impressed with the vibrant ideas!
*Star* I liked the fact that this seemed like a real piece, not fiction! (Which the Crusaders are all about Non Fiction!)
*Star* You used a lot of grat vocabulary in this poem. I especially liked the use of Precipice.

The Not So Good:

- *Star* You have several spelling mistakes (i.e.: far-head should be forehead...go back and proof read it)
- *Star* Personally, with a free verse like this one, you could use some spcing of the lines. For example, make some lines go left and some go right in all directions (You can learn all of that through the Writing ML help)


God Bless and Keep writing!

On behalf of the Crusaders,

This is Chevy D.
13
13
Review of Walls between us  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Jae:

I loved reading this piece! It wa packed with heartfelt emotions like hope, joy, longing, passion, love, belief, faith. There is a lot to absorb from this piece. Iloved reading it. Thank you for sharing!

Keep writing, God Bless, and Welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
14
14
Review of Her  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Kim:

This is a wonderful piece! I think that you showed a lot of emotion in this piece. There is longing, love, heartache, hope, memories. Its all there! I think that you wrote from the heart, and from your soul!

Keep writing, God Bless, and welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
15
15
Review of The Toast  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Ruth:

This is a really grat interpretation of letting go and saying goodbye to something that is long past! I loved the description (which was very powerful) and the brigt vocabulary (which was colourful and gave this piece some real spice!)

Thank you for the beautiful read!

God Bless and Keep Writing and Welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
16
16
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dera Badabing:

This is an interesting quote and can definately make a person think about what you mean and what it could mean for their own lives.

I do have a suggestion...change the font please. That is so hard to read! I dont think that I am the only one who would think that. Some of the letters are just illegible due to the font. Just a suggestion though.

God Bless, Keep Writing, and Welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
17
17
Review of Haiku- patience  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear John:

I was really impressed with the feelings that you showed in this piece. It was beautifully written, and I enjoyed it very much!

My only suggetion is that the first line is missing a syllable. Patience is two syllables dear. Other than that, EXCELLENT!

God Bless, Keep Writing, and Welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
18
18
Review of Grass Haiku  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Dear Mark Shark:

Overall, I liked the idea of this piece, but the formatting for a haiku is off.

Note that a Haiku poem is formatted as 5 syllables in the first line, seven in the second, and five in the third.

Your first only has 3, your second does have 7, and your third has 3.

Please go back and revamp it a little. I would love to read it again when you take osme time to redo it.

Keep writing and God Bless, welcome to WDC
Chevy D.
19
19
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Dear 7th Survivor:

Thank you for asking me to review this piece for you. Please note that my reviews are meant to be helpful, not hurtful. Take from it what you can and disregard the rest!

Please note: My corrections are in red.


(Im not sure what you mean by In hood...are you missing a few words here or? Please clarify it)In hood he walked down the sidewalk at a steady pace studying the buildings around him. Construction workers in neon orange vests tore up the street and laid down new concrete. People lined the streets with shopping bags dangling from their wrists and food falling from their mouths. (This is an incomplete sentence. I think by adding aword such as With before His would turn it into a complete thought, and also, is he really wearing more than one sweatshirt? Take off the extra S at the end of sweatshirts.)His hands in his sweatshirts front pockets, his head down, no one looked at him. (You use peope twice too closely together ihis sentence. I think that you could use another word.)There were too many people in Portland for people to give a shit about him. There was an exception to that however and that was when a mother pushing a stroller gave him a look of disgust and moved to the side. He would show them though that he was worth more than the group he was (Thrown, not threw)threw into(add a period .)

He pulled out a cellphone and dialed the number written in ink across the center of his palm.

“Code number 087698134,” he spoke into the microphone.

“Initializing, please state command”(Add a period)

“Initiate Red 070.” He hit end and tossed it in a trashcan on his left.

His gaze shifted to across the street where a woman smashed through the window of an Old Navy rolling at least three feet onto the side of the street with speckles of glass lining her back. She laid there for a second and then started to go into convulsions(add a comma at the end of the last part, since you need to take a breath, even when reading!) her head bouncing in the scattered glass leaving blood behind each time. It started to spill from her mouth as she began to cough and then she just stopped.

“What the hell are you people waiting for? Someone call a damn ambulance,” a women shouted(add a comma back there too) running to the dead woman. No one moved. The woman’s head begin to rise as she sat up. She turned her head forty-five degrees to the woman coming to help her and seized her leg and began to gnaw on it taking a chunk of flesh out.

“Holy sh---,” was all the woman managed before a bullet pierced her left eye leaving the socket empty and bits of skull in a puddle behind her. The lady on the ground started to pick herself up, but was right back on the ground with hole in her forehead. People started screaming running down the streets. Cars collided and the drivers immediately jumped out inhaling the smoke and followed the rest. Gun shots from down the street echoed off the windows of skyscrapers on each corner. He looked up to where the first bullets came that brought down the two women. A man looked over the edge saluting him with his aviators and gently placed them back on his face. He disappeared with the building’s height and once again Koen felt alone.

He zipped his jacket up further and ran to the office building the man was shooting from. Another gunshot sounded outside. When he looked back he could see a man’s body lying in the doorway facing him. He continued across the carpeted floor coming to the elevator. Jingles came through a little speaker and the door slid open. Three men were crouched over another body ripping out its stomach and without looking, smearing their bloody hands across the walls. One of them looked up. His face so unrecognizable not even a picture held up to it would show similarities. He maneuvered around the other two running at Koen(Who the heck is Koen?) with his hands outstretched. The man barely got a foot before a woman walked out of the stairwell with a gun out in front of her. She clicked the trigger once, slicing his jugular, again putting one through his mouth.

“Who the hell are you,(You need a ? here since this is a question.)” he asked panting.

“What? No thank you for saving me or hi how’s your day been,” the woman remarked flipping her hair into a ponytail.

“Sorry if that may have seemed impolite, but when a chick comes out of nowhere guns blazing and a guy covered in blood just tried to eat me, I think there possibly, might be, a problem, don’t you think?”

“Well you got a point there, but that’s still no reason to not ask me how my day’s been and by the way I’m doing just peachy.” She laughed light heartedly.

The dimples on the side of her mouth faded and her whole body seemed to prop up more, “Hold on a second. I have unfinished business.” A gun cocked and he heard the jingle again. Crack…Crack…Crack…three shots and three moan like screams that reeked of the innocence of the damned.

A uniformed body fell face first out of the elevator revealing a belt of tools around its waist. Koen eyed the pistol in its black leather holster and reached for it snatching it in his hand. Holding it close to his waist he walked back to the woman.

"Well, if you're not to busy you can join me," she said.

(There are fur questions here, so you need four ? marks at the end each thought.)"Just where exactly are you going, just exactly who the hell are you, just exactly what the fuck is going on, sorry if I sound upset?"

"As interesting as those questions are and as much as I'd like to answer them I'm on a schedule and I have to (I think ymean stick with it, right?)stick it. I've already spent too much time saving your ass. Now you can either stay with me and keep up or you can stay here and get your ass chewed out, literally."

She ran back through the stairwell door with him close behind. When they reached the thirteenth floor, instead of clearing another set of stairs she stopped at the exit door and knocked seven times. They waited and the door opened to the man in the aviators aiming at shotgun level with their heads. He didn't need to adjust considering the two were about the same height. She pulled the door shut behind them and the man backed up three steps. He slid a metal briefcase across the floor to the woman. Her fingers slid across the touch sensitive keys and the air-locked briefcased unsealed and opened to two sets of hand shaped plates with one side covered in needles.

(Youre asking a question, so you nee a ?)"What are they," he asked.

"B.A.P.U.'s ...Blood Analysis and Purifacation Units...very, very expensive units proven to be 87.7% accurate in making sure we don't have--it--I mean what's happening outside and what you saw downstairs. Any number over two on the counter and he'll,"she pointed to the man,"blow you away."

She picked one up and placed the hand shaped plate over her hand. The centimeter sized needles inserted all over her hand and remained for only seconds. The plate came off and the number counter on the back remained at zero. He followed her lead. Cold beads of sweat ran down his neck and he gulped. Microscopic puddles of perspiration formed on his palms as he placed the plate over his hand and activated it. The counter's numbers climbed and ascended until stabalizing on a neon green one-point-three. The man lowered the shotgun and picked up the case walking back into a door to the right...(You dont need three dots, also known as an elipses, since they mean that you are omiting thoughts. Turn it into one period.)

"Looks like we check out, huh sunshsine."

He nodded in agreement as they walked the ten foot stretch of gray carpet with multi-colored stitching to the expanse of window-scape. A dim, foggy light pierced the layers of glass as they looked down to the chaos on the streets below. He could see the exact spot he had been standing only twenty minutes before; clueless to what was happening in his surroundings. He shifted his gaze about six feet to the middle of the street where the two bodies of the women still remained lifeless.

(You have a question, what do you need here?)“Why me,” he asked.

“What do you mean, you?”

“The sniper, he was on the roof at the exact moment I was walking into that little scene. He looked right at me and that straight face of his turned to a grin real quick when he shot the two women right in the face.”

“It’s quite simple rea—,”

“Oh is it.”(Youre asking a question, so use a ? mark.)

“Yes actually. You were just in the right place at the right time and stop shaking, you’re gonna need it for later considering what you see down there is just the beginning and what you saw in the elevator was…well, let’s just say it was kid shit compared to what you’re going to see. That is if you man your ass up and live long enough to see it.”

A sound in the stairwell alerted her attention to the fire exit.

“This might be your chance to show that you’re not going to get us or yourself (Put a period after killed and capitalize the N in NOW since youre starting a new sentence) killed, now go check the stairwell and make sure the safety is off.”

He smiled and pulled the pistol from his jacket pocket, “I don’t know about this, but if this is what it takes to be a man in his and your eyes then all I have to say is, I like proving people wrong and I guess you could say I owe both of you my life."

He continued down the (Take out thecomma and add a period.)hall, “By the way, I never caught your name.”

“It’s Shockley. No my mother was not on pot when she named me like my father claimed. Oh and I forgot to tell you two important things. For one, don’t come back with any kind of scratch, bite or tear. If you even get one put the gun to your head and pull the trigger till you die. Lastly, when you come back, knock seven times so I know it’s you. Okay, okay. I think you get the idea.”

He pushed the block in strolling through the door. The railing in his left hand felt warm compared to the pistol in his right. The silver handle so sleek he could see his reflection in it. He pulled his hood down revealing bristles of hair on his shaved head and cocked the gun at the exact moment a moan was heard. It was one of them and it was close, about two flights down. His sleeves rolled up and he tiptoed down the cement steps as quiet as he could. The hand on the railing found itself itching his five o’ clock shadow. His heart skipped a beat and he stopped immediately as he watched the abomination hobble up the stairs tripping on almost every one. Half of one of his legs was gone pretty much shredded. It looked like a dog imagined it as a chew toy. Splinters of bone stuck out from the stub that left splotches of blood as he stepped. One of his eyes was completely dilated and the other was missing from its socket.

Koen put the iron sight to his eye and aimed at the thing. He pulled the trigger and ripped its arm to where it was hanging from strands of ligament. The thing kept coming at him. He took a step back and fired another shot hitting him in the stomach. The thing jerked, but didn’t stop. Koen tapped the trigger once more sending the bullet through the abomination’s working eye causing him to collapse backwards down the steps. He eyed the body waiting for it to move, but it didn’t. The whole way back to the floor he came from he walked backwards making sure the thing wasn’t faking it, but once again it never came. He was about to open the door and tell Shockley of what he saw, but remembered what she told him and knocked seven times. She welcomed him back in and they walked into the room to the right. The man in the aviators sat in a leather swivel chair in front of a laptop.

“We’ve been working on this for quite some time now. The thing that’s taking over these people, that is making them kill, making them crave the warm flesh on are bone, is the same virus that the government has been containing for years just waiting for a world leader to piss them off so much that they’d use it against them in hope that they could contain it. Initially it was the Germans idea, something one of their scientists thought up. Our government paid doctors of all kinds to plant the virus within people mainly their brains, but either way it would spread there anyway through their bloodstream. This morning the CDC who has control of it in their underground labs answered a call. This call that they received was a man who had the access code to enter the research lab’s virus containment apparatus over the phone. He activated it with the code: RED 070,” the man in aviators said, “The millions of men, women, and children that were, for the lack of a better term, activated were the lucky ones because whoever the hell that son of a bitch was sentenced us all to hell, including himself.”




Overall this was an interesting piece. I am not into "zombie" style writings, but you might have a good start here. I think that it could use some work wording and grammar, and even better more powerful descriptions. I think that you couldnefit from the help of a thesaurus forbetter more vibrant words.

Keep writing!

God Bless!
Chevy D.

(Please note, as I stated I dont really do zombie style pieces. I am more than happy to review other items for you, but ask that you refrain from zombie style writings. Thanks!)
20
20
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Dear Hbar:

Please accept my review as both a thank you for writing and for letting me have the priviledge to read your words. Take from this review what you can and what you cant, please recycle (we do need to live green!) and with that being said, I think I'll write in green too!



Overall Rating: 2.5


I liked it for several reasons. Please see why below:

1) I like that this is a family oriented piece. I dont read too many pieces like that, since I prefer poetry and romance. I like that there seemed to be a close, though strange, family and the very real situation of a childs science project getting done. I remember mine with my parents and though, not quite the same, there were strange things that happened to us!

2) I liked the idea that you tried to make it comical, which is great in any piece! (Though I prefer Jack Daniels to scotch!)


Suggestions: (Please remember they are suggestions only. I will do my suggestions in general and then by paragraph)

1) Overall, there seems to be many grammatical errors in this piece, though it would be simple to fix them all! The lack of grammatica marks, like commas, takes away from the story.

2) The lack of commas makes the piece look like a jumbled mess, with no general direction or focus. The italics should be offset with commas. Without them, itmakes the sentences look sloppy, just popping out in all directions with little clear path, and it really is hard on the eyes. I had to stop more than once to go back and re read some things.

3) I think that some things are over repeatative (yes I know that spelled wrong and its also very early here, so I cant comprehend how to spell it right haha!) Sentences like Most Honoured Father, Most Reverent Father...it gets tiresome when its the same old same old over and over again. It almost makes it seem like you couldnt come up with anything better than that.


Paragraph by Paragraph:

1, 2, 3) In P1, you could really rework the beer and the funnies line. Its very run on, with no punctuation, and really, rather undroll. I think you could reqork it a little better to make it more enjoyable. In P1, please find the following: Our son, my wife’s and mine; I refuse to take full responsibility, an eighth grader...etc. I think it would be better something like this: Our son, (italics) I refuse to take full responsibiliy (end italics), an eighth grader..etc. You already make the point that he is your (inclusive of you and your wife) son, so you dont need the my wife' and I, since you already made that noted to the reader. P2: When your son actually says (your version) "hey Dad...etc." I think it would look better as "Hey, Dad,...." with the extra commas added in there. P3: There is bsically no punctuation in the tir paragraph. When youre talking to your son, you use no punctuation whatsoever, and yes, mabye your character seems slurred and sloshed already, but really, please use some periods, or even though it will mke it look like aterrible run on, some commas.

4, 5, 6) P4: The italics should really be offset by commas. It just seems rather stuck in there without them. P5: Sentences 2 an 3 are actually of the same thought and should be put together. The second one cannot stand alone, and it is the second half of the first thought, so please, put them together to form a complete thought. This is what your P6 lookslike: Being the mature, compassionate, individual I am I said to myself ‘John, because that’s my name, John there are many different ways to turn this into a valuable learning experience for your son’. Alright that’s not what I thought, but, in my defense I was thinking. Well, I might not have been thinking but I am mature. Okay I am old and maturity has nothing to do with age. Which for some unknown reason people keep pointing out to me?......This is what I think it should be like: Being the mature and compassionate individual I am, (italics) okay, so I might not hve been thinking but I am mature...okay, so I might be old and maturty has nothing to do with age, though for som unknown reason people keep pointing out t me that it does,(end italics) but either way, I said to myself, "John," (italics) because thats my name(end italics), "John, there are many dfferent ways to turn this into a valuable situation for your son." Alright, thats not what I thought, but in my defense, I (italics -for emphasis) was (end italics) thinking.

7,8, 9) P7: I think it should read loudly, not kind of loud. Kind of loud sounds like the horrible English teens use these days. P8: This paragrph needs some punctuation, or else it seems like jumbled word with little strength of meaning. And now, at this point, the Most Revered Father thing is getting over repititious. You might benefit from removing that or changing it. P9: Look does not need to capitalized.

10, 11, 12) P10: The scotch line can be reworked with some punctuation. The line about what came out of your mouth does not need a colon at the end of the word was. Whatit needs is a comma and then opening quotations. P11: The beginning of the paragraph needs an indent to look uniformed. After the word afternoon you need to have a period and start a new sentence because youre starting a new thought. P12: Ithink you could reword that to something along the lines of:m not going to lie etc. WHat he said was, "etc."

13, 14, 15) P13: This is what youwrote: Luckily for my son, okay and me too, his mother who I often wonder about, my wife is a truly mature individual and will more than likely be canonized by the Catholic Church before her work here is complete stepped in. She said, “Brendan there’s nowhere to develop your pictures now, everywhere is closed.” I think you need to rearange this a littletsoething along the lines of: My wife is a trul amazing individual. I often wonder about her sometimes, and often feel that she will be canonized by the Catholic Church before her life is over. Luckly for my son and I, she stepped in. "Brendan, there is no where to develop your pictures now. Everywhere is closed at this time!" P14: gonna does not need that apostrophe and he does not need to be capitalized. P15: After 'before I knew it', put a period. A short simple sentence of I laughed would suffice on its own. In your son's thought, you need to capitalize the first letter in his thought. After My wie put a comma since youre going into italics.

16, 17, 18) P16: itshould read not really subtle hint. P17: After other please put a comma. After scotch, put comma and after the second scotch a second comma.


Hopefully something in here was helpful to you!

God Bless and Keep Writing!
ChevyD.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..


21
21
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Matty Zink,

I think that overall this piece I would rate as a 4.0. Please let me tell you why, and then I will tell you my impressions of the piece.

I did NOT find any typographical errors. I read it twice to double check and was unable to find anything that needed fixing such as grammatical or formatting errors.

I was able to understand fully and clearly what was happening each line, and to whom it was happeneing to and how each person was intereacting with one another.

I think that as far as the italicized thoughts go, it might look better in a bolded colour such as black. The italics in this FONT is very hard to discern and I think taht it might need to either be changed to another font or the thoughts need to be placed in a bolded colour.

There seems to be a little bit of lack to description and the goings on. Yes I can understand it all, but it seems to be lacking OOMPFH in the descriptional parts of the piece. Im not sure if the contest called for the lack of it or not, but I think that you could add some to make it more mind appealing for the reader, and so that they can see more of what it is like around the characters.

As far as the overall plot, I was very impressed. I think that you came up with a really interesting piece and I also think that you made it a believeable piece as well.

My last suggestion to you would be to bitem link the original contest either at the beginning of the piece or at the end of the piece so that people can see where you are entering it and maybe even enter it themselves.

I hope that my words helped you in some way. They are merely suggestions, take what you can use and discard the rest.

Keep writing and best wishes,

Tally
22
22
Review of 52 Candles  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Turtle Green,

This was a very emotional piece to read for me. The emotions of regret for not knowing someone, the anguish inside from the tears of crying, and the longing for things that might have once been all now being gone, are terrible emotions on the heart. There is a lot of sadness in this piece, shown in your strong, yet simple words. I also liked how the person was reminiscent *sp* of the way that he / she tried to be like the one who has passed. That brought tears to my eyes. I re read the tnrire piece once I got to the end, just to get the full effect of the message in the piece and I think that you did a wonderful job! I cant wait to see more!

God bless
Tally
23
23
Review of Poppies Fall  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Annticipation:

Just sitting here reading this piece makes me stop and think of all the people that I know who have been soldiers and even those that I dont know who are soldiers. Be they from the past such as your father in WWI or people I know fighting in this war today. It was tear jerking, knowing what I do about them.

The thoughts of the death of the many that suffered through all the tradjeties for people all aruond the world like me, saddens me to think that it still goes on these days. I hope that others can see this piece that you have written and make an honest effort to support and uphold the lives of these wonderful men and women who gave their lives so freely for all of us in this country.

Thank you for writing this piece so that someone like me could read it!

Sincerely
Tally
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