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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ca.gardiner92
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2 Public Reviews Given
2 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Parallel Paths  Open in new Window.
Review by Anne Tempest Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I understand what you are trying to achieve from the first paragraph, however I feel that there a lot of short sentences, therefore restricting the flow of your writing and not quite achieving the hook you're trying to create.

See below a few recommended changes:

I couldn't help but stare, her thick glasses, her old-fashioned clothes, and her unidentifiable accent all gave the impression she was from another place, another time. Perhaps she was a time traveler?

Nah, I thought to myself, chuckling. Although she certainly looked out of place. If we were at Mardi Gras sure, I wouldn't of batted an eyelid but not here in Georgia. I tried not to stare; willing my eyes to stay focused ahead, but I couldn’t help myself and found my head naturally drifting in her direction. She seemed lost, as if she were looking for something or someone. Thinking about it, I was more than likely imagining it. My old man had always accused me of having a vivid imagination. I suppose he was right because after the big fight about what church to go to, I imagined that I never had to speak to him again and I hadn’t to this day. But I digress, the point is, I have quite the imagination. She’s probably an actress on the way to a show or quite possibly one of those Renaissance festival workers…or a Renaissance restaurant worker? Perhaps she was simply a very unique stripper-gram…VERY unique.

I like the idea of the story however, definitely intrigued to find out what happens next.
Keep writing.
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Review of Circles  Open in new Window.
Review by Anne Tempest Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Simplistic!

Would be a very good poem to use in the classroom.

Will be sure to have a look at some of your other work, thank you very much for the gift points.
Please take a look at my short story Anny and the gang.

Kind regards and all the best for the future.

Keep writing
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