Nice idea and it is well written. I think the first two chapter could do with some more commentary about the feelings and actions of the characters rather than just dialogue. I felt like I was reading a script rather than a book during those first two chapters.
I think you might be more suited to a style I use sometimes and that is to write out the dialogue with nothing else and then think of all the things that you want the reader to feel and fill in the spaces between dialogue convey that.
The chapters are very compact and to keep that up for 300 pages you will need a lot of action. For a short story it will work, for a novel you need to let things breathe more. A book is a marathon not a sprint.
Is this an ironic work of fiction or a bigoted view of individuals rights to choose to live their life how they wish to?
It seems a relatively well considered piece until the abhorrent last sentence, homosexuals should be cured? How by buggery? Maybe ignorance should be cured by meeting with these 'sick' individuals and then you'd see no cure is neccassary.
First of all congratulations Tim, it is a nice poem that flows well. I can see you have worked hard to make it rhyme but am not sure that it makes that much sense. I think there are conflicts, I don't see how for something to blossom it must endure. Blossom is momentary, after it blossomed it must endure maybe. Also I don't understand why God is at your back? Is he chasing you? You later say that the passions were godly imbued, (also isn't the Godly imbued line a question?)
I think you should think about what you want to say and then work your imagery around that. Rhyming is great if it works but I think here it isn't worth it. You have some impressive lines and a creative mind, don't lock yourself in a cage by putting restrictions on your style. Let your content shape how your work will look and not the other way around.
Wow, I was impressed by your name and utterly blown away by this piece of work. I hope your music lives up to the lyrics. I think the lines maybe a bit cumbersome for a song however I will refain from judgement until I have heard it sung.
Do you have a myspace or website where I could hear this as a music track. I think it makes a beautiful poem though.
Best of luck with your work, Nick
Bob this is a very good first stab at poetry and I really like the aesthetic (I hope my spelling is right there, wow its later than I thought).
Anyway very somber, I think you have a talent for poetry. I have heard people who think its all about vivid descriptions but for me its about providing a framework for my imagination and this does it well.
Good job!
The story is short, too short. It has a great premise but explore the feeling of the doctor, his assistant, why the death is to occur, old age, illness? I think a suicide pact maybe a more poignant ending if its just some agreement. Ultimately there are too many annoying questions about whats happening to provoke the more interesting debate about euthanasia which this has the potential to tackle and I think its a debate that needs to be brought to the fore. I hope this helps, good luck with extending it.
Its okay but it feels to me like you forced the rhyme. It should flow naturally, it has a great subject matter and its core is solid. I would suggest some minor revison such as rhyming ababcdcd etc, using short lines and more paragraphs. I alwats prefer reading in quatrians as I find it easy to get a point across well in the 4 lines but keeps a fluidity about the poem as a whole when moving between ideas. I hope this helps and you can evolve this promising piece. Nick
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