Great Group,
I'm excited to have arrived at this point of renewal for the group.
I've been poking into the corners and finding more and more.
I may need help learning how to do stuff (attaching group banners to my reviews..etc.) WDC is still sometimes a challenge for me.
Byron
(I never know what to do with GPs, maybe the group will have use for a few of them.)
I liked this. The mis-direct was good, lending just enough confusion to my understanding without making me revolt when the reveal is made(i.e "take your clothes off" instead of "disrobe" a more antiseptic/artistic direction) .
I thought the writing was clear. I read through without any need to re-read anything. Good transitions too.
If anything, I light have liked some insight into the dancer's motivation for being there. Other than that, I don't have any suggestions.
What a touching piece. The internal image of the prose is good. I had great feel for the experience, especially the "wheel of fortune" bit (been there).
If I would have wanted anything, it would have been for the viewpoint character's transition to be highlighted more. From a disconnection to a connection.
But, as I said the writing is good. No waste and very clear transitions.
I read smoothly and understood what was happening. I liked your using the prompt "train" as "to teach." I never even considered that. I had to stop and consider salt using a liquid measurement. I had to remember to consider space worlds.
In the end I felt I didn't know what was at stake. If he failed to present the banquet what happens? Is he killed or just embarrassed?
I liked the story. I thought you did very well with the "mis-direct". I really got a very good "satisfied reader" feeling.
I feel I'm missing something in the Mary connection. I understand and like what is written, but I wonder if Mary somehow became a victim of the word count. I don't really have any suggestions to make it better that wouldn't require more words. To be honest, I'm getting a truncated feel, like the draft was close to 400.
But, I enjoyed the story as reader. These comments are just "writers writing" type things. And I'm probably flat wrong.
I like this one.
In fact, anything I could say would be absolute nit-pick. So, I'm not going to bother.
I like how you went a totally different direction than the rest of us. I like the voice you chose.
Of course, the writing was smooth. No errors to break my immersion in the story.
Nice read, Thanks
Byron
(oh, two prompt entries in one is clever...and economical.)
The writing is clear. I was pulled through the event nicely. I like it.
The suggestions below are just thoughts of how I might handle it, which is only for perspective or sharing only:
I might name the detective in the first sentence. Might save a "which one is John" question later in the story.
If it is not critical to the solving of the crime, I'd pick another detail beside '10 mile radius' for the second usage...like "mid-town alone" or "east of 103rd" something to add a layer in the readers sense of place.
Finding a business card is pretty convenient, especially for a serial killer erasing victims fingerprints. But, they always make mistakes. Detective John knows this..doesn't he?
Finally, 24 words is a lot. There have been rounds where I would've given a fortune in GPs for just five.
If your like me, you're never really interested in how someone else would write your story, but another writers perspective on storytelling is sometimes a different thing altogether.
Again, the story is good, and I had no problems reading, following, or enjoying it as is.
Angela,
I liked the story.
I had no problems with clarity or re-reads. I mean that the story read smoothly letting me stay in the story.
I had a great image of the young woman interacting with her cat. I not really a cat person, but was able to place this.
You may have missed an opportunity to further engage the reader by being more specific with the pregnant co-worker. Just adding a name and a short sentence showing Rose as sympathetic would add a layer.
I totally appreciated the boyfriends romantic gesture.
Keep writing. Especially for the Challenge. I love when the board is full for a round. My writing has improved so much since I started writing flash here.
Thanks for the read.
Arakun, when I saw your story featured in the Short Story Newsletter I was eager to read it.
I liked it. It read sort of light. Happy. I got a bit nostalgic at the opening with the ladies having cold drinks together. (I'm old enough to remember the suburbs before there were six foot privacy fences and automatic garage door openers.) It set a good scene and a good tone.
Of course, the story read smoothly. I didn't have any re-reads for clarity.
The positions of the farmer and academic are well made and in a sense they are both right. Still, you wouldn't have to lean on it very hard to make an opinion piece out of it.
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