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Review of Computer Vampire  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Kotaro,

After reading "Computer Vampire", It is my privilege to offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert in English, or grammar by any means. As such, I feel unqualified to rate it regarding the more technical aspects of writing. However, if I notice any glaring spelling, or punctuation errors I may point them out simply as an assistance for possible edits.

My desire is to encourage. Anything I share is only my opinion. Your writing is yours. You are master of your words and creativity.

I simply know what I like. And I like this. For a Dracula / vampire story it is a refreshing change. It stands out in the crowded genre. I like how it is contemporary in the use of computers and new technology to assist him in his ever thirsty quest. Well done for originality where it is tough to be original.

Character(s) - I love your descriptions of Drac and his rising. Indeed the first two paragraphs are IMHO quite amazing. I fined I want to know more about this Dracula.

Setting(s) - largely left to our imagination, with just enough let us fill in what we all know of Dracula - it's dark - no sun - a coffin - a window - and in this case, a computer. With very little actual description, I could see it all. Ditto with Arthurs description. Just enough for us to see what we have all seen before. Hopefully not in the mirror. LOL

Voice / Style - 3rd person omniscient I think. Works well

Plot / Twists - I was surprised the final product was refused. I figured technology would pur and end to all Drac's nightly hunting and give him time for other pursuits. Like writing love poems on WDC. Also Dr. Frankenstein receiving eternal life was an interesting twist.

Grammar / Punctuation - nothing I saw

Suggestions - maybe another line about Dr. Frankenstein and how he got eternal life. Did Drac suck his blood? Curious about that one.

Encouragements - your descriptions are wonderful. My favorite: "As he listened to the mournful, yet soothing notes of Mozart's Requiem, he stared at the needle bobbing on the dark rotating disk as it wobbled like a small life boat on a tempestuous black sea." Awesome!

My desire in this review was to be first courteous, and respectful, but also encouraging, and helpful. I hope you find it so.


“There are two levels of humility. One level, is when one is humble enough to give. The next level, is when one is humble enough to receive.” - JLL

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
2
2
Review of Harry's Prairie  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Marie (Arakun)

I love this one. As a recent transplant to the Dakotas I find it very pertinent to the history here.

I hope Harry wasn't too disappointed. Good neighbors are a treasure. Fred seems like one of the best kind.

A very enjoyable read. Well done!

Blessings
JLL
3
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Review of The Elven King  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello M.A,
After reading “The Elven King”, It is my privilege to offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert in English, or grammar by any means. As such, I feel unqualified to rate it regarding the more technical aspects of writing. However, if I notice any glaring spelling, or punctuation errors I may point them out simply as an assistance for possible edits.

My desire is to encourage. Anything I share is only my opinion. Your writing is yours. You are master of your words and creativity.

I simply know what I like.

Character(s) – The Princess - is described well in the beginning and further described by the dragon/girl, but never named – we know she is a princess and she is described as his Beloved but we never are introduced to her as a person with a name. I find that interesting, at least for now. We learn of her history and some of the intrigue of her home kingdom. Her personality is developed rather well in the first few paragraphs. We are not sure if we like her yet, but we definitely can sympathize with her. We are well hooked and want to know more. Good job!

Nicoli – we learn Nicoli’s name at the beginning of his description, and we learn of his history and how he, an elf, made the startling leap to love a human. We learn of intrigue in the Elven kingdom. It seems both King and Princess have been betrayed by the very ones they had trusted the most. Again we sympathize.

The Dragon – again no name – just a vague understanding that this dragon/shapeshifter is something different and for some reason, spares, nurses, and sets Nicoli in search of the princess, his Beloved, the other half of his soul. Presumably she has reasons. Or perhaps just because we now find out more about the Princess. How good and noble she is as well as having dragon blood. The plot thickens, and then thickens some more. We want these two to succeed in whatever lay ahead of them. Wonderful story!

Setting(s) – well described and believable, without getting too wordy.

Voice / Style – I like going from one character to other in view. It’s fun to know what each is thinking.

Plot / Twists – the Pricess with dragon blood, unknown to herself is cool. That will be fun for you to flesh out in the future I think.

Grammar / Punctuation – Maybe a few commas needed here and there, but overall pretty good IMHO.

A few quick suggestions for spelling and word omissions, see below:

and the large body? of the dragon shrank into a human one.

and treated even the servants with the up most (utmost) respect, and humanity.

There were those in his own kingdom who'd rather have a limb cut off then (than) show compassion to someone lower than their station.

Her only alley (ally) was the male standing in front of her.


Suggestions – please write the next chapter!

Encouragements – You have done well in capturing the reader and making them care about the characters. Descriptions are good. Not too wordy. Overall a very pleasing story to read.

My desire in this review was to be first courteous, and respectful, but also encouraging, and helpful. I hope you find it so.


“There are two levels of humility. One level, is when one is humble enough to give. The next level, is when one is humble enough to receive.” - JLL

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
4
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Review of The Dinner Party  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello J.E. Allen,
After reading "The Dinner Party", It is my privilege to offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert in English, or grammar by any means. As such, I feel unqualified to rate it regarding the more technical aspects of writing. However, if I notice any glaring spelling, or punctuation errors I may point them out simply as an assistance for possible edits.

My desire is to encourage. Anything I share is only my opinion. Your writing is yours. You are master of your words and creativity.

I simply know what I like. I like this very much.

Character(s) - Believable. We can see each of them.

Setting(s) - Left to our imagination. But works fine. When words are limited the imagination is best anyway. IMHO.

Voice / Style - Flows well - makes sense - takes us to the ending nicely.

Plot / Twists - I deduced the butler would get the inheritance pretty early. But I wasn't sure. My other thought was that the butler would be the rich guy, having changed places with the butler. I love when a story does this with the reader.

Grammar / Punctuation - I think there may be somme commas needed here and there. But I'm not good enough with them myself, to point them out. LOL

Suggestions - none - nice story in a very few words.

Encouragements - Keep writing these shorts. It is rare that one can paint such a picture in so few words. Well done!

My desire in this review was to be first courteous, and respectful, but also encouraging, and helpful. I hope you find it so.


“There are two levels of humility. One level, is when one is humble enough to give. The next level, is when one is humble enough to receive.” - JLL

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
5
5
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
After reading "Meeting at the Park", It is my privilege to offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert in English, or grammar by any means. As such, I feel unqualified to rate it regarding the more technical aspects of writing. However, if I notice any glaring spelling, or punctuation errors I may point them out simply as an assistance for possible edits.

Please know that I am in your corner and on your side. Anything I share is only my opinion. Your writing is yours. You are master of your words, ideas, and creativity. Please don’t allow anything I say to hinder you in any way.

I simply know what I like. And I like this very much. I can relate. In fact, most can relate. that's why it connects with us the way it does. Either we have been the one that is suspect due to appearance, or we have been suspicious of others due to appearance. We think it terribly unfair when others treat us this way, but we somehow justify treating others this way. Very strange human conumdrum.

Character(s) - We get to know them through the very clever description of their clothing and words concerning the "stuff" - all our prejudices kick in. Oh no what are these delinquents going to do now? The stage is set well by you, for some drug sale or fencing of stolen goods. We just know it. Well done! Good job playing off our fears and stereotypes.

Setting(s) - the place is a perfect setting for our fears to dwell. City parks at night? No one doing good ever goes there. This is common knowledge.

Voice / Style - The dialogue is believable and realistic. I have been one of those boys at one time. Minus the tats and piercings of course. Wrong generation. Our long hair was enough to earn the disdain of most adults in the 60's and 70's.

Plot / Twists - the ending was un-expected. Your wording made us think there were junkies waiting for their fix. But then we find out they are just hungry, homeless people waiting for a bite. In that moment all our prejudice and hard-heartedness is exposed. Now we must actually think, the next time we see people different from ourselves. Perhaps I will be the man in the suit who greets the boys warmly instead of showing fear and prejudice. Having said all that, there is still fear. Right? Not all young men in the park after dark are noble. Some ARE junkies who will rob strangers for a fix. Some homeless have committed crimes. Overall the greatest value of this piece is, IMHO, that we must be careful to not paint with too broad a brush, and tolerate differences.

Grammar / Punctuation - I didn't notice any glaring errors

Suggestions - None - still mulling this over - thanks for that!!

Encouragements - You write well. You use words well. You create a scene well! Keep writing!

My desire in this review was to be first courteous and respectful, but also encouraging, and helpful. I hope you find it so.


“There are two levels of humility. One level, is when one is humble enough to give. The next level, is when one is humble enough to receive.” - JLL

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
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Review of Survivor  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Shawlyn.

It is my privilege to offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert in English or grammar by any means. As such, I feel fairly unqualified to rate with regard to the more technical aspects of writing.

I simply know what I like, and I like this very much. The description of the alien forest is good. We get an idea that this is a dangerous place.

We don't know who he is, or what he is, but we find out that Gabriel is brave (or foolish?) and very capable. I find I want to know more about him, his people, his world and reality.

I love the little bits of technology thrown in here and there, that tell us we are not exactly in Kansas anymore.

Overall very well done. Keep on writing. What is next for Gabriel? I want to know!

Blessings
JLL
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Review of I AM :)  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Phophet,

I appreciate your love and zeal for our Lord and Savior. It is great that you want to write and share your joy and love for him.

To get the most impact you will need to maybe spend some time on spelling and punctuation. For instance:

Is your name "Phophet" or "Prophet" - the second is the proper spelling.

Perhaps English is not your first language. That would explain some of your other punctuation and grammar errors. I would be glad to help with editing in English if you would like me to. (c:=

At the very least you need to read over this piece and correct the spelling. Again, I can help if you wish.

Also, the all caps format is not just shouting, or excitement about your topic. It is also very difficult and tedious to read. Many people will refuse to read it.

I assume you want your message to ring out, and be as effective as possible. You may need to think about your format and presentation in such a way that the message itself is more important than your excitement.

Please don't be offended by my suggestions. You are the boss of your writing, not me. Or perhaps the Lord Jesus Christ is the boss of your writing. Pray and see what He says about my suggestions.

I love your zeal. Please keep writing!

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Tania,

I am pleased offer a review of this piece. I am not an expert on grammar or punctuation, so I feel in adequate to judge on that criteria. But from what I have learned here on WDC as to the technical merits of writing, I see nothing amiss.

I liked this story very much. It grabbed me and held me to the end. I am a little confused as to who is the victim. What is the wetsuit crumpled in the kitchen? Why is Glenda called an "it"?

In some ways these questions make the story scarier because we don't have all the answers. The final twist at the end is well played.

Keep writing. You have real skill and a good imagination.

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
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Review of Silent Film  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello,

I am pleased to offer a review of this piece. I feel unqualified in the technical aspects of writing, and far too lacking myself, to instruct you in technical areas. There are others on WDC that will help you.

I simply know what I like and I like this story very much. Your character and scene descriptions are quite good. They lead me into the story and help me experience it with the character.

Please keep writing. You have some real ability.

Blessings
JLL
10
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Tajabo,

It is my privilege to review this story. The technical aspects of the story need some work. Commas, paragraph indents, white space etc.

Since I am still a little challenged in those areas myself, I will leave all that to more competent reviewers.

I like the story very much. We get to know the character(s) pretty well in just a few words and the story flows nicely for the most part.

At first I didn't understand that the man of short stature was the pizza baker who was quitting. Perhaps I am little slow. LOL

Overall it is a good story with a wonderful message. Sacrificing to serve others in the everyday is not as common as it once was. But we see in this story just how easy it can happen.

Please keep writing and heed all the great advice you will get on this site.

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
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Review of The Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello W.D.,

This is really a great little story. And what fun it would be to share it with grandchildren. Some of the words may be a little steep for most children: Tarn, beseech, keratin. But that only opens a door to explain them to your young listener I guess. Plus a little mystical air is good in a story like this. After all, you "danced with unicorns."

Greatly enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

Blessings
JLL
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Review of A Summer Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Rob,

Just had to read everything you have here. This is so good.

I loved this story. As a child spending every summer in northern Minnesota at a very rustic cabin with my grandparents I have had many similar experiences. You have shown how wonderful it can be to write about them.

Please keep writing. I look forward your next piece.
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Review of Welcome Home  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Rob,

I am privileged to review this piece. Wow! It is a pretty creepy story for the Halloween season. Very well written and drew the reader in nicely.

This could be the beginnings of a longer story I think. Well done!

Blessings
JLL
14
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear bubblebear,

I really liked this piece. It strikes a chord that needs to be struck in all of us. Humility!

Everyone wants to be in the position of the elderly lady who kindly offers money to assist the person in need. We like THAT thought of ourselves. We pat ourselves on the back and feel good the rest of the day because we were kind and generous, reaching out to help where we could. And there is a certain humility in that for sure.

But we really don't want to see ourselves as the one in need of another's charity. We don't like THAT thought of ourselves. Suddenly, our pride kicks into high gear. I may be humble enough to give, but now the question is: am I humble enough to receive?

We find, in your little story here, that there is an unselfishness in the act of giving to one in need. But a greater unselfishness in the act of humbly receiving the gift.

Especially poignant in your story is the two characters are out of place. Normally we see the younger person assisting the elderly who may be on fixed income. But here is the elder assisting the younger. This must take even more humility to accept. Then the recipient must overcome the prideful teaching from her mother too.

Well done! your writing is subtle and effective at helping us to take a look at ourselves. I would love to use it in a teen Bible study or church youth group and see who each person identifies with.

Keep writing. I love meaningful fiction.

Blessings
JLL
15
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello Max,

I am so thankful to have found you on WDC. What a great gift you are to all of us amateur writers seeking to express ourselves in meaningful and creative ways.

I have so much to learn. My goal is to convey information in a way that people can relate to, and even perhaps be changed by. I think all good writing does that to some degree or another.

To my mind, all stories should leave the readers with a message. The best message, (again to my mind) is one that the story plants in a readers head, like a seed, that grows to become wisdom to the person as he encounters life. I believe what you have written here today will greatly assist me in doing that. Thank you sincerely!

I think every writer on WDC should read this article. I like your style as your instruct with the authority of a knowledgeable and learned person, without the high-handed, immature pride, and conceit of so many others.

Blessings
JLL
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
A good and timely word. And one that I hope will be well received and implemented.

Blessings
JLL
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Review of Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Gaudil0cks,

Very nice story. I love the feeling and personality you give the "bot". Seems more human than the human.

The characters are developed well and the style is engaging. I would like to read more of these adventures, if you write them.

Blessings
JLL
18
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello LaVonne,

I love these thoughts of yours. I think most if not all the world would agree that the world could use a few more Mary's. So why are there so few? Selfishness? Busyness? Wrong priorities? I fear I am guilty of these and others.

Maybe there are more Mary's out there than we know. Maybe we actually do a poor job of noticing them? Or perhaps we desire to be like Mary ourselves and often fail?

I think the key and the beauty your writing here is that it reminds us to "not grow weary in doing good" and to be steadfast in the work, and the joy, of living out the image of Christ in our generation.

Blessings
JLL
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello JellyFish,

I am pleased to offer a review of your charming story. I am not skilled enough to offer any technical advice. I simply know what I like.

First, I love your use of white space. I also use a lot of white space and I believe it makes the story so much more readable. Especially if the story moves a long at a good clip.

Second, The characters are quite endearing as we can see ourselves clearly in each one, as we seek to imagine ourselves to be them at that moment. What would we say? What would we do?

The dialogue is clever and logical. It seems it is always tempting to make and elf or a pixie or some other cute being into a grouch or an evil character. You did not do that, thankfully. We see an elf with the same heart and mind as our own seeking to deal with a desperate situation.

Third, I love to imagine what animals are thinking and saying to one another and to us humans. So I love your little story here on many levels.

Fourth, Having read the short story up to the last line, I was anticipating a clever and entertaining ending. I was a little disappointed at first but then caught myself thinking: "What would I wish for?"

So now I am not disappointed, and must share with you what I would wish for. "I wish the little elf and his bunny, Mike, would come and visit me as often as they liked."

Bravo for a good story. I will read more of your work.

Blessings
JLL
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Review of Wolf  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Meghan,

I am privileged to offer a review of this piece. Please know that these are my opinions only and in no way are they offered to disparage or criticize your work.

What I liked: The story is quite wonderful. The setting is the forest, walking alone at dusk. You had me there walking with you. I would have been scared even before seeing the "golden shining eyes" - I was intrigued that the character was not scared but seemed calm. The wolf seemed calm. Both were inquisitive. Then he turned and walked away and vanished. I was there at that moment. Thanks for a great little story. Keep writing!

Suggestions: - a little white space goes far in readability in my opinion. It is difficult to read a large block of print.

For example:

I was the forest, heading home from work, it was 11pm, and it was getting extremely dark and cold. I was striding back, hoping to get home quickly, you never know what lies in that forest.

Just as i was about to reach the gate of my house, i heard something unusual, like a crunch from a twig, or a rustle in the bushes, it was both of those things, and as i went to look around i saw two golden shining eyes looking at me near a tree, why it was a wolf, and for the first time, since i had been walking in this forest for 15 years, never had a i seen a grey wolf. I didnt even know there was one.

I stared at the wolf, and it stared back, and i almost felt we had some type of a connection between each other. The wolf made no movement qnd neither did I, if i made one move, i was worried the wolf would come for me and attack me.

You get the idea - this is just my opinion and others may give you good direction as well. Beyond that there were a few typos to go in and correct but overall it was quite a wonderful piece.

Blessings
JLL
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Review of I Can Hear You  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear Girlinwhite,

I feel so blessed to have read this story. Artfully crafted and beautifully told we identify with everyone of the characters.

I lost my mother after her being many days in a coma. I often wondered what she could hear and feel as we sat with her and spoke to her. This story gives me hope that she knew everything.

Most likely if you are a Nurse, you have many many stories waiting to get out. Please write them. You will bless so very many I am sure!

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
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Review of The Wind  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello David,

I am pleased to offer a review of this piece. I am not a professional at grammar or punctuation. I have no qualifications to judge style or content. I simply know what I like.

I like this very much. I was born in 1957. While it was eventually proved that I was too young to participate in Viet Nam (just) - I lived in it's shadow for my entire upbringing.

As a young adult after the war ended, I read voraciously all that I could by those who had been there. I needed to understand what so many had been sucked into that I had somehow been saved, after a lifetime of assuming I would be drafted. I believe most, if not all that I read was true and quite gritty. Occasionally though, I would read something like your piece here and be taken deeper than the soldiers experience and into the experience of those who loved him.

The use of the wind to take us from the battlefield to the lonely bridge with the girl left behind is masterful. IMHO - You begin with the horrors of the aftermath of terrible conflict, the wind beginning with the stench of death, moving along it's journey to a point of being almost cleansed or redeemed, only to arrive at the little bridge and the tender love of a girl who will never see her beloved again. The wind can only be cleansed to a point. It's the words "We regret to inform you" that sing with the stench of death now.

Thank you and keep writing in this vein. You have knack for it.

J. Lynn Lindsay
23
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Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Ryan,

I am privileged to offer a review of this piece. Please know that these are just my opinions and are not designed to disparage the piece in any way.

I really liked this story. It is short with just enough description to let my mind fill in rest. The characters come to life, seem real, and give us a snapshot into their lives.

Grammar seems good to my less than trained eye. If I were to offer any suggestion it would be as follows:

"You’ve got to be kidding me." and "What are the odds?" seem to be internal thoughts and I would thus put them in italics.

Overall a very nice story that begs to be made into a larger piece.

Very, Very nice job!

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay
24
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Review of The Elevator Man  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Woody,

I am privileged to offer a review of this piece.

First let me say that I greatly enjoyed the story. It is wonderful to see interesting but kind characters, and how they interact, contrasted with the unkind and therefore un-interesting characters.

We all want to see ourselves a a "Kind" character. We all want to think that we would be the little girl with the big, loving heart.

But too often we realize we are not. And we make attempts to be a better person. That is a real power in this story.

The payoff of the 7.2 million is wonderful and we are happy for the family. But somehow we also understand that the little girl and her mother neither expected, nor needed the payoff to love the way they did.

A heartwarming story. Thank you!

Please continue to write.

Blessings
J.Lynn Lindsay
25
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Review of "UNGH!"  Open in new Window.
Review by J. Lynn Lindsay Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Angus,

I am privileged to offer a review of this piece.

Wow! I really liked it. The opening dialogue between Ben and his wife set the stage nicely. I really wanted to know what was going on. The suspense grew throughout the rest of the piece.

Nice job overall! I look forward to reading more of your work.

The creepiest part was Mikes calm demeanor. Especially the last question.

Blessings
J. Lynn Lindsay

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