You have a good story going, I like it.
I would suggest that you carve out a good deal of the physical descriptions though. A few well placed words can paint a picture in the reader's mind as well as long descriptions, and the story flows better for the reader.
For instance, you might start the story something like this:
Diamond stretched out, then unloaded his two restless horses from the stock car behind the engine. Grant City, was a typical western townm, yet showing signs of growth and solidity. Diamond rode down the dusty street to the city jail, walked in and asked "Are you Sheriff James?"
And so on. Reader's will have seen a thousand western movies, read western novels, and will already have a mental image of a western town complete with dusty dirt streets, wooden sidewalks, saloons with batwing doors, banks with gold lettering in the window, barber shop with a striped pole, saloon girls on the balcony, etc. By giving only a few clues you can evoke all of that, and the readers will be a lot happier and comfortable with their own images.
As you can see, with only a few word it builds a picture in the readers mind that Diamond had just gotten off a train after a long trip. The brief town description is all the cue a reader needs - unless there is a specific reason to describe some specific aspect of the town, something that the reader absolutely has to know in order for the story to come across.
Just a hint that when it comes to description, less is more, as they say.
Also, adverbs tend to get in the way of a good flow. For instance: Where you write -
Diamond started to stand up, but intense pain in his left leg made him check himself for damage. He found that he was bleeding steadily from an apparent bullet hole in his calf. "I do believe I have been shot," he informed James and Thompson.
I would suggest something like:
Diamond stood up, feeling pain is his left leg. He looked and saw blood on his calf. "Looks like I've been shot" he said to James and Thompson.
When it comes to adverbs, If you pretty much remove all of the words ending in "ly" you will improve your story without sacrificing anything.
I like your story, I like your characters, and I think you are on to a good thing here. I hope you take this for what it is worth, just my opinion and suggestions. You might check out one of my stories to see if I have given you advice that I myself have followed, and if not you can ping me back |
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