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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bumblegrum
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447 Public Reviews Given
452 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm discursive and I want to have a conversation with the writer. I'm not keen on "checklist" ways of reviewing, and as a result, some of my reviews are quite long. I like to focus on the positives and highlight the good points, but if a piece is obviously "sloppy", I won't hesitate to look closely at it. I won't be deliberately negative and NEVER cruel, malicious, abusive or intolerant. These are definite no-nos. I can be a bit of a wimp about this, and I would rather not do a review than focus on a piece's shortcomings.
I'm good at...
Looking at how a story builds to its climax and then to it's end. Good characterisation is important as is the strength of the story idea. I look for the internal logic of the story - that it follows a predictable pattern; not that the outcome is predictable, but that we can see what's happening. While not a grammar/spelling/punctuation fiend, I do look for obvious errors, but not let that have too big a bearing on my rating. I love happy endings, but that never influences my reviews.
Favorite Genres
Romance/love, Erotica, Relationships, Philosophy, Psychology, Family - more to come.
Least Favorite Genres
Fashion, Food/cooking, Religious. But almost anything else
Favorite Item Types
Watch this space
Least Favorite Item Types
Watch this space.
I will not review...
There's nothing I won't review; if you can write it, I'll review it. I will, in fact, review anything, but I'm better at some than others (see my favourite genres).
Public Reviews
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Review of Grammarama  Open in new Window.
for entry "Personal Titles" Open in new Window.
In affiliation with Erotic Romance Writing & Revie...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank you for your erudition and competence. Might I please add two comments:

Compound plurals, such as mothers-in-law for mother-in-law or attorneys-general for attorney general. There are others, but the point is that it is the first noun that is “pluralised”.

Different. May I please thrash one of my favourites. The expression is ALWAYS “different from”, NEVER “different to” (or, heaven forbid, “different than”). I mean, you wouldn’t ever say “similar from”, now would you?

May I please add one further caveat. There are numerous differences between American English (AmE) and British English (BrE), let alone Australian, South African, Irish and so on, English. These all need to be taken into account, even though WdC is predominantly American.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Johnny.

This is horror fiction of a high order, and although this isn't one of my preferred genera, I enjoy quality horror stories. Of which this is one. You have taken a simple idea (turning humans into androids) and developed it smoothly and with appropriate tension and story line. I'd like to know a little more about Mark; how come he lives in this isolated world; what drives him, does he have relationships, etc.

The story works well, but I have a few minor technicalities to mention. In the last two sentences you appear to have switched tense from past to present. I would suggest (and it is ONLY my suggestion - take as much or little notice of it as you please) changing "But a disobedient android was of no use to anyone, especially when it couldn’t follow simple instructions. An error that must have been fixed for the next test run."

I would also like to suggest a couple of grammatical changes; in paragraph two, "Mark's curiosity was peaked." should really read, Mark's curiosity was piqued.

Then later, "his body is forced down" should be "his body was forced down" again, a tense change issue. These are really pretty minor points, a pedant picking away at form rather than content. The content is excellent, and I commend you for a fascinating story. If you are interested in the horror genre, I recommend checking out stories by Angus Author IconMail Icon; he makes my nose hair curl

Thank you for your story,Johnny, and in true WdC fashion, keep on writing.

Regards

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi krichmond

Thank you for an interesting glimpse of life in Southern California. I was brought up in suburban London (England) around 70 years ago, so my experience is quite different from yours. But there are some fleeting similarities - the kids who terrorise and the kids who are terrorised. I can identify with that.

Now, about your story, and these comments are in no order of importance. Please try to avoid the word “that “. It’s weak, and there are stronger alternatives. For example, “There was one family that for whatever reason ...” and “... and a younger son that seemed to be our age.” In both cases, try substituting “who” for “that “. You are emphasising humanity rather than a rather ambiguous entity. In fact, you can often ignore “that” altogether, although it won’t work in either of these examples. Secondly, I know that You use capitals for emphasis, but it’s not really necessary. The context and your choice of language should carry the message.

I found “... this pile of a person that they tried to reassemble ...” to be a very strong statement conveying the inherent tragedy behind the words. By the way, this is somewhere where you can leave the “that” out entirely without sacrificing any of the power of what you’re saying.

One other thing springs to mind. I would be interested to know what happened about your relationship with the younger brother after his brother had been injured. Could be an interesting development here for you to consider. Even though this is based on fact, you can tweak the story to give it extra impact and holding power. Remember, you are a story-tellerand you can easily take a bunch of basic facts and spin them into any sort of tale you like. For instance, what happened with the boys’ mother.? How did she cope? Did she start a relationship with one of the cops? Did the guy(s) who beat up the older brother ever get caught? What happened to him/them? The possibilities are almost endless, and replete with ideas for the development of the story. In fact, this could be the core of a full length book. Just let your imagination run with it.

One other thing, your story sounds almost autobiographical. There is a line between fiction and biography, and you need to be aware of you start to cross it. In fiction, the story is largely, “made up”, coming from your own imagination. Biography/autobiography is essentially factual, so you are dealing with the real lives of real people. So, be careful.

Thank you, krichmond for a very enjoyable story. Keep up the good work, and keep on writing.

Regards

Bumblegrum
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Review of Just $29.95  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Angus. Reviewing your stories is always a challenge, mainly because they’re so very good (I wanted to use a different word from ‘very’ but thought better of it!) Let me just say that this fits the definition very well. This is a true horror story, told in a modern idiom, something I think most of us can identify with. But wait, there’s more! You’ve managed to blur the lines between reality and fantasy very effectively, and given the reader plenty of nightmare material. Fortunately, I don’t.suffer from insomnia. If I did, this story would lead to yet more sleeplessness, and i’d Have to make sure the TV was turned off. And lock all the knives away!

Thank you, Angus, yet another outstanding horror story. Please keep on writing and I’ll keep on reading - and reviewing! And I will resist the temptation to send you GPs.


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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
One has to comment on this, having been acculturated in London. It’s beautifully observed, although why a gecko I have no idea. Maybe, if you pull it’s tail orff, it grows another one.

This is rather similar to a persistent ad on Aus TV for hotel choices (Trivago). In one of the ads, two female characters mouth “Trivago” in what I, to my disgust, would call an Essex accent. I was acculturated (here we go again) an I gotta tell you, my accent is/was nothing like that.

Might one also make a minuscule suggestion as to your wording. The phrase “an ‘orl” might be pronounced “a norl” with a soft “a” almost from the back of the froat. As I suspected you and I share a common heritage, although I wound up on opposite sides of the world. Thank you for this highly entertaining and sadly accurate piece. Anyone who has been baffled by the “Lunnun” accent should read this, aloud. Then they might get an inkling of what it’s all about.

One salutes you for your accurate insights and hopes that you will keep on writing. PS This rhyming slang habit has taken root in Australia. What would yo imagine “dead ‘orse” to be?


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Review of Rainy days  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Yes indeed, E, There’s an Anglo saying, “life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” So rainy days in the Punjab are very similar to rainy days in South Australia.

Yours is a lovely little poem, E, I wish I knew more about you - how about filling out your bio block? I do so agree with you, dance in the rain and let it wash away the pain of yesterday. Too many people hold onto that pain, unwilling to let it go, almost as if it is a special artefact that mustn’t be lost. It’s rather like people who keep the ashes of loved ones on their mantelpiece. Why? Let them go!

Your blank verse doesn’t leave itself open to any real criticism. I’d be pretty certain that English isn’t your first language, so you’ve done a good job of using it. I hope you build on this and keep on writing.


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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Kay. Thank you for your intriguing item reminding us that the limits of our mindset are self-imposed. It is important to realise this, and not attempt to blame our limitations on ‘the other’, be that is a h partner, a parent, or even the government. We are free to soar like eagles (although I recently saw this cynical comment, “you can soar like an eagle, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines!.”). Funnily enough, there is some truth in this, don’t limit your mindset but be aware of the environment through which you are growing..

But, William Shakespeare, Leonardo Da Vinci, Beethoven, Mozart, Einstein, Stephen Hawking all demonstrated unlimited mindsets. But, then so do, for instance, Olympia athletes who submit themselves to years of rigorous training, not subjecting themselves to limited mindsets. The world is full of examples of this pushing; many disabled people seek and achieve seemingly impossible goals. IMHO, you make too much of seeming physical limitations, and many of these depend on knowledge at any given time. Copernicus and Galilep broadened the frontiers of human knowledge, although it took many years for their ideas to be accepted.. and Isaac Newton exploded those frontiers, as did Albert Einstein.

It is impossible to argue with the pure physical reality of the first two verses of your poem. But you then go on to ask, “Why do we people limit ourselves by our mindset?” I’m not at all sure there is a necessary connectin between physical reality and human mental/emotional functioning. Then your last two lines state,”Failure to improve your mentality is the failure to rise above your level. For no one in life can ever rise above his state of mind.” On the face of it, these two statements appear to be self-contradictory, unless you are distinguishing between your mentality and your state of mind.

The concepts ‘mentality’ and ‘state of mind’ are rather difficult to define, mainly because they depend so much on individual differences. My state of mind is quite different from yours, as is my mentality. So the possibility of variation is virtually infinite.

Thank you for this piece, it sets out your philosophy well. You have stated a range of physical imperatives that really can’t be challenged and you have set out to make an equivalence with human behaviour. I think there may be some difficulty with that process because humans are all different. So, I look forward to more of your work; write on.


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Review of The House Elf  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Once again, Bill, you hit the jackpot. A lovely piece of children’s fiction. The story line is complete from the first discovery to the meeting between the two elves. You’ve left an intriguing little tag, right at the end, and I hope you write the next part soon. You have an ability to move from a sweet story for children to the depths of horror, eg The Picture Of Carolina Stump. Back to this story, the plot is clear Theo, the House Elf forms the relationship with Billy, climax, the arrival of another family, anticlimax, Theo meets Rebecca. And, as usual, your cha caters are beautifully drawn and entirely believable.

A great story again, thank you so much, Bill - there is almost always a W D Wilcox story in the daily Newsfeed, and one I can’t resist. Why aren’t W D Wilcox stories in bookshops across the land ??


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Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Simone. Thank you for this poem; it’s self-evidently love poetry of a specific kind. Dedicated to the one you love, I wonder if this is really for public consumption or should it be deliberately aimed t “the one”. This is truly “in your face”; maybe it is meant to be, but there are ways of “covering” the raw emotion of your piece to make it even more potent.

I would suggest you look at Shakespeares Sonnet No. 18, perhaps his most famous. It begins:

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day
Thou art more lovely and more temperate

But I would focus on the last six lines, particularly the last two

But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st
Nor shall death brag thou wanderest in his shade
When in eternal lines to time thou gravest
So long as thou can breathe or eyes can see
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you should try to be a second Shakespeare, just that you could “cover” some of the raw emotion, and by doing so, make it even more powerful.

I’m certainly not going to rewrite your poem; that would be arrogance of a high order. But let’s just take the last few lines:

You makes me love myself
Which I can never thank you enough for
I just really like you
Is what I’m trying to say.

Okay, so you might try something like this:

This golden fire through every pore
Engulfs me, and I know the source
And bless him for it.
Words are not enough
But that source lives in me
Vital and eternal, flooding my senses
And flowing back towards that source
My strong, bright, radiant love.

Now that’s my weak attempt to suggest how you might, and I stress might, be a fraction less direct in your writing.

I’m not going to attempt to comment on the structure of your poem. Free verse, having neither rhyme or any form of rhythm, is almost prose. In fact, with very little alteration, you could turn your poem into a love letter. Grammar, syntax, spelling and punctuation leave little to be desired. All that said, I would be delighted to read/receive something as openly loving and caring as this poem.

Thank you again, Simone, I sense you are young, maybe a student. As 77 year old male Anglo-Australian, lying in a hospital bed, we are very much opposites. So could I encourage you to complete your Bio block. It helps reviewers, well this one, anyway, to get a sense of who the writer is, which can help to tailor a review.
So keep on writing, and very best wishes.


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Review of The Great Secret  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I’m not going to do a big review of this, I can only say that I found it a powerful, demanding piece of writing. I’m 100% with Jack Finch and neuro-biological research will tend to support that. You’ve made the case clearly nd without emotion to cloud your case.

I’m not going to comment on grammar, syntax or any of that stuff, save to say I reckon it was all pretty well perfect. Thank you for a real “keeper” - you’ve done it again!


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Review of NOT ENOUGH  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus, how are you today?

One of the things that, IMHO, makes you a fine author, is your ability to write convincingly in many genres. Horror, obviously, "Alias Colt Dawson" and now this genuine gem.

You and I are of different generations, different countries. I remember 1962 and the Bay of Pigs fiasco and the genuine threat of nuclear annihilation. That said, it was a time where parents were less concerned about kids' safety and the music was about love; Beatles etc. all you need is love; she loves you (yeah, yeah, yeah!)

Your points are not invalid - but. I now need what youse guys refer to as a "cane" - arthritis having got its claws into me. So I walk slowly and often need to stop. I am amazed at how many people will stop and ask me if I'm OK and offer to help. I don't need help (yet) but I am always touched by people's kindness, and thank them profusely. This tends to result in smiles on both sides.

The other thing I am acutely aware of is when shop assistants and service people wear name badges. I always use their name if only when thanking them for their assistance. This guarantees a smile on both sides, and I feel good out that. And I think, generally, they do too.

I think these, and the examples you have given, are perfect examples of the prescription to think globally and act locally. I agree with you that we need more kindness, more civility. There are many reasons for the changes, but, like many older persons (old codgers if you like *Laugh* ) I'm inclined to blame the spread of technology. We don't talk face to face nearly so much any more, or talk on the telephone. Instead, it's all Facebook and txt messages. And anonymity offers opportunities for vicious, downright nasty messages.

WdC is a venue that offers lots of opportunities for kindness and compassion. We see that all the time in groups, Newsfeeds, e-mails etc. Long may it prosper. And long may you prosper, Angus, my friend. Keep on writing, have a good day and

Warm regards

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love it. You have captured all the important elements of our traditional Christmas, and bunged in some of the usual suspects from WdC.written, I think, entirely for its fun component, you deliver very effectively; the laughs come easily and in appropriate places.

There's a satisfying plot about what will happen if Santa is indisposed, and his mum steps into the breach with bustling efficiency. The reindeer are poised and ready to go without any problems - they seem pretty self-sufficient, probably because they have done all this before. I have to say that that silly pup knocked the tree down entirely without any urging on my part, but sneaky Steve dobbed me in. I'll get him for that, see if I don't.

Sonali, you have created a happy little Christmas story, well spiced with recognisable WdC characters, all with very positive roles to play. Thank you for this lovely seasonal invention; a cheerful and charming read. Could easily be submitted for a Christmas contest with a good chance of winning. Thank you.


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Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm never quite sure exactly how this works, but I want to send a bunch of GPs to Project Write World. Okay, so here they are.
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Review of The Eyes Have It  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus

We know you and know what to expect, so when you add a delicious twist in the tail, it is even more effective.

Thank you for an excellent slice of life (if I may put it that way). You create an "Angusian" expectation with the character of Josh, only to discover at the end that all he's been doing is peeling potatoes. Although why he should need a twelve inch butcher knife for that job, I don't know. And pizza, applesauce and sushi for breakfast? What about muffins? What happened to the fricassee of brains? (Now there's an idea for a story!)

Angus, this is well up to your usual standard, and I really enjoyed the twist in the tail. Well done, and thank you for another enjoyable read. I,d encourage you to keep on writing, but I also know that nothing will stop you.

Warm regards

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Anika

Your Aunt Sonali encouraged me to provide some feedback on this piece, especially as I live in Australia; I understand you are visiting here, too, and I hope you are enjoying your stay.

Now, about your "Eva Peron Monologue". This was obviously written for performance, and I ought to say that, personally, I much prefer to see "plays" performed rather than read them. That said, I was impressed by your writing. You have provided a penetrating insight into the final days of Evita's life in a way that draws the reader in to her central belief, namely her concern for the "descamisados" of Argentina. Although I don't speak Spanish, I understand that this literally means, "those without shirts", a term that became identified with the followers of her husband, Juan Peron, and later with Evita herself.

You have said that this is a non-linear piece, and so it is. At the same time, there are two powerful themes threaded through it. Firstly, the scarf, the purely physical representation that appears with great relevance in each scenario. Secondly, the theme of her love for the people of Argentina, focusing on the descaminados. This has been the central theme of her life, and remains powerfully persuasive at her death.

Again, I should say that I would like to see this performed, but the words carry a vital message concerning the life and death of Eva Peron, her beliefs and her passion. This is all the more remarkable in that it remains potent today, sixty-four years after her death.

Anika, I have a few quite minor comments about the "mechanics" of this piece - spelling, punctuation, grammar, word choice, etc. To me, the most obvious of these is that you appear to have two paragraphs numbered 4. The first starts "Angry with Military" and the second, "SFC cheering". I also note there is no paragraph numbered 6. You may need to re-number your paragraphs. On the latter subject, I don't know what SFC is. Now, that may be entirely due to my ignorance, but in case there are others in the same situation, you might want to spell that out.

A couple of minor points about word choice. You have said, "Yes I deserve this, signor." As Argentina is a Spanish speaking country, you might want to use "senor" as "signor" is the Italian equivalent. And you have said, "Oh clement, oh loving one" in Eva's prayer to Mary. Now, I understand the meaning of "clement" but it is a little archaic. If I was writing this (which I'm not, so feel completely free to ignore me *BigSmile*) I would have said "merciful" or something like that.

All these little quibbles aside, I believe you have created a powerful and memorable performance piece. I hope it is the success that it deserves, and you have a great champion in your Aunt Sonali.

Regards

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Review of New Year  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Moarzjasac

As requested, I am (at long last) reviewing this item in your portfolio. I'd like to emphasize the fact that these are solely my opinions and have no more weight than you may choose to attach to them

I must confess I have some difficulty providing a review for an item you have characterised as a c-note. Writing.com defines them as:

"Community Notes (cNotes) are virtual greeting cards designed by and organised into collections of varying themes, images and wording for different occasions by Upgraded members and above" (Community Note (cNote) in Writing.Com 101 "Writing.Com 101" Open in new Window.)"

IMHO, c notes tend to be brief, most often with a picture of some kind, indeed sometimes just the picture with space for the sender to add their own comments. If I was creating a c note of this kind (which I'm not, so if you disagree, you, too, have a delete button), I would have limited it to the last sentence, "May this year be the best experience of your lifetime." although you might well choose to preface this with "Life is how you choose to define the things that happen."

My point is not to argue with your wisdom or, indeed, to criticise the content of your creation. However, as you may see by making a survey of existing c notes, they are general short and designed to carry a brief message of support, congratulations, comfort, compassion, humour or encouragement. I suppose my main point here is that, very much IMHO, less is more.

I should also comment on the Creole French tag, "Le Bon Ton Roulier." As I don't speak Creole French, and I doubt whether too many other WdC folk do, I headed straight for Google which identified "Le Bon Ton Roulet" as, "May the good times roll". A very relevant sentiment, but you run the risk of confusing people who are not familiar with the saying. And I guess the Roulier/Roulet distinction may be a local variant.

Another point I will make concerns the sentiment, "Too soon oldt too late schmart!" I was immediately reminded of a book, "Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart" by Dr Gordon Livingston, published in 2008, a book for which I have a great deal of respect, although the sentiment is probably well-worn folk wisdom.

Moarzjasac, I don't want to give the impression that I believe you shouldn't create this c note - I can't and won't. But it may help to consider who you believe will use this creation and under what circumstances.

Thank you again for the opportunity to review this item and, to use the traditional WdC sentiment, Write On

Regards

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Moarzjasac

This is a very personal, subjective look at the moon, its influence and its effect on the writer, in an idiosyncratic piece of free verse..

As such, this makes providing an objective review quite difficult. It starts with the moon's light as it embraces places and the haunts of animals. Then we wait for sufficient light to paint the colours of the moon as it rises and shines into the secret places that are the moon's alone.

And then the moon flowers, the moon scent, the moonlight dance and moonstones and Labradorite. Finally, the moon yields place, waiting for another night to reveal her mystery.

The poem seems enigmatic, paining pictures in moonlight. And :

The Moon drags her satin sheets
Across my naked skin hiding
My ignorance as I wander
Fitfully through the darkness below.

Thus, the author finds himself "moonstruck" but entranced by the cool beauty of moonlight and recognisisng its subjugation to the sun.

Moarzjasac, this is clearly a deeply personal experience, and one that conveys an intense feeling for the effects and influence of the moon. I could find no mechanical issues,(spelling, grammar, syntax or punctuation) worthy of mentions, and I'm very grateful to you for the opportunity to read and comment on this piece.

Regards

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Review of Through the blur  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kronner

Thank you for your confidence in me as a reviewer; I just hope I don't disappoint you.

You have crafted a lovely story, gentle but with an undercurrent of strength and determination in Kelsey. Kelsey cares. She cares deeply about her friend Elizabeth, regardless of Elizabeth's autism. Or might that be because of her autism? No, I don't think so - that would weaken the bond of friendship between the two girls.

You could subtitle your story, "The Power of Love" because this is what it demonstrates throughout. For every angel, of course, you need a devil, and Matt fills that role very well. On the other hand, I doubt whether there is anything really diabolical in Matt, just ignorant, stupid and bigoted. And thus, almost by definition, weak.

Kronner, you have developed your characters well, and we see Elizabeth as a child with a disability (just in passing, wouldn't the school system be providing special support for kids with special needs?) who is bullied by at least one other child and who is unable to defend herself. Kelsey, on the other hand, is very close to Elizabeth and supports and protects her in the school environment. Niklas, Elizabeth's brother, fulfills that role at home. Kelsey is strong and determined, protecting her friend Elizabeth against Matt the bully.

There is one thing I am not clear about - what is it in Elizabeth that causes Kelsey to love her? I know, love defies analysis, but there has been no prior suggestion of a loving relationship of Kelsey towards Elizabeth until Elizabeth's revelation. On that subject, and I know nothing about the mechanics of Non-Verbal Autism, I wonder if the revelation of Elizabeth's love for Kelsey might have even more impact if Elizabeth were to speak at this point. Something like, "Elizabeth was astonished when, in a weak and wavering voice, Elizabeth said, 'I love you'."

Generally speaking, I have only one major issue with the "mechanics" of the story - spelling, punctuation, grammar etc. This is to query your use of block capitals where you are seeking emphasis. IMHO, in fiction, this is to be avoided, and the emphasis can be reinforced by the supporting words.

So, in the big block, where Kelsey is confronting Matt, might I suggest you delete the words, "Kelsey’s lips trembled under her anger as she got right up in his face" and use a form of words such as:

"Seeing her friend hurt in this way raised a seething anger in Kelsey. Her lips trembled as she hurled her derision directly into Matt's face."

In this way you are setting the scene for the words that follow, and they don't then need to be in block caps.

Similarly, in "DON’T! YOU! TALK! TO! HER! OR! ABOUT! HER! LIKE! THAT," try starting the sentence with something like, "Kelsey snarled, her voice harsh and aggressive ..." then you wouldn't need the block capitals; the introduction has set the scene. And, again IMHO, you never need exclamation points after each word.

With "LIZZY!” A loud call ..." you have set the scene with identifying that this was a loud call. You don't therefore, need the block capitals. A couple of other very minor points. At "to school: she hated the mean kids" you are probably better off with a full stop (?period) rather than a colon. And it will help to have a return after "I love you." to turn it into a full paragraph.

Kronner, you have provided us with a touching and poignant story without allowing it to descend into mawkish sentimentality. Congratulations. You also have a good understanding of autism, which suggests to me that you have had intimate contact with this devastating condition. But that, too, you handled sensitively and with great compassion. Your choice of language is very much what I would have expected from an eighteen year old young lady in the USA. It's not how I, as a 74 year old male in Australia would have written it. But that's not the point - you need to write in the voice of your expected readers, which you have done very well.

A great start, Kronner. Keep on writing because I think you can achieve more writing goals in future.

Regards

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Review of The Maybe's  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jen

Thank you for publishing this poem. Poignant, potent and supremely important, it carries a message that cannot be understated. I can't remember who made this statement, but, "In life there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences."

You have highlighted, with merciless precision one of the iron rules of this life. Everything we do - or don't do - is a choice. And for every choice there are consequences. And is we have any smarts at all, we will consider the likely consequences. It ought to go without saying (but far to often, it doesn't) that if you drink alcohol, you don't drive. Doubly, triply, by a factor of hundreds, if you have innocent children in the car.

Jen, this is such a moving and important poem that I hesitate to make any adverse comment. But that's never stopped me in the past *Blush*. My problem is with some of the cadences in some lines. I know it is impertinent to try and revise other people's writing, particularly poetry, so I shall have no problem if you completely ignore these comments:

"She picked it up, and began swirling it around." Try, "She picked it up, and then began to swirl the booze around."

"Knowing if she drank it, she'd hit bottom ground". Try putting "soon" between "she'd" and "hit".

"Telling her to come back and play the game". IMHO (and this is all very much IMHO) it might run a little more smoothly as, "Telling her to come on back and to play the game"

"She promised to herself, it's just a few sips". Try "She promised to herself, now, just a few more sips."

"Slipping behind the wheel, her hands slightly unsteady". Try substituting "were quite" for "slightly".

"full of laughs and chatters". You could drop the "s" off "chatters" for a better rhyme with "matter".

"Her eyes are getting drowsy, her head starts spinning
Glancing up in the mirror, her kids back there grinning". Maybe replace "starts" with "has started" and insert "now" after "mirror", and then insert "are" after "kids".

"She tried to jerk the wheel, to do anything that she can". IMHO, leaving out "that" makes this line run more smoothly.

Jen, my sincere apologies if it feels as if I've torn your poem to shreds. I don't think I've changed the message, which remains so important. I hope, however, that my suggestions make some kind of sense in setting the rhythm of the words. But, as I said, you are perfect liberty to ignore everything I wrote.

Thank you for this genuinely significant piece, and I really do hope you write on.

Regards

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Angus

No, this isn't Rhonda, not even remotely like her *Pthb*.

I don't normally start a review with the more contentious stuff, and I can say I was enthralled by your story - and shaken by it as well. However, you asked a serious question, and my serious answer is, no, I don't think you need the coda. For a horror story, IMHO "Forever and ever" works well just by itself.

If you were writing a straight romance (good heavens, the very idea of Angus writing a romance has me watching for the flying pigs *Shock2*), it may have some value in tying up a loose end. But not this time; you've stunned us with the ending as it should be - no need to gild the lily.

All that said, I do have a couple of suggestions. You might find it effective to finish like this:

"Tiffany forgives me, and now we are together.

Forever.

And ever."

I'd even substitute the final "ever" with "always" but that would spoil the title.

I did like the idea of the final clap of thunder; maybe you could work it in this way:

"Our fingers intertwine, and a loud clap of thunder violently shakes the ground."

Angus, let me repeat, I did like this story. It has the trademark Angus build-up through a plot that focuses on jealousy and a driven desire for redemption. The character of Angus (no relation, I'm sure *Smirk2*) is clear from the outset. He sees himself as a loser, catapulted into a loving relationship with Tiffany. But his own self-esteem and self-image is flawed and jealousy overcomes him, leading to Tiffany's death.

Well done, my friend,another spine tingler from a master of the art. Still'n'all, IMHO, it would be better without the final sentence. Hope that's okay with you; please feel entirely free to completely disregard anything I've said. Your story and you must craft it as you wish. And it's still good.

Warm regards

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21
21
Review of The Soup  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Bill Wilcox in the soup again! Well, maybe, but you've created a first class short horror story. Toe soup - I don't think I'll be able to look a soup bowl in the face again!

As I said, this is the epitome of compact, effective short horror. It is the twist in the tail that creates the real impact, and you've told a story without any apparent plot, right up to the last line. Stanley's character explodes in our face at the end. I know you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant, but remind me never to go anywhere near Stanley's restaurant.

Congratulations, Bill, a great read.

Regards

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Review of Abaloon  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Angus

Back to your chosen genre, I see. And in relation to your stories, "age cannot wither them, nor custom stale their infinite variety" to misquote the Bard. IMHO, this is another example of your skill and talent for genuine horror stories.

I'm always a little hesitant about saying that I enjoy these little tales of yours, because it might expose me as a ghoul - not that I would in any sense suggest that you, as the writer, share that ghoulishness. Notwithstanding any such disclaimers, I found this an excellent example of the "backwoods monster" stream of horror, with a highly satisfying twist in the tail.

I can't help feeling that I've read another of your stories with a very similar theme, ignoring the "brother" element. Be that as it may, this was a a first class addition to your portfolio, well written with excellent characterisation. I got a clear picture of Wayne - naive, ambitious and with a distorted vision of what hunting is all about. Killing for the sake of killing, with no better motive than that. He reminds me of the novice golfer who kits himself out with all new gear, top of the range clubs and all the accessories, and who goes out to break par the first time he handles a club.

Chrissie is more grounded with more commonsense, but her objections were steamrollered, while Jack is "hidden" - we don't get to know much about him until the grand finale

Thank you, Angus for another genuine blood curdler - IMHO, this is certainly worth being published. Congratulations on a great read, and I look forward to many more from you.

Warm regards

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Review of TIME  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angus

This gentler, more reflective Angus has been a joy to read. Does time heal all wounds? No, but in the natural cycle of things it allows regeneration and rebirth.

I can identify with this story. We've just gone through something similar in these parts, a huge bushfire that destroyed hundreds, maybe thousands of acres of bush and forest. No deaths (thank God) although a boarding kennel was razed and many pets died. Much property destruction, but I recently drove through the area, and the trees are starting to put out green shoots. The cycle continues.

Thank you, Angus. Your little story demonstrates a sensitivity and understanding that is both refreshing and poignant. Pity it didn't get into the Flash Fiction Contest. I have a feeling it would have won hands down.

Warm regards

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Review of Who Are I?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Angus

Thank you for another excellent piece. I'm noting a trend in your stories away from the more obvious horror towards a more subtle and, dare I say it, insidious form of scariness.

I guess most of us are familiar with the 24/7 ongoing dialogue that runs in our heads. I've heard it referred to a "Radio Doom and Gloom" because it always seems to be about telling ourselves how bad, stupid, worthless we are. Nonsense, of course, but that's often how it happens. The skill is to recognise what is happening but not to struggle against it, allowing the thoughts to just be and to focus on what is important in the here and now.

You've taken this one step further by changing what is essentially a dialogue, separating the two parts of ourselves and giving each of the an identity. But the other is dependent on the primary "actor" and the one thing he cannot tolerate is to be ignored. So keeping silent, closing down or shutting the other out is as good as a death sentence. The feedback loop is closed.

You've produced an excellent "what if" story, with just enough reality to to have us (well, me, at any rate), wondering what would be the outcome if something like this were to happen. Like I said, subtle and insidious horror and very well done. Thank you, Angus.

Warm regards

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Review of Life Goes By..  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Red

Thank you for the opportunity to review "Life Goes By", and thank you for your willingness to share your thoughts and ideas. Please know that as the writer, you always have the last say on your work, and you are under no obligation to follow my suggestions or, indeed, take any notice of anything I say. These are just my opinions, for what they are worth.

Hmm, no longer a teenager, but you were never "just another teenager". You were then, and are now a valuable person in your own right. And don't ever let anyone tell you anything else.

Here endeth the lesson. I found your poem very evocative, at several levels. Not the least because I learned to drive in a Ford Anglia with its backward sloping rear window. I have a soft spot for that particular model. Be that as it may, "Life Goes By" tells us a lot about who you are and how you see the world. I know, from a little research, that you are Indian; do you live in India or in the UK? Or elsewhere?

You have created a beautiful story, condensed into intense emotions through this series of rhyming couplets. Your rhyming scheme works very well, and although the rhythm is stressed at times, there is no doubt about your message and your insight.

Just to highlight this point about rhythm, I looked at the last four lines:

Suppressed woes,
A box of photos.
An emerald ring,
Memories of everything...

The word "Photos" is, effectively, two syllables. Had you said something like, "a faded rose", it would have resonated more clearly. Similarly in the last line, something like "Memories sing", would have maintained the rhythm.

Now, you may reasonably feel I'm just being picky, and at one level, I am. But I loved this poem with its deceptive simplicity and the experience that shines through it. Thank you, Maranda; I look forward to seeing much more of your writing her on Writing.com. So please, WRITE ON.

Regards

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