The story was compelling. I liked the way you described the rain and I could believe the way he reacted to the stranger in his room. I have a few questions about a few details after the nightmare.
First, if he awoke from his nightmare, couldn't the rain have stopped? Most people don't mow in the pouring rain and it might have ended with the machine stuck in the mud, considering how much the ground was already saturated. Also, the blades would not have been visible.
"When the grass-catcher filled, he clenched the kill-switch bar to keep the motor running, and then bent down to push back the collecting grass from the spinning blades where they met the cutting edge." If you eliminate the grass catcher, he can just reach in.
"With ashen eyes, he scowled at the heavens and the rain." Ashen eyes?
the trees stood leafless and raging at the bleak sky with mutant arms and bristling fists If there were no leaves, could there be bristling fists, and consider the rain.
Finally, as much as I like the idea of dreams leading people to do things, I still wonder why he did it, especially with a conscious knowledge of the dream.
If you think I am being too picky, you are probably right. Thank you for the story.
Koyel, I enjoyed your story. It certainly kept my attention. It was an interesting choice to set the story in 1965, with more modern settings and modes of travel. The story flowed naturally and made sense. All of the interactions of your main character gave me an insight into his strength, determination and sense of duty.
I was happy to see this tough fighter show such deference to his mother and father. It showed me that he was an honorable man and not responding to the Earl out of greed or ambition. Also, when you said "He took the calloused hands of his old mother", I immediately felt sympathy for the family.
I have the impression that English is not your first language, though you navigate it well and have an extensive vocabulary. There are a couple of things that might smooth out your writing. First, style. For clarity, when a each character speaks, he is given his own paragraph. For example, I might have written paragraph one like this:
It was a sultry day in the garrison town of Metz in the year 1964. Antonio was sleeping in his two-room flat, a tatty house with cheap, plastered walls, the colors peeling off them. He woke up with twitching eyes.
A postman arrived and clinked his bell, "A letter for you sir."
"A letter?" he asked groggily, "what kind, where from?"
"It's from Paris, sent by Earl Charles himself."
Antonio took the letter, his eyes popping, "Oh my God!"
Your descriptions were good, but in one or two places, you say the same thing twice. Example:" I came to know about your excellent expertise in judo and karate and your recent wins..." might read better as I came to know about your expertise in martial arts and your recent wins..., unless you need to be specific about which martial arts, of course.
Also, when you wrote' "He got dazzled while he looked inside the royal palazzo. and ended with Antonio was dazed at the over-abundance of luxury and stood still., I would have changed the first sentence to talk about the room and saved the reaction to the end, as you did: The inside of the royal palazzo was dazzling. ending with Antonio was stunned by the over-abundance of luxury.
I hope this has been helpful and good luck in the contest.
--- Cheryl (Lady Crow)
Your story was complete, which is hard to do in just 100 words. I commend you. I found it funny, gross, and interesting; but it was not, to my mind, a horror story.
I have always considered horror stories as something to arouse fear or, at least, unease. The ooze and the vomit were gross, but that is not enough to scare. If Craig had been pushing the bloated corpse out of the room, with the main character strapped down in its place, that would have been horror to me.
This was a very cute SPEECH, but it was not a story. There was no beginning, middle, end. If you had been talking to yourself or an apprentice and each of these rules of engagement were being taught or told, that would be a story. I do not say this to be harsh, just to state a fact.
I think I understand point number one, written with humor, but point number two was confusing to me.
Now I must point out some technical issues. Punctuation and some word choices are evidence that you posted soon after you finished. It looks like you had fun with this. The speech was littered with simple mistakes like: You could actuality ... and Never talk to long; and sentence fragments like: And it might be a road where you have to bury them.
If you have the time, take a little break after you have written a piece and then, come back and read it over. You will be able to post with confidence as well as pride in your creation. You have a good wit. Keep writing.
Cute story. The pace was good and the dialogue was engaging. No spelling errors or grammar problems detected. However, I had a couple of thoughts that I would like to put past you.
First, because the rest of the diner seemed to be in on the joke (all laughing at the end), you may want to indicate that the restaurant was either a place that they often had lunch together or that your main character recognized familiar faces. Some foreshadow here won't hurt.
Second, “Thank you.” I sit back in my chair and glance at my watch. “I have to be going, mom. Tax season and all.” the main character's reason for leaving (tax season) is an unneeded detail. It does tell me what time of year it is (between January 1 and April 15), but when his mother asks the date, that is the important part.
Third, Standing up I lean down and give her a peck on the cheek. your character is doing two actions at the same time. You can drop the "standing up" or put a comma between it and "I lean down".
Fourth, “Twenty years of ... his hand resting comfortably down the front of his shorts...” is not a pretty picture to present to a son, or the scores of Any Griffith fans that may some day read your story. Do we need this shock to our senses?
Finally, Mom had never done that before. What? Played a joke on him? Made people laugh? Your story was flowing until these last three sentences. Instead of introducing a new idea, and then going over previous thoughts, I guess the appointment with Dr. Macy could wait and most definitely the nursing home. I could not have been happier. perhaps you could just give us his response. His gut reaction. Did he laugh? Did he have to sit down for shock? Did he hug his mother? I believe the story would end more powerfully this way.
P 1: comma between launched and keeping.
If the CCD’s are after subversives, wouldn’t they be on patrol all day? Perhaps you should mention what happens when curfew is broken.
How is this for a suggested rewrite?
P 2: Ravyn watched the darkening street from the third-floor bedroom of her grandfather’s house. She’d come to live with him after the death of her parents, ____ years ago. Titan Station was a rough, dirty place. Long hours working on the docks, the only job she could get without a university education, left her vulnerable to injury and abuse. Absolute state control over the population and a strictly enforced curfew gave the autonomous drones of the CCD the authority to grab anyone that did not conform or comply. There was nothing to recommend Titan Station to tourists, but she would never go back to Earth.
Chapter 2: Ravyn’s age is a factor here. Any age child would want the dog back, but is she old or experienced enough to know that her father hid money or how to procure fake ID and passage? Also, I really liked the revenge she attempted with throwing her ID on Mrs McCreedy’s house, but you told me that she did not know that Mrs. McCreedy had turned her in. You also state that she did not know why her parents were taken away.
P6: You have already told us she has not been there long. Try: Ravyn’s grandfather had once been a strong, proud man. Her father had told her stories of his courage in and out of the war. He once…. (give us some insight to this man). No one in the family could understand when he left to live out his final days in the perpetual twilight of Saturn’s only inhabited moon. Ravyn’s grandfather was still proud, but his health was failing right before her eyes.
This was the perfect opportunity to introduce us to the man who will play a crucial roll in your story. The mention of the limb loss did not tell much except that he was in a war.
Story: If the authorities planned to remove Ravyn from the home, why would they kill the parents? A long imprisonment would seem called for or they might want to kill Ravyn. Chill us with a little more detail that we can accept before we move on. Did they die in prison? Trying to protect Ravyn? Were the parents going to be made an example of what will happen when their children disobey?
Finally, Unless Ravyn stole a fully functioning heart, already in sterile conditions, she would not have been able to sterilize it. My thought was that, with all of her tinkering, she did not have the precise machining capabilities to create the delicate parts or have the instruments required to calibrate the hearts inner workings. If it were easy to create a heart, wouldn’t others be doing it, and supplying a black market?
I think it is good that she is a studious girl, intelligent and determined, but how old is she? How long has she been living on Titan Station?
I hope this has been helpful, just a re-read will show you some of the areas where you either need to flesh it out or take things away.
Before I begin, I want to state that this is my best attempt at an encouraging review. Do not let it stop you from working on this story because I think you have one and it should be finished.
The story, as written, suspends belief. I did not know how she survived his attack because the length of the blades were so long they would have slashed her arms before she could reach his wrists. " His two blades, each almost as long as her forearm, were pointed down aiming for her chest and throat. His brown hair, never longer then his ears, trailed behind him. .... Alisa couldn't dodge but she positioned herself to grab his wrists and avoid the sharp edges." The fight description after that was impossible to believe.
I thought that Logan was too quick to trust her and she him, when he offered to take her to his school and to protect her. It sounds like a possible romance, or at least a friendship, but after three years of hatred on his part and self-preservation on her part, the characters would have had a lot to overcome.
I would like to suggest that you keep the tension between the two characters in the beginning of the story and let the friendship and respect develop naturally throughout your novel. If you want the hunter to take her back to the school, for study (and his surprise over her human need to protect her family) he could capture her. I like the weapon idea, the power of which comes from legacy. Perhaps the hunters have found a way to bind a witch, or he could just threaten to kill her family if she did not cooperate. Either way, she goes back to the school as a prisoner and curiosity.
Under scrutiny and experimentation in front of the students (and behind closed doors) by the faculty, he may find that the two of them are not so different. This will build Logan's admiration and humanize Alisa for him, and your readers. Des could also aid Logan in his sympathy as well as protect Alisa from permanent harm.
If you look into your characters and do not move them too quickly toward your ultimate goal, you can carry your readers along with you. Also, may I point out that you want to give us too much information before we need it. Let your characters tell others the schedule and the expectations of the school to which they attend. Again, all that you want to tell us can flow naturally if you are patient. You may also find that some of the details are distracting and unnecessary.
I hope this has been helpful. I hope that you will stick with it and tell your story.
This was a very good description of a perfect life. However, it did not move me. I liked the division of decades and the idea of the artist using the brush with more and less precision and strength, but I am missing the personalization.
There are no visuals. Am I to connect with the artist, the brush or the canvas? What is being painted, not just how it is painted would give me the opportunity to not only see the technical aspects of the brushstrokes, but experience the art.
If you had described this life as the stages of life with an apple tree I would have liked it better. Your many references to ripeness and maturity made me think of the apple tree. Brushstrokes would be full of color, vibrant or dull; light or dark; bold or pastel.
Tell me a little about the subject of the canvas, the art or the artist by describing what I see as well as the way it was painted. I see "Brush Strokes on the Canvass" as a good rough draft of something more powerful
I really enjoyed the story. The feel was perfect. You kept a smooth pace and eerie atmosphere. The story was compelling and kept me reading from the very first line.
I saw some grammatical and typographical errors. I could point them out, but a re-read by you will probably make them clear.
One part of the story stumped me, though. When was the woman at the party with the victim? You may want to move that to where you talk about her schemes to lure the men. When I read it, it looked like she had found a table with him ON the bridge and then, there were many people where there should have been none..
Did they have sex at the bridge? Unless the ghost is homosexual (and the feeling of the action might be less interesting to it) why is the ghost not a man? If the victim had been female, I would have understood it better.
Finally, does the woman know she is providing souls for the ghost? That is not fully explained and I wonder what she gets out of the arrangement, unless she is a serial-killing sociopath. Do they ever communicate? How can she know when the ghost needs to be fed?
I am sorry for all the questions. I really did like the way you told the story, there were just gaps in my understanding.
This is a very good piece. I liked the emotion and especially when you said, " Your calls are roses but when they end they are thorns. "
There are also a few things that threw me off a bit. First, "beads of blood roll off the severed arms of our perfect family" seemed a bit graphic and out of place, with respect to the language to that point. You could build up to that strong image, perhaps by adding more detail of the idealized life that the child remembers with father.
The dream image in the piece is nice. Do "emerald pearls" have a special meaning to the mother? Images presented to the innocent reader should have a reason for being there. In the beginning, you pile strong images one atop the other, drawing the reader into the child's emotional state. Good job.
Mother is well presented in two sentences, but I do not know what the conversation that she and the child had that "is getting us nowhere". At this point, I feel the emotion rising. The child is becoming angry, experiencing the next stage of grief. More detail, perhaps seeing the happy memories in a more realistic light, might help the reader to make the transition with her. Although she did not like what her mother was telling her, she sees that the woman is being strong. I do not sense any blame directed at her mother, just questioning her own roll in father's decision to leave.
In the final paragraph, The child comes to the realization that the father will not return. I like it. She has accepted it and is now in the final stage of grief. She really can move on, but the reader is left wondering how she did it. How did she dream something happy, her greatest desire, to have her family whole again, only to wake up without that hope?
A strategy that works well in short pieces is to tie the end to the beginning. You give us a strong opening, "Why did Dad leave? That question repeats itself. Hammering it to the inside walls of my head". At the end, you might wrap up nicely by telling us if the hammer is still pounding, or if that has also ended."
Not to be picky, but did you mean to offer another word for toilet when you said' "porcelain toilet"?
Really nice. I encourage you to expound and expand a little for a well rounded piece. I hope I have been helpful.
I liked the pace and image. I really thought that using the sign he was holding as his identifier was a good touch. The last bit concerns me. Why do you refer to "Homeless..." as "the hungry Christ?" I would have thought "child of Christ/God" and I did not feel the break after "safeguards us"
You may want to expand the idea of Jesus' isolation and rejection by those who might have welcomed him in did not, then make the point of how the family inside could look past the man in need "on the sidewalk outside our door"
I liked it, cute story. However, may I suggest that you change the punctuation in the second sentence.
Jon peeked through the dirty window of the cabin watching it, considering its strange behavior with a tightening in his throat. Jon peeked through the dirty window of the cabin, watching it and considering its strange behavior with a tightening in his throat.
Nice. Very Vincent Price. I really liked it until the end.
You end with "my lair," but earlier in the piece you say "the ones I fear most". You also said, "we feel remorse" and "they feel the lust when they err" (I absolutely loved this line).
I read with the idea that the poem was a warning from a person like me, who may have seen or heard of what could happen in the dark. I felt a bit lost with the last line. It lost that spooky aspect of possible tragedy and became immediate danger. It also negated the lines referenced in blue and green above.
I am unable to relate to the speaker on the same level. I realize that the end was supposed to be shocking; but it just didn't fit well for me. I was expecting something more like, "Chained to the wall in some lair"
Other than that one emotional reaction, I liked everything else. The imagery and rhythm were good and your words were well chosen.
This is a good first draft. There are a few misspellings, some grammatical errors and a little repetition in one spot, but overall, your story kept me interested.
The beginning needs a little smoothing out, I see that he passed out but he also heard phone ring. Also, without pressing the playback, he heard the answering machine.
The tension builds as you describe the main character's symptoms. That worked well. It was not until near the end that I suspected that he may be a new vampire. The brother from Ireland was interesting, too. I liked the way he coldly opened the curtains to expose Jonah to the sunlight and then, with great politeness to his sister, accepts the tea she offers.
I liked the idea of the story. In your world, the rebellious psychic chooses to make fantasy into reality for the pretend psychic. I didn't understand the ending on part one until I skimmed part two, which I found in your portfolio.
Over all, you have a good idea, but the grammar, punctuation and spelling need to be addressed. I want to suggest that that you read some of the newsletters on WdC. I have learned so much from them. I had to rate this story a 3, but that should not discourage you. You have a good imagination and, with some minor reworking, you will have a better story.
Your use of words was good in some places. For example: Marken kept his tone calm....as if he was trying to explain algebra to a dullard.
Often, your word choice left me amused: With the cheers of the audience still hovering in his ears... I wondered if the hovering sound ever reached his eardrums walking through a swamp of human cast-offs. I pictured more than just trash on the ground
In both of the above examples, I knew what you meant, but it did not do the job effectively.
More often, I was just confused: thinking to himself that the boy had showed little aptitude when Marken had approached him...
the word aptitude seems misplaced. You never mention the guide again, so I assume you did not mean an aptitude for mind reading or performing. Perhaps "intelligence" would be an appropriate substitute?
There were run-on sentences and problems with staying in the correct tense throughout. Some time spent in editing, especially with a trusted reader to go through it with you, would be time well spent.
I was not clear on why Marken was on the outs with his guild. Also, why did he choose Halmonth? On one hand, it sounds like Marken admires his success and showmanship, but on the other hand, He does not respect him.
Please don't take this as a negative review, the story idea is good.
I liked this piece. The stubborn "less young with each passing day" narrator intrigues. In the first paragraph, you reference "that big B-day" but don't tell me which one it is. Is the narrator 50, 70, 100?
I don't mind the long sentence in the second paragraph, as it is a rant, but I would drop everything in parentheses as it is too distracting. I like the way the narrator's frustration is expressed, but unless she (?) is a writer speaking to writers, the mention of a run on sentence detracts. I see what you've written as appealing to a wider audience.
In the third paragraph, do you mean that you cannot find your memory, or do you mean to say that you cannot find all of the things you've stored away? Grammatically, your sentence currently says your memory is "in all of the stuff..."
I liked the "walk with a third leg" image and "Uncle Sugar" in the next paragraph. Actually, that whole section is very clever (drop one 'a' from away). Images from earlier, like your hair description and the steel trap that I must step in to make work also evoke great emotion.
The last two sentences, "So, for the foreseeable future, I will continue to refuse to get old. I will merely become less young with each passing day." Sum up your idea brilliantly.
The piece got better as I read on. I hope this review has been helpful and positive.
I can see that you are passionate about challenging the establishment and theories that are sometimes taken for truth. You are right to hold someone's feet to the fire and expect them to back up their claims as well as keep an open mind about the greater forces of the universe.
However, to add credibility to your above (for lack of a better description) rant, please argue with something we can sink our teeth into. Select one or two "arrogant philosophies" and walk us through your logic. Reason us out of "our holes conveniently ignored..." I suspect you have some researched opinions of your own that you want us to be passionate about, so use this as an opportunity to be proactive.
Give us more than rebellion and you will have a good essay.
Thank you for sharing your first two chapters.
I like the idea of training young people to defend the galaxy and a special school to train them. Your dialog is lively, and would appeal to a middle school to high school audience.
So far, the only criticism I will offer is to watch your punctuation, grammar and spelling. When you edit, you may want to read the words out loud to yourself to determine where natural breaks (commas) and stops (periods) should occur. Remember that spellcheck will not catch everything. Finally, keep your tense consistent. Sometimes you switch from past to present.
Punctuation example: “Ah! Will this ever be over?” I screamed silently as I sat at my desk gazing out the school window.
There should be a comma between desk and gazing to separate the clause "gazing out the school window".
grammar ex: Earth doesn't really like to communicate with the outside galaxies, their still trying to get use to the thought of other planets.
Try dropping the "their" (which you meant as "they are" or "were") and replacing with one comma. Earth didn't like to communicate with other galaxies, still trying to get used to the thought of life on other planets.
grammar ex: I stopped at my front door and looked around to examine my surroundings, even though it's the year 3,000, earth hasn't changed much sense the 2000s.
This is a run on that would be better written as two sentences. "looked around" and "examined" is redundant, I would drop one. I stopped at my front door and examined my surroundings. It was the year 3000, but the earth hadn't changed much in the last five hundred years.
This is a fine rough draft and you seem to be on the right track. I hope you will post more, best of luck with your story. I hope that this review will encourage you in your writing. You have a good imagination and it sounds like you are very enthusiastic. There is no better combination for a writer.
I read the introduction to your characters from your portfolio.
I like the idea of training young people to defend the galaxy and a special school to train them. Your dialog is lively, and would appeal to a middle school to high school audience.
So far, the only criticism I will offer is to watch your punctuation and spelling. When you edit, you may want to read the words out loud to yourself to determine where natural breaks (commas) and stops (periods) should occur. Remember that spellcheck will not catch everything.
Punctuation example: “Ah! Will this ever be over?” I screamed silently as I sat at my desk gazing out the school window.
Very clever and a good use of words. Your imagery led me from the lust of a new couple (lines 1 - 4) to the settling down together (lines 5 - 11). Then, the progression takes me to the decline in the relationship (lines12 - 15) before suggesting the possibility of infidelity (lines 16 - 23). The last three lines, especially X, lost me.
The message I got was 'desert plants, with a phobia of foreigners copy pictures of desert tortoises' After that, it made less sense.
Good Effort. I liked the challenge you gave yourself. If you can tie the last three letters to the first twenty three, you'll really have something.
-- L C
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/buckeyestar
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 12:28pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
