Key =Red checks are grammar or spelling errors that I found in your writing. =Green checks represent parts of your writing that I really enjoyed. =A blue check means that I have a suggestion for you. If you don't like my suggestions, just ignore them! It's certainly just my personal opinion! =The regular, black check, will be used to show my overall review of your writing.
Review I really loved your opening paragraph. Your descriptions are so awesome and I could really picture the lake and the dock. Nice work with the imagery, here! There wasn't any wildlife for him to photograph and the scenery was bland as hell
This is just a small nitpick, but I'm not sure "hell" works well here. It's a common saying, which, to me, sort of lessens the impact. Besides, I'd imagine hell wouldn't be that bland to photograph! I'm sure I told him at least a hundred times, but I didn't have the right words to express what a warm feeling came over me every time my eyes glanced upon it.
I really love this sentence, but I think that it may be a bit stronger if you replace "what" with "the". I think it just sounds more precise, saying "the warm feeling". This is so sad, in a way. In such a short space, you really allowed me to get a feel of the narrator! {you?) This is well written. You didn't have any grammar mistakes and I really think that this was a well thought out vision. I knew exactly what was being said and I was really overtaken with the imagery and emotion in it. It's amazing how something so simple as a picture and a frame can turn out to be so important to us later. You really captured this essence and put it into words.
Key =Red checks are grammar or spelling errors that I found in your writing. =Green checks represent parts of your writing that I really enjoyed. =A blue check means that I have a suggestion for you. If you don't like my suggestions, just ignore them! It's certainly just my personal opinion! =The regular, black check, will be used to show my overall review of your writing.
Review For the most part, I absolutely loved your rhyme scheme. It didn't seem forced, and for the most part, the flow was excellent. I absolutely love the childhood nature of this poem. You're telling an incredible tale and pulled it off nicely. Plus, I love penguins!! Somewhere that polar bear couldn’t hear good,
But a faraway hill which our 911 would!
Perhaps I'm still not awake, but I'm sort of confused as to what you are trying to say here. The fourth stanza is making sense what I connect it to the rest. 911 would what? Hear good? I think that that's what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure what you're comparing it to, with the word but. I think that phrasing is just strange to me. Perhaps think of another way to say this, so that the reader can connect it instantaneously? This is a pretty well written children's poem. I love it, and I'm not even a child! Your last stanza sums up the life of Margaret well. I really liked how you worded it and used it to end the poem.
Overall, this was a very strong children's poem. Good job and keep writing!
What I Liked But…the screen boots up (mercifully) quickly, saving me from thinking up a reasonable rationalization.
I absolutely love this sentence.
My random mind wonders if science will ever achieve matter transmission as easily.
My mind always wanders to the same funny thoughts,
Corrections
I don't have any corrections for you.
Suggestions No string of improbabilities or rampant bouts of paranoia could tear me away from this game.
I feel like, in order to stay with the tense of the rest of the piece, "could" should be "can"
The Review
I definitely loved this. The entire tone of the piece was so hardcore. I liked that you took something that seems so mundane and made it into the best thing ever.
There were a lot of lines in this that made me really relate.
Besides a couple sentence structure issues this is a really well written and polished piece.
What I Liked Your continued characterization of Adrian is great. I'm learning more and more about him and I really like him. I can totally relate to him, especially with the not wanting to lose control parts.
Corrections You have to be more diplomatic, Stannis and careful.”
I think a comma would work after "Stannis".
Suggestions but he was not the commanding officer by being blind.
This sounds a bit odd to me. Perhaps change it to, "but he did not become commanding officer by being blind."
I noticed that you rated this chapter 13+. I certainly don't mind the sexual content, but I think it should be rated at least 18+ so the reader isn't surprised.
The Review
This is another great chapter in this story. Once again, it was written very well. Your words move smoothly across the page and I never found myself being pulled out my awkward wording or strange errors.
The ending twist was interesting. I didn't expect an erotic scene, and I liked how it actually has to do with the plot, and wasn't like, "Hey, let's write a sex scene!"
I'm really starting to like this little world you've created. I hope to read more about it and continue on in this story.
What I Liked I really like how you just throw the reader right into it here. The first chapter starts with conflict and I think that that really kept me reading. Good job and great beginning.
The actual writing in this story is really good. Your grammar was perfect and everything just flowed nicely. It's a very well written chapter!
Corrections
I couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors in this piece. You did a great job editing!
Suggestions Something had to be wrong, and he was going to be in trouble if he didn't have a good reason for being missing from his post.
This sounds a bit redundant. Perhaps remove the "being" before "missing"?
his lapse would be logged in for review by the first officer.
I wonder if this would read a bit better if you removed "in". Doesn't logged and logged in mean the same thing?
The Review
As I mentioned earlier, the entire chapter really pulled me in. You took a scene, described it well, and got right into the action. I really like that aspect and I think it works well in a first chapter. The reader gets dragged in and the action just hold them there!
The second thing that really stuck out to me was the strength of the characters here. Because you decided to throw us right into a conflict, we're taken there with no connection to the characters. You did well to give great characterization throughout the first chapter, leaving the reader to begin to get a sense of the people we're dealing with here, without breaking the pace of the story. This is actually really hard to do, but I think that you really pulled it off.
My biggest problem with reading science fiction is that sometimes, the author goes crazy with the alien characters and leaves me unable to connect with them, because they are so weird. You haven't done this and I really liked how Kali isn't, like, a lizard. The fact that she's pretty much human, really lets me connect to her, which I liked.
Your writing is very smooth and fluid. You write well and it really shows in this story.
I'll definitely continue reading and reviewing these chapters. You've pulled me in! Good job and keep writing.
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=The regular, black check, will be used to show my overall review of your writing.
I really liked the science theme throughout this poem. It read nicely and I never felt like it was forced. Good job!
No string of improbabilities or rampant bouts of paranoia could tear me away from this game.