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19 Public Reviews Given
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Review by Natalie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi there, your story is really interesting! Great start - you have a way with words.

Suggestions:
I felt like I was being told this story and you know the old adage "show not tell". I think there is so much potential here to make some spectacluar scenes, but I felt rushed through - like someone was trying to tell me a complex story in the shortest amount of time possible.

Example - Aleman and the Trader's Market...I don't feel like I know what it looks like, or what it feels like to be there. I know *what* is there because you've told me, but I don't feel it. The smells, the noise of the people, the crowds, people bargining, the feel of being in the market.

Not sure if this makes sense.

Here's another small example:
"This was topped off with a creamy sauce that offset the hot peppers mingled with the sweet peppers crammed into the pocket with the beef and onions. She bought one for herself, her three servants, and each of her bodyguards. Tasting it, she decided it was her new favorite food."

So let's take a step back and describe the food for a bit.

"The rich aroma of the beef pocket filled her senses. She took a bite and let the warm filling sit on her tongue for a moment. The flavor of the beef and creamy sauce mixed together in an unexpected burst of tangy spice, while the cream soothed the burning of her tongue. She could eat these all day."

Just a bit more involved... we can almost taste the food with her. Hope this illustrates what I was tryin gto get across....

You have a really great story started here, keep it up, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes!
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