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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/brunosaurs4
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22 Public Reviews Given
22 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Walking  Open in new Window.
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Its an interesting story. You've done a good job presenting the 'dream' of the narrator; the slightly vague descriptions and the weird and nonsensical behavior of the narrator and the mouse evoke a surreal atmosphere. It's good and I like it a lot! *Smile*
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Review of The Bridge  Open in new Window.
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Its a great story. I love the haunting, slightly creepy tone, and the way you've described the ghost and its feelings. There are also no spelling or grammar mistakes, good job on that *Smile*
Overall, a great horror story, and I hope you write a sequel to this soon!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I know you wrote this in 2006, and I am reviewing this really late, but honestly, this is one of the saddest, sweetest stories I've ever read. It literally brought tears to my eyes.The old man's devotion to his wife, his determination to take care of her, even in his old age, was really touching, and the way he despairs as her health deteriorates is heartbreaking. You've really captured the anguish a person feels as they see someone they love slipping away. A wonderful piece of writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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4
Review of Red Chicago  Open in new Window.
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You're off to a good start here. Your writing style's engaging and the main character seems relatable. I like the fact that you've kept the description short and the story moving. The only thing is that your paragraph spacing and indentation are inconsistent, at times the paragraphs have spaces between them and at times they're unspaced. It needs to be more regular, makes it easier to read. Other than that it was fine, I hope you write the next chapter soon!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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5
Review of The Hair Stylist  Open in new Window.
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, I came across this on the request a review page. I'm no pro myself, but I hope that my review will be helpful to you.
There are a lot of grammatical mistakes in the story. The premise is good, but due to the errors a lot of the impact has been lost.
Several times, you've mixed up past and present tenses. For example:

"As I stepped into the salon, I noticed that my usual barber is not around. A lean, gaunt, tall & elder man is applying his scissors on a customer."

The tenses here are a bit confused. Since the story is in first-person past-tense, t should read: "As I stepped into the salon, I noticed that my usual barber was not around. A lean, gaunt, tall & elder man was applying his scissors on a customer."

Also

"‘What the hell was done?’,I blurted."

This gives the impression that the job done took place sometime in the past. It should be: 'What the hell did you do?'


In several places the sentence structure is odd. Like:

'mumbled something and beckoned me to sit in a gesture which seemed to be an unfriendly one.' You should just say 'beckoned me to sit with a gesture which seemed unfriendly.'

"The elder barber apathetically discarded and began to manner that he is done with hair cut." This doesn't make much sense. He has to discard something, you could say: 'discarded the complain' instead of just saying 'apathetically discarded'. Also instead to 'began to manner', it should be 'his manner indicated that he was done with the hair cut.

"Barber dusted off the chair without taking his eyes off the resented customer." Again, it should be 'resentful' not 'resented' because it is the customer's feeling you're talking about. Resentment suits the customer, not the barber.

"My head is bulge and asymmetric to the rest of the body by genesis" It should be 'bulging', and I think 'by birth' sounds better than 'by genesis', which just sounds out of place in the story.

'"‘Men were men then. This generation men are a comic’ he sighed and continued ‘your fathers bestowed this responsibility of haircut on us and never suggested anything while we did it.You guys..” he sighed sarcastically as he was helpless about something.'
Here, 'this generation of men are a joke' would be correct and more appropriate. Instead of 'this responsibility of haircut' it should read: the responsibility of cutting their hair'. Also, at the end, 'he sighed sarcastically' should be enough, it conveys to the readers the barber's feeling, without making the sentence lose its natural flow.

‘I know what looks good for this head. Now, do, what I asked you to do’, I roared.
First of all, the end of the sentence needs an exclamation mark, it adds more power and emotion to the man's words. Second, he should be saying 'my head' not 'this head' since he is talking about his own head here.

There are several more mistakes like this, it could do with some heavy editing. However, don't be disheartened; it's your first story, and plot-wise, its good. Just fix the grammar and punctuation, and I think it will be great.

Best of luck! *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Its a powerful start to what appears to be an interesting story, I am usually on the look out for good fantasy stories, and this looks like a good one. The text flows smoothly enough, there aren't any glaring grammatical mistakes or anything like that, which is good *Smile* The main character and the back story also seem fine enough. I'd like to read more of this, it has potential to be really good *Bigsmile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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7
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, came across this story on a random search, and its good. There are a few typos here and there, but overall the story flows pretty well, and you've fleshed out the characters and plot well enough that I'm sufficiently interested in what happens next. It would be great if you continue this story *Smile*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Brunosaurs4 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi. The story’s pretty good. It’s interesting enough, and a definite inversion to the usual ‘aliens chase humans’ by having the humans chasing aliens. More background information would have been good, but I realize that this was the first chapter, and you’ll probably add more later.
The main problems were mainly in spelling and the structuring of sentences. There were some typos, and sometimes it felt that the sentences didn’t flow very smoothly. For example, instead of, ‘Twigs and cockleburs had taken residence in the tresses’, ‘Twigs and Cockleburs had gotten tangled in her tresses ‘ would have worked out better. Try not to be too verbose or descriptive; sometimes, minimal descriptions and simple sentences work out better. Try reading the sentence aloud a few times, see if it sounds right.
Overall, it was a good story, and with some editing, it’ll definitely be an interesting read!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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