Hello, I came across this on the request a review page. I'm no pro myself, but I hope that my review will be helpful to you.
There are a lot of grammatical mistakes in the story. The premise is good, but due to the errors a lot of the impact has been lost.
Several times, you've mixed up past and present tenses. For example:
"As I stepped into the salon, I noticed that my usual barber is not around. A lean, gaunt, tall & elder man is applying his scissors on a customer."
The tenses here are a bit confused. Since the story is in first-person past-tense, t should read: "As I stepped into the salon, I noticed that my usual barber was not around. A lean, gaunt, tall & elder man was applying his scissors on a customer."
Also
"‘What the hell was done?’,I blurted."
This gives the impression that the job done took place sometime in the past. It should be: 'What the hell did you do?'
In several places the sentence structure is odd. Like:
'mumbled something and beckoned me to sit in a gesture which seemed to be an unfriendly one.' You should just say 'beckoned me to sit with a gesture which seemed unfriendly.'
"The elder barber apathetically discarded and began to manner that he is done with hair cut." This doesn't make much sense. He has to discard something, you could say: 'discarded the complain' instead of just saying 'apathetically discarded'. Also instead to 'began to manner', it should be 'his manner indicated that he was done with the hair cut.
"Barber dusted off the chair without taking his eyes off the resented customer." Again, it should be 'resentful' not 'resented' because it is the customer's feeling you're talking about. Resentment suits the customer, not the barber.
"My head is bulge and asymmetric to the rest of the body by genesis" It should be 'bulging', and I think 'by birth' sounds better than 'by genesis', which just sounds out of place in the story.
'"‘Men were men then. This generation men are a comic’ he sighed and continued ‘your fathers bestowed this responsibility of haircut on us and never suggested anything while we did it.You guys..” he sighed sarcastically as he was helpless about something.'
Here, 'this generation of men are a joke' would be correct and more appropriate. Instead of 'this responsibility of haircut' it should read: the responsibility of cutting their hair'. Also, at the end, 'he sighed sarcastically' should be enough, it conveys to the readers the barber's feeling, without making the sentence lose its natural flow.
‘I know what looks good for this head. Now, do, what I asked you to do’, I roared.
First of all, the end of the sentence needs an exclamation mark, it adds more power and emotion to the man's words. Second, he should be saying 'my head' not 'this head' since he is talking about his own head here.
There are several more mistakes like this, it could do with some heavy editing. However, don't be disheartened; it's your first story, and plot-wise, its good. Just fix the grammar and punctuation, and I think it will be great.
Best of luck!
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