I think you have some really raw emotion and sincerity here, and that's something that is special because it can't be taught or learned. Either you have that special sort of touch, or you don't-- and I do believe that you do. So, before I say anything else I thought I'd let you know that for sure, and that you should definitely always foster that sort of honesty in what you do. This is also really relate able-- it's definitely something that lots of people have felt before, so that's always a really good thing, too.
However, so much of this was just sort of stated, which kind of prevented the whole thing from drawing the reader in quite as much as it could have. I think more poetic devices used throughout this rather than just stating would help this out a whole lot. Instead of just saying those things, really explore them a lot more than you have and go into this a lot deeper. You do both of those things with this, and still manage to keep the honesty you have going on here, and I do believe that you can create a piece that will touch a lot of people a lot and mean a lot to all your readers, whether they relate to it or not.
The imagery in this was very pretty, and some of your word choice definitely did do justice to the "dancing" theme and sort of evoked that sort of feeling in this very well. On the other hand, some of it seemed like a stretch for the right rhyming word, which threw a jolt in the whole "dancing" feel of the poem every now and then, which is I think something that's unfortunately easy to do with a poem that rhymes quite as much as this did. Another thing I noticed was that the last stanza seemed very out of place and sudden-- the focus is on the world and dancing, and then all of a sudden you're thrown in there without any sort of warning, which seemed a little out of place, to me at least. All in all, though, this was a very enjoyable read and I'm glad I got the chance to read it :)
I really enjoyed the insight into her life and mind that this provides the reader of the wife. The refrain of "this too shall pass" also sort of seems to do the dual duty of showing a part of her as well as setting the stage for the final development. You managed to make me really care about what was happening to her.
I think sometimes a different way of showing the things that you do instead of merely telling them, though, would add a little more spice to this. Maybe how she gives more and more, and just a bit more development inside this of just what it was, whether a gradual sort of decline or a sudden development that led her to leaving him.
This was certainly worth the read, though. I think it'd be interesting to see a piece from his point of view, too.
One of the things that sort of stood out to me about this was how you managed to write something that was so short, and yet had a feeling of completeness to it. Also, the fact that you managed to take something so short and communicate with it as much depth and meaning as you managed to was also something truly special about this. The surprising twist in the second paragraph also made this a very intriguing read.
There were a few smaller type things I noticed. The first sentence could be rearranged a little as it seems a little clumsy the way it is written right now. For instance, I think mentioning the shaded building alcove earlier on would help-- as it seems right now, it sort of sounds like his eyes are heavy-lidded because of a shaded building alcove. In the third sentence, I think it should be "world's humanity" and not "worlds' " but that''s definitely one of those easy things to do. "Actors faces" later on in that same paragraph should be "actors' " I do believe. The very last sentence should also be done a bit differently, maybe split into two or divided by a semi colon instead.
I really enjoy the message of this and the uplifting ending. The tone of the whole piece was just genuine and sincerely caring, and sometimes it can be hard for me to feel the sincerity of a piece that rhymes just as much as this did. You certainly did this justice.
However, I think some of the rhymes in this seemed to me to be a little bit of a stretch and turned some of the phrasing a bit awkward. For example, the "an ache can last for many a day," line. I also think that perhaps some metaphors and the like would add a bit more of a punch to this and add even more depth and power to what you already have here.
But still, this was most certainly worth reading so I'm glad that I did.
The very first line was most certainly a really intriguing way to start this, no doubt about that. I also really appreciated the style of writing you have here. The sort of conversational tone of it makes it really engaging and easy to read. It definitely drew me in, for sure, and the way you handled the description of Fun Zone was also humorous.
On the other hand, there were definitely grammatical errors that were a little distracting. The capitalization for the screaming also personally distracts me, but that might be one of those personal things. I would be careful in how you handle the whole guy thing that appears to be developing-- I do see how that could risk being cliche, and I'd hate to see a piece with promise descend into that.
I think if this was rewritten some, for grammar and other content, and perhaps a little more added so the development of this doesn't feel as jolting and sudden as it does, I think you could do a lot with this. Certainly a nice little start of something you have going here. :)
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