I could see this as a movie, combined with another story in this category I read called "Wedding vs. Marriage" that was a comedy/disaster road trip story in and of itself. I might have to write that and see what both of you think when I am done. I really enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing.
FANTASTIC! I am totally speechless, except that was excellently written. I had to because I used to live in upstate New York, lol. There were a few inconsistencies, but otherwise an EXCELLENT story. You knew the true end of the story after it was finished. Powerful.
"Of course, she would never let him know that. Although he had an inkling of her feelings at one point early on" needs to be one sentence:
"Although she would never let him know it, he had an inkling of her feelings at one point."
I think this way shows how precious this "puppy love" is between them and what is going on in each of their minds.
Also, in my opinion, since they are 9 during the 20-second hand-holding, I would think he would tell her "I think I need to go home" instead of "This is so boring".
The reason is you say "his face was veiled by a curious shade of red" and then you say "he bolted from the living room towards Sarah’s front door."
He wants to get out of there because of how nervous it was making him! Going home to mommy is the perfect escape. Who can argue about mommy?
I don't think Mrs. Nicholson is important at this point because there really was no reference to her before playing house. As much as he wanted to be gone, I think niceties would be FAR from his mind, much less shutting the door. I my opinion, leave her out and the door wide open. She takes away from the mood of that moment.
"She stood along a row of multicolored lockers that had lost their luster long before she was born, when Tom snuck up behind her." This is a comma-splice and the sentense needs no comma between "born" and "when". It flows just fine without it. Wow. I actually learned something in my high school English class.
"But early in the morning, it still seemed to have a hint of the pride it once possessed when it first opened four generations ago. A pride that slowly dwindled each time a student wrote on a locker, desk or bathroom wall."
There needs to be a comma after "ago" because you're still talking about the pride of the school. The "A pride" sentence is incomplete.
"In the morning, before the students arrived, it took its deep cleansing breath to get it through another day as its halls echoed with rumors, jealousy and the angst of teenage popularity: either because you were popular or because you wished so much to be so."
AND
"They began walking down the empty hallway to their homeroom. They were always at school earlier than most of the students. There was something they both enjoyed about being there while it was nearly devoid of teenage life."
Need to come together because they are alluding to the same thing. Here's my take with your words:
"They began walking down the empty hallway to their homeroom. There was something they both enjoyed about being there before the (other) students arrived. (Even the hallways) took deep, cleansing breaths to get through another day of rumors, jealousy and the angst of teenage popularity." What do you think?
Going back to make my suggestions just brought it more to life and made me enjoy it even more. I hope you take my suggestions. I know I said a lot. But this story kept my attention and made me feel for them at the end. Love at last...then lost. Excellent writing. Got any more?
This is an honest and insightful article with a warning that cannot be ignored. It is unfortunate what happened to Bill and I hope it wakes everyone up before they think they can handle the ghetto.
One thing I would recommend is the removal of the mention of crossbows. That, in and on itself, could serve as its own full-length article and is equally worthy of attention. To mention it toward the end somewhat takes away the focus of what the article started talking to us about: the ghetto is a scary place. Keep this theme throughout, then write another article exclusively talking about crossbows at ITS dangers and tell-tale signs to which we need to pay special attention.
Thank you for writing this piece. It belongs in a lot of newspapers and magazines that those who aren't in the know will be after reading this.
Wow! I don't know if it was your intent to make me laugh, but you did. I don't think the laughter comes from anything humorous, per se, but from the truth behind what was said and the ability to emphasize with you on what you cover in this. I could imagine John Cleese or Eric Idle delivering this and the point really come through loud and clear.
That last paragraph could be broken up, though. i'm sure the thought was racing through your head and you had to writie it down before you forgot it and I'm glad you captured it. But break it up some. To me, it will sink in better. Thanks again for the glimpse into your mind on the subject of "like" and "love".
This is another insightful essay on love, taking it to the avenue of what love DOES as well as what love is. The romantic is discussed, but I like the practicality of what was written as well. I read it over about 3 times. I guess I had something to learn, lol.
In the writing structure, there are a number of redundancies. In the beginning, you said "Love is an action verb. It is not a state of being verb (state-of-being is the proper way to write it. It is an adjective, just like action is). " the redundancy come with the next line: "Love requires actions on our part." You already stated love is an action verb. That statement alone can stand on its own, calling us to think "do I show love?" There is no need to repeat it here, but in another part on the piece like you did toward the end. It is perfect right at the close, reiterating that first line.
When you talk about "One difference we've all encountered is the difference in how men and women speak. Sometimes, it’s as if we speak two different languages," difference and/or different is repeated too many times, to me. I run into this problem alot and got to know Roget's Thesaurus INTIMATELY.
In the second sentence you may drop "the difference" and just flow wiith the rest. In the third, you may want to change it up, saying "It's as if we don't speak the same language". That sentence could tap into recurrances we've had within ourselves when there was a frustrating moment between us and our signifcant other and this is what we say to ourselves. Do you see what I mean?
Thank you again for taking time to educate us and getting us to think (and rethink, in some cases) about love and how we need to take action.
This was the perfect (if not THE only fitting scenario) that would go along with a crazy assortment of things to incorporate into a story.
For me, the opening sentence was kind of confused. I know what you were trying to convey with that because, sometimes, it's like that for us deep sleepers. Maybe something like this:
"Today was NOT the day to have been in a deep sleep.
"My alarm clock usually breaks thru my slumber with the ferocity of a roaring lion to remind me I DID want to start my day properly. But I was in a deep sleep, and instead the bleeping barely came thru like a cat tip-toeing in the carpet in the house. Once I see the time, I jump out of bed IN alarm as I realize I'm going to be late AGAIN! And why is it, in this state of emergency, my cat seems to always be under foot? I don't have time for this chaos! The good news was I set out the suit that DID NOT need ironing the night before and hung it on my closet door. I mentally give myself a high-five as I run into the bathroom. Who needs morning exercise? My first five minutes of the mornng were enough!"
Of course, in a word crunch, we can't get that creative, but it shows what's happening in a more difinitive fashion. Do you see what I mean?
Also, in the scene with the broken umbrella, I think saying good morning to the security guard instead of thanking him would work better. What was he being thanked for? considering she was drenched from head to toe AND her umbrella was now broken, it would've added more humor to this scene because she was having a HARD morning. Do you see what I mean?
I like the twist with the unexpected promotion to vice-president. She needed that good tidbit of news.
I hope my suggestions help in fine-tuning this and other pieces you write. Keep at it! You're on your way!
I like the "gladiator" twist you brought to the game of tennis. It is a constant battle out there on the court and I think Venus, Serena and the rest would appreciate how you portrayed this combat of racquet, ball, and player.
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