\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/broski
Review Requests: OFF
3 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Broski Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey there, Tom,

I wanted to focus mainly on your prose, and what better place to start than the beginning.

The first few paragraphs seem to have unparallel sentences. For instance, in this sentence, "I'm John Carter. My NetLink number is 635769-22-1. I'm all alone now, and I only have a short time left to write my story. The clock on my desk softly ticks away the seconds, reminding me of my destiny" (Buckley), there is apparent intensity in whatever John Carter will be writing and the focus on the soft ticking clock makes it all the more dramatic.

Now, here in the paragraph's last sentence is somewhat of a bad interjection. You write, "Fortunately, my laptop still works" (Buckley). The use of "fortunately" as an interjection in the sentence already acts as a extra word (it doesn't really have to be there, unless it's carrying a lot of weight). What follows after isn't very compelling compared to the prior sentences, either. Try to imagine one of the Founding Fathers explaining the importance of the constitution to one of his buddies, and then finishing the conversation with, "Luckily, I have something to write this thing with."

I saw unbalanced sentences here and there throughout the work so just keep an eye out for your prose! Sometimes we throw akward sentences into our work thinking that the "akwardness" will sound compelling to the reader. I do it myself all the time. Any questions just send me an email. This was a great piece and I loved the story structure as a whole. Keep writing!

-Ryan
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/broski