If I review will this encourage (guilt) you into posting more?
I really enjoy reading your blog, it's funny and very refreshing. You always leave me smiling and you have a down to earth take on things that I really relate to. So yeah, did I mention you need to post more? Maybe? Annoying yet? Because I can try harder... oh trust me, I can try harder. Mwahahaha
I enjoyed this very much! Vivid and captivating! A few things of note:
Upon reaching the age of majority (not sure if this was the word you intended to use. Perhaps maturity?) she was cut loose from the system, one of many to fall through the cracks.
That was pretty much the only 'fault' I noticed, actually lol. I greatly appreciated your description of your character; beautifully done. The comparison of her hair to the pin on her bag was perfect and vivid.
A job well done, thank you very much for sharing this.
The Noble Vagrant was looming over its next victim, blood red sails dwarfing its catch. The dark hull of the ship has long since rotted, yet still screams power at its enemies. Rows upon rows of rusted cannons jut proudly out of purposeful gashes in its hull, an unmistakable warning this is not the Nobles ship it once was. Even with all the violent transformations, the boat still kept the grandeur spawned only by a world renowned crafter.
Some tense confusion here and it continues prominently through the piece.
..like his ship, Baeron wore what could only be described as a Nobles outfit, worn and stained from countless battles, but keeping its aura of power and pride. -An awkward phrasing, may consider tinkering with it a bit.
You seem to have a strong basis for your story and characters, and I enjoy to premise of the ships but with the inconsistent tense it's hard to really 'get into' your story. But with some tweaking that can be easily remedied! Thank you for your story and I enjoyed reading it.
I straightened up and looked around, thankful to see that there was no one nearby to witness my brief but faltering argument with gravity.
Loved this line; clever and entertaining.
My stupid co-workers, whom I loved dearly, had thought it would be a great idea to bring me therehere in celebration of my divorce.
Tense change.
I have seen people addicted to alcohol.
I enjoyed this piece, though it drug on in places. You might consider separating the two chapters into two Static Items.
Your character had a strong voice, it was easy to get a feel for her personality and the reasoning behind her actions. I think your strongest suite here is your dialogue. It was believable and flowed well.
There were a number of places where your tenses changed or wording was missing.
Astor stood just inside the apartment door, her face empty of any emotion. Behind her, her Aunt and Uncle, two people she didn'thadn't even known existed a week before, stood waiting.
Astor waited without a word, for her to dry her eyes.
- Might sound better like; Astor waited for her eyes to dry without saying a word.
"Hm?" She opened her eyes to find the sky had grown dark and they were parked outside a large Victorian mansion. "Where are we? What happened?"
- may want to put something in there to separate the time jump; it was kind of jarring as a reader.
His mouth was full of perfectly lined, tiny white teeth that shinedshone in the moonlight.
Alright, I did like this, has definite potential. You're very talented at creating believable dialogue between your characters. The only thing you're really missing is description. I don't really have a feel for what your characters are suppose to look like. How do the twins look? What does her friend Andi look like? What about Astor herself? I wanted to know what her apartment looked like and maybe a fond memory or two -or a bad memory. Unless you plan or revealing it later, it would have been nice to know what had happened to her mother.
I enjoyed this, despite what I would consider a lack of vizulation, you still managed to draw me in. Keep up the good work.
Bri*Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I thought this was a very solid start. You really introduced Astor well, she has a distinct voice. I felt immediate sorrow and pity for her as she spoke about going back to school and how happy she was only to find her mother passed out and back on drugs. I'm curious to read more, to follow her struggles and hopefully see her better off then she is now. I didn't notice any obvious flaws and everything seemed to flow well. Typically I would want to see more description of surroundings and people but those things aren't necessary for a Prologue so I'll reserve my judgment.
This definitely grasps a readers attention, a job well done.
High five co-winner! This is amazing! I feel bad (almost hehe) for taking half the prize! This was so very clever and entertaining. Thank you so much for sharing this and I hope you don't hold my share of the winnings against me. Hope to see you around!
So if auto won’t start or you’re otherwise stuck,
you can get an assist from the back of the truck.
Atlas shrugs at the world if the motors won’t go,
which is why he gives thanks for the Spirit of Tow.
Loved that bit!
Bri Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This was interesting. I really enjoyed the dialogue between your characters! Very well done, amusing and believable. The writing is solid with a distinct voice (your voice I imagine ).
The only real issue I noted was a few run on sentences or sentences which could have been worded or situated better. For instance:
When the car doors had been slammed, and the dark cow-grid had safely been crossed;, and when the sounds of the cool night had resumed again their proper order; Mr.Spools put his arm around his wife and they walked side by side.Together they proceeded the last few steps across the yard and into the warm and waiting house.
My favorite bit had to be:
She had meant to fill in with the words "s***ting hell" but the danger having passed as quickly as it came, she got no further than the first syllable before realising that she'd overreacted.
It was very relatable and funny!
I also enjoyed;
Another lamppost loomed and receded.
I realize that's a rather simple statement but I enjoyed the imagery!
You also may want to format the piece again, a few of the paragraphs feel disjointed while reading, a minor thing. Overall I really enjoyed this piece and it was very amusing! Thank you for sharing and I'll see you around!
Bri Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Loved this. Such a simple comparison but a powerful one.
I do not see
who is driving the truck
or the road ahead
because I am focused
on yesterday's crops.
This passage reminded me of a feeling I think we all have at some point, that we aren't truly in control of our own lives; that someone else is driving, as it were. I really enjoyed this, thanks so much for sharing!
So I did enjoy the premise of this; you have a good idea in Ulrich and I haven't read many stories with 'good' orcs or similar beings. I appreciated the inclusion of his wife and their dynamic as well.
However, I do think this piece could use some improvement. A few examples of where your writing became difficult to follow
Dazed from the impact of the falland weakened from the loss of blood, it took him a moment to get his bearings.
He glanced back to see if he could hoping to catch a glimpse of his pursuers; it was then he noticed the large crimson stain in the snow where he'd fallen.
Mordak fell to the ground with a resounding thud. Fear was replaced by a bone numbing cold and a deep, weary gratitude that he was finally able to rest. Then his world went black. -played around with and added to this sentence
"tree hugging pacifist orc,” This doesn't sit well with the rest of your story. I'm gathering from the orcs that this is fantasy piece so it is disrupting when you draw terms from our modern day slang to describe things. I guess jarring would be a good word.
He noticed a couple (couple what? warriors? tribesman? kinsmen?) with bloody bandages, and quickly discovered the cause of their wounds as he took in the human man tied and slumped against a nearby by tree.
I originally enjoyed the premise of Ulrich but as he interacted with his own kind I found it harder to 'believe'. Even if he really was so strong it seems unlikely that such a violent race as you portray these orcs to be would tolerate his presence. You portray him as being smarter than the rest of his kind, how? Where did he acquire this higher level of intelligence?
I like the relationship that you are trying to describe between your two main characters but again, Ulrich simply walking up and freeing him seems sketchy. Why not have him wait until a more opportune moment to free him instead of surrounded by others? Or maybe have him use his higher intelligence to trick the others into setting him free as to not draw suspicion.
Again, good premise but could use some work. Thank you for sharing this and keep writing!
Bri Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
-I liked your characters name, Ginx. it made me smile at the word play.
-I enjoyed the image of his new role as a keeper of the temple.
This piece does really need some work however. There is very little description in this, and almost nothing to draw a reader in. Your first sentence/paragraph should grip your reader and pull them under your writing spell.
Something like:
Ginx woke to a day that seemed like any other, in the comfortable house of his father, nestled in the heart of their peaceful village. He never would have guessed, as he stretched in his bed languorously, that his entire life was about to change.
Don't tell a reader about someone or something, show them. Describe the building as he walks through it searching for his father. Who else is there? What are they doing? What does he smell or hear on his journey?
Bri Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Oh my, I liked this a lot. I'm sure so many of us writers can relate to a piece like this; brings back memories of works in progress w've almost given up on or a book we set aside because we didn't think it was good enough, I know it did for me! Has me feeling properly guilty!
This was my favorite passage:
I tried to tell you it would be fine, but you never listened. I won almost all the awards for you. You dwelled on the ones I lost. Your dwelling upset you. You started to visit me more, but something had changed, you looked at me differently. The love and devotion in your eyes was subdued, pushed aside by a new, lustful, ugly look.
It was a very strong image! I had to read it several times I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for submitting this!
Keep writing and I'll see you around!
Bri Star
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Oooooo, I liked this. It took a bit for it to draw me in, but your portrayal of Bradan was superb, I was instantly drawn to him. Your description of his 'great escape' was enthralling and I was on the edge of my seat hoping he would get away!
That being said; there were a number of grammatical errors and some tense changes that threw things off. I wish I could highlight areas and comment on them! Some of your sentences could be improved with a semi-colon or comma; there were times when the flow felt just a little off.
Over all I really enjoyed this piece! It was a great read and I found myself pulled into Bradan's plight and eager to know what role this Arch Druid has to play! Thank you!
BriStar
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
-You have a good grasp on your characters; Casey has a distinct personality and presence with Victoria as a nice counter.
-I can sense a well thought-out premise here with a lot of effort put into its planning. A reader likes to feel that they are immersed in a world as detailed as their own and you do a good job of eluding to that.
-I enjoyed the ending, it was well written and intriguing.
That being said, I had a pretty hard time getting through this. There are a lot of grammatical errors that make reading the piece difficult. The very first sentence was hard to decipher.
"The Bastard of Haven eased into the room a red light reflected of the thick lotus smoke that filled the room making it an obscure moving wall"
Should look something like;
"The Bastard of Haven eased into the room, red light reflected off the thick lotus smoke which hung thickly in the air and created an obscure moving wall."
I noticed the improper use of 'you're' several times.
You also slip from third to first person a few times, I'm not sure if this was done purposefully but it is confusing to follow.
Over all I believe this piece has real potential but could use a thorough round of editing and some sprucing. Keep writing and thank you for sharing!
Things I liked: I enjoyed Kate, she had a distinct and well portrayed personality. I found myself wanting to know more about her and curious of her background.
Things I didn't like: Though not really relavent to your writing, I think you should take some time to space out the piece, it's all sort of jumbled together which makes it a tad hard to read.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 7:22pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Star
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Bri*Star
).