Hi Nicholas,
Ghost stories are one of my favourites, and your story opened up some interesting perspectives from a ghost point of view. The settings you put Spencer in, observing the accident from on high, watching his own death, his own body in the recovery room were well chosen and gave the story character.
Some edit points:
`She remained silent.' - thought this might be elaborated e.g. `whimpering'. I wondered why Stacy screamed in the first place. On the first reading I thought it was spook or phantasm in the shower. Then I thought perhaps she saw him, but that does not fit in. Lastly, I considered, because this is a prologue, it is to be a mystery to be revealed. But this does not seem acceptable at the start of a narrative. Maybe there could be some indication that this spontaneous emotional outburst is related to Stacy reflecting on his death. She might utter his name (perhaps confusing him to his missing existence, yet again. Maybe she has received the mystery text (but I think you may have something else in mind for that).
`Spencer (continued his) reached (towards) for her again, but almost had a heart attack(;) -- his hand passed...' - you have already stated he stopped reaching for her. Thought that a dash might be better for the last clause, sort of a resolution of consternation. I wondered also about `heat attack' considering he's dead, but it is a figure of speech (as he feels nothing) and might have been `almost dropped dead' or some other intimation of shock - it serves to add to the humour.
`Spencer was now standing on a building,...' - `was now' has a bit of the taint of the author observing and telling. Suggest take from character point of view e.g. Spencer found himself standing...'
It was night, and there were very few stars in the sky...' - As there is a full moon, I thought he would remark on this first, or only, as it has over-riding prominence. Suggest reverse in order of mention. Also thought you might be able to avoid `it was' - perhaps something like `A full moon illuminated the street below...' or something.
`...down (there) and see who stole his vehicle, but stood in amazement as he saw it was him. Spencer was driving the car, and also watching him drive it.' - suggest drop `there' A few things: Wondered whether you couldn't incorporate the last clause and sentence. The last sentence, just seemed to me a bit explanatory. Maybe something like - `He stood in amazement as he saw it was (a version of) him behind the wheel (of his beloved car /vehicle/`pet name').
`...and he watched (from the building) as it caught fire.' - this has been established in reader's knowledge - suggest omit.
`He (then) looked down at his own car...' - suggest omit - author intrusion.
`Spencer watched (from the building)....' - maybe `from above' would be an alternative.
`...into the building adjacent (from where he stood). - suggest omit as this is implicit to `adjacent'. You may want to swap the adjective and noun, but it is ok as is.
`...school bus just kept moving down the street...' - this seemed weak description - `just kept moving' seems to indicate an irrepressible force associated with the bus - perhaps - `continued unchecked' - just a suggestion. Also with the descriptions, there has been no mention of sounds, I don't know if this is intentional. Spencer has heard previously.
`...on to the street.' - `onto'
`Instead of going to see his own body and wrecked car,...' - wondered why `instead' was necessary. Gives the impression of someone assessing his behaviour i.e. what he should have done. Suggest something like `He ran past/ignored his dead body and wrecked car to find the tossed (ejected) cellphone.'
`Even with the smashed screen, Spencer still tried to pick up the cellphone, and when he got a grasp of it, he picked it up. But he didn’t actually pick up the physical form of the cellphone; he picked up a “spiritual” version of the phone and just looked at it.'- this paragraph becomes fairly confusing for the reader. Although I can see you want to convey Spencer's difficulties and disbelief, the hesitancy and repetition doesn't work for me. I would suggest being simpler and clearer. You don't need to mention the smashed screen again, he is picking it up despite this - the reader already knows. Maybe although he picks up the phone, he sees the phone remaining where it lay and another in his hand. But aside from that perhaps something like `Spencer picked up the phone, or thought he did, until he saw it still laying on the grass verge, and in his hand/(glancing at his hand saw) a `spiritual' version.'
`...put it back (in) its physical shell...' - `shell' or `self' - you know I had to suspend belief re cellphones having an afterlife (outside of recycling).
`Instead of blacking out,...' - wondered if necessary, or advised. The sentences prior to this accentuate the idea of light. Thought the start of this sentence a bit like a dip in that road.
`....helicopter pad came (rushing up) rapidly...' - just suggestion
`it still (felt like it) hurt - seemed superfluous - suggest omit
`Spencer looked around the room that he (now) hovered in. (it) It was the room he had been recovering in after the crash.' - suggest omit `now'. I thought that these sentences might be combined i.e. hovering in the recovery room.
`...But Spencer knew her,...' - wondered about this. Why doesn't he recognize her, when later he recognizes Stacy and his mother, yet here he watches the woman and does not know her?
`...after his (now) lifeless...'
`Spencer seemed to have teleported to...' - suggest `seemed to have' castes doubt (even on the reliability of author). I think you mean that to Spencer it seemed as if he had been transported. Can I suggest that such refinement doesn't matter, and just have him teleported. e.g. `Spencer teleported to another location...'
`...Spencer spun (around)... - `around' was used in the previous sentence
`Spencer’s graveyard.' - This is only my opinion and many may disagree, but I think `His graveyard.' would be more personal and self-reflective.
`The majority of the crowd, mainly women, were crying. ( was crying, mainly women.)
`...tried to rake the dirt with his fingers.' - why is he doing this, anyway? If it is only his permeability you wish him to discover, he could lean on the tombstone. Begs the question though as to why he wants into the coffin?
`The ground below the coffin started to light up, spreading like vines on speed ...like a shy animal, and the ground exploded with it.' - great imagery in this paragraph.
pile of dirt (- which was his grave) '- suggest omit, the reader is up to speed.
I wasn't sure about the ending dialogue with the spectre of `God'. The conversation was logical and understandable, but how it affects the story going forward it gives little indication. But there is mystery in the question 'Do you want the real experience?'
I enjoyed the story. The predicament/state Spencer finds himself in and the confusion he experiences, as he progresses through what could be described as his last stages on Earth. I wrote a story with a similar context called `Dead Reasoning', so I can understand some of the problems involved i.e. the setting of `rules' e.g. perspective, he can hear, but the living cannot hear him, he can see but not be seen etc. Difficult to work around in terms of interaction.
The piece represents a good hook to a longer narrative. It is intriguing from several respects, and there is the promise of an new individual treatment of ghost territory. I hope some of my points help. Once I start editing I feel have to keep going. All above are suggestions, you know best what you wish from your story.
All the best
Brian
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