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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bowling_shoe
Review Requests: OFF
1,117 Public Reviews Given
2,085 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a submissions editor for Uncanny Magazine, and years of slush reading has given me strong opinions about what works and what doesn't in short fiction. My reviews are my impression only: opinions about what worked and what needs help.
 
 
My schedule doesn't allow me many reviews. A non-response from me is a "No." Sorry!
 
I write because I have to. I review because I want to get better at writing and reviews are a good way to do that. My average rating hovers in the 3s, so a 3 from me really is "average."
 
I don't know where anyone got the idea that average is "BAD." We're amateurs, most of us--average isn't bad at all! *Bigsmile*
 
I try to be as helpful as I can; five stars on something I didn't enjoy and think could be a lot better isn't helpful. You can get that in other places, but you can only get my completely unvarnished opinion right here. *Smile*
I'm good at...
Dialogue, plot, and pacing issues are things for which I can offer the most comprehensive help. My grammar's not perfect holy cow bad, and I do fall into the trap of preferring to sound correct than look correct all the time. I'm a stickler for character consistency and I love stories with compelling people making tough decisions. I read a lot of professional mags, so my expectations are high.
Favorite Genres
I live and breathe science fiction, fantasy, horror, and other speculative fiction in its many manifestations. I have a preference for the weird or eccentric. That said, I'm up to my gills with revenge themed horror, so do not send me any.
Least Favorite Genres
I super don't like: formed poetry or rhyming couplets. I'm not interested in and WILL NOT review stories for very young children nor Biblical-themed writings.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories are my expertise and all I have time to read. When I have time to read at all. Sorry!
Least Favorite Item Types
I loathe formed poetry or rhyming couplets. Rhyming couplets need to be really clever and often, they're not. I don't review for Hallmark. I'm also not your pick for nonfiction.
I will not review...
*novels or series. DO NOT send chapters. They require more intensive reviews than I'm able to give.
 
Any novel reviews in my Recent Reviews list come from WYRM Open in new Window..
 
*I don't review religious/spiritual works of any kind except within the context of science fiction and fantasy or other speculative fiction.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Cringe.  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi, Mike!

This story got my attention with a quick pivot to the action!

Ultimately I felt like it really didn't work with the setting or the given title, though.

For one thing, while you've chosen a great symbolic event, a wedding, which works well to create a scene of high drama, it doesn't really make sense to me why the unnamed couple would endure all the way to their wedding without a hint of strife beforehand. Weddings are incredibly expensive to put together, even small ones. To go through all the trouble of putting together a wedding, if the husband-to-be is secretly gay, makes very little sense to me as a reader. I didn't find that believable.

Additionally, this story follows a really harmful and untrue trope about gay people; that they are deceitful or lying in some way. It doesn't make any sense here for the character to be gay at all. It would make some sense for them to be bisexual, but a lot of people ignore the fact that bisexual people even exist, and there are many harmful tropes about bisexual people lying or being indecisive as well, so that's still a problem. I feel like I'd find it more believable that he is seeing someone in the wedding party on the side, but overall cheating-future-husband is kind of a flat characterization, I'd love to see something more original.

I also didn't buy that the guests at the wedding would just stand by and let this stuff happen without stepping in to help calm the bride down or try to prevent her from making a huge mistake like murdering someone in plain sight in front of a roomful of witnesses. That's at least second degree murder. Additionally, depending on where she stabbed him, the blood probably wouldn't drip slowly, it's very fluid stuff, especially right after an incision.

I liked the idea of setting a story with a revelation in the wrong place at the wrong time with a title like "Cringe", but I really wanted more emotion from it so that I could cringe along with the characters. I didn't quite get enough of an emotional connection to them, in part because they were never named, but also because I didn't really believe the circumstances of the cringeworthy revelation. I think you started with a good idea by taking the story to a place of intrigue but it might need some more development to help your reader identify with the characters and their difficulties more. *Smile*

Take care and Write on!
jay


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Just a Pinch  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Than Pence Author Icon!

Thanks for entering The Writer's Cramp Open in new Window. today! I thought this was a fun piece to read. The repetition of "just" in the first pair of rhyming couplets was a little jarring to read out loud, so if you are planning to go in and revise this piece later, you may want to update it! I also noticed another instance of "just" misspelled "jut" in the fourth pair of couplets. The couplets themselves flow well and make good, sometimes unexpected rhymes. *Smile*

Take care and Write on!
Jay


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of April Showers  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Chris Breva Author Icon!

Thanks for entering The Writer's Cramp Open in new Window. today! I thought this was a nice devotional poem.

You did a good job of finding something to tie the symbolism together, by using imagery of flooding and rivers, though I didn't really see the immediate connection, as I think of rain showers as being that light rain which helps the grass and greens to grow.

I think this would actually be a stronger piece without the limitations of the Cramp prompt, to be honest! I think you could edit those out as the contest is finished and expand the testimonial to be even more powerful without having to hinge it on the old folk colloquialism about showers and flowers. Nice work!

Take care and Write on!
Jay


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, eyestar~* Author Icon!

Thanks so much for entering The Writer's Cramp Open in new Window. today! I really thought this poem did a fantastic job capturing the sensory details of a spring rain and the many things it does.

I did find this a little hard to read because of the font color and the novelty font, which made all the lines crammed together a little tough to focus on! I'd suggest to use wider linespacing {linespace:1.6}{/linespace} -- I would suggest trying 1.6, 1.8 or even double spacing just to give it a little room to breathe if you want to keep it in the cute colors and so on.

In all other ways, this was a joy to read and I really liked it!

Take care and Write on!
Jay


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review of Small Moments  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi there, JW Fiction!

Thanks for asking me to review this! I have had to decline a lot of pieces recently as I simply have not had the time or emotional bandwidth, but I was intrigued by your question and the premise of the story drew me in well enough that I can give you some thoughts on it. I will advise that in my tenure as a submissions editor I'm a lot brisker than I used to be, so I urge you not to take any of this personally. It's all about the story from here on in!

*Thought* The overview, as I see it: a world where one's "expiration time" is set is definitely not the most original concept, but I think this story's given it something that pulls the reader in to want to know more, and the characters on the page are interesting. That said, I think the delivery of the opening three or four paragraphs really don't immerse the reader well at all, they're just there to explain the world, which feels a little redundant since you're playing with a common trope. Trust your reader to put the pieces together here because I think it will pay off.

*Thought2* I really didn't engage with this piece until I had Liz on the page. I think her plight is interesting, and I feel like exploring her in detail is probably worth doing here.

*Thought* Status quo, this feels like more a vignette than a story; there's an arc, but it's short and doesn't really feel like it's resolving much. I think that goes to your question, which was: I would appreciate any advice on whether or not I have enough to build on. Thanks!

And the answer is: I think you have an interesting concept and intriguing characters, but you need a spark of something that's a little more substantial. It's worth the time if you want to put the work into it. (A story you really believe in is always worth it, if it gets to be what you want it to be by the end.)

I can't say what that would be, because it's unclear from context how much longer a piece you want this to be.

Merely "longer than flash?" If so, flesh out the opening so that Daisy is as compelling as Liz, so that both of them are not merely two people experiencing the same premise from different angles.

Longer than a short story? Status quo, the premise is too thin and the inherent conflict of the milieu (Knowing When You Will Die!) is a little too much of a trope to hang a longer work on without really doing some legwork. It's not impossible, but I'd say this is a place where brevity would serve you well as it allows the delicate suspension of disbelief, provided you keep the pacing fast enough.

All in all, I did enjoy reading this! I think you have a lot to work with! I would say, in this case, that using bold strokes and pacing, especially in the opening to establish setting thorugh the character's viewpoints more directly rather than spelling out the worldbuilding verbatim, will help keep the tension required by the setting that will help you to give your characters a little more intrinsic motivation.

All the best,
Jay


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Slippery Slope  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, michaelk2 Author Icon!

I thought this story of a very serious, twisted lie from a celebrity was an interesting take on the given prompt. I liked that there was a layer of deceit woven into the early opening dialogue, and that most of the details were unveiled in a way intended to make the reveal surprising. (In this case, it really wasn't that surprising to me, especially as the details unfurled, and I felt like the reason for her murder was really overdone and unjustified, but that's a personal bias that comes from having already read a lot of crime tales where similarly weak reasons for murder are given. So I was not terribly sympathetic to Kevin long before his behavior is actually revealed.)

I feel like the ending of this is ultimately unsatisfying to me as a reader, perhaps in part because of the excellence of the beginning. being that the ultimate resolution of the piece ends up being kind of a shoulder-shrugging humdrum response to murdering his own girlfriend, the complete lack of a response from him falls a bit flat for me. I think even a good actor would have some kind of reflexive reaction to watching himself murder someone. (Even joy?) I just have trouble imagining that someone is good at feigning genuine emotion without having some emotions themselves. I get that you're angling for "what a sociopath, right?" but it didn't click for me as a reader.

The overall quality of the writing is really good and the opening of this in particular definitely led me to expect a wild ride, of sorts, from this piece. Nice work there!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi, inkwell Author Icon!

I thought this was an interesting approach to the given prompt for this month's Short Shots, but I have to admit that it really didn't come together for me as a cohesive piece. The narrator opens with Boarding is my life. Nothing compares to it. but I really don't get a strong sense that this is true, nor do I really get the emotional impact of boarding on this person.

I like flash, but this didn't feel like a narrative, just a series of images. The images are detailed, but I'm not getting a sense of order to the images as they're presented. Additionally, the short size of the piece draws attention to craft; There are a lot of sentence fragments, which in succession seems like it's intended to give the reader the rush and sensation of sailing down a powdery hill with a snowboard, but also gives me a bit of whiplash, since there isn't a story underneath the details.

I like what images were provided here, but I definitely wanted more from this piece-- and at under 250 words, there was definitely room to expand this. With the contest complete, I would really recommend expanding this into something more substantial so that the reader can follow along with the narrator and actually get a sense of development as the story rolls along.

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Take care and Write on!
~j

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Descent  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Chris24 Author Icon!

This story of an explorer taking a risky stunt run on what is later revealed through the story action to be an alien planet was intriguing.

I wanted to know more about the planet and less about the history books, so the opening of this piece didn't really grab me. The frequency of the reference to this event being epic made it significantly less epic, if that makes sense. My advice would be not to tell the reader how epic this is, but show them through story action. I would find a way to immerse the reader in the setting and give them a greater way to identify with the main character by giving more detail on how they are scaling these impossibly great peaks, etc.

Once the story gets underway, you do a good job of seeding the unlikely second-world details in very well; I liked that part of the stunt had rockets, very retro and made me think 'futuristic Evel Knievel.'

For the most part, the prose is fine. A few issues which spell-check wouldn't have caught: I think "slop" in the first paragraph should probably be "slope," and then in the middle there's a repetition of "knee's bent" which doesn't require the apostrophe: "knees bent." And in a few places the story gets bogged down in repetition; I would try reading aloud as this helps to pinpoint those.

I have to admit that I felt like the ending of this piece wasn't as effective for me as it came off incredibly jokey compared with the tone of the rest of the piece. I realize this is probably the intent, but I've read enough pieces with a similar premise that I was really hoping for a bit more originality. I also found that I didn't completely "buy" the idea that Ray, this snowboarding futuristic Evel Knievel would be the first human to die on a hostile planet where based on the closing dialogue, there are military officers stationed. How did they get the video back when he was eaten? I feel like this was a grab at "Well at least he got a record in SOMETHING before we scrub him from the history books!" And I really didn't understand why they'd go to all that trouble other than to fit the punchline.

All in all, I liked the inventiveness of this and if anything, definitely wanted more from it. I think you have the core of something interesting here, so I hope you do something with it now that you're past the constraints of the contest!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review of Feng Shui  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Fran!

I felt like this poem ran a little on the light side, more in terms of content than humor-- the ending is very clever and I feel like the repetition sort of works against you; I think you could still achieve the humor with a different ending to each line. (It's such a short poem that the lack of change makes it read very flat when read out loud.) It would work really well if the lines rise up to an escalation of expectations before crashing down. Think of some of the differnet things Feng Shui "promises" to adherents; money, fame, so on, and use those to create more specific images than "My life may be fixed!" *Smile*


Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did. Congratulations on your win today.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Screenwriting Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Olivia Ferguson Author Icon!

Your story caught my eye because I wrote one for the same challenge using the same title; it's cool that your writers' group is using Chuck Wendig's blog as a jumping off point too!

*Thought* I like where you took this story-- it's very tight but has a good balance between dialogue and detail. I like the "feel" of it also-- perhaps I'm relating to it because I live in the greater NY area but have ridden enough Greyhound buses back to the middle of nowhere where I'm from.

*Thought2* I think one thing I would suggest is actually just a cosmetic fix-- for ease of reading online, spacing new paragraphs with an extra carriage return can help the story be more readable.

*Thought* I like that you managed to tie the title into the sense of dread at the end of the story. This really helps to make the piece feel very self-contained.

Have you done any of the other challenges from the Terribleminds blog? I'd love to see more. My writing group has sort of slowed down on them for the moment, but I might pick it back up to give myself something to alternate with other projects.

Take care and Write on!
~j

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on behalf of "The Screenwriting Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review of The Fire Tunnel  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Screenwriting Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Heya, iguanamountain Author Icon!

*Thought* I love that this story evokes a lot of pulpy, juicy details-- it feels like a piece from the general style of Analog, with a little elbow grease.

*Thought2* The details are a little muddy, which isn't terrible for a piece this length, but something to consider is that you could actually probably tighten down on explanation and pick a few select, crisp images to amplify the horrors of the multiple scenarios our narrator is thrust into. The details presented in the first half of the story are closer in style to what I mean, where there are specifics that still leave lots of "unknown" for the reader to be carried along in suspense. It might just be a tightening of the dialogue in the middle section to bring the tension back up.

*Thought* I love that the ending of this calls the rest of the story and our understanding of it into question without being such an inversion of the information that it loses meaning.

All in all, a solid start. I might want to take a deeper look at this later on in WYRM sometime if you'd like!

Take care and Write on!
~j

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on behalf of "The Screenwriting Group" Open in new Window.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Jakrebs Author Icon!

Thank you for entering the Romance/Love edition of "The Dialogue 500" Open in new Window.!

*Thought* I like the bantery feel of this piece; it's somewhat more like a real relationship, for the most part. I didn't get a lot of story/plot out of this-- I get that he's trying to persuade her to move in, but his persuasion is really passive and doesn't have a lot of "story" to it.

*Thought2* The dialogue does clump up a bit when Dave starts laying on the sugar. I would rather see a little more back-and-forth movement on the conversation. I also noticed in the last two big clumps of dialogue, Tara doesn't say anything in between them, which confused me a bit about who was speaking there. another thing to watch out for is direct address-- whenever someone is talking to someone and mentioning them by name, there needs to be a comma before and after the name if it's in the middle of the sentence and a comma before or after respectively if it ends or begins the sentence. For example:

“OK, riveting start there Romeo. I can't wait to hear where this is going.”
would work better as: “Okay, riveting start there, Romeo. I can't wait to hear where this is going.”

--subtle fix, but it makes a lot of difference.

*Thought* I love that the ending of this is totally meant to pop that weird little imagery soap-bubble. *Smile*

We have a new round coming in October; I'd really love to see you tackle that one, as it's meant to be a character development round so the prompt is a little more open-ended.

Take care and Write on!
~j
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of True Loves  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon!

Thank you for entering the Romance/Love edition of "The Dialogue 500" Open in new Window.!

Good to see another longtime D500 fan back in the saddle. *Bigsmile*

*Thought* I liked the conversation here-- I'd almost have liked to see them pick slightly fewer movies and give a little more depth to their opinions, to show how the two of them are similar and how they differ as well.

*Thought2* One thing I noticed is that there are a few minor punctuation and word choice issues. I'd suggest giving it another glance, but these quick fixes would be a good start:

“Yeah… I do Sally.” should be:/i} “Yeah, I do, Sally.”

--The direct address comma after "do" is a must, but I'd like to see you get rid of the "..." because it doesn't do anything for this dialogue. If you want to imply more of a pause, even just a period would suffice to indicate the full stop. The reader is going to imagine the pacing of the conversation, and the "..." is just visual clutter, it doesn't help the reader pause, really. While we're on it, get the rest of those out of there, too; the beginning is littered with unnecessary pauses.

“Yes. Now, but I don’t know how, too. We must find the right time and moment, and tell them.” might work better as: “Yes, now. I don’t know how to tell them. We must find the right time and moment.”

--Need correct spelling of "to," and unified the sentence structure to clarify the meaning.

*Thought* I feel like the theme of this story is really on point, so it's really just in tidying up the details so that it's a little more cohesive and gives the characters a little more depth. The list of movies is really cool-- again, I really wished they'd talked a little more about a few specific ones, it would give them so much more.

There's a new round specifically about character development coming in October, so I hope I'll see you there! *Bigsmile*

Take care and Write on!
~j
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of Grave Diggers  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Help Me Get Published  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, LHolloway Author Icon!

Thank you for the review request; sorry it took so long for me to get to this, my schedule's been loopy.

One observation about this story: Currently, it's a huge slab of text with very little visual variation-- I suspect this prevents most readers from finishing the piece. I would really recommend using the {indent} WritingML tag at the beginning of each piece of dialogue and perhaps even a line break at every new paragraph. Since this isn't print copy, it's usually considered acceptable to space the work out a little when it's meant for a digital audience.

*Thought* The story itself kind of makes me think True Blood, but it has a unique flavor to it. The character names sometimes look like they have typos in them: Grahm is an unconventional spelling of Graham-- I've seen it before but usually only as a surname, and Eustess is usually "Eustace," in my experience.

*Thought2* I found a lot of the physical descriptions in this story really distracted me and drew me out of the story being presented, and because of the formatting I was already reading really slowly. I feel like you have an interesting story that's buried here, between the descriptions and the current lack of formatting, which puts this story at a big disadvantage. I don't mean to harp on this, but it makes everything else harder to review.

I would really like to offer to review this story at a later time once some of the core issues of readability have been addressed. I like the concept and I want to know more, but status quo, it needs a lot of structural work before I can tackle some of the other questions with this piece.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review of Our Inka  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Teerich - 2019 Author Icon!

I thought this was a good take on the given prompt-- you found lots of ways to highlight this dog's unique qualities in your poem, which makes it feel very real and personal. I feel like, if anything, the thing i wanted from this poem was *more* of that; I feel like some of the specific things that she did which made her such a part of your family would have gone even further to make this poem a specific part of how she made things brighter for you, if that makes sense?
Overall, though, I really enjoyed this.

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
16
16
Review of Puppy Love  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Chereda Author Icon!

I really enjoyed this piece; you put a lot of detail into this which gave me an understanding of this dog, Yan, and how much he changes the lives of the family around him. I love that you really made an effort to show personality beyond the sentimental qualities of owning a dog. *Smile*

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, LtRyanWolf Author Icon!

I thought this take on the given prompt was intriguing, but a lot of things didn't really click for me. The long explanations in the middle (about beets versus beet juice, and so on) were a little distracting and didn't add much to the reader's understanding. A lot of the banter doesn't seem to be productive; the lieutenant and his wife go back and forth, but it's not really clear to this reader why that is. (I also really didn't love the "happy" versus "right" aside.)

Ultimately, I really didn't understand the ending, either. I really couldn't tell why things were happening. Was he benched on the couch for a week because of his poor cooking or poor choice of behavior? Neither of these make any sense to me, so it made me question whether I really understood what was going on. I'm not sure if the ginger really would have saved this particular meatloaf. *Wink*

I feel like there's a core of something workable here, and the characters themselves are interesting, but there's a lot of fluff that didn't move the plot along and I think that could be remedied in another draft.

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
18
18
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Madridista Author Icon!

I thought it was interesting that this poll doesn't include anything like "desire to improve my own writing by reading and evaluating others' work" -- that's pretty much what I get out of the review process. Anything else that comes with it is really more incidental than not.

I guess this is a poll aimed at getting to know the "darker" motivations of the polling participants? I feel like most of the answers are written in such a way that they're meant to feel conspiratorial or confessional in nature. That's not a bad thing, it just feel a little bit leading. I'll concede that if there were only one altruistic response it'd probably be the one that eould end up being overused, so there's that. Hm. Food for thought at least; I thought the results of this were illuminating as I do use Review Rewards as an incentive device at times.

Take care and Write on!
~jay
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19
19
Review of Stolen Rainbows  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, TattKttn Author Icon!

I really liked the imaginative approach of your story for today. This was an interesting riff on the kinds of stories and adventures I remember from my childhood. There are a couple of minor errors with line breaks, but I thought this story made the best use of the adventure in the given prompt, and I really liked the resolution of the ending. Mikey, er, Mike, was a fun character to read about and I feel like he and his sister have a realistic family bond. Nice work!

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did. Congrats on taking first place today!

Take care and Write on!
~j


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20
20
Review of Cherry Oh!  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Rebelman Author Icon!

I thought this was an interesting and inspirational take on the given prompt, but I feel like the space requirements for the contest really worked against your goals for this story. I really would have liked to see more about how this great "teacher" transformed the story's narrator, and I think it's hard to do that with the word limit. I think this piece could easily be extended into a longer work, with the contest over.

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did.

Take care and Write on!
~j


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21
21
Review of Pies  Open in new Window.
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, AnonymousTodd Author Icon!

I thought this was a really imaginative take on the given prompt-- I liked the intrigue and politics of this piece as it felt like sort of a noir story, and I really appreciated the imagination and atmosphere of this. Like most things that happen for the Writer's Cramp, I feel like you could probably expand on this and give it a little more in the way of detailing, but I found this really enjoyable overall. Nice work. *Smile*

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did.

Take care and Write on!
~j


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Breaking Away  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, KerrieAnnS Author Icon!

I thought this story was engaging, but I did have a lot of problems with the presentation. You've used lots of direct address, which I love, since it helps me learn the characters' names, but at the same time, the direct address is not properly punctuated, which makes the meanings of sentences read a lot muddier than they otherwise might. For example:
“You don’t have to shout John I’m standing right here.”

“It’s more fun to shout, makes me feel more important than you.”

would be clearer to the reader if it was written:
“You don’t have to shout, John. I’m standing right here.”

“It’s more fun to shout. Makes me feel more important than you.”

--Above, the commas and periods are really necessary to help prevent one sentence from running off into the next one. It helps the reader more clearly understand that John is being addressed.

There are punctuation errors like these throughout. I'm not a copy editor, so I'd rather not sit and pick out each one unless you would like more help with it, because I know it can be overbearing to receive a review with a ton of related corrections.

I like the characters you've presented here-- I just wish, as stated, their story was a little more clear. *Smile* I liked the denouement of this.

Thank you for entering this edition of "The Dialogue 500" Open in new Window.!

Take care and Write on!
~j
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23
23
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again, ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams Author Icon!

Well, if I ever get around to making an All-Star list for the 500, you'd have to be on it. I thought this story was quite entertaining (the acronym DEAD is particularly clever). The details do get a little confusing in the middle-- I think I lost the thread of things a little in the descriptions of all that equipment-- but I daresay the ending was worth the payoff. *Wink* Nice work from you, as usual.

Thank you for entering this edition of "The Dialogue 500" Open in new Window.!

Take care and Write on!
~j
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24
24
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Jatog the Green Author Icon!

I thought this poem was fun, in a 60s Adam West kind of way. I could almost picture this as a Riddler type gag a la Frank Gorshin on the old television show. It's camp, but it's not bad camp. Nicely done.

Thank you for entering today's edition of "The Writer's Cramp" Open in new Window.! We're so glad you did. Congratulations on your win today!

Take care and Write on!
~j


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25
25
Review by Jay's debut... Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Jeff Author Icon!

I thought this was a fantastic, thorough, and really useful article for anyone embarking on a long writing project with a deadline, whether it's for National Novel Writing Month, or the related projects like Camp NaNoWriMo. I don't have a lot to add other than that this article reflects my experiences with the project as well. I think this is a must-read for wannabe novelists and seasoned WriMos alike. *Smile* Nicely done.

Take care and Write on!
~j

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