Review of “Midnight Santa” By Bourguit
I love emotional stories and there are moments in your story when I want to listen to emotional music when reading it. That’s good; you want your reader to be in the moment with your main character. But I was thrown off by how you tied your characters’ back stories together to make it a love lost and re-found relationship story.
Meaning I felt the story went out of order, switching tone and atmosphere. So, I lost reading momentum. I understand that having a lot of ideas to balance out in a story is always a hard thing to do. And I like that you have many ideas to hook the reader; it shows you’re really invested in this story and really creative.
But if you keep Callie’s point of view in a constant tone (Either present tense with character voice vs. past tense with narrative voice) it keeps the reader in the moment, even during flashbacks, Callie is reacting someway. And clearly explain the world she’s in; ex. the time of day, what a two story Cape Cod is, etc.
It speaks to pacing. I think you need to slow down your pacing, make the reader live in the moment more with gradual changes. Like with the verbiage with the dizzy spells, that’s good stuff, use it more. Mention that Callie doesn’t like thinking about it but the memories come up anyways. Maybe she can be wrapped up snuggled in James’ sweater, grabs it tighter at the thought of him. Sappy, yes, but impactful; it’s an “aw” moment.
Maybe she can use a photo album. It serves the purpose of showing how much she misses her husband but it helps describe them both; ex. She says, “Look at this Grey. I can’t believe his black hair was that short during our wedding. And oh my Gosh, look at mine. I look like I’ wearing a beehive on my head.”
So, Callie’s emotion and character motivation growth needs to be shown more. You can’t have moments where Callie just “got over” her loss in the barn without more build up or creating enough emotional reference to that decision. So, consider making this a survivor’s story, not a relationship story. So going back to her being in tears and decision in the barn, but I needed to see more of her emotional journey to make it more believable.
Ex. If Callie is close to the window in beginning, show us that her breath is fogging up the window and she makes a smiley face that reminds her of him. Or maybe have her make more comments to Grey like, “I still can’t move on, it takes me thirty minutes in the morning to get out of bed after looking at his picture.”
My advice is to have Callie and Grey in the story only, with Callie recalling moments about James. It’ll make the story tighter and smoother on her journey. And have her get over James through a burning ritual, something that should symbolize getting over her loss. Like she burns the pictures of her husband outside to let the smoke and memories of her husband go to heaven – something meaningful.
Ex. As Callie sits in her darkest hour, she looks at a past Christmas picture that gives her hope (Something that says the husband would want her to move on) and she decides to have burning ritual outside. She gradually is filled with a sense of peace (You can use the same snow verbiage) and starts making a snowman outside as Grey running around her (Have that it’s been snowing for awhile). She wins a snowball fight with a neighbor’s kids who have been playing outside for awhile. She raises her arms in victory as she watches them run away in defeat. She then gets tackled by Grey and laughs. Grey is her midnight Santa, bringing her cheer.
If you go with the angle, then delete the “Twelve Years Ago” verbiage and focus on the word count on the building a background on the husband relationship. Again, there’s nothing wrong with your ending, I just felt it was a nice way to end a first chapter of a book that would lead into another, not to end a short story.
No matter the direction you choose, make the story more emotional, impactful, and leave on a solid note; let me know if you want me to clarify my points after you read them. Also, let me know if you like me to reread the revised version, I am interested in the direction you’ll take.
Here are some songs I was listening to help set the mood I was talking about. Maybe they’ll inspire you:
•1-Hour Epic Music/Epic Emotional Music Vol. 3 (Listen at 37:52 and 49:34) (Emotional, Uplifting – the end theme song as I call it)
•Cheryl Crow – I shall believe (Emotional)
•The Black Keys – Things ain’t like they use to be (Emotional)
•Radiohead – No surprises (Emotional)
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