It's a nice story. The dialogue feels pretty natural and you pace it well. You also do well with introducing the scene and the characters. I enjoy stories with a little philosophical discussion, much like Mary and Peter had about the Mary's of history. I do wonder though if the story would have more of a kick if you cut out the Simon part.“You can call me Simon, but most everyone calls me Pete. It’s a long story that one, from way before you were born.” The second he said this, my brain guessed that if she wasn't dead, she was close to it. For those who don't know a lot about Christianity, it probably wouldn't be such a dead giveaway, but you never know who your reader will be. I also wonder if you could insert a little more fear/anxiety into Mary when Pete says certain things. For example, “I know the history of every living being. Call it an occupational hazard, if you will.” Maybe after--'I blinked, not understanding what Pete meant by his statement.' You could add something like, 'My eyes darted around me again, is this man possibly insane? If I called for help, would anyone hear me?' Then maybe she is reassured by his eyes or something and decides he might be a librarian, an eccentric librarian. Anyway, it was a good read. Thank you.
You use excellent verbs. So you don't need the adverbs. I cut out almost every word ending with -ly.
I love the word languid so I put it in a new spot. I hope you like it there.
The sun awakens and peeks its sleepy head over the mountain cap. The air is still as everyone begins to rise and cars start pouring out into the streets. It is the languid period, before the panic and chaos of the rush hour begins. Some light trickles in through somnolent children's windows as the coffee pots sing like church choirs.
The sun is now fully aroused and is standing tall, gazing down with beating rays. A leaf detaches from a flaccid branch and grazes the ground. The American flag is raised and flaps in the breeze.
Doors in office blocks are closed with askew signs reading "Do Not Disturb" as office workers devour crushed sandwiches with limp lettuce leaves. The crack of a soda can pierces (are you sure of pierces? what about 'crackles through' or 'fizzles into'? Piercing seems more like a nails on chalkboard kind of descriptor) the air with an expeditious release of flavored chemicals and foaming bubbles. (A slurp and burp soon follow.) Followed by slurps and burbs, a bass line for the cacophony.
The health conscious run around the inexhaustible city blocks. They crunch time to ensure they have enough minutes to change back into jejune attire. They are still flitting through feculent streets and sanitary corridors.
As the sun rides across the sky and retires behind the western mountain range all eyes sink. The cooling air of the cars circulates in and out of nostrils. The engines splutter and spit as they grind to a halt and keys are withdrawn.
Meals are present and swallowed without thought. The plates are planted in the sink and beds are unmade. Early risers creep in-between the sheets. All lights are razed. All eyes are closed.
So, those are my suggested edits. I didn't mark each one, but if you compare it to your original draft, you will be able to tell where the tweaks are. I didn't want to change it too much because you obviously have an idea of how you want it to sound. My suggestion for any future piece is that you try writing an entire story without any adverbs. It's a hard exercise for someone who likes to paint a picture, but as I hope you can see, you can still paint a lovely picture without them.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:15am on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "