OK, since I'm not published yet you have to take what I say for what it's worth. I've not proven to anyone yet that I'm a good writer, but I know for a fact I'm a damn good reader. So here goes:
First of all, I like the premise. You're dealing in a wanna-be writer's fantasy anyway, so it's a cinch that this would be a fantasy for a lot of your readers who are also male writers. Anyway, I want to start off by letting you know--and I'm being honest, not just blowing smoke--this story has the potential to be a really great read. I defintiely think you've found a good voice, and your writing is pleasant to follow.
Now I'll get specific and start going papragraph by paragraph, so please bear with me:
Paragraph 1: Great hook. It's hard to make something mundane as a cluttered apartment, which usually is a boring cliche, interesting this quickly. It takes good style to accomplich that, and at least with me you've done it. One suggestion: proofread a bit more closely to make sure you haven't left out any words and everything flows. Example: 'Jack was writer'...I'm sure you meant 'Jack was a writer'. Also, 'single stature'--you probably mean 'single status'. Fix those, and you're off to a nice start.
Paragraph 2: Again, great first line. It really pulls the reader on to the next one and establishes the lighthearted tone of the story. The only caveat here is that from there it seems to move almost too fast, and you're telling the reader something that might be more effective if you showed the reader what you mean instead. For instance, instead of narrating the generic dating history, throw the reader a bone. Include a recent example to contrast the meeting with Ingrid several paragraphs later.
Paragraph 3: Not much negative at all to say here--maybe consider breaking up this paragraph into two in order to vary the parargraph length, break up the page a bit, and keep the tempo up for the reader.
Paragraph 4: A bit of an abrupt transition from the generic narrative to the first real action. Maybe you could give the reader a little bridge to pull them into the rest of the story? This could be done lots of ways--maybe start the action a little sooner, and make it gradually ramp up from the minutiae of preparing to go out to the bookstore, or someting else that's more or less part of a daily routine.
One idea here, you could insert something you refer to later on regarding his eventual conversation with his agent. Maybe show him getting frustrated with a draft of his next work? That would be a chance to work in another story thread that you pick up later.
Paragraph 5: 'Impossibly beautiful' is a nice sounding phrase. The problem is that it almost makes you lose credibility with the reader. You're setting up the fantasy portion of your story here, and I believe you're heading in the right direction. I think maybe it's been laid on a bit thick, is all. For me, I like my fantasy women to be more believable. Perfection is nice, but it makes me think of Barbie dolls and actually does little to get me excited. I need a little flaw to make it seem like I, or the hero of the story, believe he has a real chance. That gets the pulse racing for sure, believe me. If you could give Ingrid some flaw, that's not really a flaw, or at least not a glaring one, I think you keep the reader's interest level up and build excitement because now they believe that they, or this hero, has a chance to land an otherwise unattainable beauty.
Also, '...But standing there in all her goddess glory...' besides being a little too much on the perfection angle, sounds a little awkward. I read over this sentence 3-4 times because at first I got lost in the verbiage and couldn't figure out what the subject was doing.
OK, I'm scrapping the whole paragrah thing because this is where the dialogue would make that cumbersome. Overall, I have nothing to pick on with your characters' dialogue. I think you did a nice job with that. It's the right tempo, keeps the reader's interest, and it's got a nice real quality to it.
Near the end of it, there's one line I had trouble with: '...routine made route...' --did you mean 'rote' instead of 'route'? Overall, I'd consider re-wording this line and make it active voice instead of passive.
Bottom line: with a little tinkering, this story has some real feet to it. I like it, and I'm curious to see how it turns out. At the end of the day, a successful story leaves the reader wanting to know more and hear more about their characters. By that yardstick, you have a very successful story you're building here. |
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