A review from the Rockin' Reviewers' Group. A part of The Paper Doll Gang.
Hello,UNP97  
I am reviewing, "Dressed in pain"  from your port. As you have just joined the writing site, we want to welcome you with a review from your port. Please accept this as merely my opinion. It is now yours to do with as you wish, reject, receive or delete. 
Title: It seems an appropriate title from reading the opening chapter.
 Narrative & Dialogue:
From what I have read you have the beginnings of a sad tale, with hopefully a happy ending. However, any author has to start with an opening that will hook the reader and the sister's disappearance covers that aspect very well. It created this. It leaves questions in the reader's mind. The narrator told of four children surviving on almost nothing. The two sister's woke through hunger and went scavenging for scraps of food to feed the family.
I admit to stumbling my way through parts of the chapter, but that is mostly through lack of formatting your story, you need to differentiate between your protags thoughts and dialogue.
Usually, this is done by creating a new paragraph for the spoken work, and using italics when it is the inner voice.(thoughts)
I also noted that the narrator did too much telling, and perhaps you should try showing more of the story by the character's actions, the setting you have created, make it seem very desperate and hopeless, so you should amp up the emotional as well.
Rome was not built in a day,and we all come to WDC to learn and improve our writing. So, a friendly review with all the good points only. Would this help you grow as a writer? No,so I hope that this review will be of some use to you where I touch some parts of your story that need you to read again and edit.
The best thing you can do is read your story aloud to yourself, then you will know whether it is a smooth read.
Here is an example of how to format the story for a smoother read.
The two sisters walked down all the stairs, they live on the top of the building and they were not allowed to use the elevator, they reached the main entrance '' oh look it's raining!'' Lucy said '' how am I going to do this I might die the weather is very cold'' Beth thought '' No I have to do this she is crying of hunger '' she thought while looking at her sister, '' ok wait here and i will bring the food DON'T COME OUT'' Beth threatened her sister then she walked out of the building while looking at Lucy with a smiling face and Lucy smiled back,
Here is how I would format the story into paragraphs to show when it is characters talking or thinking, and it saves many dialogue tags too. I have not copied it verbatim, just my take ont he conversation and thoughts.
The two sisters, left the room and managed to close over the door without it creaking. They walked down from the attic rooms to the ground floor,eleven floors in total and one hundred and twenty two steps. Beth played a game with her siblings, each of them had to count all the way down. They were forbidden to use the hotel's elevator. They exited through the side door onto the alley.
"Oh look it's raining," Lucy said.
Beth shivered as she looked at the rain, it came down in sheets, her thin cotton dress and sweater were no shield against the torrential rain.
how am I going to do this I might die the weather is very cold—no I have to do this she is crying of hunger, We all are we need food and warmth.
Beth looked at her sister, tears pooled in her eyes as she thought of all them, hungry and cold. She needed to do this alone. She turned to Lucy and placed her arms on her shoulders.
"I want you to stay here, it's best I go out myself. You watch out for me and don't leave this spot." She raised her voice slightly and waited until Lucy nodded her compliance to her.
She felt Lucy's large trusting eyes bore into back as she turned and stepped out onto the street.
The bitter cold seeped further into her bones as a blast of icy wind wrapped around her, she pulled her meager sweater around her. She turned quickly and smiled at Lucy as she ran across the road.
 Imagery and Emotions:
Here I see the bleak picture you portrayed. However, I asked myself a couple of questions. Why have they only one small blanket and two beds. Where is the father, as the only mention of him is a photograph in an empty closet? Does the mother still sew for the hotel, so why is there a need to scavenge? If the mother is too sick to work, then yes, but if she is sick and working then perhaps she has taught the daughters to sew surely to keep a roof over their heads? Or,has the husband been around in the last couple of years, maybe I would give them a little more possessions.
 Suggestions
When you opened the novel, the protagonists you told had you wrote physical descriptions of the siblings, which led me to believe this was a first draft or rather notes for the novel.
The room at the top of a hotel, will not be the best, but you may want to show it being scant and dark, perhaps coach roaches, but spider's webs can be easily cleaned with a broom. And I'm sure they have good hygiene standards, although living in immense poverty.
Perhaps let the reader know the season, you are beginning your story, although you mention the cold it could be late summer, with the rain and it can get cold at night, or it could be fall or winter. Although, I would imagine they would not survive the winter without food or heat.
In fact, the conditions you describe are similar to a Nazi concentration camp.
Perhaps, share with the reader what got them into this situation. As, you leave to many questions, personally for me you do.
You will hear continually about showing and not telling, I think that you need to use the senses more. What does she smell, hear, see, touch and taste. Show us through her actions what she is doing and thinking. Set the scene and use dialogue to move your story forward.
You need to let the reader into why a creative girl who imagination knows no bounds is in this situation. I can see that as the eldest her job will be to look after her sick mother and siblings. Life would be hard for the poor back in the time frame you have stated. Do they attend school? Show the reader the characters, don't tell them. And remember characters develop throughout a novel as they face situations.
 Overall Thoughts
I think that creativity is good, you will have your story planned out in your head or on notes, but remember the reader only knows what you, the writer gives them. Each chapter should in a way standalone but give hints of what is
On WDC you will find many user-created pages to help you with any aspect of story writing, and some groups offer courses on writing, reviewing etc. As you gain more experience of the site, you will be delighted with all that wdc has to offer.
"Writing.Com 101"
I also found this online, which I am sure you will find helpful.
http://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Novel
I wish you well in your novel, and hope that you continue getting your ideas on paper.
 Write On!
Please remember this is merely my opinion~~  ~~Please take from it what you wish~It was an honor and pleasure to read from your port today.
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| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Summer Romance Contest Review
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
If you read your opening sentence and then the next one. You are saying the same thing twice whereas the first sentence is tell, the next one is much better as it is show. 
(111) 
Keep writing. If there are any aspects of this review that you want to discuss with me, please e-mail me. I hope you enjoy the Gps, which the winner kindly donated back to the contest, so we decided to share them out with the other who submitted to the contest. 
The character growth was both refreshing and believable. What was a bore and a chore turned into something more. 
but given with the best of intentions. As it is a two way street,as we both learn from it. Now, this has been a huge intro,time to get onto the review. 
However, due to awesome members on the site, and with all that is shared for learning the craft. I now know a bit more. Whether or not I write any better is another thing. 
In writing your setting, you have the chance to create the opportunity for later action and drama in your story. You might include something large, like a pit, or a lion. Or it might be something small, like a pearl earring sitting on the coffee table. In your case, it is a dropped note.