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Review by Bo-chachio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting concept - frozen wastelands and everything associated with them always appeal to me. You did a good job of not being overly repetitive with words like "icy" and "frozen," as it is so tempting to do with these sorts of settings.

In the first sentence, you can eliminate "always." Unless he only has one wing (he might), there should be an 's' on "wing." Your main problems here are run-on sentences. There should be a period after "forest." Second sentence, "I'd" should be "I." There should be a period after "nights."

Second paragraph, "grew" should probably have a dash after it. It's a good idea to vary punctuation, and there are a lot of commas in here. I would nix the comma between "arms" and "wrapped" and the one between "me" and "as." I would also break up the second sentence of the second paragraph and try to avoid repeating the phrase "as though."

Third paragraph, change the comma between "touched us" and "my heart" to a period. Since you already said "shivered" in sentence four, you can take out "Shivering" in sentence five. Change the comma between "night" and "he seemed" to a period.

Third sentence of the last paragraph, I would try to take out some of those commas. Perhaps, "I was his, but this thing of cold and wind could never be mine. His touch now turned my skin blue, but I loved him - the death that came to me . . . " etc.

Perhaps you could allude more to her motivation. Is the allure of those "ancient mysteries" enough for her to willingly embrace a cold death? Your brevity here is good, so I wouldn't put an infodump of her past at the beginning. However,a phrase or two scattered throughout wouldn't go wrong.

Thanks for sharing - hope that helped!
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