An excellent portrayal with a delicate touch. The tiny details - From God to garters; from "I've outlived two husbands, and I've buried my one precious son. / You know I'm not scared of dying." to pink polish, really transform the work from description to poetry.
(quiety - should be quietly?)
The final two lines are truly beautiful. Great work!
This is going to be an awful review - in that I will be quoting so much of your work back to you - but I really need to show where the points are coming from.
Where to start...? This is a marvellous poem, full of hints and subtleties.
To think that a whole life thought process could be sparked by such a simple, yet elegant, statement -
" A gathering of teapots, so mundane,";
An image that is unique -
"the tall, sleek, silvery
mid-century modern, as spare
as the silence after a tolling bell?".
Then to take a simple choice about a domestic appliance and make it universal:
" Things weary, things break, things fade away.
How to decide what to save?"!
I could go on but the tiny change from the first stanza to the last sums up the scope of the poem perfectly:
" A still life isn't something
you just throw together." -
" A life isn't something
you just throw together."
The rhythm is perfect for reading aloud and there is such a wry humour throughout.
I've always believed that good poetry is about taking something plain and obvious and turning it so that others can say: 'I never thought of it that way!'
It is true communication.
First thought - I don't want to see you at my front door wanting to talk about this review! LOL
The story was tidy and flowed easily, allowing me to enjoy the details ("cup of hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows") without distracting me from the plot.
The opening was very good, a neat 'hook' that made me curious - made me want to read on.
There were a couple of tiny errors - the 'hot chocolate' became 'tea' and in the sentence "You’re writing on this piece..." it should be 'Your'.
Sorry if I seem to be picky - I don't mean to be - I really just want to help.
You kept the ending well hidden. It came as a real surprise - the best kind of ending in my view!
I really enjoyed the story, especially the way you wove the two colours into the ending.
This is a marvellous poem - completely unique!
The opening is so subtle - as it gets the reader thinking as well... A perfect hook to draw one in.
The use of "And" to start a sentence - whilst gramatically incorrect - and the "..." ending, lifts the phrase up - as if it were a piece of thought that happened to surface from the constant stream.
"And chances are,
she's right..."
The timbre and touch are elegant, the occassional repeats: ((cough, cough...) fit the mood perfectly.
The ending is...just..superb.
Sorry I've spent more words on this than there are in the poem but - I don't have that graceful touch.
Excellent - congratulations on winning the Round!
Best,
p
A great image. Many poems have lines that can be singled out for special attention. This does not: each is a simple strand that only becomes special when this poem comes together.
Every reader takes something unique from a poem - part of its beauty, I guess - and I found the image of the tiniest hope defeating despair in its many guises very comforting. The flickering candles and lone leaf holding their own against the elements and the idea of the sky being crystal,liable to shatter and let back the warmth of the sun, were all well portrayed.
Of course, I have no idea what others have taken from this poem and I maybe quite wrong about your intentions, but I am certainly right in my understanding of it. LOL! This, however, makes it more than a simple piece of description: it turns it into a poem.
Thanks for sharing this little piece of warmth
Best
Peter
Hi! I thought it was a beautifully woven picture, a very graphic story using simple phrases and short sentences.
My only quibble is with the ending. You held my full attention easily: "I sat in my car for nearly an hour...What would you think? I know what I thought. I didn’t come all this way to sit in my car. And I didn’t."
I think I was waiting for a punch-line that never came - for me. Down to personality I guess...
Nevertheless, it was crafted excellently.
So unfair! I'd just settled neatly into my 'serious- classical' frame of mind when things started to stop adding up... Towards the end I was smiling; at the end I laughed.
No missed beats, runs well when spoken.
Ne'er too complex a structure, for distraction.
What can one say, Sir, what can one say?
Excellent!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluesuit
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 3:16pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
