I love this whole idea! Very creative. Clarinda seems like she'd be a real handful outside of the classroom. But this dithering over details, especially the translations... made me laugh! Even better I wanted to know if she passed. Something tells me her success won't stay that way for very long ;) I love short stories but this needs to be a longer story.
It took me a while to notice the song in the back of my head... The Rolling Stones "Sympathy for the Devil." I doubt that was your intention, but my brain has an embarrassing habit of barfing up hairballs.
Far less weird, I read through and went back to find the cadence. It was an easier read for me when I mentally created some stanzas. My childhood was full of music since my mother was a piano teacher, and I played violin and piano. There is a physical aspect to poetry since so much of it comes alive when it is read aloud. I can't find the poem I'm thinking of, but I remember it as one of Gwendolyn Brooks' with longer lines -- these often have a crowded feeling as does yours.
You write...
"Certain obstacles once faced
Have been overcome with grace"
Ignoring your intended word puzzle, this sort of rhyme is part of what makes your poem fun to read. The word 'obstacles' have several meanings here which is cool. Thanks for posting. Fun read.
This story made me forget my insomnia — great fun. Interesting characters and a very nice twist ending. Those two arguing is choice -- you must be married or have older parents. That back and forth is so real. Thanks for making my sleepless night worthwhile.
Tough subject yet you did a good job with it! I felt like I was right there from the plus sign. Oh. Wow. David is a scum, I know teenage boys but I can have opinions about him. Tabitha's reveal was really well timed. I like whistling at the dog for the last line. But I think the second to last could be tweaked for more tension -- not high drama -- but words with more emotion as well as purpose. Sharon would not be calm at the end of your story, but she can have a different focus. Just a thought. Thanks for posting this. So many people are afraid to write about difficult subjects.
Yeah! A science fiction story! They can be hard to write with all the "magic" technology and different species. I admire your courage.
I think my biggest issue is with the scene changes as the characters move from room to room. I try to think about a theater play with the necessary change in props and backdrops. You move from the control room to communications, at least an extra line break would help. Referring to a control board is not enough to set this second scene. Part of theater plays is the context each scene provides. Young lovers talking on the veranda is different then if they were hiding in a closet. Was the comm center as bad off as the command deck? I'm guessing more time passed between some of the scenes. I think demarking the scenes will help pace the story as well.
Last is this credits dynamic. I'm not sure I understand. Someone or something dispenses these credits thereby controlling or affecting the events that follow. Is this cultural? Legal? Religion? Since the credits tumble around, they must have a physical form -- coins, cubes, polyhedral, poker chips, fake leaves, something else? Are they tokens or objects to be applied at some point with "magic"? I do not doubt that you have this part in your head and just need to adjust the words to give these credits better focus.
I hope this helps. This is a fun story and worth the effort to make some adjustments and gain better clarity. Thanks for sharing.
Very interesting idea. Super short stories are tough since every words counts. I love the images of the noisy ghosts chatting, arguing and eating. These ghosts are the second focus of your story and the elements of the conflict -- I wonder if there is someway to make them pop a little more. Is it too many? If it were only three, could spend more time on each one? I did get the crowd thing but I wonder how individual are they? it's been years, maybe they are getting out of focus or something? Your survivor hero has plenty of time to establish themselves and the situation, maybe a little more effort into getting the right balance with the ghosts.
Daggers are very very odd choices for suicide. It's just hard to get enough force to stab oneself. Other tools, poison, train tracks (or the time period equivilant). Also you choose _the_ dagger. Not a general dagger. If it were referenced eariler it could be a specific blade. Also daggers are archaic, we say knife or blade today... unless you collect or something. O.k. I'm probably overplaying this, but this line is so important yet confused by imagery/action that seems out of place.
The final line sounds so... positive? But the word choice is at odds with the rest of the poem. At that point it wouldn't be hope of any sort. He might send out a "worthless" prayer or submit to not knowing. If you intend to have the last line be a revelation then hope might work but it needs to be encased in hopelessness and breakout to a better future. I admire you if you can make that happen in one line but I'm sure it's possible.
Remember poems build on what was given to the reader earlier, anything we can imagine, feel, witness, needs to carry through to the very end. This is one of the joys and hardships of writing poems. I enjoyed your effort here. I think you've put in some good effort. Some editing, swapping in and out some key words, will do a lot of work toward tighter focus. You're energy is flowing through this tragic hero and the last time are everything to finishing him off, as it were. Good luck.
Really enjoying this! Let me know when you post the next portion. I've been a pagan in a Christian church but never been in a circle with a Christian. Will they ever stop blushing? Will those blue eyes dilate? Can't wait!
I really enjoyed the twist. I was so sure there would be a fire fight. I also liked the setting, the six foot room where I could just hear the paint (or whatever) peeling off the walls. Nice story.
Heart rending. The depressive signs would have started sooner but I think you wanted to allude to this at first. Alcohol is very much how many depressives cope. Interestingly enough alcohol makes the depression worse not better. Thanks for reminding me of the all too present danger that I too could face. I truly pity the friend in your story who returned home only to find the suicide. Good story.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluequill
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 5:26am on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
