\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluebart_11
Review Requests: OFF
91 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try To comment on on style as well as content, I do point out grammar if it is really noticable, but do not focus heavily in that area. I review the material, but do not base it on my personal opinion. I may disagree with you but I will not rate based on it.
I'm good at...
giving thorough reviews, I always try to be helpful and point out anything that can help.
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Sci-fi, fantasy
Favorite Item Types
I don't have one
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Poetry
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Your story has good pacing and builds at a good speed leading to a great ending. I would however like to see more description on the characters within the story. We hardly know anything about Pukin, who is very essential to the story, What does she look like, what is she? We aren't given any details about this character other than she has four arms. Don't expect all your readers to have read the anime, and reward those who have, by mentioning things that they'll recognize
2
2
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
I will provide up to two thousand characters of editing for the item, if required then move onto my thoughts on the piece:

Edits:

Title: If you are using the term 'wtf' it implies relation to the internet subculture, which does not seem to be the focus of this item. This title also implies mystery.

Tag line: "whats wrong with me and what happened to my clothes"
The word 'whats' should be capatalized and should have an apostrophe between the 't' and the 's'
The tag line is a question and should have a question mark.

Intro:
"one day you are walking to school" Capitalize sentence
"a meteor lands right next 2 you. Use the word for a number instead of the digit itself. ('two' instead of '2')
'causing you cloths to burn off ass it goes up your dick causing you to pass out.' 'you' shoud be 'your.' The word 'ass' should be 'as.'
Run on sentence, try putting a comma after dick.
'you wake up to your dick becoming some creature what will you do now?' Capitalize the sentence. a period is needed after the word 'creature' and wou need to capitalize the 'w' in 'what.'
this story you gain the ability to posses people Capitalize the sentence. the word 'In' needs to be at the beginning of the sentence.
'when you sue your powers due to the creature your dick became' The word 'sue' should be 'use.' Consider rewording possibly 'when you use your powers caused by the creature your dick became'
and what ever else you reader add consider rewording. Put a period at the end of the sentence.
'you are jimmy Collin age 16 average everything'Capitalize the beginning of the sentence as well as the name 'Jimmy Collin.' Place a comma between 'Collin' and 'age.' Place a comma between '16' and 'average'
you have black hair green eyes Capitalize the sentence.
now with a new storyline Capitalize the sentence.
also when you swap you head you gain Capitalize the sentence. The word 'you' should be your.' Place a comma between 'Also' and 'when'


Thoughts on the story:
I took chapter path:
1-1-2-2-1-1-1

There are spelling mistakes everywhere. It's very distarcting and takes away from the overall story. The story lacks depth. Try to put in what the main character is thinking. dialogue between characters would also be good to see as well as relationships. Try to make your characters feel real.
3
3
Review of Trial  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That was a shock! Makes me want to know more about Handrel. A shame this piece could only be 100 words.

I would consider plugging the contest at the beginning of the piece so that others will have some context as to what they are reading, It'll also help avoid some potential bad reviews due to the short length.

Overall it was very intriguing, I would like to see more about this character.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good Sentence Structure. Grammer, punctuation, and spelling are mostly good. You do a great job of putting the reader into the eyes of Ru, The reader gets a good chance to understand things from his point of view.

The ten year wait that Ru goes through is almost creepy. Infatuation to an extreme. It seems as if it was made to example his dedication and defeat, but I'm not getting that vibe while reading it.

I also wish we could know more about the Myra character, we know that they've interacted and havehad problems, but we learn nothing of who Myra is. We don't know any hobbies or anything else at all about her. I think this is partially why Ru's wait seems so creepy. It seems as if he is waiting for an ideal rather than a person.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love your book. The imagery so far is stunning. The concept original, and you leave me constantly wanting more. You do a good job of leaving enough information out that the reader's curiosity will drive them to read more and more. The Creaole Character is also very unique.

At this point I'm hoping to see a more human side of Mrs. Browneil in future chapters. I also can't wait to hear more about the figure in the wheelchair, and about Creaolle's difficulty with computers.

Once again, Great job and Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Pacing is definitely a lot better here, just as it was last chapter. The story keeps drawing me in, I want to read more and more. Learn about the characters andthe world they're in. I didn't see anything in this chapter that didn't seem to work. So full stars this time.

Can't wait to read more!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I learn more and more about the gateway with every chapter and the concept truly fascinates me. It looks like you've put a lot of thought into this place. You can feel the depth of the gateway, just by reading. It feels like it could be a real place. I loved reading this chapter as well and learning more about Shin, Keikei and Darm. I have noticed a couple things from reading this however.

CH. 2

You wrote
'as she finally he focused on the pain'
Which is written poorly, gramatically

CH. 3

Also I noticed here that When Creaolle and Darm are speaking, Creolle says ‘If you didn’t I would be dead,’ Then a paragraph stating what happened to Creaolle, and then Darm responds to her statement with 'And maybe you would be somewhere else, training to be a doctor like you so wish' Which does not make sense with what she said.

ALso I noticed that the pacing seems to be much better in this chapter.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review of Saint Cornelious  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm honestly not sure if this is supposed to be a work of fiction asking the reader to beleive in god, or if it is asking them not to. Cornelius' wife was sold to prostitution and so due to forces beyond her control the dove is now saying that she will not go to heaven. This reads almost as if it was satyrical and perhaps it is. The tone of the piece is very difficult to judge.

minor spelling mistake:
'x-wife' should be spelled 'ex-wife'


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This piece looks like there has been research done on it, and it would nice to see what sources have been used and taken from. (even in a footnote or other medium)

Small Spelling mistake:

have difficulties accepting responsibility our making decisions

Should be:

have difficulties accepting responsibility or making decisions



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of Afraid  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The first two paragraphs of this piece draw the reader in immediately, It's very dark and very powerful, The imagery you use Paints a vivid picture for the reader, I've seen much larger pieces with much less content. I became invested in these characters within a very short time. I wanted to know who Tristan was. Why did he wait two years? How did he learn about her. Lisa as well. I wanted to know what her life would be like now. How would she cope, This sample could be turned into something huge, if it hasn't already. Even the font used compliments the piece.

The only problems I have are more technical issues. It's rated as ASR which seems a little low to me. Also the genre listed is Fantasy which also does not seem to fit the piece very well. Overall, Some very impressive work has been done here. Great work and Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
11
11
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I've read through this chapter a few times. I really liked it but there was something that bothered me the first time I read through it, and I had to read again a couple times before I realized what it was.

First I just want to say that I love the descriptive terms you use to describe everything, not to mention that you've created a very unique world for Creaole. I'm impressed with how well you've managed to tell us about creaole's personality, despite how diverse and multidimensional it seems. This chapter left me wanting more.

The one thing I found that I realized was bothering me was the pacing. It switches rapidly in some places from going quicky to slowly and back again. the most notable example I have where I found this was at the beginning when Creaole tells the beginning of a story then gets interrupted by the shadows with 'woof woof suck up Shin' She pulls out the pin silences her audience then in a sentence her story is finished. I understand why you made it that way, however it just doesn't seem to flow properly.

I do have a couple questions out of curiosity:
Firstly, do you plan on releasing more chapters soon, Are you trying to get it published?

Secondly, Where do you get your inspirations from?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
12
12
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Impressive.

I came into the article with skepticism and came out agreeing that 30 seconds could easliy change a life. I really enjoyed this piece and found it inspiring. You used good examples to make your point, and were very convincing.

Your conclusion summed up what you were going for very well.

Great work
Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
13
13
Review of Prayers for a Son  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I have troubles Empathizing with Jaliel I can Empathize with every other character within this story, but not Jaliel.

As the story goes on I find myself liking Jaliel less and less all the way to the last moment of the story. I think I could empathise with his character more if it was explained why Shay was trouble, or why Jaliel was only in lust with her. The story doesn't indicate anything that she may have done wrong.

I also wonder constantly why Jaliel keeps thinking 'It was all for her' Why does he feel that his going to jail was for her? This story feels incomplete. I feel that there is so much information missing that I cannot fully understand the circumstances that the character is in.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
14
14
Review of Mother and Son  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
When reviewing interactives, I do so by chapter

Description:
Explains the story, provides enough suspense to attract readers

Foreword:
Rules are clear however not much information is give about what the story will contain

Ch. 1:
For a beginning chapter, This was really short, try to describe the main character or the mother a little. maybe describe Miles' everyday life a little

Ch. 1-1:
Not much to say simple choice select, perhaps you can do this by giving some story first and when the main character is realizing what is happening give the option.

Ch. 1-1-2:
The amount of choices at this point without any story is getting redundant. There are no options left at this point that are written out for the reader. For a story with 755 chapters, All Beginning chapters, that would start actual storyline should at least have one chapter.

Overall: This story needs work. From the choices I took I found very little storyline.

Ch. 1-1-2
15
15
Review of Counter-Demon  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
I rate interactives by chapter. I comment on the ones written by others as well, but only weigh them half as heavily. However it is the item creators responsibility to edit them if they need it. Here we go:

Introduction:
Tells exactly what to expect, while keeping some mystery.
Original idea.

Foreword:
A good description of what has happened so far. Character description is well done. Rules are clear and concise.
Beginning description draws the reader in leaves them wanting more. Good work!
perhaps include a wikipedia or other link for those who may not know their guns.

ch. 1:
This chapter does well to set up the mood for the story, The description of how the lights are working sets a creepy atmosphere
perhaps add a small description as to why James is on his own, Give some backstory.

Spelling mistakes:
one = on
turned of the radio = turned on the radio
He ready himself = He readied himself
investigae = investigate

ch. 1-2: (not written by you)
Since there were machines on in the room, would he have heard them from the hall, or were they all silent. What do these machines look like?
the sentence 'things became messy as the stuff got scattered' what stuff is being referred to?
This chapter constantly switches from past tense to present tense and back again.
The idea of the demon child is creepy and a rather good idea, but due to all the grammer and spelling mistakes the reader is instantly becomes unengaged.A promising chapter becomes rather disappointing due to the writing style.

Spelling and grammar mistakes:
doorknob got broken = doorknob was broken
James hears = James heard
but it sounded a cry of a child = but it sounded like the cry of a child (there are several other ways this could be reworded)
He wondered the chances of a child staying in the vicinity= He wondered what the chances of a child staying in the vicinity were
of where he is = of where he was
"what can a child do" (italics did not work)
by the child as it turns out the child is somewhat like an undead zombie-like. (I'm sure this could be worded better, No suggestions as most of the sentence has to be reworked)
too indescribable to words =too indescribable for words
He is too = He was too
his hands were already busy enough to holding the child from preventing himself being wounded (this sentence needs to be reworded as well)
The child was strong which he didn't expect that would be able to hold him down. (Needs to be reworded)

1-2-2:
This is a rather short Chapter compared to all the previous ones, however a good amount of information is provided to the reader before the choice of what to do next is provided. This chapter also gives the readers a possible secondary objective to give Jack.

Spelling and grammar mistakes:
nuged = nudged
oit = it
Privet = Private
assistens = assistance
waist = waste
i am = I am

Overall: This piece shows some amazing promise, however as I read further I find numerous errors and mistakes. It is essential to edit your items for spelling and grammer. Especially on chapters that are not your own
16
16
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
When reviewing Interactive stories I do so chapter by chapter, then give my overall opinion:

Description:
Doesn't give much idea as to what we are going to see within the story, Perhaps a brief description of what Starmage acadamy is or what the story will feature would lure readers in.

Foreword:
Gives a good description of the characters appearance and personality, however gives a vague notion that there is a history with these characters that is important but not summarized (ie. his mother wanted to give him exta training, but he don't know why)
Rules are all there but it would be nice to see them numbered so that they can be easily referenced.
Also it may be nice for the other authors whose works also are in this piece to have a link to their work in the foreword

Ch.1:
Rather short first chapter, it would be nice to have some description of what his room looks like, or why he wished to be a normal teenager.
I would also like to see the first possible options of the story all have a nother chapter so that the reader can have some beginning choices to start from.

Ch. 1-1:
This moment which should be one full of regret and pain feels rather static, It would be nice to see how the characters are feeling. Do they make eye contact when they see eachother? is it awkward? maybe they're really glad. Is this an ecstatic reunion?

1-1-2:
This chapter again feels really short, What class was next does not seem to be a significant choice and could have easily been made without the reader feeling that they were getting denied a choice.

1-1-2-1:
Good description as to whom the new characters are. Would have been nice to get a short bio of Chon as well. We get a good background of the school and the characters in it. I do not feel that much happened between this chapter and the previous one and would like to see more story develop between each choice.

1-1-2-1-2:
Good Chapter length, A fair amount of stuff has happened. I would however like to see more description. How well did he do? Was he winded afterwards? Was the course easy for Ryan? Perhaps something in the course reminded him of a past event.

Overall:
I think this is a promising work, however work has to be put into the detail. Keep up the good work and Write on!
17
17
Review of It's my life?!  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
A lot of work needs to be done to make this readable.

The path I took was:
2. (wolf)
3. (Gothic)
1. (guy)
1. (just wait)

I don't have much to go on for story from that path, so I cannot comment on that aspect so I will skip directly to spelling and grammer
Chapter 1-2:
the word 'raceiced' is supposed to be spelled 'racist'
Chapter 1-2-3-1:
'speshle' = 'special'
'grabed' = 'grabbed'
Chapter 1-2-3-1-1:
'gesters' = 'gestures'
'I pulls off' = 'I pull off'
'Worshping' = 'Worshipping'

This should be a good start. Sentence structure also needs to be worked on, but I think if you begin by focusing on spelling first then move onto other areas of writing you can become a great writer, Keep on writing and I hope you get better and better! Write on!
18
18
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
First thoughts:
How long is this going to be, i feel we are reaching a conclusion and can't wait to see what's going to happen, I have my theories as to who the murderer is, but I'm still undecided.

Pros:
- Interesting personality quirks for all the suspects
- Descriptions are very well done
- Dialogue is used effectively
- Both of the established characters from the previous chapter have a growing personality

Cons:
- I honestly cannot think of anything I would change at this juncture

Conclusion:
Good work so far. Can't wait to see how this ends and who the murderer is. This story is creating a great puzzle for the reader.
19
19
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
When doing madlibs try to make sure that if you want someone to put in a verb (action) that you clarify what tense it should be in. I put all of my 'actions in present tense which comes up with situations like "They see 555 Motorcycles just fly there"

Also try to add more in between each option. there should be a fair amount of text that is static to each instance of the madlib.

Also try to avoid putting the word 'a' or 'an' before the fill in text as you don't know if the reader will choose a word that starts with a vowel or a consonent.
20
20
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story has a rocky start but builds into a good Story filled with colorful detail and a tragic end.

The line beginning line "Danny Moyer, a talented actor/director, was an artist that painted my face and hair with language" is confusing and although explained later in the story, It does not draw the reader in.

I loved all of the vivid and detailed details you gave us of the two lovers and their relationship. It painted a beautiful picture and was easy to relate to these characters and understand their situation.

I'm not sure if 'Mystery' is the best place to put this story. It does have a unexplained dissapearance but does not share many of the elements of the mystery Genre.

Overall I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hope to see more from you in the future. keep up the good work and Write On!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This piece has an interesting tale of love and an original meeting. Not one that you would see often. It does however need many fixes in grammer and punctuation.

When you are Writing what the characters are saying try using quotation marks. As it will help the reader determine speech. Also avoid using terms like 'U' in place of 'you' when writing. Unless you are writing it in terms of online speak.

I would also like to see your paragraphs becom a little more pronounced. Try double spacing between paragraphs and making paragraphs more than one or two sentences.

I like what happened in your Story, It's sweet how your two characters met. Definitely Unusual and charming. I would like to see more of the characters however. As they are now it's hard to sympathise with either as I don't know much about them.

Overall I think this story could become quite cute and endearing with some more work. Keep up the good work and Write on!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I'm really enjoying the story so far, There are several character choices to choose from and a significant amount of detail in each chapter. I would, however, like to see more idea of how the characters are feeling during the story, The cold writing that is in your story makes it sound more like a news report than an action driven scene. Also I would like to see more of the different character options explored a little further, give the reader an idea of how the other beginning choice characters are. This will encourage the reader to follow and possibly add to the stories they like the most.
23
23
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Good question, and it was interesting seeing what everybody thought about what they would believe in. although I'm not really sure anybody could know the answer to that question for sure. But it was still worth looking at and seeing what others thought.
24
24
Review of the cry of dawn  Open in new Window.
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Pros: The story was very original. It made me want to find out what happens as th character progresses through the story.

Cons: There were so many spelling and grammer mistakes that reading through the story became very difficult for me. At points I wanted to stop reading because of them.

Overall: I would gladly continue to read and add to the story in the future but only if the spelling and grammer are fixed first.
25
25
Review by Archivist Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've been thinking through this question to myself recently and have been looking at the different possible reasons for the existance of mankind and how they got here. Your Poll intrigued as it is a question I have been asking myself.

But onto the evaluation. This poll was made rather well since it gives a brief summary of what the different view points mean. You could put why you wanted to create this poll and what you plan on using it for if you wanted to improve it.
34 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluebart_11