Hello PeaceLAS. I like the concept of your story. However, I was distracted by your modifiers.
I appreciate you effort in making your story as vivid as possible, but I think the adjectives and adverbs are so plentiful
already. One advice: Kill the adverbs and adjectives. You could use them, but not too much. In this case, I think you've
used too much. No offense. You could still describe everything by means of actions of the characters. Also, you could
drop off some of the descriptions of the characters in a much latter scene, not in one blow, like what you did with
Persephone.
Nevertheless, you gave us a very good description of the characters inside and out. I guess that's one of the goals you
need to accomplish in chapter one: to introduce us to your characters. You did that pretty well. Congratulations!
I found some words that didn't seem to be appropriate to the tone of the story. I listed those below.
 SUGGESTIONS AND A FEW RANDOM COMMENTS
 from the very trees, the earth, the sky and everything around her. - I think you should put a comma
between sky & and.
 Question: What do you mean by this? She heard the sweet release as the waves broke gently upon the
sand - What do you mean by sweet release?
searching the scarlet sea, and sand and trees, she must find the maker of such a beautiful
sound. - The 2nd comma should be changed to a semicolon.
Decrescendoing to a whisper - What a word... decrescendoing. Don't you think you
should change this into something easier to understand? But then, that's just a suggestion.
Sometimes you are such a freak!! - I think there should only be one exclamation point.
Then shivering a little more, drug her feet toward the open window - First, you should put a
comma between then and shivering. Second, it should be dragged. not drug.
passed the family photos - To make it parallel, I think you should change passed to
past.
vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup and whipped cream - You should put a comma between
syrup & and.
starred at the table - stared
OOO, check this out! - Maybe you could change this to Ooh.
wildflower covered valley - wildflower-covered
His dark wavy hair offset by piercingly blue eyes, fell over his forehead in a tousled mess. -
You could omit the comma.
Persephone smiled silently at her parents, love was something given freely in her home and she
was used to such displays. - You could change the comma to a semicolon.
Question: While they were eating, why did Persephone's parents pay too much attention to her? It's like they
didn't mind Orion much.
daughters hand - daughter's
fathers grasp - father's
Persephone turned left onto Senate Circle, silently praying her thanks for the good street
conditions, Texas drivers were notoriously ill-prepared to drive on snowy asphalt. - Change the second comma
to a semicolon.
petite, but shapely girl - Omit the comma.
rose colored - rose-colored
cherry stained - cherry-stained
Her blond hair braided on either shoulder loosely unraveling. - I think this should be
unraveled, if there is such a word. But nevertheless, I think this should serve as a verb, not an adjective.
daughters hand - daughter's
Orion hopped out of the car and, noticed an ‘80’s model - You should omit the comma.
Comment: The way Mrs. Clara Clay speaks is weird. Is she really like that, always formal?
Again she scanned her schedule, and again she saw only nothing interesting; Algebra II,
Physics, English, and Economics today, tomorrow; Swim Team, College Prep, World History and Study Hall. -
You should change the semicolons to colons.
Great, sighing Persephone pulled a pencil from her bag and began writing a note to Fiona. - Maybe
you could change it to this: Great, Persephone thought. Sighing, she pulled a pencil...
At least they had one class together, unfortunately it was Mr. Piedmonts’ 4th period Algebra II
class - Change the comma to a period.
English teacher, Mrs. Meadows handed out text books - Put a comma after Mrs. Meadows.
three page - three-page
You are so mean girl. - Maybe you could put a comma after mean
Mr. Piedmonts classroom - Piedmont's. This was also repeated later.
his faded into his usual unattractive frown - he
...get outta here.” Persephone added... - Chane the period to a comma.
I like the ending of chapter one. It makes the reader want to read more of your story.
Good luck with the succeeding chapters. Write on!
Meela
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That's okay. You're obviously not a pop fan.
Write on!
extending
It’s a very hard process for the loved ones of the dying person, especially since they’re not really sure if the person is still there or not. It’s an immoral thing to do, but everyone would suffer if they don’t do it. It’s simply so complicated. I hope I don’t get the chance to choose that option someday.
You used the word ‘harrumph’… was that an expression or something? Haven’t encountered that before…
I love this line. Actually, I love the whole paragraph which contains this line:
Think it should be backward glance .