This is a fun story. I think you could extend the part where the kids are going out by having a couple of others go first, but even as they come back safely, Jake starts to feel more and more anxious about his turn. That would heighten the suspense some.
Overall impression
I thought you had a good setup here, with believable character. The plot wasn't quite as developed, with a lot of buildup and not much conclusion.
What I liked most
I liked when the mates were talking and coming up with a band name and all.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
This was fairly clean, with no obvious technical issues. I'd advise working on the story arc, or transformation of the character. I understand that he ended up where he did, but it wasn't clear that he changed at all, and we want our main characters to grow or change somehow.
Rating and Rationale
I think you have a good scenario with potential, but the conclusion felt a little rushed and inconclusive.
Overall impression
Wow, this story danced at the very edge of madness, but it stayed on the right side. I enjoyed it.
What I liked most
I like the concert scene with the juxtaposition of the music and his feelings, and the quick shift as the armed terrorists entered.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The writing was clean, and I didn't notice any problems. I wish we could have gotten a little more of her character shown, as it was only really reflected in his reactions, but it can be challenging in a short story. I imagine the religious part might have been a little heavy handed for some, but his response as he left the scene seemed realistic, as we all try to pin the blame somewhere when we face danger, whether on ourselves or others.
Rating and Rationale
This was well written and interesting. I enjoyed it a lot.
Overall impression
This was very clever and entertaining, though at times the cleverness overshadowed the entertainment.
What I liked most
The ending was fun, and helped overcome some of the earlier cleverness.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
This kind of humor is tough to pull off. You did it fairly well, but you could use some polish in places such as when she tells him about wearing flannel. Everyone's self-awareness of their roles works at first, and then starts to grate. One way you might go is to trust the reeader to get the cliches a bit more. For instance, she could say, "Oh my god, you're wearing flannel. Does that mean you and I..." and he could reply, "You're gettiung ahead of yourself. I'm just fixing the shower." We would still get it, but it would leave the reader feeling clever for having gotten it, as opposed to groaning a bit that the writer was clever.
Rating and Rationale
Good, clever way to handle the story, but could use some reworking to make it better.
I really liked that you tackled this as science fiction, because it makes for an interesting and different approach. Unfortunately, I don't think you quite managed to find your hook.Overall impression
What I liked most
I like the science fiction angle, and liked what sense I could get of the Lattan appearance and cultural differences.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
It felt like you came up with a clever scenario and either didn't know what to do with it, or didn't manage to communicate what you wanted because you were trying so hard to not reveal it early. Whichever it was, the story didn't make as much sense as it should. Perhaps I am missing some obvious clues, but if so then perhaps they are not as obvious as you think.
Rating and Rationale
I had trouble understanding where the story was meant to be going or what was really happening or anybody's motivations. The story had some good potential, but couldn't seem to find its way.
I like the general feel of this, and the imagery is very nice. There are a few technical issues which could be easily fixed to make it even stronger. For one thing, you switch around tenses. When you say "The trees shiver and shake" or "Fireflies blink in the night" it is present tense, but "The brooks bubbled and whispered" is past tense. In general, it feels like present tense is what you intend here, so just check everything for past tense.
Another change you might consider is rewriting the stanza that says:
Fireflies blink in the night,
Watching me, and lighting up the trees,
Protecting me from the great big world,
Glowing brightly against the dark leaves,
It is the only place in the poem where you refer to "me", so it feels out of balance with the rest. You could easily replace it with
Fireflies blink in the night,
Watching and lighting up the trees,
Protection against the great big world,
Glowing brightly against the dark leaves,
or something like that. Also, I think "wounding" is not the word you meant in the otherwise excellent "Words wounding around my soul like beaten down trails". Probably you mean "winding".
Anyway, a bit more work, and I think this could be very good. Write on!
I found your poem through the Read & Review feature.
I like the idea behind your poem, and you wrap it up well, but I can't help feeling you would have a stronger poem if you used different synonyms and images for 'big'. I think it would both make the poem more interesting, but also lead the reader on so that the final twist felt more poignant. If you can get the reader caught up in the different images, the final one is more of a shock. As it was, I anticipated that there must be a counterpoint, so it was less of an impact.
It's clear why this won, as the story is fun and weird enough and well written. I like the twist, although I think you could have added some tidbit earlier to suggest why she would be able to determine where he was going. Later on, it seems as if she has been everywhere and everytime, but it makes less sense the first time or two.
And oh boy, the butterfly effect, but that's a matter for a more serious story.
This is an enjoyable and evocative poem about weather, which is a bit unusual as a topic. I like the build up and imagery.
There a couple of minor things I'd bring up, not because they are errors but because they tripped me up a bit. The first is the use of pique in the first line. I can see how it matches the definition, but is certainly not the usual use of that as a verb. I love unusual words and wordplay, but this tends to halt the reader immediately, before they can get into the sense of the poem. You might want to consider the word choice.
The second is the phrase medium gray, which seems unbalanced with Robin’s egg blue. See if you can come up with a similarly vivid adjective to describe the color. The obvious choice would be slate gray, but that also feels a little overused. What adjectives might suggest the coming mood better? Ash gray? Cinder grey? Almost anything would be better than medium gray, but only you as the poet can decide what feels right. Even if that means sticking with medium gray, of course.
I have a little trouble with the uneven meter, but it is consistent with the very uneven meter in See Saw, Margery Daw, so I'm going to view that as my problem rather than a problem with the poem.
I found your poem via the Read & Review feature. I really like this. The images work well, and the sassy tone is great. I stumbled a bit at the word geography, which almost seems like it should be geology instead, but I can see arguments for either.
In any case, an enjoyable poem. I look forward to reading more of yours.
I found this through the Read & Review feature, and am so glad I did. What a lovely testament to a strong woman going through the unimaginable, for her and for her family. This is well written and compelling. I sat with my mother-in-law as she was dying (at 96), and though it was sad, it was also peaceful. I can't even imagine having to do that with my wife at a younger age.
I found your poem through the Read & Review features.
While I know this is a very old item, I had a couple of thoughts for your.
Overall, I like this a lot. You do a good job with adjectives and images that run contrary to what you might expect, e.g., iron lips and exhausted floor, that nonetheless work well in this poem of post-breakup sadness and anger with a heart that doesn't want to give up.
My favorite part:
Stagnant memories of us
Intertwine
With ashes and dust,
Lying lifeless, impotent
On the dirty, exhausted floor.
With all that, the last line seemed a little lackluster. You do such a good job with the images before, and the broken and shattered words lend themselves to some image that evokes that better than incompetent.
There is one tiny technical issues, which is It's where it should be Its.
All in all, this is a fairly well written poem expressing your love. It is an older poem, so I don't know whether you want to make changes, but for the sake of learning and growth, I'll comment on a couple of things that could be stronger.
The rhythm is mostly good, though the very last line is choppy and hard to read. The stresses on exactly like don't work well here. There are also a few word choices that feel quite forced in as filler, such as dear and It's true. A different sort of issue is my heart, my soul, my taste, where that last feels like, "Oh my, I really need a third thing, and it should rhyme easily."
But while there are several thoughts here, the poem is still quite nice. I just think that if you wanted, you could make it even better.
This is very cool. I love how you start off more seriously, with some vivid imagery:
I rip a shred of cloud,
ten craters hilled with snow.
I sift a square kilometer of sand.
but then, just as I think the poem is going one way, you throw in the italicized comment that changes the tenor completely. When I saw the great marshmallow mass, I thought the poem might have gone completely off the rails, but then I saw what you were doing and it came back into focus, changed yet again.
Great poem, all the way to the slightly irreverent end. Write on!
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~Joan Crawford
Overall impression
A somewhat misleading story with lots of twists and turns,
Adherence to rules and prompt
Interesting how you used the quotation, partly in a more literal sense and partly in a deeper sense. All rules were followed.
What I liked most
I liked the way you danced around what was going on, especially early on when she was talking about her different relationships all ending the same way.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The bit about her millions came up out of the blue. I am not sure it was absolutely necessary, but if it was, it needed to be integrated in more carefully. The story also had a bit of sense of "scenario" rather than "story". Why did they need her to confess, given who they were and the fact that they already seemed to know what happened?
Rating and Rationale
I gave this four stars because it was well written but suffered a but from a sparse plot/purpose.
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~Joan Crawford
Overall impression
A lovely story with a rich, well developed world that could easily contain many more stories.
Adherence to rules and prompt
Good use of the quotation for inspiration. Followed all rules.
What I liked most
I loved the quiet mystery of the wisps.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
This was well written. I am not 100% sure exactly what happened to the children, but like the mystical way they were drawn together, and the way the father's love kept him waiting and searching.
Rating and Rationale
This was rich and well written, and ultimately very satisfying. I like the glimpse into a well developed world about which I'd love to read more. Five stars!
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~Joan Crawford
Overall impression
A story of abuse and violence followed by forgiveness.
Adherence to rules and prompt
All the rules were followed.
What I liked most
I liked the way the neighbors followed her on their scooter, though it was sad they waited so long.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
I found it difficult to read this due to the emphasis on forgiveness. Sometimes behavior is simply unforgivable. It may even be healthier for a person to forgive, but the way it iss emphasized in the story seemed like too much. The idea that his violence toward her was because he "loved her too much" is a difficult interpretation for me to accept, and detracted from the story.
Rating and Rationale
I gave this three and a half stars because while the writing is very good, the story feels very problematic and not terribly realistic.
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~Joan Crawford
Overall impression
A mythology-inspired story about Dionysus and Ariadne.
Adherence to rules and prompt
Followed lla the rules and prompt.
What I liked most
I like the Ariadne portions better.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
This was very interesting. I am not sure whether I would have enjoyed it more if I had known the mythology better. Probably. As it was, I enjoyed the dual perspectives while sometimes feeling a bit lost as to what was actually happening.
Rating and Rationale
I gave this four stars for very good writing, but a somewhat unclear plot for those not well versed in mythology.
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
~Joan Crawford
Overall impression
Fascinating story of of a person who feels wronged, but doesn't anticipate the vengeance which is unleashed.
Adherence to rules and prompt
Follows the rules and prompt well.
What I liked most
I loved the writing and imagery. Definitely pulls you in.
My general suggestions and technical concerns
The ending doesn't feel quite right. His regret is one thing, but are the woman and chilkd connected? Are they both just symbols of what he thought wasn't there, but was? I needed a bit more.
Rating and Rationale
I gave this four and a half stars because it was well written and compelling.
I like this quite a bit. It feels emotional, and mostly carries through what I think you are trying to accomplish. I have a few small suggestions that you could consider, though they are less problems than ideas.
My heart is made
of glass that is
now cracked
I think this would be stronger without that is, and would flow better into the later
never breaking
never emptying
Something didn't read right in the line
that soon you are too
The "soon" feels out of place. If I understand the meaning right, I think you could get rid of the word entirely.
A more tentative suggestion is that in the line
and too afraid to ask for
you could consider instead
and too afraid to request
I like the way it balances the word "receive" in the line before, but I am not sure it is as strong as "ask for". So, think about it, but certainly trust you intuition after you do think about it.
You have been around WDC a long time, as have I. Recently, I've been going through some of my older poems and stories and cleaning them up a bit. When I saw this poem of yours, untouched in a decade, I thought I'd at least mention a few things that could be done to clean it up. I imagine your skills are much better now, so I'll focus more on issues than solutions.
You have a few instances of inverted phrases which often mean we are squeezing a sentence into a different form to try to fit meter or rhyme. A good example is And now I do this tell:, which is quite awkward and unnatural. My guess is, if you think about that line and the rhyming line, you can probably come up with a better way to phrase them to both rhyme and sound smooth.
Another issue I see is one I still struggle with, but used to use much more. That is words like "Just" and "So" which are only there to fill out the line. Instead of seeing these as problems, see these as opportunities to expand the vocabulary and make it richer, or add more emphasis. You could replace Just stop pressing that bell. with Please stop pressing my bell!, which expresses the same sentiment but sounds more like what a woman would say at this point. Or you could use Please leave my bell alone!, and use that to come up with a smoother or richer way of saying the earlier line. If you work on the two together, you'll do better, I am sure.
The one last comment I would make is that some of your rhymes are very simple one syllable words, life/wife, tell/bell. That is okay sometimes, but it makes the poem seem too forced. Try to find ways to say the same things with more expressive and unique rhymes.
I hope you take all this in the spirit intended, which is to say, I know you can improve this, and it is a decent enough poem to be worth the effort.
I am tempted to say, "No, this is word saaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad"
But then I read again, and it feels like there might be some cohesion. There might be a thread there trying to make a statement about anger and toxicity, but it is not quite clear. One of the challenges with poetry is that it can be so intensely personal it does not speak to others well. This may well be one of those poems. Or it might be word salad after all. You're the poet, so I'll leave the interpretation to you.
This is a fascinating poem filled with vivid imagery. I admit, without the description, I wouldn't have been certain it was about anxiety and depression, but I would have suspected it.
I love the symbolism of the anxiety eating one from the inside, and the refrain is excellent:
With you and you alone
Yet you are not alone
Overall, great work. There are a few places where you could tighten this up to read more smoothly.
From the inside there is something eating and feasting
This just feels more clunky than it should. Perhaps you could just get rid of the first "the", or perhaps From inside, it eats and feasts
Not sure. You are the poet, so play with it to see if it could work better.
Another issue is the last line,
And some other way for us to this sober
Using "sober" as a verb is iffy at best, but it also doesn't work here. I feel like the last two lines need some reworking, but I'll leave it to you to think of how it might better match your vision.
Hey, Ken, I found this through the Read & Review feature.
As usual, I lovely and well-written poem, very pleasing to the ear. Sadly, I wouldn't be the pedantic old fool I am if I didn't have a couple nits to pick.
In the line:
in rhythm with the small breeze that’s begun,
That "small breeze" breaks the rhythm a bit, and also feels a little lacking in imagination. Could I suggest "zephyr" instead, or is that too pretentious?
A similar issue shows up in:
for soon the warm touch of spring will renew.
The stresses on "warm touch" aren't right, and it feels a little bland. I'm not quite sure what to suggest. From a meter and stress point of view, perhaps:
for soon the warmth of springtime will renew.
but the imagery of "warm touch" is lost. If you hadn't already used breath, I'd suggest that. In any case, I'll leave that for you to ponder.
An even more tenuous point, but I thought I might as well make it is in:
Its feather-like dispersion softly shrouds
Somehow the "feather-like" feels clunky. In what way is it like a feather? Is there any way you could either change it to "feather light" or to some other word that showed an image rather than telling us an image?
Anyway, lovely poem in spite of my hopefully not-too-annoying suggestions. Write on!
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