First Thoughts:
That this was an interesting story with some potential, but several grammer mistakes kind of threw of the flow of this item.
What I liked:
The well done imagry and leaving room for expansion of the story. That is always a plus in my book.
What I think could be improved:
You made several spelling a gramitical errors, the reason for a 3 star rating. An example is: “Well I guess I go call Zack right now.” Said Jeff.
This should read '"Well I guess I will go call Zack right now," said Jeff.
My suggestions:
Go back and edit this piece because alot of this is little stuff that can be found easily, like skiping words and forgeting commas.
Closing Thoughts:
As a story though, I thought this was a very interesting read. It was deffinitly worth reading.
Wow, a very powerful piece. And very well writen. I like how you made the reader have no idea that the women texting Luke was actually where he was, till later in the story. I believe this added mood of the story.
Really the only suggestion I can offer is to indent your paragraphs. Nicely done!
A very compelling story, I find myself wanting to read more and find out what the man's reaction would be when he reads the letter.
One nit picky thing I did notice:
"As she moved through the apartment, each memory each thought not matter how insignificant turned into a burning pain followed my more tears." In this line it should probably read 'no matter how insignificant'.
This is a great contest and I am beyond glad that it exists. Fantasy is by far my favorite genre to read and write. Since this is a fantasy only contest month in and month out, it creates a reliable outlet for me to post my newest creations. Thankyou to all the people who created and help to support this contest.
I liked the way you aproached the switching, and you have a creative ending. Although there were several typos in this piece.
"Although it was in good shape, t
there were heavy woods on both sides," An extra t in this line.
"Sorry to freighted you, Frank. I know your doing the best you can but I’m going down the telling everyone we are going to speed up production.”
Should be "Sorry to freighten you,.."
These are just a couple of the typos, you should go back and edit this piece. But having said that, this piece is very creative and has alot of potential.
Once again, I find myself completely sucked into your story. Your imagination has created an incredible world and your words, in my opinion, have depicted this world very well.
Didn't find any typos or small errors in this portion.
Keep up the good work, and let me know when you write the next chapter.
Very good, just like the prologue you sucked me in from the beginning and kept me interested.
I especially enjoyed the dialogue, it seems to be rather authentic and you managed to give each character a distinct voice.
Now for the nit picky stuff; this is the only thing I saw: "Andre bowed his thanks, then straightened and watched thoughtfully as Enrick make his way through the crowd, trying to make sense of the encounter." In this line "Enrick make" shoud be Enrick made.
I like your story and the style of writing you presented it in. The style here was very different in that you tell it like you are telling a friend.
Although I would lose the "It looked like a sideways eight, like the symbol for infinite, with four dots over the middle of the top and bottom, kind of like this:
(Well I can't draw it in on the computer)" line, it detracts from the story alittle too much in my oppinion.
Overall this was a well writen story and I enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you writed a sequel.
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