This is a beautifully descriotive piece about the beach. It's lovely and serene. I don't have a lot of comments about it except that you seemed unhappy with it. My only suggestion is that if you wanted to spice it up a bit, you could maybe pull out your thesaurus and spruce up the word quality. The choice of words used can often bring a poem from ordinary to extrordinary. I personally think the poem is nice in it's simplicity.
If you have any comments, questions or concerns reguarding this review feel free to email me, I am always willing to help.
'the one and only BlackStump'
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Overall Impression:the tale of the groundhog.. told very descriptively. A nice enjoyable tale.
Essential Elements:
The imagery in this poem was VERY well done. I think this was my favorite aspect of your piece. Descriptively this poem is right there.
The flow of the piece is well done as well, and it moves along at a good speed and doesn't chop by at all.
Final Comments:
Very solid piece.
If you have any comments, questions or concerns reguarding this review feel free to email me, I am always willing to help.
'the one and only BlackStump'
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Okay, you got me. I thought from the title that this sounded humorous, and wow it so isn't. I got to the end and my jaw literally dropped. OK now that it's back closed...
I didn't realize completely until the last line what was really going on, I had a few ideas of course, but I didn't totally get it... then like I said BANG. LOL. Great job. :D
A folder with more folders.... how intriguing. I am out of review time for now, but will return to your port to read some of your masterpieces, for now, I'll give your lovely folder an awesome rating and try to get your work a little attention :D. I shall return...
First Impression:
Ok, it says a short story, but I felt a bit confused at the begining, like something was missing somewhere. Maybe a little more background info would help. Plot:
The exact plot was a little unclear beyond a guy being in love, and I gather he's been in love before. Characters:
There wasn't a lot of info on either character, just a conversation. Grammar:
I found no errors in grammar or spelling Final Impression:
This was a good dialogue piece, and it was very believable in that way. I did think it needed more to it, but with a little bit of detail it could be awesome.
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First Impression:
I must be honest and say that a fantasy of this type is not something I would normally go out of my way to read. It is though, very imaginative, and well written. I did find the initial part where he turned into the zebra a little confusing, but I think that worked well with the story. Plot:
The plot was well developed, and told a nice story about a battle between good and evil. Characters:
The character descriptions allowed a nice peek into the personalities of the charactersand gave the reader a good sense of who they were. Conflict:
Traditional conflict of man versus himself, in that the young boy was there for a bad deed, but turned his ideals sround quickly. Grammar:
I found no grammatical errors or typos. Final Impression:
This story has many undertones concerning the goodness and badness in all people, and how sometimes it's so easy to do the wrong thing, yet most often the right thing will overcome. I enjoyed the story quite a bit even though it wasn't my usual read.
The words of thie poem are beautiful, and flow well from line to line naturally and unforced. My concern for this piece is an almosr complete lack of punctuation.I am a very firm believer that a poem needs the structure of punctuation to tell te reader how thye intended it to be read.
Overall the emotion in this poem is outstanding, and the moral is a good reflection of those feeling. I enjoyed the read.
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The emotion in this poem is heart wrenching, and to me that is the most important thing about poetry, the feeling. I did find some typos and I think the punctuation could be done differently. If you'll indulge me here...
This is the way you have it...
"Every time I see your face,
It’s always full of hate,
and every time i see your eyes,
their always just so angry,
You do things to spite me,
You go out of your way to hurt me,
but don’t give a crap if I need your help.
I just don’t know what to do anymore,
People say that your being protective,
but it seems that you try to make me cry,
I can’t handle this anymore,
when will you move away,
I can’t sleep when your around,
You pick on everything I do,
I don’t want anything from you,
I thought that you were supposed to care for me,
I don’t love you, big brother,
I hate you...
I hate you so much."
These are the changes I would make, to help with flow and rythym...
(Every time I see your face
It’s always full of hate,
and every time I see your eyes,
they're always just so angry.
You do things to spite me;
You go out of your way to hurt me.
You don’t even care if I need your help.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
People say that your being protective,
but it seems you like to make me cry.
I can’t handle this anymore.
When will you move away?
I can’t sleep when your around,
you pick on everything I do.
I don’t want anything from you,
I thought you're supposed to care for me.
I don’t love you, big brother,
I hate you!
I hate you so much.
Very nice. It follows the haiku form well, and contains pictuesque imagery as most haiku does. I applaud your way with this form as I find it extremly difficult to capture a mood in such few syllables and words. You have done very well with this poem, and it was a pleasure to read.
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'THE ONE AND ONLY'
This piece is very well written. Overall I enjoyed it a lot. It flows well, and follows the rhyme pattern you set out well. It sounds soft and pretty like a poem should. As for imagery and word usage, both are ieal, you used such clear descriptives I can clearly envision it, while the words chosen are not too simple and not too complex, making it a really easy to follow piece.
The moral in this piece is one that as a parent myself is extremely relevent to my everyday life. I applaud the message. I do however think the poem needs a little bit of work. It doesn't flow together almost at all, and the way it's written it's like 2 very large run on sentences. I think both would be improved if you chopped the longer lines in 2, and changed the punctuation some, breaking it into smaller sentences. I believe this would also help the flow.
Lovely piece. It has a good rhythym overall and follows the rhyme scheme very well. The only place I feel maybe a little adjustment is the last stanza. I feel the line "That seems to scream, "Brighter day"!" seems to throw the rythym of just a bit. All I would probably suggest would be a slight adjustment of the words or something.
Such a woeful tale this poem tells. In my opinion, it doesn't flow like a poem especially a sonnet should though. The lines just don't seem to lead into each other. It seems to follow the prescribed form but just doesn't sound right in a few places to me.
Hehehe, very simple, but it sounds soooo much like my dog. All she ever seems to want out of life is a good pat, or a belly rub... technically thie is a simpler yet well written piece. It has a good pattern to it, and flows well. Short and sweet. Way to go!
Hahaha. Almost humorous in the way it speaks of disliking poetry, in a poem. What a neat idea. It flows very well, and has a nice rhythym to it. It goes rather quickly, but fits well with the theme. I love how you included little bits about some of the classics... added to the ambaince. Good job!
I assume this is a poem related to your life, and I applaud you for quitting, and giving up your battle with smoking. I have not accomplished that yet. In the way of poetic merit, I think there are a few places where this poem is a little weak.
"Today will be the day I will fight my bad habit.
I saw a commercial about a turtle and a rabbit."
like in the above quote, there are a few places where I find the words used for te rhyme were just used to make the rhyme, and don't make actual sense to the poem. Pehaps a rhyming dictionary will be helpful to find a more appropriate word. Here's the link for thr free online rhyming dictionary I use ....
I also find the rhythym of this poem a bit stilted, even though it shouldn't be with the line lengths and such. It just sounds choppy almost all the way through instead of poetic like it should.
I do love the message in this poem, and think with a little work it could be a really good poem. I hope this review was of some help to you.... Have a great day.
I really liked the form you used for this one. It reads well, and looks appealing to boot. I like the use of the shorter lines... makes it go by fast almost in a hurried manner, but that suits this piece.
I'm not sure what "The blinds rattle,The walls crack and collapse," has to do with the rest of it, and I had to read it a few times to realize it was a coffin... Perhaps a little clarification is needed? Just a suggestion. My fave thing about it si the darkness... dark poetry is my favourite genre. Have a great night.
It is obvious that this poem comes from the heart, andthat is the most important thing in poetry. I do have a few suggestions however. First, in the second stanza, I think there may be a word missing in this line "I didn't you were like that,"
Second, I think starting a sentence in the 4th stanza, and finishing it in the 5th makes it a bit awkward. In free verse there are no rules about where or when you should split the stanzas, so perhaps adjusting that may be a helpful idea. I really enjoyed this piece, Thanks for sharing it
It's a very nice sweet poem, with good imagery. I do have 2 suggestions, however. First, the flow of the piece is way off, I think if you even out the lines either by syllables, or simply by length it will help some. Second it is my opinion, that poetry needs punctuation as much as any piece of writing, so the reader knows how you intended it to be read. Otherwise, the theme of lost love mabye rekindled love is very clear, and the emotion is well done. You may also want to run the spell check I found at least 3 typos. eg.cahllege, togather, would'nt, belive
The emotional impact of this poem is great. It has a clear theme, and is well described. I did find it read a bit choppey in spots, but nothing a little tweaking wouldn't help.
This is a great idea for a poem, with a very clear message. I do think it's word usage is a bit simplistic though, and enhancing the words, and the imagery, could take this poem to a better place. I really liked how you balanced the long and short lines, to kind of display the way the time was passing. I also liked the way you switched it up at the end by saying you wanted it to be over. A job well done.
All I have to say about this one is WOW! I have been feeling rather old the last couple days, so I just happened upon this piece at just the right time. You have done such a marvelous job on this one too. YAY!
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What a beautifully descriptive poem. The imagery is very well done, and fills my mind with pretty peaceful images. Your word usage is also well done, and the chosen words flow well together. Overall a very good piece. Keep up the good work.
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