Jajul is confronted by aliens who wish to see it destroyed once it develops space travel, before it can grow powerful enough to threaten them.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story has a classic sci-fi theme and resolution.
What Might Be Improved:
Word choice, stylistic flow, and clarity of descriptions so that the characters are memorable and distinct from one another. This story has a solid thematic progression but is otherwise hard to read, and it's difficult to engage meaningfully with its characters. Unfortunately, the changes needed are many, but mostly stylistic.
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Miriam spared no expense on a window with a view for the freighter she and her crew had planned to ride across the solar system. If only she had invested as much in the backup generator.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This vignette has a solid concept: karmic retribution played out against a rich woman who skimped on safety measures, with a long, slow inter-solar flight as the backdrop. Miriam is a believable and sympathetic character, even though her decisions predictably resulted in her death. Yet it's easy to have sympathy for the vengeful laborer who has come to shorten the remainder of her dwindling life. The details you provide make the scene both poignant and plausible.
What Might be Improved:
Miriam, the closest thing the story has to a protagonist, makes one decision during the course of the story, and it's not clear that it matters in any way except to show her humanity and to underline her regret. And so this piece is a vignette, not a story with a plot and a climax but a footnote to a tragedy ordained by fate. To change that would be to rethink your vision, but I do wonder if there's a story there to tell.
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations on winning the October edition of the Contest!
Joseph James proposes a radical solution to saving millions of lives from a comet collision with earth - to the consternation of a trillionaire who stands to lose much of his fortune.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
The basic underlying conflict between saving lives and economic success, personified by the conflict between Fitzgerald and the UN team, was a strong choice backed by plausible world-building. The solution feels credible, and the story has a feel-good ending, with lives saved and a number of anti-social trillionaires showing their colors and turning tail away from earth society.
What might be improved:
This story could benefit from better adhering to traditional story structure, with protagonists, antagonists, and with tension rising throughout the story to be resolved during the climax. This piece mimics that structure to a degress, but without important weaknesses.
For instance, there are "good guys" and "bad guys," but the focus of the third-person omniscient narrator is on providing a straightforward recording of events, not necessarily identifying with JJ or any specific character. Additionally, the way the story is told, Chen's decision to go with JJ's plan seems inevitable - at no point does the reader wonder whether this will be the case. And while Fitzgerald points out the comet would not be a planet-killer, no one provides a concrete example of what kind of damage it might do: concrete imagination of the stakes involved are guaranteed to increase the tension involved in the story.
Second, I do see some technical problems associated with the scenario described. As I reader, I must I admit that I am unusually critical of problems associated with technical plausibility, so this may be a lesser concern. But in essence, space is big and the size of a net needed to capture a comet would be small in comparison, and not likely to do a ridiculous amount of damage to earth's infrastructure. Especially so given that Kessler syndrome would be at least as damaging to that infrastructure as it would be to launching rockets. Now, if those rockets had to lug a space station into a collision course with the comet to stop it, that might be another matter!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and a good read!
The Vyrgth's weapons are terrifying, eliminating world after world, leaving no survivors to tell the tale. But this time will be a little different.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This piece paints a picture of a far future with human and android civilizations spanning many systems, and introduces a terrifying and mysterious threat. The dialogue between Drann and Jak works to lay out this setting and, while it's difficult to develop characters in a short story as individuals, it adds humanity to the tale. I do like the bit about Drann installing a fake stomach to live with the androids.
What Might Be Improved:
The Commander's confidence throughout the piece seems hollow and unfounded. It seems like you're aiming for the use of the space-ripper being the point of climax: playing up the risks and adding more drama to the even itself could give your story more impact. Otherwise, some attention can be given to the writing style: changing the pacing, giving color to the descriptions, and otherwise using the response of the characters to the events happening as a means of building dramatic tension.
Thanks again for your contribution to the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations on being the July Contest Winner!
Leftover munitions from the fourth Klamik war kill the innocent and inspire respondents to take action.
Thanks for your entry in the Scientific Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
Post-war effects are real and serious, and those who save lives rather than take them make good protoganists.
What Might Be Improved:
I don't see much of a traditional story structure here, character development, or plot progression. Leaving aside writing skill and style, it's very hard to write a long vignette that really holds an audience's attention. Pay close attention to effect you want to have on your readers!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Contest! Looking forward to a strong plot in your next production!
SOCA (formerly a human named Kenn) is tasked with killing the president for "The Men in Black." But the president's security was a little more prepared than expected.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
You provide a vivid vision of an attempted assasination, told with character. The writing is generally clean and the style appropriate to the story.
What Might Be Improved
My most immediate criticisms of this piece are somewhat cliched: don't dump information that doesn't directly relate to the plot or character interplay, and remember to show, not tell. You describe an impression of the president's character, what effect he likes to have, not how he looked to the audience (or the viewpoint character). The description of SOCA too was an information dump. It did provide an important opportunity to explain his motivations, but it wasn't clear to me why a soulless person would suicide to protect his masters. It might make sense that life in captivity would be unbearable, but the paragraph doesn't actually make clear that he believed captivity was inevitable - only that failing the mission was.
Thanks again for your entry in thr Science Fictoin Short Story Contest! Looking forward to your next story!
The description of the president was not long, but felt a bit like an information dump.
Sally returns from the grave to speak to her husband through an AI chatbot - or does she?
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
One of the more common suggestions from Silicon Valley Transhumanists (such as Kurzweil) is that the path to immortality is to download oneself into an AI replica. Common in this group is the suggestion that AI replicas can be generated based on information about a person, even after they have died - and that regardless of whether such entities are truly conscious, they can be a commfort to those who have lost loved ones in flesh and blood.
This short story provokes the reader with the related concept of whether a ghost can enter a machine, merging spirit with an AI replica. It also brings up the very relevant point that there will certainly be entities with financial incentives to convince humans that the bots are sentient, and attempt to profit from the deception.
What Might Be Improved:
I personally did not prefer the word choice associated with Sally's affectionate language, including examples such as "Fluffy Fun Pot." However, these aesthetic choices can be very individual. To me they feel crass and unrealistic, but I could easily see how from another perspective they'd be deliverately fun and irreverent. So feel free to task my perspective here or leave it, but I'd ask around, as that kind of aesthetic signaling can be surprisingly powerful in attracting or repelling different audiences.
The "hook" in this story is Jack and Sally's relationship. If Sally is real, the relationship can be preserved, and at least some of his desparate loneliness assuaged. If not, it represents a deep and cynical betrayal by some nameless actor looking for a buck, one that threatens to poison Jack's memory of his beloved. To increase the emotional power of this story, you could work to better sell Jack's connection, Sally's love, his own desperation, and the depth of the non-physical aspects of their love. These things are implied, but not really shown. You've got a good start, but I could imagine this being reworked with no change to the plot to really hit the reader hard.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story, and Congratulations on being this month's winner!
Captain Jag and his crew scavenge a replacement ship from an old Titan colony.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Sorry for the long-delayed review: I've been dealing with some things and shirked my responsibilities here.
What I liked:
A group of drifters making their living off the scraps of a lost species of aliens provides an interesting setting for science fiction. The humans aren't able to provide to Research enough data to answer what's going, but they do manage to keep flying - for now. The protagonists of this story and their struggle to replace their ship provide an in-the-moment conflcit that allows the mystery of the Titans to be discussed.
What Might Be Improved:
While I like the idea of a forground conflict set against a background mystery, I don't find that conflict as gripping as I might. The loss of a crewman and the fear of being stranded in a deadly Titan colony ought to provide a sense of fear, a sense that the stakes are high for the crew, but for me they don't. For all the captain's urgency, I get a sense that the scavenging mission is just another day at the office for a people living in a desparation that the reader only barely glimpses. Strong characterization and amplification of the stakes of the current conflict could make this story much more powerful. This is the kind of story I could see forming the basis of a book, for which this piece could be a prologue or an excerpt - but it would be nice to see a bit more attention to selling the drama of the moment in terms of the characters and stakes involved.
Thanks again for your entry in the SCience Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations on winning this round of the Contest!
Voranda and others invesigate the source of decay destroying Thanius: a Deathbringer.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! My apologies for the long wait for the review: I've had lots going on personally that has been a bit difficult.
What I Liked:
The idea of a nearly invincible alien predator who is somehow able to reverse the technology used to attack it is a good, scary science fiction concept.
What Might Be Improved:
Uncharacteristically, I noted a number of grammar and capitalization errors in this piece - those might be worth fixing. Additionally, the general wording and presentation is weak and inconsistent, and does not do justice to the underlying plot ideas. Some paragraphs are reasonably well-written, but overall this remains an area worthy of focus.
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and for your efforts in bringing new plots to life!
Zhang is selected by the CCP to develop supersoldiers for his regime - at ruinous human cost. His conscience burdened by what he's brought into the world, Zhang embarks on a suicidal mission to remove his creation from the world - at least, for a while.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story is well-formed: it has visible stakes, a flawed protagonist, a progression toward a conflict, and is resolved through a difficult choice paid for by the life of the protagonist. Solid descriptions and well-placed background action add to the piece.
What might be improved:
Here I want to caution that my reactions are tempered by some familiarity with your writing, such that elements other might be happy with have become a bit more irritating with repetition, so please take this feedback with a grain of salt.
Despite Zhang's rebellion of conscience, the Chinese institutions in this piece come across as flat, cardboard cutout villains. In that context, Zhang's dialogue with Communist Party Officials and the naarative about its more dispensible "citizens" comes across as on-the-nose. Meanwhile, it seems there are no other players in the world other than Zhang and the Chinese Party. He doesn't seem to think about defection or escape in order to balance out the effects of his creation (surely less immediately threating than, say, the atom bomb) - just an attempt to destroy Pandora's Box of human genetic enhancement - even though it's already been opened. I wonder if America, Russia, or both of the Koreas have already begun their own programs by this time? It's a very interesting premise, but I do have to wonder a bit more where it all would lead. For this reason, I feel there's a good bit of unfulfilled potential here.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest and for a thoughtr-provoking piece!
A Monsignor in a fallen and sinful age hopes to bring about the return of his savior, but his apparently faithful assistant has more sinister plans.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
You offer in this piece distinct characters fulfilling distinct and conflicting roles, working to bring about a change in the world - but the type of change which will finally be wrought is revealed only in the end, through a twist. While sthis story is more religious in nature than scientific, it is always good to see the interplay between human desires and the technologies (such as cloning) that could bring them to light, as well as seeing proper respect given to the technical difficulties (such as verification and contamination) that characters in this situation might encounter. The conflict and progression in this story are well-developed here.
What Might Be Improved
There's not much time in this story given to personal chracter development, context, or description of the setting, though you attempt to address this somewhat by dialogue with characters who act in narrow roles. Using multiple scenes with disposable characters is a fine device for slightly longer fiction, but tends to weaken stories this short. You don't have much time to set up a conflict and make your point: the more characters and settings you introduce, the less justice you can do to each. Readers who gain a sense of immersion through concrete details are less likely to be drawn in, as are readers who have to work through the piece a couple of times to figure out which characters are trying to do what - the context switching costs associated with scene-switching should not be underestimated by a writer.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest and for a fun piece of writitng!
A lab assistant saves a universe from causual extermination.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
Many ideas have been popularized about where our universe came from and what its Creator might be like. Some favor Deism, figuring that the rules and matter of which our universe consists is selected from the narrow range of possible components and constants that might result in our being here to notice it. Others beleive in an originating spirit - perhaps anthropomorhpic, perhaps not. Others think we exist in a simulation - perhaps one within a vast stack of simulations, like Russian nesting dolls. And some speculate that we exist in someone's lab - or as in the movie "Men in Black," are held within a container collecting dust within an intergaliactic bus station.
This short story riffs off of these, imaginging a lab assistant who was witnessed the birth of life within an experiment meant to display the origins of matter creation in other dimensions. An assistant who approaches the event with a conscience and is willing to pay a price for that. This assistant acts as a narrator, explaining his choice after the fact to save a world full of innocents from causual extermination - a device that works well.
What Might Be Improved
Science fiction short stories are short stories first, and scientific second. They're mostly about connecting the world of ideas with human characters and emotion, making them more accessible. Perspective, tone, character, and word choice should be selected to highlight the subjects of the story in a way that achieves the desired emotional effect.
The tone in this story is mild melancholy, as the narrator reflects on what to him or her (we know very little about the only two characters in this story) are really the only possible choices that could have been made after the initial discovery is revealed. That is, there is little conflict here, little juxtaposition of interests, and while a universe was at stake, the lives and characters within it are fully hypothetical and so difficult to personally identify with. There are only a few ideas here and little personal interaction (or emotional reaction) with them on the part of the characters. Would telling the story from the perspective of the lab asistant in the middle of the events be more exciting? Would introducing more character and personality immerse the reader in these events, making the stake more real? Would a lab aisstant who still felt hunted and haunted make a more sympathetic narrator?
There's room to take this basic idea and make a lot more out of it, even in the cramped space of 2000 words!
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Hope to continue to see your thoughts come to life on the page!
In a world filled with superheroes, Jerome shows how special he is!
Thanks for your entry in BlackAdder's Cantina!
While your story fits more in the realm of fantasy than Space Opera, it otherwise fits the prmopt requirements, so I'll allow it - and I definitely enjoyed the entry! This story puts a spin on the typical superhero genre, with many potential heroes competing to protect a relative few normies from non-existent villains. While it brings to my mind Sanderson's Reckoners series, Piers Anthony's Xanth series, a number of made-for-TV series, and makes allusions to The Incredibles, this story stands on its own.
This piece follows (using a third-person limited perspective) one Jerome, a likeable characters whose relevant backstory is revealed during the dialogue in a way that effectively forwards the plot. While the story doesn't revolve around a strong climactic action on part of the protagonist, the information revealed performs a similar function, making this an entertaining read - and this contest's Winner!
Congratulations and thanks for swinigng by BlackAdder's Cantina!
Kattuel uses a machine to boost Jazon's growth in the hopes of finding a way to compete with giants - but was this a fatal mistake?
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I Liked:
This is the kind of plot I've come to enjoy from you: seemingly straightforward, but well-planned and leading to a dark twist. While it would be nice to have a little more to distinguish the characters, they were made memorable by their roles, and by Jazon's acceptance of his sacrificial role.
What Might Be Improved:
I would like to see a little more color in the characters you offer, and for the narrative and dialogue to be less on-the-nose. Still, with some work on the story-telling aspects, this could be a very strong story.
Thanks for your Entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and thanks for your patience in waiting for the review!
A sentient forest conquers a great land, but falls in time to newcomers and evoultion continues.
What I liked:
I was very pleased to see an original story written from the perspective of a network of trees. It's very difficult to write a story that spans eons, but a semi-immortal being such as an intelligent forest can plausibly do it without breaking character. It' been a long time since I've read science fiction from such a perspective, and it's refreshing.
What Might Be Improved:
While this is a clever and coherent story, it doesn't have a choice-driven plot. Rather, in keeping with the fatalistic tone, the forest doesn't give the impression that it's sentience allowed it to make any choices, correct or incorrect. Failing to adapt was not a source of regret for the trees, because the reader is not given a sense they every had a choice either way - and what is sentience without choice?
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction SHort Story Contest, and Congratulations on winning this month's contest!
The Chavez family gets a first-row seat in the diaspora from Earth to the stars.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
A great deal of thought clearly went into your planning of humanity's expansion: the story of these worlds is clever and detailed for a 2000 word short story, and using one family as a viewport into it seems like a good choice.
What Might Be Improved:
Unfortunately, it's difficult to tell a story on the scale of centuries in a couple of thousand words. In that word budget, a writer typically has to choose between painting a picture of the passage of centuries and telling a story - it's very difficult to have both, and the Science Fiction Short Story Contest is about stories. Additionally, the vision of a US-led interstellar future with China and Russia playing the backward, evil heavies of the piece seems a tad trite: a key rule of high-quality fiction is to make villains interesting and relatable. Still, much of what you've accomplished here is imaginitive and impressive - thanks for putting in the time for the contest and for your readers!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
In a world of near-constant rain, several characters work to build an agrarian life.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
I enjoyed your dialgoue this time: I don't know if you spent more time on editing and character development, but it read more naturally than in the previous month's story. The concerns of your characters and the way they were expressed added life and color to your writing.
What Might Be Improved:
While you are still growing as a writer, I can usually count on your works to contain a solid progress and story structure, including a plot twist. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite figure out where you were going this time, even if the road was better paved.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! And your patience.
Nolan and Zara are on the run from the emperor, Zara's father. It seemed they had escaped, had made an idyllic life, but the Emperor was not so easily deterred.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This story is built on a pretty enjoyable plot concept, and the writing was pleasant to read. This story gives the impression of a world behind it, complete with a well-conceived set of technological capabilities and political systems. Well done!
What might be improved:
This story reads like an introductory chapter to a longer story. A short story canot fit a three-act story arc with inciting event, pinch point, three distasters, a major obstacles, and a false sense of security before the final act. Instead, in a short story, stakes have to be set up quickly (and you did a good job with this), and then a conflict must be set up that pivots about the choices of one of the characters. Nolan's choices, as well as the setup of traps, were performed in the past - despite the AI anlysis of the assaulting bugs, Nolan and Zara don't actually do much once the action starts but escape. Science fiction can be a technical genre, but a bit more focus on what the main character's choices during the story will strengthen your story's emotional impact. Additionally, give some thought to Nolan and Zara, and the dialogue between them. You don't have a great deal of time to establish depth and dimension to them or their relationship, but a bit more dialogue that is a bit less on-the-nose would strengthen them as protagonists.
Thanks for an enjoyabnle story, and Congratulations on winning April's Contest! And please forgive me for the horribly delayed review.
Prince Elbron journeys to the land of goblins in search of victory, but more importantly: peace. Unfortunately, he's about to discover how truly naïve he is compared to the being pulling the world's puppet strings.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This is a fresh and interesting perspective on a typical fantasy conflict, and the insight associated with this dark-morality story is well-delivered, as the crux of the plot twist. It's always difficult to mix a personal tale with a story of world-level drama, but you make a petty good go of it, properly relegating the world-story to a background setting.
What Might Be Improved:
Much of the writing in this piece comes across as a bit on-the-nose. This is a difficult problem to solve in one's writing - it can take some real effort to vary the perspective associated with otherwise simple explanations, to put in a enough creative word choice, humor, or irony in them to make them worth a second look. For anyone who's not used to be the life of a party (and I am certainly not), it takes practice, and at first may not be something that can be expressed in a first draft. My suggestion, if you want to get good at it, is to go back through your writing a second time and try to make every sentence *interesting*. It's a lot of work, but you may find it worth the effort - it will certainly make it easier in the future to get the same effect in your first draft.
Thanks for a strong entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! Hope to see you by again!
Josef plays a key role in the human rebellion against the the technological totalitarianism of Tom Gilford and Ivan, his right-hand man in evil. But the real power and the credit go to Zephart the Wizard and The Field of Spirits, who embark on a mission to save humanity from itself.
What I liked:
This is a creative piece, with just enough in the way of allusions to the rise of Nazis, tales of the Fay, and fears of mad scientists to tickle an audience's fancy. It depicts sweeping, world-shattering events in the span of a short story.
What Might Be Improved
It's difficult to tell the story of individual characters and the story of a world at the same time, and nearly impossible to do it well in a short story: the few words you have available are directed either at depicting the individual characters or at depicting world events. A writer is typically forced to choose between them. Worse, few people find world-stories as compelling to listen to as stories of individuals, and so the typical fantasy epic-in-a-box focuses in on one pivotal event told from the perspective of a small number of individuals, with most of the world-scale drama simply implied. Attempts to center the world-scale drama and place individual stories in the background typically both come across as cartoonish and fall a bit flat in delivery. To your credit, this is one of the better attempts I've seen at making that formula work, and I genuinely enjoyed it. However, you might want to rethink using the formula - typically, placing the dystopian world drama in the background and centering one key decision or conflict of a carefully depicted character works better.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest! It was a pleasure to taste a slice of the recipe you've cooked up!
Sarah and James navigate a niche pocket of freedom within a totalitarian world corrupted by demonic temptation.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
A consistent theme in your more dystopian writing about technology is the potential for moral and spiritual corruption the power of technology represents. This resonates: without discipline, power may be directed toward bad ends. The nature of humanity (in religious terms, humans' fallen nature) is to acquire power toward self-serving and hedonistic ends - this work is one vision of what might result.
What Might Be Improved:
For one less familiar with your work, it may be hard to see what you're trying to paint here and why. This is a vignette - there is not enough space here to develop a proper plot in line with the vision you're trying to present. And yet, the picture itself is not sufficiently clear and consistent to provide the reader a sense of immersion. It's not obvious to the reader why Max Rex is in charge, why demonic influences were able to corrupt human society so thoroughly, exactly why freedom was so valuable to James and Sarah, and so on. I might suggest you read your work from the perspective of the reader you are aiming to reach and see if your essay-as-vignette would touch you. My sense is that this vision as written needs a bit more development to become truly compelling to someone not already fairly frightened by the corrupting nature of the world in which we already live. While I think I see where you're going with this, you'll need a bit more in the way of carefully selected details to bring us into your imagination properly.
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Casum and Heluna are stranded for years within the event horizon of a black hole, where a machine protected billions of inhabitants and kept them from aging - until Casum and Heluna destroyed it all in order to return home.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
I enjoyed the idea of the possibility of surviving within a black hole - something like what was described in the movie Interstellar, but more extreme. The moral dilemma the characters faced (and their eventual selfish and destructive choices) gave emotional weight to the story.
What Might be Improved
Those elements of writing I have criticized in your stories have made another return: odd word choice and sentence structure mixed with on-the-nose dialogue and plot progression. Expert writers can draw readers in even with unimaginative plot and character arcs - with the right kind of practice, I expect you will, as well. I hope to see your storytelling skills grow to do your imagination justice!
Thanks again for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
Seb and Jill are pulled through a portal that moves them through the fifth dimension onto a strange island - and then greeted and later abandoned by a mad scientist.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This survival story has an odd beginning, but quickly develops into a plot and setting that would not be at all out of place in a computer survival game. The scientist waiting on the island is skillfully portrayed as both brilliant and untrustworthy, though not completely without compassion - after all, he leaves survival instructions for those he leaves behind. The story comes complete with an engaging idea for a setting and an attractive woman for Seb to share his adventure with - a solid response to the contest prompt.
What Might Be Improved:
As a response to the contest prompt, and as the introduction to a story, this piece works very well. As a story in its own right, it does not: the characters are offered no choices and receive no conflict - the passage ends at the story's inciting action. The pacing is appropriate for that choice - I see no way to adapt the piece to a fully developed story in the space allowed, but as a piece on its own the story suffers from being stuffed into the length requirements for the contest. As an introduction, the only thing I might suggest to make it hit a little harder is to offer a little more foreshadowing for "the rest of the story," include a bit more of an emotional response from Seb and Jill to the situation, and find a way to give the ending a better punch-line - describing the contents of an instruction note is a bit of a slow, dry way to deliver the gut-wrenching reality of the situation.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest - and Congratulations on winning the February edition of the contest!
Captain Moon goes back into the past to save the world - but what if every timestream is doomed?
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
This is a classic time loop science fiction dilemma, a bit like that in the PC game, "Into the Breach."
What Might Be Improved
The overall plot and characterization are solid: the primary opportunities for improvement would be in improving word choice (showing, not telling), and offering the next level of refinement and detail in the way the story itself is told. That kind of feedback is bit difficult to give, but my sense is that polishing the wordcrafting, especially at the ending, would offer a stronger sense of poignancy.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and Congratulations on being January's Winner!
By God's grace, Harold gets a second chance at a fulfilling life - in another time stream.
Thanks for your entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest!
What I liked:
I cannot think of a better use for time travel as a science fiction device than a redemption story, and Harold's redemption narrative, while brief, is touching. This story does a good job setting up the characterization and the plot stakes in a brief time, while providing a good answer to the plot prompt. Well done!
What Might Be Improved:
The denouement where Harold reflect on events with his colleague is an appropriate reflection scene, but it's a bit long in comparison to the main part of the plot: Harold's reconstruction of his life feels a bit short in comparison. Additionally, the dialogue seems in spots a little too on-the-nose - you might be surprised that I find the almost Deist religious reflections more compelling than the parallel programming analogies.
It fits the notion of a given redemption that Harold comes into the past knowing exactly what he did wrong and there is no real temptation not to fix his error - but it does remove some of the opportunity for tension during the main "present" part of the plot. If you do prefer that element, there are other ways to add tension or juxtaposition: for example, starting the narrative as Harold's life is imploding rather than when his second chance begins. This story offers a lot of promise if you choose to spend the time refining it. And if not - it was a good read.
Thanks for you entry in the Science Fiction Short Story Contest, and looking forward to seeing another strong entry!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/blackadder256
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 7:29am on Dec 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
