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12 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Last Contact  Open in new Window.
Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi!

As a grammar geek I enjoyed this piece. You have a good grasp of mechanics. One sentence that comes across as clumsy to me thought was " Or given to the foolish, paranoid superstitions that still others had feared." I understand why you wrote it that way, but I think it needs rewording.

As an avid (and longtime) sci-fi fan I have a little problem with the story, it being an old idea that has been done before. If you're going to take an idea that has been done before, you need to give it fresh life, but I don't see it here. If you had more details about the barbaric race of humans, perhaps the captain remembering conversations with the ship's sociologist detailing in which ways their barbarism was, it would have a greater payoff. (If you have ever read "Body Ritual among the Nacirema" you know what I'm talking about).

Finally you have this listed as "educational." I disagree that it is, but that might just be my own opinion.

Happy writing!

JT


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Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
First thought: this isn't a novella, it's nowhere long enough to be a novella.

Mechanics (punctuation and grammar)

There is quite a few mistakes here. Luckily, for you, I'm a grammar nerd.

You have quote (") marks in rather strange places ( Phelps too " tall,);(were taken " the one ); ( She did " her lips planted ).

You are overusing exclamation marks. Using too many weakens the point of them. ( I also liked chess! And math! And Dungeons and Dragons!) These are not needing exclamations, unless you are shouting each one, which you are not (and Math, as a subject, should be capitalized).

Your parallelisms are uneven ( I tried to play it off as being cool, shrugging myself, and scooted more toward). You should be keeping the same tense throughout (I played it off as being cool, shrugged myself and scooted).

"It was to the left." What was, the seat? the window? your chest? Do not use a pronoun unless you clearly identify the subject first.

Use of ellipses (...). This is not a Facebook status. Elipses should only be used in a quote when you are leaving something out ("Do..ask...what you can do for your country"), or when someone is talking and their voice trails off ("I'm not sure what you..." he ended limply.) Do NOT use them as a pause in writing, that's what a period is for.

Thematically it was quite nice, but you need practice on your mechanics.

JT


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review of Livdecar  Open in new Window.
Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this, but it isn't a true Limerick is it? It is more of an Imagist poem (which I actually enjoy more). To be a Limerick it must have a certain rhyme scheme and certain meter.

I'm not sure what Livdecar is, and neither does Google...although that is certainly not a prerequisite for enjoying this poem and seeing a frozen moment in time.
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Review of The ocean  Open in new Window.
Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

I find that most often as I review poetry I often have much to say about grammar, spelling, clumsy imagery and the like. I often end up suggestion different poets for the writer to look at to improve his craft.

But...I have no suggestions to make this better. This is a powerful poem that really speaks to me. I appreciate your use of form (I am so tired of "poets" that don't ever use rhythm or meter or how to even do so), I think your images are beautiful with deep impact.

I need to read more from you! Thank you


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5
Review of A Dent  Open in new Window.
Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Not a bad overall poem. The theme comes through nicely.

I had a couple of problems with it though:

Commitment and dent, although rhyming, comes off a bit jarring. It might be smoother is you change up the rhythm in the poem.

Which is where my second point comes in: because you're using a traditional ABAB rhyme scheme you will need to work on improving your rhythm, or it comes off as unfinished (you're using half of a tradition in a poem). Notice how many syllables are in each line - they vary all over the place so our minds cannot anticipate the ending rhyme. I'm not saying you have to use a strict meter (like Shakespeare) but a little smoothing rhythm will add to the rhyme scheme.

Last comment: the subject matter makes me think you are a late teen or early 20 something: it comes off as very "angsty". This isn't a bad thing, but it is a phase most young poets go through. As you grow as a poet take and expand on the emotional "ripples" that are being written about here. I would suggest reading some Ezra Pound and H.D. as an example of what I mean.

Good luck and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!Open in new Window..
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Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hmmm...I'm not sure if some of the words are non standard English that I don't know, foreign words, personally created words or misspellings.

For example: Od, San's, hadding

As well there are several words used in an odd (non traditional) way. Perhaps you are attempting a corruption of the rules purposely, but I can't tell.

Examples: Somes's (not sure how this make sense), Canny, wan, ire's (ire refers to temper, usually it cannot be used with a possessive case), journey's (again, why the possessive?)

Maybe your writing is beyond me but I am not sure I get all the meaning that is meant here (and I love Pound's Cantos).

Feel free to masseage me with explanations.


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7
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Review by biKri Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Quite funny, but a couple of grammatical errors caught me off guard.

There should be a comma between darling and sweet (Oh darling, sweet darling) in all the places this form occurs.

Stanza 2, line 3, if you're going to put "the moon" you should put "the sun" as well.

Stanza 2, line 6: is the inversion of good and is on purpose? It draws attention to itself.

Stanza 5 line 5, it should be "clothes" hanging cord, not "cloths".



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