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73 Public Reviews Given
74 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
for entry "GRACE" Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Style: You've already provided your format for me. First person perspective helps put the reader 'into' the poem, to great effect.


Rhythm: First, I commend you for setting for yourself more rigid parameters line 7-syllable lines. It really helps the rhythm stay consistent. I will say, however, that there was one spot that I just could read right:

"Giving us a message that/ we too should give warmth and glow"

That second line...I think its an outlier because it breaks the rhythm pattern. I have a lot of trouble remembering the names, but you have three metric feet here:

// | _ _ / | _/ so stressed, stressed; unstressed unstressed stressed; unstressed stressed.

Typically your first line also has three, though different, feet, but this line just really didn't read the same, especially coming off of the iambic-esque lines that come before.


Imagery: Pretty good, on the whole. I really love "the moon/ up above the floating cloud" but I would also love to see more! It isn't hard for anyone to imaging looking up into the sky and being awestruck by it. Everyone at some point in time has gotten lost up there. I know I have! So my suggestion to you is to, if you consider rewriting this, go out and stare at the sky, whichever time of day you want, maybe two or three times (I love twilight, it's the best of both worlds and you get a magestic sunset (or rise) as well). And then just touch the grass, taste the air, see the sky, hear it too. You might find you have far more to say about Grace.

We as writers are merely scribes for our senses and imaginations.


General Criticisms: I really do like what you have to say. I really think grace is a powerful thing, and I by no means with my above comments feel that you fell short of your poems objective. I feel it could be strengthened, but I feel that it was effective all the same.

I'm glad I got to chance into your port.


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/bigvill...
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Review of Scooby-Doo Sequel  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This sounds like a really fun interactive story!

I do really worry that you are overextending yourself with having ALL of these movies in one section though! Perhaps choose one to really focus on, telling people in the description to focus on it, so that you have a real chance to develop that story.

Otherwise, I fear, you'll suffer the issue of never really getting a great single story out of this exercise.

That being said, I do plan on making an addition myself, and I'll probably focus on Zombie Island because that has always been my favorite.

I went ahead and read all of the starts though, and think they're all fresh! I really do wish you the best. Scooby Doo is the best.


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like the way you decided to launch this campfire off, starting with 'origin' stories of the three different pokemon, allowing for quite a bit of individual creativity from the three participants. I hope this grows and develops into something truly original.

My only concern is that it seems quite difficult for the three to intersect, less the 'rules' of the campfire change entirely.

I definitely suggest that you attempt to handle this, folding maybe one person into another so that that character's creator will add to a new group story, and then fold the last one in, so that eventually everyone is working on one cool group story.

Kudos on the idea though, I hope each character continues to grow and develop as they already have been.

Andrew

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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Character Development: Joyce develops in the eyes of her daughter Wilma, the main, and thus Wilma develops by learning to appreciate her mother more.

I think you convey development very well and the final line really hits it home. Wilma has, in a short period of time, learned a little bit more how to cope with her mother's troubled mind.


Plot: Dealing with dementia. Definitely fulfills the prompt on multiple counts. Life is what Joyce makes it for sure, but also for Wilma in a very different way.

No trouble here.


Setting:You describe this a bit from Joyce's perspective, but I would have liked more. I felt that the house wasn't, but should have been a more important character, because it sounded like the same house Joyce either grew up in also, or started her family in. If that's the case, I think analyzing the different perspectives both the mother and daughter have of it could be very interesting.


Dialogue:Not in my face, good all around.


General Criticisms: I really don't have much to say, I was very pleased with this piece. The only things I think could be improved, though not lacking here, are some more raw emotion from Wilma. After all, the prayer is a step in the right direction, but how long has she been caring for her mother? That stress would have built up a whole lot more. I can even see her breaking down in the bathroom, out of sight, before recomposing herself.

The more turmoil she's going through, the better I think the payoff in the end will be.


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
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Review of Smaug  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Imagery: colorful words! Of all the action verbs, only "Dreaming" had me maybe just a twinge underwhelmed. I could definitely extemporize why the dragon is dreaming, but in so little time, maybe one other word, one of the adjectives perhaps perhaps, could also go along with the sentiment you were trying to create.


General Criticisms: "You rouse Erebor's Terror." It seems like the poem would be read as one sentence, and the 'you' sort of read weird to me. Could just be me, though. Maybe put more action into this line?

Anyways, great piece, good luck


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
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Review of THE LAKE  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Style: A pleasant and refreshing ABCB poem with quite a few stanzas to really dig in. Fun use of ampersands I must say, the neglected brother of 'and.' Also, though it lacked much punctuation, that did not make the reading difficult in the slightest, something that is often a concern and refreshing here.


Rhythm: Almost completely spot on. There may have been slight issues as I was reading, but only one stanza stands out to me:

"The time has come to bid farewell
O traveller we now have to part
You whistle a note on your way homewards
And I hold it close to my heart"

I had issues with the second line, particularly the extra beat in "now have to". Also, "homewards" read awkwardly to me. Whereas I felt pretty much ever other line in every other stanza read with a similar and fresh bounce, I was stumbling past this section. I am happy, though, that you got it out of your system before the final stanza, which ends strong.

Imagery: Probably the best aspect of this poem. "I weave the gold of sun in my hair," "My head gets crowned with snow," "My rippling waters ebb & tide" among my favorites in this piece. I noticed some minor alliteration, but for the most part very effective use of metaphor to convey your message.


General Criticisms: My biggest point was the rhythm. Hope I could be of help to you. Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing!


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/bigvill...
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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Style:
Free verse, fairly consistent line length. Follows a myriad of different concepts, including some question and answer that centralizes the poem it seems.

Rhythm: Really consistent throughout. If I had any issues with it at all, I can't think of it. This is perhaps the most impressive aspect of your poem.


Imagery: Actually another strong point of this poem is that it doesn't fall on imagery in the usual sense, pulling direct metaphors and sensory images out, but rather trusts more visceral emotion to color the reader with, most fearful of all, recognition.

Quite a lovely, if twisted, image you have painted for me, personally, your reader.

General Criticisms:

Sadly, I ranked my first five star poem ever the other day. It should have been a 4.5 compared to this piece. I really do love what you've done with it.

It might seem a little nitpicky, but I don't want to leave you without anything if I can help it, and I did notice a few spots where punctuation might need revision. Below are some of examples you may find helpful:

"But today everything seemed to come down," After down you may find a semicolon to be more appropriate.

"What was the word?/ That made you run the other way?" In the previous set of questions you end with "Who are we to break a vow/ that was so real and true to our hearts?" so I assume you may have accidentally and not intentionally added the question mark behind "What was the word"

Those are the easy ones. One more.

"From what was once/ mended, combined, formed as one" I like everything but the word mended. Though combined and formed as one are appropriate, mending makes me feel like this isn't the first time the halves are being split. This is, of course, my most nitpicky, so feel free to disagree (though tell me if you do, I love starting little conversations over reviews).

Above all, I loved the piece and I hope you seek publication with it, there is certainly a place for it somewhere.


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I think you have a very tantalizing opener for your book. I was pulled through easily, and came out with just a twinge of concern for your illuminator.

Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Character Development:You do a great job with Anouk. I do feel, however, and I don't know how this will benefit you being the first chapter and all, that Bindi isn't getting the attention he deserves. I'll cover more on that in dialogue.

If Anouk can think back and forth with Bindi, and can think at the Cobra, why can't the Cobra think back. I think a lot of your descriptions of its pain in the early part were sort of lost on me later, because there doesn't really seem to be a bond forming here.

Now, I can assume that the Cobra's section is essentially done from the end, but if Anouk is somehow special with her thought ability as I suspect she is, I think that the ability to develop a relationship is important, especially since the Cobra has no reason to race with her and help her win as it is. It has been abused for what seems most of its life.


Plot: Don't know where it is going yet, but what's available opens up a lot of questions. Great job there! I don't have any issues with the plot at this time.

Additionally, I really the pacing and detail of the race. I don't get many stories that pull me through so well on here, and I had no problem with what could have been a cumbersome section.

The magic that you have established is decent too. I had some minor concerns with it, but your description of the blue was brilliant. Literally. Maybe my favorite line: "It washed warmly through her muscles, loosening them, smoothing her nervous, jerky movements." The orange was not quite as effective, but didn't warrant revision in my mind.

My only question there is why don't you really reference the disks she uses? I'm a little lost there. I assume you'll go into detail further, but if it's a disk on her back, I'd describe it a little more, and make sure it's known where the source of her power is, even if the real description comes later.


Setting: I was pretty well grounded in what has become sort of a recognizable setting in the post-Dune, Tatoine, etc world. This is not to its disservice.

I would only suggest that the 'prying eyes' that Anouk is so worried about are a bit more of an active concern. If even the common racer can immediately detect she is 'the traitor' then it seems she is on a lot of people's minds. Also, I feel that bounty hunters would be fairly dime a dozen in this location. Just a thought.


Dialogue:I want more!

This is where the relationship with Anouk and Bindi takes place (exclusively, I'd say). As of now, their back and forth is pretty limited, and goes away during the race. I'm not going to criticize it during the race, because if you elect to add dialogue options with the Cobra, this would clutter up the scene, but I would decide exactly who Bindi is as a character and revise their dialogue from there. Is Bindi somehow wise? Is he evil? What exactly is he bringing to the table? Why is he worth it as a main character. I don't know that I was enticed by him at this time, even though your descriptions of him made me want to like him.


General Criticisms:

Fortunately, criticism just means analysis. I got out all of my concerns in the appropriate sections. This section I leave for things like attention to detail, pacing, etc. Yours is very good. I'd still suggest going line-by-line and cutting anything that isn't strictly necessary to the message, because that always strengthens a piece, but your descriptions really made this story worth reading. Even though I didn't know what some things were yet, there was enough in place for me to read on, waiting for the answers. The race is an excellent way to really vitalize an opening chapter with strong actions, and I was never too lost as to where she was on the 'course.' Great job, thanks for an excellent read. Keep writing my friend.


If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/bigvill...
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Review of A Frozen Winter  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Below, I have sought to dig a little deeper into your work.

Style: a simple, yet effective ABAB structure. You tackle a subject that bears fruitful imagery and competent rhythms.

Rhythm: Overall, I really like it. You start off strong and I love the way "my soul has made my body icy stones." It took me a minute to register the image, but the sound was immediate.

         I suggest you take a closer look at punctuation. This is what guides the flow and rhythm of the work, and there are a few spots that could use adjusting.

         ex. The semicolon after "icy stones" makes a little more sense after "ceased to flow," since these lines are more directly related. Also a lot of lines with periods will definitely slow the piece down a lot.

Imagery:My favorite line, apart from the error I reference below, is this one: "It's bearing icy claws into my skin."

         Of course, it would be nothing without the lines around it, but you capture the sensory details well.

         That being said, I really feel that your poem falls off at the end. Right when it gets to periods after every line, but poem loses me a little. The images are a little more esoteric here, and don't have the natural feel that the others do. Also, the final line: "but now the winter's charms I come to miss" is not foreshadowed effectively enough. It doesn't feel like a natural regret. It can, however, be made to. I would suggest taking the time to make those last four lines to evolve the concept of how Spring is welcome, but something made Winter okay too.

General Criticisms:

         "It's bearing icy claws into my skin." I think you were going for boring.

If you have a moment, please feel free to browse my port:
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Review of Contradistinction  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Although I don't fully understand the message, I get that you're going for a contrast. All in all, I didn't have a problem because the flow was pretty good. Unfortunately this stopped being the case in the final stanza. I tend to think this was because your real message was beginning to come out. It's tough, but the rhythm is lacking there and merits review. Keep on writing though.
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Review of A Rigged Game  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Quite an interesting and ambitious task you've set for yourself. You should take a look at the contests on here, it isn't the five chapter format you use, but flash fiction is fairly prominent (I have a 55 worder in a contest right now).

I really liked the little girl, and I really liked how the carnies interacted with her and her game. Also, you established a very enlightened setting with very specific and complex wording. Good Job.

I do feel that the dialogue about calling each other Bert and Ernie took away from what might have been just a tiny pinch more of a look into one of the characters, maybe the father. I realize this IS a look into the carnie characters, but I didn't feel like it added anything that was necessarily understood.

But a great idea that definitely succeeded.
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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm hopeful for this piece, but I just feel that you need to explore everything in a bit more detail. There are two extra-dimensional beings (but more they could consult), and a person from the flatlands that has the potential to be an ambassador. I got that.

I have some questions could potentially be very important to the plot:

What type of governing body is the multidimensional organization? Who are the beings? What is twisting accomplishing and why is he doing it in the first place? Where is he when he gets knocked unconscious? What can the person see when he's in the other place? Is he scared? Is that why he's...convulsing?

I don't want to be overly critical, like I said I'm hopeful. Let me know if you decide to work on it more.
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Review of I write  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well lets look at what you have here. A body of work much have a focus. You have that. That is literally the only requirement, so congratulations, you're a writer!

Seriously though, will you get published within the next year? Probably not. But having received my degree in English, and having focused on creative literature for most of my life, I can at least offer this:

Let your mind wander until you have a theme. Write it. Start small, if its a poem write until you feel it's finished. If it's prose, write for an ending. Then go back, and layer in the details. I am currently writing a children's book that I pray will receive publication (which is why you won't find it on here anywhere). I started with a 20 pg story, and realized I wanted to take it in a completely different direction. I rewrote it at about 60 and didn't finish it. It still needed help, not all the details were fleshed out. Now I've constructed a detailed outline and am well on my way to what I hope will be about 200 pages.

The message here is just write. When you're done, write it again. If you rewrite it, it might be completely fail, but maybe you'll learn something that will make the third rewrite ten times better.

But never, NEVER, sell yourself short. We all have great stories within us, but not all of us have the confidence to write them.
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Review of Below the hill  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I suppose my concern is that you aren't committing to your images. I definitely know that there is a hill, but does she have fears because she can't climb it? What can she not hide from? Is that also the hill?

I would first look to expand some of the images. It isn't necessary to add length to the poem, but possibly condense each stanza to the exact idea you want to convey. Also, a good practice is to add some sensory details. For instance, sepia is an interesting effect on photography but why? If it is, for you, because they are more morose, then such poignant things as "...sepia, like a blood red sun." That isn't necessarily the best example, but I hope you get my point. Details that appeal to the five senses often connect with the reader more, make them not only see the moment, but feel it. Taste it.

Hope this helps,

Andrew
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Review of You're Gone  Open in new Window.
Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I don't know why, but this reminded me of a A Fine Frenzy song (that's a very good thing). I really did like the way you play with placement, and the isolation of 'alone' was very natural and poignant. I also generally like the story, the illusion to lingering feelings and doubts.

My suggestion to you is to consider injecting feelings. If you've ever taken a poetry or creative writing course, you'll surely have heard the age old "appeal to the five senses." But I honestly have never heard better advice. Something as simple as waking from a dream with sweat all over your body tells the reader just a little bit more. It challenges them to ask themselves, how do I relate to that image? How does that memory relate to this poem? Though I don't think you'll find too many people that have a hard time identifying the key elements of the poem, how can you break not only the character's heart, but the reader's heart as well?

Anyways, thanks for the fantastic read, the fantastic review of your own on my work, and may a pen never be far from your hand.

Andrew
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Review by dharma Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Sorry, but this is not anything right now. I can't even really say that I'm compelled by what you've written. However, I could envision tons of great stories that could come out of this. Until then, unfortunately, I would say you need a lot of work.
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