This is a touching poem on the all-too-familiar topic of children growing up too quickly. The diction is striking; I especially like the way you juxtapose the narrator's thoughts with the factual happenings. My favorite lines are:
"Oh, little girl rest your head on my chest
for a perpetual moment,
for an infinite caress."
The rhyme scheme is satisfactory. However, the structure of the lines, in my opinion, could use some tweaking. Their length seems to be uneven in places and the cadence of the poem seems interrupted. Aside from this bit of awkwardness, I greatly enjoyed the piece. Write on!
Good overall. I would take out the repetitive "did you know"s in the beginning. Simply state your points and let the reader ask himself if he knew that.
I find the second half of this piece far more effective. My interest grew when you stopped quoting statistics and started drawing on your own personal experience.
One more thing: work on your use of "to be" verbs. I think you'd be surprised to find how many of them you have if you took the time to count.
Wow! Finally, someone with real talent. I have been reviewing constantly, trying to get my GPs up, and most of what I read is just awful. This story kept me intrigued until the end. Your characters are realistic and believable; your plot is unique and interesting. Your sentence structure flows well and, as far as I can tell, is free of spelling and grammar errors. I loved following a seven-year-old's train of thought, and I know exactly what you mean about the "healing powers of word puzzles". I occasionally watch Wheel of Fortune, but I find the online games far more satisfying than screaming recklessly at a television set. (The best one is Text Twist.) I would have given you a 5, but I believe that no piece of writing is ever truly perfect. Keep writing- this website needs more items like yours.
This is a nice piece of work and well written. I like your structure. Each stanza follows a pattern of repetition and successive verbs which stand alone. One flaw I noticed was in the final stanza, Holding/Molding. Generally in a free verse poem, accidental rhymes tend to detract from the work's effectiveness. Just a tip if you want to change that.
This is a magical poem that flows well. I really like your unique rhyme scheme. Your word choice is good and I love your ending. Your rhymes, for the most part, seem fluid and natural- perhaps the only awkwardness is towards the beginning, "'till he was done". I like the Old English touch with "o'er". Keep writing.
Very useful except for the mention of Wal-Mart. I realize that this is not a politically oriented website, but I still wish you wouldn't give the corporate monster free advertising.
This is an excellent story. Your characters are extremely likeable. I like your use of foreshadowing and I especially like your ending. It's the kind of ending that usually feels like a letdown, but not the way you do it. You have a couple of "rough" spots, where I felt the word choice was slightly off, but other than that I truly enjoyed it.
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