\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beththevampire
Review Requests: OFF
7 Public Reviews Given
7 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of The Abandoned  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Naru,

There is an interesting premise in this story. A lot of mystery about what is happening, and a lot more hidden under the surface. However, this story is an example of telling and not showing. The story has so much promise, but it is told in a very straightforward way.

I’ll use an example, “ Besides kidnapping children he had blackmailed families, tortured families and their children, murdered many people and did more heinous crimes.” Explain to the reader what these crimes are, what were the circumstances. You don’t have to go into that much detail, but just a bit more description would go a long way to developing not only the man’s character, but the story. It may even be worth giving the man a name so the reader can start building a relationship with him.

Another example, “He brought both girls to his high-tech lab where he then told his scientists to infuse the souls of an angel and a demon into them.” Explain this procedure. Is it painful? How do the girls feel about this? Why was the man doing this in the first place? What would infusing the girl’s souls do to them? How did the man come to have the souls of an angel and demon? These are all questions that any reader would ask, and I think there needs to be a lot more detail.

Also, Why did Lucia’s father give her away so easily? What parent would do this to their child unless there was some underlying reason that the reader was not privy to. At first I thought that the man had some kind of power to convince others to given him what he wants, but when the next parents refused to hand over Alyssia, I scraped that theory.

This story could have great potential, there just needs to be more detail, description, and more showing and less telling. Good luck with it!
2
2
Review of Abaloon  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Angus,

This is an interesting story, with a terrifying supernatural being, and a vulnerable, inexperienced couple trying to be something they are not. I loved the little twist at the end, and I thought it gave your story an extra bit of horror.

I think the story needs to be more focused on one character. A lot of the focus is around Chrissie and how she feels, but the lines that then focus on Wayne breaks up the passages and makes it feel more fractured. Maybe tell us how Wayne is doing from Chrissie’s perspective, but don’t make him the centre, because this should be focused on Chrissie. Especially at the end, she just runs off, leaving her husband behind. What happened to her, where did she go? Why did she leave Wayne behind? Is that the kind of person she is. She didn’t strike me as the selfish type, but a loving wife who agreed to go away to the woods with her husband because he wanted to, even if she didn’t.

Your piece is very dialogue heavy, and that’s not bad, but I think you need to ramp up the description a little bit. Show me what the scream sounded like, really make it seem terrifying. Delve into the atmosphere a bit more. It is a terrifying situation; two city folk in the woods, then an inhuman scream echoes around them, and they are terrified. Make the reader feel that terror.

Good luck with it!
3
3
Review of The Home  Open in new Window.
Review by Elizabeth Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi,

What struck me first about your story was the voice of Bob, your protagonist. The way he spoke was very individual, and said more about his character than his actions. He is easy to sympathise with, especially given what happened with Rose, because you know that despite what people want it may not be what is best for them. Then the same thing happening to Bob, you really want him to get out or at least get better. Even though I’m only 30, I have seen my grandparents in this situation, and I have heard my mum and dad talk about the same thing, so it was easy to associate with. I think almost every person who reads this story would have some experience or another with nursing homes, so in that way it is easier to be sucked into the story.

The story really starts to flow well after ‘It was warm out the day I fell…’ It has flow and intention, when before this it just presented like random, disjointed thoughts. Maybe if you started the story here, you could spend more time inside the nursing home, because that’s where the story shined and was at its most interesting. I loved this line: “No one wants that burden. Your mom can change your diapers when you’re young, but it's a whole different story when it comes time to change hers.” It was powerful, true, but also enlightening.

From a paranormal perspective, the story was a bit disjointed. Bob witnessed his wife’s death, which was very strange, and something whispered in his ear, and Rose told him about the ghosts, but he still acts completely ignorant when he arrives there. It’s as if he’s not aware of it until the reader is, but I think this should be on his mind from the start. It must have been pretty traumatic, but he doesn’t mention what happened until it gets to a certain part in the story and then everything changes. Rose also mentioned that they want Bob to stay with them, but who is ‘they?’ Is there a demon at the centre of this, or a few vengeful ghosts making life a pain for everyone. Rose infecting Bob rings untrue as well, and I feel like she would do what she could to save him, to resist. It would give the story something different, like there is a way out for Bob. Or maybe that’s part of the point, that there is no way out for him. But to believe that Rose would do that to him makes me think about the power that may be held over her, and what would have this power.

From a copy edit perspective, go easy on the ellipses as they are overused, as are you em dashes. There are also sentences that may need some revising, for example sentences such as ‘that faint scent of lilac I used to smell.’ Scents are smelt, there is no other way to experience them, so saying ‘I used to smell’ is redundant. Go through these and you can really tighten up your sentence structure.

Thanks for the read!
3 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/beththevampire