Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. I am not an editor or copywriter. I seek only to help you make your work the best that it can be.




TITLE: Isaac's Dream: Chapter 1 (Rev 8-8)
The title's connection to the story is not yet evident as this is the first chapter.


THEME: In my opinion, the theme is a bit muddled. I don't know if this is a story about rivalry, or about space war, or manufacturing. I understand this is the first chapter, but just a nod to these reasons would help to interest the reader better in the overall work.


STRUCTURE: Structurally, this is not too bad. We already get a feeling for the competitive nature of the persons involved, and that Cendor is a powerful individual. I am not certain as to the reasons for the attacks between the ships. I understand that certain civilizations have been destroyed. If this is the reason for the holographic battle in Cendor's office, a little bit of back story would make this more relatable.

Also, your choice of names. Some names are ordinary every day names and some are quite different. Cendor DeVang meets with Chuck Carlson. Then, there is Ginger Edwards, Isamu Tanaka, etc. If this is international or inter-spacial, it might avoid confusion to make a brief statement about how these individuals are connected. I did not know whether I was on a foreign planet or earth. This detracts from the interest I have in the story.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: I found no errors in spelling.
Example:
and watched the young man’s augmented eyes wander about the room

I question the use of the word (augmented) in the above line. What was it about his eyes that augmented them. This word means to make something stand out. What was so unusual about his eyes. This is an intriguing bit. Make it clearer, or change it.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a good beginning, though the action seems a bit unexplained. I did read the prologue where the ship was lost. But, there is no clear connection except for Chuck's statement about a ship being lost. Perhaps you should amplify the details about this more.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I really enjoyed Cendor's attitude. I think if you develop his curmodgeonly personality, he will be a strong character. Develop his love of fine things like the Fuente Fuente MagellanX, cigar, to add a bit of refinement to the character.


MY SUGGESTIONS: I am not a science editor, I cannot help you with the science technology, but the story has a good beginning. I will read the rest if you want me to and write more reviews. Just a bit of tweeking needed to make this a really good read.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of The Talent Pond. I only seek to aid you in making your writing as good as it can possibly be. I am not an editor or expert, these are merely my opinions.




TITLE: COSMIC FOUNTAINS Lovely title. Really fits the poem and comes across as the reader delves into the body of the work.

THEME: Enchantment

RHYME: Not applicable

RYTHM: I feel that the rhythm would benefit by some well place punctuation.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: As an example:

"Scrub your skin with moon dust
Pile shadows in the corner
Gather the light around your shoulders
We will fly"

It may be to your advantage to add punctuation in the following places:

Scrub your skin with moon dust
Pile shadows in the corner
Gather the light around your shoulders(,)
We will fly(.)

Punctuation causes the reader to pause, and pausing adds a sense of drama. The reader is forced to wait for the next thought. I do not think you should punctuate every line, that would take away the lilt that you have achieved. But some well placed commas or periods would do justice.

MY IMPRESSIONS: This is a wonderfully lyrical poem filled with imagery. You have a gift for images that add to your theme of enchantment.

FAVORITE PART:

We have danced through the mysteries of the Universe
As barefoot children
Dabbling our toes and fingertips
In its cosmic fountains

I think that the way you added the title here adds to the wonder you have produced with this poetic description.


MY SUGGESTIONS: I only suggest that you add a bit of punctuation. With that added this will be a sterling poem.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are only my opinions. I am not a professional editor and can only suggest changes that I feel may improve your work. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.




TITLE: THORN TOWER

THEME: A young man searches for his beloved

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: No errors in these categories

STRUCTURE: Very well done. It is not easy to get history, emotions, and a good culmination into so short a story. You have done this very well. Certainly this is a favorite of mine.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: Great twist on an old fairy tale. The way the fate of the two brothers was hinted at and not spoken outwardly added to the gruesome effect.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Have you entered any contests on WDC? I certainly think you should.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of TGDI REVIEW GROUP. These are only my opinions. I am not a professional editor and can only suggest changes that I feel may improve your work. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.






TITLE: DO NOT GO GENTLY

THEME: A young girl is haunted by dark figures

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: There are no spelling or punctuation errors, however, I did find this redundancy: "ten-year-old year old boy"

STRUCTURE: This is a well constucted piece. I enjoyed the way that the story wrapped up in a short telling.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: Beside the brevity, I enjoyed the way that the Raging One tricked the child. It was not unexpected, though.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Only to fix the redundancy mentioned above. I really enjoyed this.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the THE POETRY POND These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.




TITLE: LITTLE GIRL The title is direct and fits this poem

THEME: The sad demise of an unwanted child

RHYME: The rhyme is very well done, no flaws that I can see

RYTHM: The rhythm is good, no real bumps. I would take a second look at the last two lines in the second verse and perhaps smooth them out a bit.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: You do not use punctuation. It is not necessary to do so, but I find that aids the reader in separating the poet's thoughts.

MY IMPRESSIONS: Very strong poem. The theme is very disturbing, but handled sympatheticall. It calls to mind the plight of many children in today's society

FAVORITE PART:The first verse opens with a strong statement. That is my favorite thing about this poem. Words are not wasted, it is direct and to the point.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Only the comments I have made here.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. First, let me wish you a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY here on WDC.





TITLE: WILLIAM MC WILLIAM The title is humorous, the name is light and fits the tale.


THEME: A serious news reporter makes a wrong turn.


STRUCTURE: The structure is solid, no gaps or dead areas.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are no errors in this category


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: I liked the premise of this tale, but did not find it to be humorous. It was all rather serious and I think that perhaps it would be more funny if there were photos or videos playing behind the reporter that were totally off kilter to what he was reporting on.
Also, the use of a few misunderstood one-liners would liven the dialogue up a bit.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I loved his name. It was typical of the monikers some reporters have.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Try to add something that contrasts with the statements McWilliams is delivering. Any source of alternative info fed to the crowd without his knowledge would add to his confusion and make him more uncomfortable. Discomfort in this instance would be very laughable.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. If you decide to revise this piece, please email me. I would love to re-read. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. First allow me to wish you a Happy Anniversary here at WDC.


TITLE: WORLD IDEOLOGIES AND COWS

THEME: A delightful comedic piece on governments handling of situations.


STRUCTURE: I thought that the type was a bit small to read, but that could be because my eyes are not what they used to be
That aside, there were no gaps or problems with flow. Easy read and thoroughly enjoyable.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: No errors in these catagories.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: I thought this to be one of the most fun pieces I have read on WDC. The insight into the various forms of government made it ring with truth. I found it to be so much fun, and painfully true.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: All of it. I enjoyed it so much that it would difficult to pick out one line or part.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Keep writing delightful pieces such as this.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie left}

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of THE STORY TELLERS GROUP. This is a delightful version of an ancient myth.




TITLE: PYGMALION AND GALATEA REVISITED


THEME: A sculpture wishes his statue to life without thought of the consequences.


STRUCTURE: The structure was well built. I had no trouble following the story. It was complete and an enjoyable read.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: There are only a couple of instances:

"She stepped through the many scattered rose petals and made her to their bedroom."

. . .made her way to Insert way to the place between her and to.

"She hesitated for a moment, knowing what was waiting for inside: a gift, another token of his unending, undying love."

for her inside Insert her between for and a

"Is not fitting?"

Is it not fitting" Place it between is and not.

"Galatea looked at him once last time."

Change the word once to one.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: I found this to be very enjoyable. A quick read and a nice turn on the ancient myth of Pygmalion and Galatea.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I liked best the realisic feelings that Galatea portrayed. After so long in existance, living a life through someone else's eyes and interpretation, any living being would tire. The realism in this story mixes well with the myth.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Only to make the few grammatical corrections. Everything else is well edited and very enjoyably written.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. After your edit, please let me know so I can go back to change my rating. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of GOOD DEEDS GO NOTICED. I'm glad I read this vignette, it was surprising and satisfying.

TITLE: PINK? The title fits so well. It drew me in and did not disappoint.

THEME: Poker players meet aliens.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION: There are just a few small errors:

"But what actually happened left a lot of people scratching their heads."
Place a comma after but.

". . . pretending like they all really cared for each other . . ."
Omit the word like, it weakens the sentence.

" . . . I saw it when-”
Use an elipse after when ( . . . ) That always denotes a pause or break in thought.

“He knows he not supposed to be on my property.”

He knows he('s) not supposed to be on my property.

"Something hit the back of the house while at the same time something splashed on the window, obscuring most of their view."

Try to find an alternative word for one of the words something. Perhaps instead of saying "something hit the back of the house," you could explain the sound and retain the second something, or vise/versa.

"Somewhere in the back yard something screamed. A high-pitched, inhuman scream."

Here again, try to find an alternative word for scream, screech or trill, something like that.

" . . . accompanied by another boom of thunder. Except this time it wasn’t a ‘boom’. It was more of a ‘crack’, . . ."

It would be better for the flow if you didn't mention the thunder and stated that a loud crack resounded. Thunder is mentioned often and the impact of that sound reference is lessening the impact of the thought.

STRUCTURE: Very well done. There was an even flow throughout the story, it read easily and was quite enjoyable.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: "Pink? Gary thought. "Pink little aliens?"

MY SUGGESTIONS: Only to make the few that I suggested, other than not enter it in a few contests. I think you would do very well.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of GOOD DEEDS GO NOTICED. I hope that my suggestions are useful. At no time am I attempting to re-write your story. I only seek to aid you in becoming the best writer you can be.


TITLE: LAMENT FOR THE SLUMS
The title pulled me in. However, I did not feel the sense of sadness that is indicative of a lament until the very last part.


THEME: A man? woman? walks through a very bad neighborhood and is attacked.


STRUCTURE: Your structure was sound. There was a beginning, middle and end, but the story left quite a few questions in my opinion.

First, what happened to the metal case that he/she is carrying.
Second, although the thug calls the protagonist a "bitch" it seemed to me that this was a man. You need to be clearer as to the identity of this person. If this is a woman, it amplifies the fear factor for most women are vulnerable. If it is a man, then the word "bitch" seems out of place and misleading. If you intend the word to be a slur to this fellow's manhood, then you should make that clear.
Third: The protagonist is attacked. Is he attacked because these guys are robbing him? If so, why don't they make a grab at the metal case, since that seems tempting. If they are just beating him up because he's on their turf, then give the baddies a little more dialogue to clear this up.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION:
I can see by your style that you are in love with words. I had to look a few up. I appreciate learning new words, so that was a plus for me. Especially "gelid".

I noted no errors in spelling, or punctuation.

GRAMMAR: "You'd think with the frigid pellets of condensed water haphazardly descending from the firmament, and the biting chill of a tumultuous gust would prevent my body heat from enveloping the damn thing."

There is something missing from this sentence that throws it off. These are two separate ideas joined together by a comma, the second half of the sentence is not fully developed. Re-write this for better clarity.

"Oh please be a lady tonight." Place a comma after Oh and make this sentence italicized or in quotes.

"The tips of my fingers fondled about the inside right . . ."

To fondle is: to handle or touch lovingly, affectionately, or tenderly; caress: to fondle a precious object; to fondle a child.

If you mean to retain this word, remove the word about

"The corner" adjoined uncomfortably against the dermis, irritating the grooves and texture of my finger print."

Use finger tip for the underlined word, since a finger print is something left behind from a finger's touch.

What is impeccable? Their appearance, their cigarette case. Or, are you using the secondary meaning of unpeccable: To be sinless, pure from sin?

"I retracted that arm and promptly pushed the hand into its corresponding pocket, nesting it from the cold."
If you were to say: I shoved my hand deep into the warmth of my pocket, it may not be as poetic, but it would say what you want to more clearly.
" . . . then again with the other" So now they have plunged both their hands into their pockets and we loose the metal case.

"With a solemn yield of my head"I did not understand what you meant by this. When a reader has to pause to figure out what you mean, then the flow of the story is interrupted. You can chose to say something in another way that may not confuse.

"rang from the mandibles of pub whose doors were slightly ajar,"
one of the first pair of mouthpart appendages, typically a jawlike biting organ, but styliform or setiform in piercing and sucking species.

If this is the definition you are referring to, then the use of this word is perfect. The above sentence only needs to be more clearly stated.Also at the end of the sentence, you need a semi-colon if you intend to continue with the next half of the sentence.
"a rather rough looking bald man standing in the pathway with his arms crossed menacingly about his chest."
This is the second half of the above cited sentence. It is an incomplete sentence. I would place wasafter bald man
". . . enthralled my nostrils and felt as it was incinerating the lining of skin . . ."
enthralled: enslaved, bond, in bondage, beguiled or captivated.
While the first meanings fit your usage, a reader may think, as I did that it meant the secondary meaning because it is used more in that manner. Not that you should change it, but consider the meaning and how it could confuse a reader.

"and felt as it was incinerating the lining of skin."
Place I between and and felt.

" . . . or if it was the urchin's odor."
Since you already stated that the one urinating was an older man, he could not be an urchin, for that refers to a young boy.

"Needless to say," Omit this, it does nothing for the sentence.

" . . . . shadows became so robust . . ." Omit so

"On my right side, . . ." Omit side

" . . . quarantining the land of a run down "mom and pop's store"
According to Webster's Dictionary the word quarentine cannot be used in this form, you should re-phrase this sentence.

" . . . it wasn't like the fence even deterred gangs from tagging the walls."
This would be a much stronger statement if you would show us what the wall looked like. Was it completely covered in "tags"? Where there lewd drawings? That sort of explanation would bring the alley way more to life for your reader.

" . . . some manner of rabble." Try replacing this some with all.


"As my mind granulated, as did my sight fading in and out steadily."
Change the second as to so.


" . . . and I slid to one knee, my opposite leg trembling as it attempted to keep me upright
Try trembled here.

'My arm fumbled foreword, feeling the darkness before me."
Your hand would have to fumble forward and, since darkness cannot be felt I think you meant to say feeling in(?) the darkness before me.

" . . . my breathing had begun to mirror a pant . . ."
I could find no definition of mirror that seemed to fit with this sentence.
Think about revising.

"Whichever this was, they were indeed quite large."
Whomever is the proper usage, or you could simply say: This guy was huge, and place it in italics.

"It gurgled and sputtered in surprise as it fell backward, hitting its head on the pavement with a rude, horrifying crack."
In this sentence a reader cannot be sure if the knife gurgled and sputtered or it was the assailant. You might want to change one of the it(s) to something that would identify it as the attacker.

"Each and every precipitate . . ."
This is the only meaning I could find for precipitate: to separate from a solution as a precipitate Try for another way of saying this.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This put me in mind of old Gumshoe (Detective) stories, something like Micky Spillane. It has that dark, dank quality that serves private detective yarns so well. I liked the idea of this lone fellow on a mission. But, what that mission was is lost in the teelling. I think it would be a more strong story if you would spend a bit of time showing the reader what the protagonist was doing in this dangerous part of town, and especially if you made a continued highlight of the silver case.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: The very last paragraph was poetic. It was a fitting end and summed the parts up very nicely.


MY SUGGESTIONS: There is a lot to think about here. I would suggest re-reading your story slowly and aloud. When we read aloud, we are able to see where a reader might stumble. Have someone else read it aloud to you. You will see where the rough spots are.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. I enjoyed this story, I like dark tales and this was dark indeed. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. I am not an editor or copywriter, these are only my opinions. I only seek to aid you in making your poem the best it can possibly be.

First: I would like to congratulate you on your anniversary with us on WDC. I hope you have enjoyed your stay.


TITLE: Great Love
Your title fits your poem nicely

THEME: First love.

RHYME: This is a blank verse poem, no rhyme used.

RHYTHM: Rhythm plays a great part in poetry. Blank verse depends on the rhythm of the poem because there are no rhyming lines. Your readers want to feel your poem as well as read it. It often helps to read a poem aloud to see if the timing is good.

An extra unnecessary word can at times, throw off a rhythmic line. For instance:

"love like mine is rare, hard to find, and something that a girl would dream of finding"

I would leave out the underlined word. Too many unnecessary words can ruin the rhythym of a piece and throw the reader off balance. Look through Great Love and note extra words. Deleting them will give the line more punch. Also, break the lines into smaller ones. This will give the reader a sense of impact as you flow from one thought to the next.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: Capitalization is important in a poem. It aids the reader in knowing when a thought is completed and when you have moved on to the next one. Also, the breaking of lines into separate thoughts helps the reader to get the flow.
For instance:
"they say true love is hard to find but i think i have found it with you.
i have never know love before but thanks to you i can't live without it"

If I were to revise this poem I would write it this way:

They say true love is hard to find,
I think I have found it with you.
I have never known love before;
thanks to you, I can't live without it.

The flow is crisper and less words help to get the point across in a dynamic fashion.
Taking out extraneous words like but, and, the adds to the rhythym.
The flow without extra words is much more lyrical. It is still your poem, and your thoughts, but with a more solid base.

"have never know love before "
In this instance I think you meant known?

Punctuation, spelling and grammar are as important in poetry as it is in prose. They are aids in helping us get our points across.

MY IMPRESSIONS: A very strong poem that would be much better stated if a thought were given to structure and flow

FAVORITE PART: I feel a stong sense of dedication here that is wonderful. I would love to see a revised version.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Those made above.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the THE TALENT POND. These are my opinions and as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


TITLE: THE RISE AND FALL OF NOTES

THEME: Nature as music, played by its own rythyms

RHYME: Rhyme is not important in this poem

RYTHM: The rythym of this poem is set to resemble the waves of the ocean, ebbing and flowing. This is where this poem excells. The construction puts the reader in mind of the surging and receding ocean's waves, the drift of the wind and the flow of the seasons. Well done.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING: There are times in this poem where the tenses of words are confused. In your first verse:

"The
Sea Waves
Rise and Fall
With the Dusty Wind
And Tune the Un-tuned Nature.
So much is hitherto Unsaid
And Nature do speak
With its melody
Within this
Universe."

The above underlined word should be does. It does not detract from the meaningm or wonderful rythym and adds to the flow. Also the word Tune should be plural, tunes.
I would like to ask why you capitalize certain words in the verses? It does not add to the statements made. There are some authors, like e.e. cummings who only write in lower case and never capitalize. It is a matter of style. Is style what you are going for?


MY IMPRESSIONS: This is a beautifully constructed poem. The way the verses are written cleverly portray the rise and fall of the seasons, the ocean and the wind.

FAVORITE PART:

"Nature is singing,
Here, There, Everywhere.
The Notes rise, fall
With its Beat,
Sung by
God."

This is a perfect ending for this poem. It wraps up the entire piece.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Please take a few moments to go through this poem and adjust your tenses as mentioned above. Also, give some thought to your capitalization and use it for emphasis in this poem where necessary. Capitalization draws attention to certain words within and takes away from the wonderful flow that gives the reader the pleasure that you intended.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. These are my opinions, as such, you may take all of my suggestions or none at all. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.


TITLE: PETER RABBIT'S FATHER MEETS A BAD END
Great title, fit the story so well and as a lead in, it intrigued me.


THEME: Peter Rabbit's father has his eyes on a difficult prize.


STRUCTURE: Well done, no troubles with structure. The story is complete.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: Only one thought here. In paragraph two you state at the beginning: "Now, Mr. Rabbit was no good at all"
then in the last sentence of the paragraph you repeat the same sentence. I would alter the first or last, or omit one.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: Delightful tale, I really enjoyed the way you personified the rabbit. I loved the fact that he smoked a pipe in the glen, I could see him sitting there, puffing away, considering his options.


MY FAVORITE PARTS: I enjoyed the personality of the errant Mr. Rabbit. A no-goonik for certain.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Only the first paragraph, other than that it is a wonderful read.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. I am not an editor nor am I an expert. I only seek to help you make your work the best that it can be.

TITLE: TROPHY LIFE The title's meaning becomes evident as the story is read.


THEME: Two people involved in the music industry hold secret love for one another.


STRUCTURE: Renee, Renee, Renee . . . what have we discussed about present tense (first person singular)? It permeates this piece and makes it difficult to become involved with.
Also, you use too many words to explain a simple fact,
IE:"She pulls away from this tall, dark and incredibly handsome musician,"
Just one or two of the descriptive pronouns would do here, choose two and let the others go.

I notice that you do this often, as in:" . . . an equally expensive car gains momentum on Colton’s Porsche . . ."
It makes no difference to the reader that the other car is expensive. You could say that the car is bright orange with pink polka dots and it would not matter, because all that matters is Colton, Sydney and the accident.

You have to learn to choose how many descriptive pronouns you will use. That seems to me to be the main fault with this story. I think you should go through the tale and knock out some of them.

Another instance is: "There was a spooky stillness, which instantly filled their surroundings . . ." I would leave out the words There was and instantly. They are unnecessary. The sentence would read, A spooky stillness filled their surroundings. much more direct and to the point, but still adds that eerie quality that follows an accident.

Your dialogue is really good. Only, I think that Colton would not be doing "this much talking if he was injured so badly that he had to have CPR. Why don't you have them carry on this conversation while Colton recuperates in the hospital. It would be much more believable then. You could have the ambulance come a lot more quickly and that would leave an opening for you to put a little scene changer in the middle of the page like *** or one of the smilies symbols to show the scene has changed.

You have no errors in spelling, or punctuation, it is you wordiness that is the problem here.

"He laughs hysterically."
Wow, he sure is a strong one. Just got CPR, his car is totalled in a wreck and he laughs hysterically. I think you should have him much more sedate.
One more thing. I think that you use the "crash-bam-boom" phrase too often in your stories. I would like to see something new here. But, that is only because I am familiar with your work. Someone else may not feel the same.

Don't be afraid, it's really not a lot of transition and it is a good story.

SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: As mentioned above, no spelling or punctuation errors. The only grammatical error is your changing of tenses.


MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a good story. It adds insight into the way some musicians must feel about their lives. I liked it. Just needs a bit of a tweek.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: The dialogue was really good. It was realistic, even though the setting that most of it takes place in was not. I would, as mentioned above, take Colton to the hospital and let them end the conversation there.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Please, don't give up on this story. It has real merit. I bet there are alot of folks who wonder what musicians think about their lives and you are in a unique position to let them know.


Thank you for permitting me to review your work. You don't have to take any of my advice, your the only one that knows how you want your story to read. However, if you do revise, please let me know so I can re-read. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing this short story on behalf of WDC POWER REVIEWERS GROUP. I am not a copy editor or and expert. I only seek to help you make your story the best that it can be.

TITLE: THE ADULTERIST The title fit the story very well.


THEME: This story is about a man that commits adultery.


STRUCTURE: The structure is good, though I feel that the story bogs down a bit. I think it is due to the descriptive style. In this short of a story, more is less.


SPELLING, GRAMMAR, AND PUNCTUATION: In this category I found some errors.

"When he came home that night, his buttoned grey jacket a size too big and tall showing only a bit of the top of his snow-white shirt and his dark navy pants would suggest that he had just been to work."
This sentence is a bit akward to me. It is long and confusing. What do you mean by the jacket was "tall"? Do you mean it was too long? Substitue this word to make the sentence clearer.
You may want to re-construct this sentence to something like:
When he came home that night, his buttoned grey jacket, a size to big and long, showed only a bit of the top of his snow white shirt. His dark navy pants would suggest that he had just been to work.
Two sentences are better here, because they are your opening lines and you need to grab the attention of your reader right away. The words, "would suggest" add foreshadowing that he has not been to work. Foreshadowing is good.

"His wife couldn’t know- not yet, least."
His wife couldn't know - not yet (at) least.

" . . . huge-font title of the email on the computer screen by the door, he knew that she had put two and two together."

I think it would be advantageous to show us more of the email sent. Was it from his lover? Was it filled with derision, or threats? Was the email aimed at his wife? Just a sentence of explanation would do to heighten the "other woman's" involvement and give information that you don't have to rely upon Everette to reveal.

"Everett motioned with his head to the kitchenette- a room within the room that was partially visible due to it having a counter-top height wall separating it from the surrounding living room. As he walked on silently, not waiting to see if Sierra was following, a single tear was released from his right eye."
Why not have Everette pull up a chair while his wife is on the computer. There is really no need for them to walk to the kitchenette, unless he wants to draw his wife's attention away from the real information in the email. Is Everette just saying he had an affair to save his business? Or is he telling the truth? Revealing the contents of the email would answer these questions.

"As he got to the kitchenette, he sat down at the stool by the table in its middle. To his right was the wall, which continued in an L-shape to his back. To his left the stove and oven, as well as the washer, sink and counter. The fridge was in front of him, past the table. He looked to Sierra as she tapped her foot on the stone floor, not sitting down."
Since the real crux of this story is Everette's infidelity, the description of the kitchen is incidental. This description bogs down the story. Unless you use parts of the kitchen. For instance: Everette could pour himself a cold glass of water from the refrigerator behind him, or slap the top of the counter for emphasis, or, set a pot of tea water on to boil on the stove while talking to Sierra. This would incorporate the objects without it being a list of what is in Everette's kitchen.

'Sierra’s fierce looks relented a little, but she shook her head and asked,..."
The use of the word (relented)does not really fit here. I would use a word like (soften) Her look softened a little, but . . .

"Sierra too was unable to speak, for a few moments at least."

Omit the words (at least) they add nothing to the flow of the sentence.

”Everett hesitated then, looking away again, prompting Sierra to ask him why."

Change (promting to promted) or (looking to looked)having both these words in present tense, makes the sentence look incomplete. Watch the use of tenses. Either all present or all past.

"My older brother was the equivalent of an American Master Electrician . . ."

Everette's older brother was the (equivalent) of a Master Electrician. Does this mean that his brother was not in America? If he was, then omit the word (equivalent.)

" . . . but no- he saved up to send us here.”
To send us where? If you state earlier on in the beginning that they live in the USA, this sentence will be less confusing.

"Pausing then, still crying intensely, Everett continued: “We got here, and started our lives here. Just as he had saved enough to come he, one of his wirings were found faulty after causing a fire in his client’s building. Though no one was hurt, he was murdered by that client’s men as an example."
Omit the second (here) in the first sentence, We got here and started our lives.
Second sentence you do not complete the word here. You should place a peeriod after come and capatalize He.
Having Everette's brother murdered by an angry client is a bit extreme for America, not that it would not happen, but it is an extreme reaction.

"They both laugh softly, and Everett’s laugh is strained, but he hugged her back."
Tenses are confused here. They both laughed. Remember all present, or all past.

MY OVERALL IMPRESSION: This is a unique story and approaches the matter of infidelity in a different way. I think a little tweeking will do wonders for the story. As the story stands, I felt doubt as to Everette's reason for committing adultery. I think a way to solve this would be to reveal the content of the email. If the other woman corroberated Everette's story then the reader would believe him more. Remember, he may have been the best of actors, even shedding copious tears to belay his wife's suspicion.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: I liked the idea of a different take on adultery. It made the story fresh.


MY SUGGESTIONS: Make the changes suggested.

You asked some specific questions:

1: Ways to show and not tell what happened more and with better detail.

2: Ways to illuminate the reader more on the actual happenings of the crime.

3: Ways to get into the more technical nature of NEC code and such without boring the readers.

4: Ways to show that the story takes place in America earlier on.

1- Try to add less description of the kitchen and show Everette using the items there as I suggest above,
2- Use the email. Have Sierra comment on some aspect of the email that we are not able to see. This is a good vehicle for illuminating the reader as to the crime.
3 - I don't think you really need to explain the NEC code. Just that Everette was as careless as his brother is enough for the reader.
4 - Before Everette comes home, add some description of the area he is leaving to go home. For instance: You could refer to the New York City, or Chicago streets being soaked in rain, or filled with traffic. Let Everette look at some of the places that he and Sierra go to, Dunkin' Donuts, Red Lobster, this would add to his sense of guilt and prepare the reader for the fact that they are in the USA.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and offering your work for review. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, my name is Bertie. I am reviewing your short story on behalf of TGDI REVIEW GROUP. These are only my opinions. I am not a professional editor and can only suggest changes that I feel may improve your work. In the end, only you know how you want your work to read.

PROUD MEMBER OF THE GREEN DRAGON INN REVIEW GROUP

TITLE: THE SNAKE-PIT MAN Good title, grabbed me right away.

THEME: This story is about the way men must live after society crumbles.

GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION:

" . . . or the teeth he lost playing high school football . . ."
Place a semi-colon here to avoid a run-on sentence

"or the time he had one of his molars chipped by a pair of home made knuckle dusters in a canteen fight when he was in prison that time."
Omit the last two words, (that time.)

" . . . for that was what he was: a hobo, . . ."
Try (for that he was a hobo) instead. It is less confusing and says the same thing.

" . . . back on the train tracks . . ."
Omit the word (train) the reader knows that they are train tracks, the word looks redundant.

"God knows what the damned thought of the damned steam whistles."
Omit the second (damned)

" . . . it was after 6 months of abject poverty worthy of a boat refuge."
Do you mean refugee?

" . . . consisting on nothing but dog bone soup, . . ."
}Do you mean existing?

" . . . on the side, not for the money . . ."
Place a semi-colon after (side) to join the two sentences and prevent a run-on.

"Grits looked at the mangled thing before him."
Here you should replace (thing) with (tooth). I thought you were referring to the thing Grits ate.

" . . . hurled, ineffectually really . . ."
Omit the word really. It adds nothing to the sentence and as it stands alone it is a sharpter image.

". . .hat, for I take it from you,” . . .
Omit the comma after (hat) place an apostrophe before (for) to show that letters were left out, as in before.

"Grits watched narrow-eyed, never taking his eyes off the other."
Change the second (eyes) to (gaze or sight) so that there is a lack of redundancy.

“I know you like this hat SnakePit Man,” Grits says. “
From this point forward, you slip into first person. This was confusing and took away from the ambience. I would stay in past tense all the way through.

"You like that?”
I could not discern what you were referring to with this question. Needs clarifcation.

"He likes that idea,"
Extra space between (He) and (likes)

"Grits grins and throws the hat.
“Hey now!”
Grits doesn’t throw the hat.
“Geez, Grits. Don’t do that. That’s my hat.”
Grits throws the hat."
I find this bit to be confusing, I'm not sure what you were trying to say. Perhaps you should clear this up a bit.

"It’s how it works when your budd-“{/i}
Do you mean buddies? (budds?) The word would be better stated in the plural if you mean friends.

"Befor e you know . . ."
Extra space between Befor and e

STRUCTURE:This story does stand alone very nicely. It has enough background embellishment with it to satisfy the reader about Grits' life before and after the catastrophe that ruined society.
It is fast paced and only needs a bit of tweeking to be a really good read.

MY FAVORITE PARTS: Grits as a character is rich and filled with potential. Although this could stand complete in itself, I'd love to know what happened to grits and his companion.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Make the suggested corrections, be sure you stay in the tense you began with and submit this to the anthology. I think you were right about this being the best of the lot, and, believe me, I read every one of your offerings.

Thank you for permitting me to review your work. Keep writing and posting for more reviews, it is the way we learn. Blessings, Bertie

Hi, My name is Bertie. I am reviewing your poem on behalf of the The Poetry Pond. Hi, I came across your poem on the Newbie page. Please understand that I do not mean to re-write your poem, I am only interested in helping you to make your work the best it can be.




TITLE: SUICIDE

THEME: The theme: killing oneself

RHYME: The rhyme is very tightly constructed and well done.

RYTHM:The rythm of the poem is good, no real flaws.

PUNCTUATION, GRAMMAR AND SPELLING:
In this category I have some comments. I know that in many cases punctuation is left out of poetry. Many authors like the feeling of steady flow for their poetic comments. However, I find it more dramatic to use punctuation. For instance:

"What will it take to make me die

Upset now upset then

Cry cry cry

There is no end"

In the above verse the crux of your poem is written. It is the wrap up and very important. If you puntuated it, it would look something like this:

What will it take to make me die?
Upset now, upset then.
Cry, cry, cry;
There is no end.

I believe in punctuation in poetry, because with commas, question marks and semi-colons we make the reader pause and give consideration to what they are reading. The words still flow, but with time to give the reader a steady picture of our feelings and ideas.

Take a moment to consider punctuating this poem. Set it up with punctuation and read it aloud, pausing after commas and other signals to the reader. If you do not like the result then leave it as it is. You are the master here and you know what you want your poem to read like.

MY IMPRESSIONS:This poem has power. It is a direct statement that explains a great deal of what someone who desires death feels deep inside.
I believe it would be made more powerful with punctuation.

FAVORITE PART: There is a sense of hopelessness here that is defeated by the will to live. The subject swims to the shore instead of drowning, vomits instead of dying from pills; there is a feeling that the person does not want to die but is so overcome by reality that it is impossible for them to want to live. That is a difficult concept to capture and you have done a great job at that.

MY SUGGESTIONS: Try punctuation and see how you like the rythm. If you do re-write, please give me a holler, I would love to see what Suicide reads like then.

Thank you for permitting me to review your poem. Keep writing, Blessings, Bertie.