I did manage to work it out before it came out in the story but, I was thinking at the back of my mind this is going to take a different turn, a bit of a twist or something. Then you mentioned the box and then i had some doubt, 'I wonder if this is going to be something different?'.
Either way i was not disappointed I felt that this was a well told story.
Your dialogue worked well, the nervousness came through. The same with her thoughts you got the emotion through really well.
Nice story and well written. I did not expect that last line. Very good touch that, i did work out that they were dead but the impression I got was that they had been dead a while and she had become accustomed to it. The last line gave it a whole new meaning.
Your story kept me engaged throughout. Which to be honest i was suprised about as i do not normally read sci-fi.
The dialogue between your two characters worked well, it flowed nicely and seemed natural.
Although a small word count you managed to get quite a lot in there.
You set the scene, got a bit of a back story in there too.
Grammar i am not very good at so i will not comment.
This worked very well. I was chuckling my head off by the time I had finished reading.
The fact the phone was in the van was a great last line.
Although the word count is small you have painted enough of a descriptive picture that i could visualise the man on the ambulance and the fireman trying not to laugh.
I like the tennis reference for that last line, it worked like a charm.
When i first started reading this i was not quite sure how it was going go, but you did something very good here in such a small word count. Not only did you tell a short story you managed to give us 25 plus years.
Hi, you set a fantastic scene, it felt really earie and dark.
I did struggle reading the piece at the very start. However it still read well. Plenty of hints of something dark and mysterious lurking around the English countryside.
I can relate to this a bit, we have plenty of local tales about murders that have taken place and ghosts haunting local big houses.
I live in the Midlands by a place called Cannock Chase, a big area of woodland with lots of local stories like the ones you were hinting at.
A nice piece of writing. You captured you characters feelings really well. Unfortunately a situation we all have been through, unless you have been lucky enough to miss this experience.
You managed to get some nice descriptive phrases in, and express his feelings well.
The last line was nice, a bit of hope at the end of a sad experience.
Nice, I was not expecting the ancient evil. You caught me with that.
I liked the feeling you got across with this piece. I could see the couple in my mind interacting with each other, neither of them willing to give in. A thing i think we can all relate to.
Although brief, the dark feeling of despair and terror came across well.
I like it that you left us with questions to answer.
I noticed a few mistakes that you may want to look at and put right.
'so they would not see when had happened to me' Just a word change here. There are a couple more I noticed, nothing bad but it will help your story flow if you have a look at them.
The story is thought out and it flows from one scene to another. You have set it out nicely and it is easy to read like that.
I liked they ay you left it hanging for us to decide what actually happened to between them. I take the Hog was a Harley. It is not a term amny in the UK are familiar with buti'm a biker so have heard it used many times.
The story flowed well. Something I personally would struggle with using only dialogue to tell a tail.
My sixth sense is telling me she hit him with something.
Have you considered building this into something bigger? Maybe have her shoot him then go on the run and eventually get caught and write her experience up a best selling biography.
Your dialogue worked well between the two characters. The argument or discussion flowed nicely.
You painted your scene with few descriptive sentences, but managed to convey enough for us to see the scene and how the story worked within that setting.
Grammar i do not know enough about it to comment on.
You gave us plenty of background on the scientists and the Chicago device, information on how the device could be misused.
The alternate universes is a good idea when it comes to plot, you could do lots of things with this story and take it in many directions using those alternate worlds.
Do you plan to develop this further? If you do I look forward to reading it.
A nice heart warming story. I did notice quite a few typo's that you may want to look at and fix.
Other than that you gave us some background on the country and royal family, and then you told us the current state of things and how the family are still looking over their land.
I can see massive corn fields planted around the White House and Buckingham Palace.
Although not too many out and out descriptive phrases you still manage to set the scene well. For instance the fields you never went into massive detail about the surroundings but you did do enough for me to create a picture in my own mind fed from your words, what I have seen both on and off the television and read in the past.
Good story although you did start to baffle me with the tech talk.
I like the flow of the story and the plot. A gamer in pursuit of the perfect gaming set up stumbles upon a grat discovery and whoosh his whole world is changed.
The sad thing is stories like this we are only too quick to believe because we think it might be something the government would do.
The dialogue you used worked it fir the scenes you were portraying well and kept the story flowing forward.
The age old story of a lot of rock and roll stars.
The piece flowed nicely, you took us through each part of Jimmy's life from his high flying beginning to his fall into obscurity and then his rise and ultimate death.
Fame seems to be a drug in itself, which you did touch on.
I think I picked up on one typo, 'hear and Enforcer song.'
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