I love this little story. It's well writen, engaging and very satisfying at the end. Truly a thing of dark beauty. There's also a certain charm to the simplicity of the language and word choice. The words are used very effectively. Good job!
This little tale can stand on it's own. Which brings me to my one and only point of contention.
The one thing I would edit is the title. It's a well known title, and everyone's mind immediately goes to the song. It's so easily recognizable, that outside of it's original context it's effectively the equivalent of cheap cliché. Some might even think you're trying to use the song's fame to bolster your own. There's also a lot you can do if you want to reference that song in the title. "Sinners Plead for the Devil", "Sympathy for the Preacher" or "Sympathy for the Beast" all effectively communicate a little nudge to that song without giving anyone the chance to even think the slightest bit less of your finely crafted tale for using a preexisting (and famous) title.
As much as I love and draw inspiration from Slayer, you'll never see my call one of my poems "Raining Blood" or "Hell Awaits". Never. Not even if one of those songs directly inspired my writing. Because I have too much respect for my own writing, and I have too much respect for those songs.
Overall, I enjoy this poem. Here are my specific thoughts:
Your Title: A fine title. And one that teases the reader with it's simplicity. It could imply so many things. One wonders which implications are the most correct.
Your Form/Style: An admirable display of form and rhyme. The quatrain is classic and versatile, as demonstrated here. Experiment with meter and you'll soon be on the road to mastery of form.
Your Imagery: Classic and evocative. One can find no fault with such romantic declarations. However, there is room for improvement. I encourage you to develop your own voice. Experiment with the unorthodox as well as the classic, and you will have both at your pen's beck and call.
Your Flow: Unfortunately, I found this aspect of your poem to be a bit rough. I still enjoyed your poem in the end, but I'm sure it would be more pleasant to read if your lines or stanzas were either more uniform or more orderly in terms of syllable and meter.
Your Tone: Celebratory, perhaps even worshipful. A good tone to use in a love poem, but it would be all the better with more passion.
My Favorite Line(s):
"I drown in the sea of crystal clear waters
Of love shining through her eyes."
In closing, it's a good poem and I hope to read more like it. So keep them coming, and be sure that each one sharpens your quill just a bit more. Well done.
I appreciate the appreciation you've sent for my words. And I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your words too.
I hope you don't mind that I've used your review of my poem as a template. It speaks to just how helpful I found your analysis to be.
Your Title: The title is the refrain. Classic. Even Poe would approve.
Your Form/Style: Very modern, but still enjoyable. And quite worth examining.
Your Imagery: Bright and expressive. You don't lack for passion, while still giving the reader enough room to form their own opinion. Excellent.
Your Flow: Very even in a style which doesn't demand an even flow. Good job!
Your Tone: Your tone is most curious. It's neither fully active, nor entirely passive. Not anxious nor reflective, but rather quite poised between such opposites. I would call it balanced and open, and I'd say that it would be difficult to pen a poem that utilizes such a tone. Especially with the emotional impact provided. Again, very well done.
My Favorite Line(s):
"I lay in my bed, watching the shadows, telling them, “I’ll find my Freedom”
I take my shower, relaxing my shoulders, and smile, “I’ll find my Freedom”"
These lines speak to me of dedication, determination, confidence and inner strength. Valuable qualities, indeed.
In closing, you write a fine poem and I hope you continue to pen them.
A fine piece of prose. Cathartic writing is good for the soul. And for the writer's skill. Good job in getting this one to take such a poetic course.
However, I get the feeling that you have greater potential. The writing is good. The descriptions are clear. And the immersion in the metaphor is deep. As I said before, this is a good set of paragraphs. But good can always become better. And I do get the feeling that you're holding back.
I think you could take a leap in either direction and turn this into something greater than it is. You could go all in to the metaphor, and create an image of the Pit itself, painting a picture of it with words and leaving the reality tha it speaks of to be guessed at by your reader. Or you could embrace the realism and add more of what you would say to your coworkers and peers. Of course, these are not the only options. True creativity knows no limits. Limits are for editing.
In closing: thank you for the contribution and I hope you keep writing.
Belial
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